My oldest daughter, 30 year old, has 3 children. She was knocked up by her boyfriend - her first year of college. She has an 11 year old daughter, a 10 year old son and a 7 year old daughter by another man. After kidlet #2 was born, I had to "rescue" her and her 2 children due the child neglect and abuse. I moved her into an apartment, had to pay off the overdue utility bills to get her power turned on, paid her rent for 2 months, bought her groceries, etc. Fast forward to 8 years ago... she met a guy at a bar, had sex with him, got pregnant, then he moved in. He was in prison for 6 months prior to them meeting. Then, as it turns out, he was accused of knocking up a minor a few years before that, it all caught up to him and he ended up in jail locally after he had moved in. Once again, I "rescued her" by picking his dead butt up from jail at 6 am because it was winter and she had just given birth to HIS daughter, to take him to a job he didn't really have. Then, when CSS caught up with the situation, she had to pay back $3500 for childcare she was not entitled to, because they found out he was living there, after being released. She could have ended up in jail for fraud.
Here's the BIG problem... she's been in counseling for the past 5 years. She refuses to let me talk to her counselor but says I AM the reason she's so screwed up in her head. For all I've done for her and her family, I am hurt and now she has decided to discuss her "issues" with my parents. She has come up with this idea that I am somehow an alcoholic. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I have an occasional cocktail but I just don't get it. Why does she feel it is important to tear me down? I have spent so much $$$ to keep her family clothed and fed and safe. Wow... I haven't spent any time at all with my grandkidlets as it has become such an issue to even try to plan anything with her. I'm sad... any thoughts?

My oldest daughter, 30 year old, has 3 children. She was knocked up by her boyfriend - her first year of college. She has an 11 year old daughter, a 10 year old son and a 7 year old daughter by another man. After kidlet #2 was born, I had to "rescue" her and her 2 children due the child neglect and abuse. I moved her into an apartment, had to pay off the overdue utility bills to get her power turned on, paid her rent for 2 months, bought her groceries, etc. Fast forward to 8 years ago... she met a guy at a bar, had sex with him, got pregnant, then he moved in. He was in prison for 6 months prior to them meeting. Then, as it turns out, he was accused of knocking up a minor a few years before that, it all caught up to him and he ended up in jail locally after he had moved in. Once again, I "rescued her" by picking his dead butt up from jail at 6 am because it was winter and she had just given birth to HIS daughter, to take him to a job he didn't really have. Then, when CSS caught up with the situation, she had to pay back $3500 for childcare she was not entitled to, because they found out he was living there, after being released. She could have ended up in jail for fraud.
Here's the BIG problem... she's been in counseling for the past 5 years. She refuses to let me talk to her counselor but says I AM the reason she's so screwed up in her head. For all I've done for her and her family, I am hurt and now she has decided to discuss her "issues" with my parents. She has come up with this idea that I am somehow an alcoholic. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I have an occasional cocktail but I just don't get it. Why does she feel it is important to tear me down? I have spent so much $$$ to keep her family clothed and fed and safe. Wow... I haven't spent any time at all with my grandkidlets as it has become such an issue to even try to plan anything with her. I'm sad... any thoughts?


Knocked up? That's how you describe your daughter's pregnancy? I'm more than surprised.

Yes. I have a comment. Were you drinking when you wrote this? These are hardly the words of a sober, stable Grandmother.

Maybe she's not tearing you down. Maybe she's telling you the truth. I suspect - based on what you have posted here - that you are verbally abusive.

We're hearing your side of the story. I'd be interested to see what your daughter would say if she joined in on this thread. I bet we'd get a very different picture.

Fact is, she made her bed, and you lined it with silk sheets, if what you say is true. She gets in trouble, you bail her out. Of course it's all your fault. You've never forced her to be an adult, or a mother!

Next time she's in trouble, let her sink or swim on her own. Stop taking care of a woman that needs to learn to take care of herself and the children she's brought into this world. She obviously doesn't appreciate your help, so stop doing it!

She sounds like MY mother.


OP, I have to say, you CHOSE to do these things for her. She makes her own decisions. Just because you do not agree with them, does not give you the right to dictate what she does.

If you do not want to help her anymore, then don't.

But you have no right to complain about helping her when you choose to do so.

I don't agree with adult children blaming their crappy lives on their parents. No parent is perfect. I know I won't be, and I know my parents weren't. But we all do the best we can. She needs to take responsibility for the nightmare her life has become. At a certain point, you have to accept that you and only you are in control of your life. The sad irony is, she blames you for her problems, what does she think her children will do if she continues to live her life this way?

However. You do need to let her sink or swim. She won't change her life until she has to. And right now, you're allowing her a safety net. If you take it away, she might think twice about her actions and decisions in life. I truly believe you're doing what your heart is telling you to- protecting and caring for your baby girl! But there is a point where it becomes a detriment. You're at that point.

