Hello, I know some of the people can be really mean and opinionated.. so here goes nothing..

I have a little boy that has autism and I feel like I cannot bond with him after he was diagnosed.. it nearly killed me that he had to go through life being autistic.. as a matter in fact I dissappeared in my bedroom for 3 months the day after the doctor diagnosed him..

Does that make me a bad mother?

It make you having social issues, perhaps you can get counseling along with your child

No, not a bad mother, but now it's time to pull yourself together and help your son to be the best he can be (just like you would for any child).

How severe is the autism? Autistic kids are very smart, very focused, and love animals. You need to meet with a counselor who knows autism well so you can figure out how to spin things in a positive way -- like, autistic people are usually very visual, so if you tell instructions, also print them on a paper or card (once the child can read). Autistic people don't like changes, so before you move all the furniture around in the living room, talk it over with the child and make it an adventure with him helping.

There are many things like that you can do to help you and to help your child. It definitely is not a thing to be depressed about and cry over.

I don't think you're a bad mother. You're upset, as any mother would be. You fear for your child, you worry about him, and you feel helpless because you can't fix this. Perfectly normal.

I don't know a lot about autism, and really, even those that study it, work with autistic people, they can't truly know how the autistic person feels, how they associate with others, what quality of life they have. Unless you walk a mile in someone's shoes, you can only guess.

You love your son, that much is obvious. So you do what you can for him, you get him the help that's recommended for people with autism, and you give him the support, and above all, you continue to love him as much as you do now, even if he's not able to show you that he understands that you love him, and that he loves you too.

It won't be easy, but I truly believe that those people that are given a child with special needs, are truly special people. Your son is so lucky to have you.

In light of your other thread I'm not sure where you are coming from - https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/should-worry-695035.html

Is your problem with your son, your boyfriend, all of you, yourself, something else?

I don't think you're a bad mother. You're upset, as any mother would be. Youj fear for your child, you worry about him, and you feel helpless because you can't fix this. Perfectly normal.

I don't know a lot about autism, and really, even those that study it, work with autistic people, they can't truly know how the autistic person feels, how they associate with others, what quality of life they have. Unless you walk a mile in someone's shoes, you can only guess.

You love your son, that much is obvious. So you do what you can for him, you get him the help that's recommended for people with autism, and you give him the support, and above all, you continue to love him as much as you do now, even if he's not able to show you that he understands that you love him, and that he loves you too.

It won't be easy, but I truly believe that those people that are given a child with special needs, are truly special people. Your son is so lucky to have you.

Thank you (:
Very uplifting <3

Its truly a blessing but also a curse.
Just hope I find out more about this soon.

No, not a bad mother, but now it's time to pull yourself together and help your son to be the best he can be (just like you would for any child).

How severe is the autism? Autistic kids are very smart, very focused, and love animals. You need to meet with a counselor who knows autism well so you can figure out how to spin things in a positive way -- like, autistic people are usually very visual, so if you tell instructions, also print them on a paper or card (once the child can read). Autistic people don't like changes, so before you move all the furniture around in the living room, talk it over with the child and make it an adventure with him helping.

There are many things like that you can do to help you and to help your child. It definitely is not a thing to be depressed about and cry over.

He goes to school now but he had speech therapy not too long ago. Its mild. He's calm and collective loves trains and music. I just don't feel like I can bond with him.. I just feel helpless with him.. I do everything I can as a mother but I don't feel like I'm being all that I can.

Believe me therapist councler, you name it I've tried. Nothing makes me realize how truly scared I am for my baby as one of these people do.

I've pulled myself together and I do all of this and keep a job and attend school.. so that's not the issue.. issue is am I a bad mother for NOT being able to bond with my son?

issue is am i a bad mother for NOT being able to bond with my son?
Of course not. His brain is wired differently from yours including for emotion. Please read books by Temple Grandin or other, simpler books about how autism is. Your public library should have helpful ones.