I don't agree with adult children blaming thier crappy lives on thier parents. No parent is perfect. I know I wont be, and I know my parents weren't. But we all do the best we can. She needs to take responsiblity for the nightmare her life has become. At a certian point, you have to accept that you and only you are in control of your life. The sad irony is, she blames you for her problems, what does she think her children will do if she continues to live her life this way?

However. You do need to let her sink or swim. She won't change her life until she has to. And right now, you're allowing her a safety net. If you take it away, she might think twice about her actions and descisions in life. I truly believe you're doing what your heart is telling you to- protecting and caring for your baby girl! But there is a point where it becomes a detriment. You're at that point.

THANK YOU, baudendi...
At MY age... I am tired of this... just the fact that she will not meet me half way and have a joint session with me, with her counselor (of 5 years!), tells me... nothing she has told this "doctor" is the truth. Why else would she not want me to at least talk to this person to see if I can do anything to "help her"? Makes me very suspicious of "the psychiatric care" she's gotten.

THANK YOU, baudendi...
At MY age... I am tired of this.... just the fact that she will not meet me half way and have a joint session with me, with her counselor (of 5 years!), tells me... nothing she has told this "doctor" is the truth. Why else would she not want me to at least talk to this person to see if I can do anything to "help her"? Makes me very suspicious of "the psychiatric care" she's gotten.

The thing about therapy is that it's private. She may not be telling the truth, or she may be telling too much of the truth, a truth she doesn't want you to hear.

She doesn't have to agree with you talking to her therapist. The therapist wouldn't be able to tell you anything about their sessions anyway, it's called doctor patient confidentiality.

You could make an appointment for yourself to discuss your issues with the therapist, but the therapist will not be able to offer any insight on your daughter based on what the daughter has told him/her.

The thing about therapy is that it's private. She may not be telling the truth, or she may be telling too much of the truth, a truth she doesn't want you to hear.

She doesn't have to agree with you talking to her therapist. The therapist wouldn't be able to tell you anything about their sessions anyway, it's called doctor patient confidentiality.

You could make an appointment for yourself to discuss your issues with the therapist, but the therapist will not be able to offer any insight on your daughter based on what the daughter has told him/her.

Thank you... and I understand that. My issue is I don't know what she is upset about without her talking to me. She mentioned her counselor had recommended we have a brief "session" (this was months ago) just to see if she was open to telling me whatEVER has upset her.

I don't want to make her uncomfortable in an environment of scrutiny, dealing with her therapist. But really?

Thank you... and I understand that. My issue is I don't know what she is upset about without her talking to me. She mentioned her counselor had recommended we have a brief "session" (this was months ago) just to see if she was open to telling me whatEVER has upset her.

I don't want to make her uncomfortable in an environment of scrutiny, dealing with her therapist. But really?

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

Sadly she just sounds like an ungrateful child, and she seems to have a lot of issues, both physical and mental. That's not something you're to blame for, and sadly that's also something you really can't do anything about.

How long has she been in therapy? Where is your husband in all of this? Does she treat him badly too?

Alty made many valid points and good questions...

I would just like to add that I can see why this would upset you. She is your daughter and her children are your grandchildren. It's clear that you love them unconditionally, however, YOU need to NOT bail her out of every situation.

Let me ask you this... have you tried to sit down and talk to her about your feelings? Her feelings?

I asked for some support on how to deal with a closed minded child.

NO. sorry I cannot agree here.

She is NOT a child.
She is an ADULT

I am sorry if you did not like some of the advice you have received.

But like I previously said, YOU choose to bail her out of her problems, and support her in her bad choices.

I say this with all the respect and tact I can. If you do not like my opinion that is fine. But the way to DEAL with this, is to NOT deal with it anymore.

My husband of 20 years is just as bewildered as I am. My daughters" father is not that involved. He was when we were married (for 13 years) kind of...youngest daughter (29 yrs old) considers #2 hubby her father...
Again... she's been in "therapy" for about 5 years.

I have a question rather than an answer, I'd like a better picture.
You say your daughter has CMT, are you referring to Charcot-Marie-Tooth Disease?
I really know very little about the disease.
How much of her behavior may be due to the disease or any medications that she may be on?

NO. sorry i cannot agree here.

She is NOT a child.
she is an ADULT

I am sorry if you did not like some of the advice you have received.

But like I previously said, YOU choose to bail her out of her problems, and support her in her bad choices.

I say this with all the respect and tact i can. If you do not like my opinion that is fine. But the way to DEAL with this, is to NOT deal with it anymore.

WRONG! There are children mixed into this mess. You're clueless... :(

I have a question rather than an answer, I'd like a better picture.
You say your daughter has CMT, are you referring to Charcot-Marie-Tooth Disease?
I really know very little about the disease.
How much of her behavior may be due to the disease or any medications that she may be on?

Yes Maam... that is exactly it. Her neurologist now has her on a phentynol (sp?) patch, to keep pain meds from affecting her kidneys and liver. 5+ years on heavy narcotics takes its toll.

Ahh, I always run into things that piqué my interest and this has piquéd it. My next reading assignment will be on CMT.
Like I said I know little but now that you have my curiosity stirred, let the research begin.
I think Alty hit on something a little further back, perhaps a counselor for you, to help you better understand the in and outs of the her disease, medications, and the way they may have affected her would be helpful in knowing how to continue.
And yes, years of narcotics can take their toll.

WRONG! There are children mixed into this mess. You're clueless... :(

Im done with you.

If you continue this, it may eventually turn into your daughter getting a restraining order against you. Ive seen it happen, with my sister in laws mother. And you will never see those babies again. And could be arrested if you try.

You need to back off and let your 30 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER be an adult, and learn or not learn from her mistakes.

perhaps a counselor for you, to help you better understand the in and outs of the her disease, medications, and the way they may have affected her would be helpful in knowing how to continue.
And yes, years of narcotics can take their toll.
I like the counselor-for-you idea, partly because your counselor can invite her to one or more of YOUR sessions.

And yes, you'd learn new strategies on how to connect with her with the counselor behind you.

Wow, tough critical group tonight! Guess I should have gone into more detail. Daughter has CMT, just diagnosed a few years ago. She has had both hips replaced and one hip needed revision surgery. This is a genetic birth defect, but we have yet to successfully trace it. I was there for EVERY surgery besides years of babysitting and caring for my sweet grandkidlets.

JudyKayTee, you can step down off that pedestal you have yourself on. I asked for some support on how to deal with a closed minded child. You jumped on ME.I am 54 years old with 4 grandkidlets. A successful business woman yet you assumed the worst. Seriously?
I was simply asking if someone had an experience that is similar... how did they handle it?

She's been on opiates for years for the pain... could this be part of it?

JudyKayTee, please skip this post, you have nothing of value to offer me.


You speak disparagingly of your daughter; you are rude to anyone who doesn't see things your way.

I think you've brought a lot of this on yourself.

You're a successful business woman who uses the phrase "knocked up" when referring to your daughter, the mother of your Grandchildren?

Do you know why no one has ever accused me of being an alcoholic? Because there are no grounds to say anything like that. not even as an off the cuff slam.

Maybe you're simply frustrated. I don't know. I do know that anyone who doesn't agree with you "doesn't have a clue."

When you post on a public board you don't get to choose who answers and in what manner.

Now you've thrown in opiates. Is anyone protecting your Grandchildren in this situation?

Her neurologist now has her on a phentynol (sp?) patch, to keep pain meds from affecting her kidneys and liver. 5+ years on heavy narcotics takes its toll.

You do realize that this is a opiate that is much stronger than morphine, right? This alone could be causing some of her behavior. It is HIGHLY addictive.

Im done with you.

If you continue this, it may eventually turn into your daughter getting a restraining order against you. Ive seen it happen, with my sister in laws mother. And you will never see those babies again. and could be arrested if you try.

you need to back off and let your 30 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER be an adult, and learn or not learn from her mistakes.

Whatever... you are extremely full of yourself... good luck with that.

Whatever... you are extremely full of yourself... good luck with that.

I would urge that you not respond negatively to other posters on this thread. The only thing that will accomplish is more negativity.

You've gotten many helpful responses, a few questions that would give us a better idea on how to help. I urge you to concentrate on those posts, and leave the posts that you don't find helpful.

Everyone has a right to their opinion. Respect that opinion, even if you don't agree with it. Fact is questions like yours, we usually base our responses to what we've lived through. You'll get a very different response from someone that had a great childhood, appreciated their mother, then you will from someone whose mother smothered them. We call call up on our past experiences, because that's where we get our info from. That's how we've learned.

That doesn't mean that our past experiences will help you with what you're going through. Sadly that's really all we can offer. Advice based on our beliefs and experience.

Whatever... you are extremely full of yourself... good luck with that.


You will notice that the "full of yourself" person is a respected AMHD contributor, and she isn't posting about her problems with her daughter.

That having been said I find you extremely confrontational.

If you want to only hear from people who agree with you, talk to your friends.