What do you want from him? Hugs and kisses? Physical affection and verbal expressions like, "I love you, Mom"? You might not get that for a while. He feels it but doesn't express it. His brain doesn't work that way.

Do you understand what I've said so far?

So my son is turning 6.

For those who have read my other questions:
-its very hard for me to bond with him.
-just as hard for him to bond with others.

He's just the most spoiled child, he has the iPhone, the iPad, the 3D video games down to every train set at almost every toy store.

We've kept the themes close to what he likes (trains & music)
But this upcoming birthday (6 months from now) I want him to have a good time and sleep good that night.

Some positive ideas for an autistic birthday party?

so my son is turning 6.

for those who have read my other questions:
-its very hard for me to bond with him.
-just as hard for him to bond with others.

hes just the most spoiled child, he has the iphone, the ipad, the 3D video games down to every train set at almost every toy store.

we've kept the themes close to what he likes (trains & music)
but this upcoming birthday (6 months from now) I want him to have a good time and sleep good that night.

Some positive ideas for an autistic birthday party?
"He has" these things (at age six?? ) because you gave them to him.

Tell us more about his behavior so I can give you better ideas on parties. (I too have an autistic son.)

Daniel like it when we had a party at a bowling alley and the kids all got to bowl a game. (One game was all they could handle, and mostly they rolled the ball down the lane using both hands with gutter balls resulting.) We also had parties at local parks where there were swings and slides (with moms in attendance or I paid sitters to help).

Never invite more kids than the age of the child.

About all I can think about from my own experience, NO SURPRISE PARTIES for ASD kids. I made that mistake, when my daughter told me she likes surprise parties. Little did I know, she liked it only in theory lol. It was terrible.

"He has" these things (at age six???) because you gave them to him.

Tell us more about his behavior so I can give you better ideas on parties. (I too have an autistic son.)

Daniel like it when we had a party at a bowling alley and the kids all got to bowl a game. (One game was all they could handle, and mostly they rolled the ball down the lane using both hands with gutter balls resulting.) We also had parties at local parks where there were swings and slides (with moms in attendance or I paid sitters to help).

Never invite more kids than the age of the child.

He doesn't like parks and I haven't tried the bowling alley.. and all his friends are his age or younger.
I usually like the train ride idea with some lunch. Almost like a field trip, to the zoo or something.. (have not ever had a party like this) or taking him to a musical or play followed by a small party at the house.

He's calm and very into bright lights and music and trains. He gets so excited! Jellybeans, mario, angry birds, thomas, he loves all of thos things.

Maybe an angry birds party he'd like that.

He sounds like my daughter, who is sensory SEEKING rather than avoidant like many autistic children.

Have you thought about a bounce house? Or one of those indoor bounce places? Like ubounce, jumpstreet, etc.

about all i can think about from my own experience, NO SURPRISE PARTIES for ASD kids. i made that mistake, when my daughter told me she likes surprise parties. little did i know, she liked it only in theory lol. it was terrible.

Awe lol that's a cute story but I can only imagine the look on my sons face if I threw a surprised party!

Hehe yeah. She came in and we all yelled surprise and she burst into tears and didn't stop for a good hour.

I can see it as cute now. But I felt so bad at the time

He sounds like my daughter, who is sensory SEEKING rather than avoidant like many autistic children.

have you thought about a bounce house? or one of those indoor bounce places? like ubounce, jumpstreet, etc.

He doesn't like swings. So maybe that wouldn't be a good choice.
Plus I think it was last year at the pumpkin patch there was a jumper he much rather watch the kids jump then participate himself.

hehe yeah. she came in and we all yelled surprise and she burst into tears and didnt stop for a good hour.

i can see it as cute now. but i felt so bad at the time

I can only imagine. My son barely crys. He uses it as a last resort sometimes.. with grandma.. not with mom lol. He likes peek a boo and hide and seek so I'm not sure if my son would do the same. Ill throw a random party and see one of these days.

a friend of mine has a daughter that pops out of rooms and scares you! So I'm sure she likes surprises! She also has autism.. a mild form but never the less the actions are almost identical to any form of autism.