From what I have been reading CMT is a neuromuscular disease and does not normally cause pain that would require such a drug as Fentanyl. I don't know if your daughter is one of the few in which it does or if she has developed a dependency for the drugs after her hip surgeries, no doubt they were a source of pain for her.
In fact the sensory damage that is a result of the disease can causes a lack of pain perception.
That being sad I also don't see anywhere that states the disease has any effect on mental functioning. But rather effects the muscles of the arms, legs, hands and feet, causing weakness and contractures. These problems are dealt with by other means orthotics, muscle stretching exercises, etc.
As has been mentioned Fentanyl is a very strong, addictive drug.

These are the sources I searched.
Charcot-Marie-Tooth disease: Complications - MayoClinic.com (http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/charcot-marie-tooth-disease/DS00557/DSECTION=complications)

Overview | Charcot-Marie-Tooth Disease | MDA (http://mda.org/disease/charcot-marie-tooth/overview)

The MDA site does have support services listed for people and family members who have neuromuscular diseases, perhaps your daughter should check into these, as well as yourself.

I have to admit to you that I also found the term "knocked up" quite offensive when referring to your own daughter. When my daughter was pregnant she was pregnant nothing more nothing less. I think to refer to her as knocked up would have been pretty insensitive.
However, I do understand your frustration over the situation with the grandchildren, but I think the best way to help them is to help their mother.

IF that means getting counseling for yourself and including her in order to gain more insight as to her problem with you so be it.
I also think that means making her stand on her own two feet and quit continually bailing her out. You have spoiled her, she doesn't appreciate the help, cut her off.
I remember one instance when my parents helped me out and then "threw it in my face" (for lack of a better term) that help was no longer looked at the same way as I had originally perceived it. I don't know if this is case here, just throwing it out there.

My perception here is this you've been "helping" your child for a lot longer than she has been ill. She is either very spoiled and never learned that her life is her own, or sees you as putting yourself in a superior position to her as you can "rescue" her and perceives it as having been done begrudgingly.

She has now been burdened by this disease that many people deal with very successfully by the way, but for some reason she has a problem doing that.
Perhaps part of her problem is an inability to cope with the diagnosis.
As far as why she blames you, who knows, even you may never know if she chooses not to tell you.
People lay blame for many things, just an example.
An old boyfriend of mine blamed his back pain on a spanking that he received as a child.
Fact was he had arthritic discs in his back, perfectly normal for his age and history, yet he chose to blame his dad. He told every one this except his dad, he knew he was way off base, but had to make it the fault of someone.

Sorry for the long post and don't get me wrong, I am not bashing or criticizing, I have children I know what we do for our children and it is hard to tell them to get it together and practice tough love. But you won't always be around, right?
I'd rather know that my children could make their own way and get along without me should something happen to me.
In short counseling, support groups, tough love.
Just my opinion mind you.

From what I have been reading CMT is a neuromuscular disease and does not normally cause pain that would require such a drug as Fentanyl. I don't know if your daughter is one of the few in which it does or if she has developed a dependency for the drugs after her hip surgeries, no doubt they were a source of pain for her.
In fact the sensory damage that is a result of the disease can causes a lack of pain perception.
That being sad I also don't see anywhere that states the disease has any effect on mental functioning. But rather effects the muscles of the arms, legs, hands and feet, causing weakness and contractures. These problems are dealt with by other means orthotics, muscle stretching exercises, etc.
As has been mentioned Fentanyl is a very strong, addictive drug.

These are the sources I searched.
Charcot-Marie-Tooth disease: Complications - MayoClinic.com (http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/charcot-marie-tooth-disease/DS00557/DSECTION=complications)

Overview | Charcot-Marie-Tooth Disease | MDA (http://mda.org/disease/charcot-marie-tooth/overview)

The MDA site does have support services listed for people and family members who have neuromuscular diseases, perhaps your daughter should check into these, as well as yourself.

I have to admit to you that I also found the term "knocked up" quite offensive when referring to your own daughter. When my daughter was pregnant she was pregnant nothing more nothing less. I think to refer to her as knocked up would have been pretty insensitive.
However, I do understand your frustration over the situation with the grandchildren, but I think the best way to help them is to help their mother.

IF that means getting counseling for yourself and including her in order to gain more insight as to her problem with you so be it.
I also think that means making her stand on her own two feet and quit continually bailing her out. You have spoiled her, she doesn't appreciate the help, cut her off.
I remember one instance when my parents helped me out and then "threw it in my face" (for lack of a better term) that help was no longer looked at the same way as I had originally perceived it. I don't know if this is case here, just throwing it out there.

My perception here is this you've been "helping" your child for a lot longer than she has been ill. She is either very spoiled and never learned that her life is her own, or sees you as putting yourself in a superior position to her as you can "rescue" her and perceives it as having been done begrudgingly.

She has now been burdened by this disease that many people deal with very successfully by the way, but for some reason she has a problem doing that.
Perhaps part of her problem is an inability to cope with the diagnosis.
As far as why she blames you, who knows, even you may never know if she chooses not to tell you.
People lay blame for many things, just an example.
An old boyfriend of mine blamed his back pain on a spanking that he received as a child.
Fact was he had arthritic discs in his back, perfectly normal for his age and history, yet he chose to blame his dad. He told every one this except his dad, he knew he was way off base, but had to make it the fault of someone.

Sorry for the long post and don't get me wrong, I am not bashing or criticizing, I have children I know what we do for our children and it is hard to tell them to get it together and practice tough love. But you won't always be around, right?
I'd rather know that my children could make their own way and get along without me should something happen to me.
In short counseling, support groups, tough love.
Just my opinion mind you.

Thank you LadySam. I definitely got off to a bad start here! It is hard to post on a blog when no one knows you, or your sense of humor. My oldest daughter has said "I got knocked up" for so long, it is just the way we refer to the situation.
On to the CMT. When she was in high school, her ankles "would roll". She would end up with huge swelling and pain. I was constantly taking her to her doctor. All he said was "she's loose all over", referring to just being double jointed. Well, about 6 years ago, she again fell, she fractured the outside of her hand. The bone broke. A new intern took one look at her hands and said she needed to see a neurologist. She literally had NO muscle tissue in her hands. Just bone. When you see someone nearly everyday, you just don't notice it.
After seeing a neurologist, it was not just a diagnosis of CMT, but also advanced arthritis. This was what pushed her into hip replacements. This is not uncommon with CMT patients.
Also, she can't work a button anymore, or even tie her own shoes. She can't put her own earrings in or successfully cut up vegetables. She has NO visible muscle tissue in her calves, they are "concaved".
Her 11 year old daughter is her hands.
She has been "on her own two feet" for the past 5 years. They just bought a house, she has a full time job, and three children. On top of taking on line college courses for the past 5 years. She IS self sufficient. She started going to counseling just before she got on track.
She has accomplished great things in her limited capacity. The comment she recently made though was very hurtful. She texted me that she is upset that her family comes "2nd to me" now. Well, of course it does. I did what I could for years for her. I am 54 years old and we finally have no kids at home. We are starting to enjoy being able to do things WE want to do. She's angry that I wasn't around much this summer. Kid ball games, etc... But this was the first year WE could do things together. She tends to pit me against her boyfriend's Mom... I don't go there.

She is not spoiled. Rather judgmental with anyone that does not respond to her, how she feels they should. She is an adult and I treat her as one. She tends to play the "blame game" though, as her neurologist said it is hereditary. She used to whine about being so unlucky... she doesn't anymore. But she just can't seem to get past the thought that I like to be with my husband and have fun, finally. I was 22 when I had her. The last child left our house when I turned 51. Its MY turn to be independent. Don't you think?

Thank you for researching CMT, but she has other health issues that go hand-in-hand with this disease.

Thank you LadySam. I definitely got off to a bad start here! It is hard to post on a blog when no one knows you, or your sense of humor. My oldest daughter has said "I got knocked up" for so long, it is just the way we refer to the situation.


Here's the problem. This isn't a blog. It's a Q and A site. If it were a blog this would still be inappropriate: "Whatever... you are extremely full of yourself... good luck with that."

I don't think you can ask for thoughts from strangers - and then insult the very strangers who attempt to answer you. If you only want to hear from people who agree with you, talk to your friends.

I don't agree with adult children blaming thier crappy lives on thier parents. No parent is perfect. I know I wont be, and I know my parents weren't. But we all do the best we can. She needs to take responsiblity for the nightmare her life has become. At a certian point, you have to accept that you and only you are in control of your life. The sad irony is, she blames you for her problems, what does she think her children will do if she continues to live her life this way?

However. You do need to let her sink or swim. She won't change her life until she has to. And right now, you're allowing her a safety net. If you take it away, she might think twice about her actions and descisions in life. I truly believe you're doing what your heart is telling you to- protecting and caring for your baby girl! But there is a point where it becomes a detriment. You're at that point.

Thank you baudendi, You pretty much "get it". Its been years though, that I HAD to fix things. She just has "short term memory loss" in my opinion...

Here's the problem. This isn't a blog. It's a Q and A site. If it were a blog this would still be inappropriate: "Whatever... you are extremely full of yourself... good luck with that."

I don't think you can ask for thoughts from strangers - and then insult the very strangers who attempt to answer you. If you only want to hear from people who agree with you, talk to your friends.

Wow...

Wow...

Wow what?

Now I'm getting mad.

You came here with an attitude, you got advice. Those that offered advice you don't want to hear, you responded to with rudeness. When someone posted what you wanted to hear, they're thanked.

Do you want confirmation that you're not to blame, or do you want advice, even if it's hard to hear? Sometimes the truth isn't easy to take. Doesn't sound like you want the truth, you just want to be vindicated, told that you're not at fault.

If that's what you want, call your friends, ask them. Friends will lie to you and tell you it's not your fault. If you want real advice, no matter how much that advice might hurt, then learn to listen, and lose the attitude! :(

Wow what?

Now I'm getting mad.

You came here with an attitude, you got advice. Those that offered advice you don't want to hear, you responded to with rudeness. When someone posted what you wanted to hear, they're thanked.

Do you want confirmation that you're not to blame, or do you want advice, even if it's hard to hear? Sometimes the truth isn't easy to take. Doesn't sound like you want the truth, you just want to be vindicated, told that you're not at fault.

If that's what you want, call your friends, ask them. Friends will lie to you and tell you it's not your fault. If you want real advice, no matter how much that advice might hurt, then learn to listen, and lose the attitude! :(


And yet OP has no problem handing out advice. It's taking it that's apparently the problem: “I have had limited experience with this type of behavior. If it were me... MY first priority would be for your grandchild. I contacted a counselor who put me in touch with "social services" for advice on how to deal with the "possible" repercussions of HER tantrums. Your daughter is playing the "pity card" with a vengeance and is good at it. My first focus would be the welfare of the child. Beyond that, where your daughter lands, is HER business.
None of this is easy, believe me... but your FIRST allegiance is to your husband. Have a serious conversation with HIM to be sure he is not simply trying to "carmel-coat" the entire situation to pacify your daughter, so as not to "rock YOUR apple cart".
Again, simply focus on her CHILD... this child is all THAT MATTERS, in the long run.
Good luck sweetie, you have some tough decisions to make, VERY soon.” https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/parenting/32-year-old-abusive-daughter-who-cannot-function-her-own-693556.html

And yet OP has no problem handing out advice. It's taking it that's apparently the problem: “I have had limited experience with this type of behavior. If it were me... MY first priority would be for your grandchild. I contacted a counselor who put me in touch with "social services" for advice on how to deal with the "possible" repercussions of HER tantrums. Your daughter is playing the "pity card" with a vengeance and is good at it. My first focus would be the welfare of the child. Beyond that, where your daughter lands, is HER business.
None of this is easy, believe me... but your FIRST allegiance is to your husband. Have a serious conversation with HIM to be sure he is not simply trying to "carmel-coat" the entire situation to pacify your daughter, so as not to "rock YOUR apple cart".
Again, simply focus on her CHILD.... this child is all THAT MATTERS, in the long run.
Good luck sweetie, you have some tough decisions to make, VERY soon.” https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/parenting/32-year-old-abusive-daughter-who-cannot-function-her-own-693556.html

Perhaps OP should take her own advice that she is handing out to others.

... just a thought.

Perhaps OP should take her own advice that she is handing out to others.

...just a thought.


Thank you, Santa.

Thanks for the explanation, and yes you deserve time to enjoy yourself.
As for the research, like I said you piquéd my interest.

So, with your daughter being on her own and seemingly doing pretty well, do you expect that she will need bailing out in the future? Personally unless it involved the grandchildren' safety I would offer nothing.
She is living with her own bad choices, she made those choices, not you.
Of course her illness is no ones fault, does she take advantage of any physical therapy?

I can see both sides of this coin, I am a daughter and a mother, so I can put myself in both your shoes somewhat. The blame placing may be warranted or completely unwarranted, it may be something that you are not even aware of or a misconception that she has about a particular situation.
I'll try to make this short but I'll fill you in on a situation I had at one time.
I was pretty ill with stomach issues for quite a few years, not anyone's doing, it just happened. Bleeding ulcers, reflux, and all the pain that goes with it.
During this time we moved, turns out the roof leaked, (unbeknown-st to me).
The landlord refused to fix it. I couldn't afford to move. We dealt with it the best we could.
So I'm left to deal with my stomach pain, the roof, and my job and the job of raising two children by myself.
My parents knew the situation, and offered no help whatsoever. Don't get me wrong I have great parents, but we were not in any physical danger, we were well fed and had the things we needed. It got to the point that the roof was in pretty bad disrepair and I got us out of there as soon as I could.
The bottom line is that I remember thinking once "How could my parents let their grandchildren live this way?" It angered and hurt me until I realized that they could because it was MY mess to fix, what good would they do me if they fixed it for me?
I think they made the right choice by making ME take care of MY problem.
While the disease situations are different and mine is controllable now, I think you get my point. At the time it was difficult, but I was forced to muddle through it on my own, and I'm a better person for it.
I must admit that I chose to blame them somewhat for my situation, but that was simply my perception of the problem at the time.
Had they chosen to handle it differently maybe I would have still blamed them for letting it go on so long.
I know that my blaming was wrong, but still I did it, I was sick and worn out and emotional at the time. (still no excuse)
That's why I think you need to talk to someone and then try to include her so each one knows what the other is thinking and everyones' feelings and thoughts are on the table.
It may not happen, but I think you should try.
I came from a family that chose to not seek professional help with anything, because no one should know your business, in retrospect I would have loved the opportunity to have everyone on the same page and knowing each others thoughts and feelings. I think suppressing these things is not healthy.
I changed this line of thinking with my children and I'm glad I did.

Sorry for my long story, it was the only way I could express my thought process to you.

Additionally, how do the children cope with their mothers' illness, would they also benefit from talking to someone?
Just a thought, I know that at the worst part of illness it was stressful for my children, many times they expressed their fear although they tried to hide it I know it impacted them.

And yet OP has no problem handing out advice. It's taking it that's apparently the problem: “I have had limited experience with this type of behavior. If it were me... MY first priority would be for your grandchild. I contacted a counselor who put me in touch with "social services" for advice on how to deal with the "possible" repercussions of HER tantrums. Your daughter is playing the "pity card" with a vengeance and is good at it. My first focus would be the welfare of the child. Beyond that, where your daughter lands, is HER business.
None of this is easy, believe me... but your FIRST allegiance is to your husband. Have a serious conversation with HIM to be sure he is not simply trying to "carmel-coat" the entire situation to pacify your daughter, so as not to "rock YOUR apple cart".
Again, simply focus on her CHILD.... this child is all THAT MATTERS, in the long run.
Good luck sweetie, you have some tough decisions to make, VERY soon.” https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/parenting/32-year-old-abusive-daughter-who-cannot-function-her-own-693556.html

Yes, she does play the pity card well. Also, things have become complicated recently, as her 29 year old sister just gave birth last week. I've spent a lot of time with youngest daughter, hubby and child. Her children are no longer my only grandchildren. I think she is feeling "left out"...
I do think it may be time for me to seek someone to talk to. Perhaps someone at our church. I do not want to see a secular counselor. I do not trust them, for some reason.
That said, I am truly sorry for my rudeness and confrontational attitude. I should have given myself a few days before posting, after the last episode with her. This isn't the place to be airing "dirty laundry" anyway. But thank you for your advise.

Thanks for the explanation, and yes you deserve time to enjoy yourself.
As for the research, like I said you piqued my interest.

So, with your daughter being on her own and seemingly doing pretty well, do you expect that she will need bailing out in the future? Personally unless it involved the grandchildren' safety I would offer nothing.
She is living with her own bad choices, she made those choices, not you.
Of course her illness is no ones fault, does she take advantage of any physical therapy?

I can see both sides of this coin, I am a daughter and a mother, so I can put myself in both your shoes somewhat. The blame placing may be warranted or completely unwarranted, it may be something that you are not even aware of or a misconception that she has about a particular situation.
I'll try to make this short but I'll fill you in on a situation I had at one time.
I was pretty ill with stomach issues for quite a few years, not anyones doing, it just happened. Bleeding ulcers, reflux, and all the pain that goes with it.
During this time we moved, turns out the roof leaked, (unbeknown-st to me).
The landlord refused to fix it. I couldn't afford to move. We dealt with it the best we could.
So I'm left to deal with my stomach pain, the roof, and my job and the job of raising two children by myself.
My parents knew the situation, and offered no help whatsoever. Don't get me wrong I have great parents, but we were not in any physical danger, we were well fed and had the things we needed. It got to the point that the roof was in pretty bad disrepair and I got us out of there as soon as I could.
The bottom line is that I remember thinking once "How could my parents let their grandchildren live this way?" It angered and hurt me until I realized that they could because it was MY mess to fix, what good would they do me if they fixed it for me?
I think they made the right choice by making ME take care of MY problem.
While the disease situations are different and mine is controllable now, I think you get my point. At the time it was difficult, but I was forced to muddle through it on my own, and I'm a better person for it.
I must admit that I chose to blame them somewhat for my situation, but that was simply my perception of the problem at the time.
Had they chosen to handle it differently maybe I would have still blamed them for letting it go on so long.
I know that my blaming was wrong, but still I did it, I was sick and worn out and emotional at the time. (still no excuse)
That's why I think you need to talk to someone and then try to include her so each one knows what the other is thinking and everyones' feelings and thoughts are on the table.
It may not happen, but I think you should try.
I came from a family that chose to not seek professional help with anything, because no one should know your business, in retrospect I would have loved the opportunity to have everyone on the same page and knowing each others thoughts and feelings. I think suppressing these things is not healthy.
I changed this line of thinking with my children and I'm glad I did.

Sorry for my long story, it was the only way I could express my thought process to you.

Additionally, how do the children cope with their mothers' illness, would they also benefit from talking to someone?
Just a thought, I know that at the worst part of illness it was stressful for my children, many times they expressed their fear although they tried to hide it I know it impacted them.

This has been the kids' lives for the past 5 years. It is what they live with everyday. Oldest grand daughter is the nurse, housekeeper, maid and companion. A lot for an 11 year old to deal with. Everything I DID do for them, early on though, WAS for the children. Oldest grandchild "had me on speed dial", so to speak, for years. Now that my daughter has things under more "control", I haven't seen them much.
This past summer I saw them rarely, other than helping them move into their own home. It was nice to see my own friends and get to do some traveling and such. I miss the kids though.

Your story sounds similar to mine. My daughter is 33 and has 3 boys, the youngest is 7. I have pulled her out of jams more times than I can count. She has never had a full time job, is in over her head with college and other debt, but has no degree. She used up all of her student loan money and can't get anymore. Somehow, the fact that she has no job, no money, 3 children, debt, and no car is my fault. She has never taken my advise. Every time I made a suggestion, her response was "I'm not you mom." No, she is not me. I have a job, a bank account, a husband, a car, and no debt. But I don't know what I am talking about. When I say I can't do something for her (immediately when she wants it), she whines that I never do anything for her. What a joke. I have bailed her out of jail (twice), paid her fines, took her back and forth (an hour drive both ways) once a week to see her probation officer, babysat her kids so much they started to feel like mine, paid her utilities multiple times because she waits until they are going to be shut off before she lets me know she can't pay them, etc. etc. If anything is my fault, it is that I have done too much for her. I wouldn't help her at all except I don't want to see my grandchildren suffer. None of this is their fault. But I am sick of it. I am not working my fingers to the bone to pay her bills and be her chauffeur, nanny, secretary, and maid. You adult kids want to make your own decisions, then good for you. Make them. But then act like adults and bail yourself out of you own messes.

Your story sounds similar to mine. My daughter is 33 and has 3 boys, the youngest is 7. I have pulled her out of jams more times than I can count. She has never had a full time job, is in over her head with college and other debt, but has no degree. She used up all of her student loan money and can't get anymore. Somehow, the fact that she has no job, no money, 3 children, debt, and no car is my fault. She has never taken my advise. Every time I made a suggestion, her response was "I'm not you mom." No, she is not me. I have a job, a bank account, a husband, a car, and no debt. But I don't know what I am talking about. When I say I can't do something for her (immediately when she wants it), she whines that I never do anything for her. What a joke. I have bailed her out of jail (twice), paid her fines, took her back and forth (an hour drive both ways) once a week to see her probation officer, babysat her kids so much they started to feel like mine, paid her utilities multiple times because she waits until they are going to be shut off before she lets me know she can't pay them, etc. etc. If anything is my fault, it is that I have done too much for her. I wouldn't help her at all except I don't want to see my grandchildren suffer. None of this is their fault. But I am sick of it. I am not working my fingers to the bone to pay her bills and be her chauffeur, nanny, secretary, and maid. You adult kids want to make your own decisions, then good for you. Make them. But then act like adults and bail yourself out of you own messes.

Agreed! For all the things I have done for her over the years, just as YOU have, it gets old! Since she has been "in counseling" things have only gotten worse. She is going to an establishment that takes "what you can pay" people. I don't honestly know if these people are even certified! I would hope they are... but other members of the family have had their issues with her as well.
Her sister refuses to leave her new baby with her to run errands. She cusses like a sailor in front of her children, but claims to be a good christian mom (and this newest "mindset" just came on, the first of this year). Yes I know she has a handicapping health situation. I was THERE when it was finally diagnosed, after years of trying to find a doctor that would take us seriously. I did not cause her illness, I have done what every mom does and was there through ALL the surgeries, caring for children, giving her sponge baths after every surgery, crying with her, I held her, comforted her, but she is simply an angry person. I think the opiates she's on is a big part of the problem, but without them, her pain level is unmanageable.
Example, her birthday was this last June. It was also the weekend they moved into a house. I asked her to let me know when she had a day to go to lunch and shopping. I've asked a few times since then, and then again last night. She simply said, "I don't need anything" so don't bother. I GIVE UP!
But my grandkidlet's birthdays are all in the next 6 weeks. I have always taken them for a day of WHATEVER they wish to do or buy. (because I can... ) So, this is my next adventure with her. Oh, one other tidbit... the guy she has lived with for the past 7 years, is a felon, cleared now, but it was a long road. Now HIS Mom has moved here from Indiana and she refers to HER as Mom.
Thanks for letting me bend your ear a bit. Adult children are a challenge. We have 4 of them and just this ONE is difficult to understand. Hang in there... I've left things in "her court", I have no more strength for her mind games.