I would suggest that the two threads about this autistic son be combined. https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/parenting/autistic-son-

One adds to the other.

I would suggest that the two threads about this autistic son be combined. https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/parenting/autistic-son-

One adds to the other.

So me having problems with my child and me trying to figure out what id like to do for his birthday is connected.

Can you please stop answering my questions?

She doesn't need to stop answering your questions. She is giving you good advice. And she is right that having the WHOLE picture is the best way to get advice.

I see a child who is spoiled (in the words of the OP) and has a lot of "stuff." Wonder if that "stuff" is out of guilt and the child plays off that: "so my son is turning 6. for those who have read my other questions: -its very hard for me to bond with him. -just as hard for him to bond with others. hes just the most spoiled child, he has the iphone, the ipad, the 3D video games down to every train set at almost every toy store."

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/children/spoiled-son-695458-2.html#post3243573

I wonder if some sort of counsellor or therapist for the OP would make a difference?

I see a child who is spoiled (in the words of the OP) and has a lot of "stuff." Wonder if that "stuff" is out of guilt and the child plays off that:
I'm guessing no, he doesn't. That's not how an autistic child's brain works. He wouldn't be manipulative. He would just flat out ask for something at the store, figuring Mom would buy it for him (as usual). My autistic son used to watch TV toy commercials at Christmastime and say, one commercial after the other, "I want that."

I'm more worried about the mom giving him more and more "stuff" as she tries to bond with him, thinking giving "stuff" is the key to getting love from him. And I'm betting all four of my cats that the child couldn't care less about a birthday party with other children in attendance. Mom is wanting what she thinks of as "normal," child's birthday = birthday party. There are other ways to celebrate an autistic child's birthday that would work better for the child (not the mom).

I'm guessing no, he doesn't. That's not how an autistic child's brain works. He wouldn't be manipulative. He would just flat out ask for something at the store, figuring Mom would buy it for him (as usual). My autistic son used to watch TV toy commercials at Christmastime and say, one commercial after the other, "I want that."

I'm more worried about the mom giving him more and more "stuff" as she tries to bond with him, thinking giving "stuff" is the key to getting love from him. And I'm betting all four of my cats that the child couldn't care less about a birthday party with other children in attendance. Mom is wanting what she thinks of as "normal," child's birthday = birthday party. There are other ways to celebrate an autistic child's birthday that would work better for the child (not the mom).


Okay, I understand.

And, yes, it appears that "stuff" can soothe all sorts of problems in the mind of the giver.

My friend's autistic daughter is much older (and severely autistic) so it's difficult to remember what/how she handled things.

I also - and I realize the posts aren't combined - have to wonder what role the boyfriend plays in this role. Mom is worried about that relationship plus concerns about her son - has to be more than stressful.

and yeah i spoil my son.. didnt think it was about guilt more like i never had those things. and he will..
Why should he? You are creating a monster, you know.

for someone who does this whole picture answering crap you sure as hell dont pay attention to what i say.

ive already said i got all that. so does he. now what.

and yeah i spoil my son.. didnt think it was about guilt more like i never had those things. and he will..


I have no idea why you keep asking questions when all you want to do is argue and be insulting.

You may think your life is divided into little compartments: one compartment is your autistic son; one compartment is your relationship with your son; one compartment is your boyfriend. I don't think life works that way. One aspect of life affects the other aspects of life.

If you only want to discuss your problems with people who agree with you talk to your friends. If you want advice from the people you are asking for advice, post here.

You have been defensive from the very first moment you posted. Why? "Hello, I know some of the people can be really mean and opinionated.. so here goes nothing.." You judged "us" before you even asked the question.

You have been defensive from the very first moment you posted. Why? "Hello, I know some of the people can be really mean and opinionated.. so here goes nothing.." You judged "us" before you even asked the question.
And she has received feedback from "mean and opinionated people" before this, so she knew where to set the bar when she posted on this site?

And she has received feedback from "mean and opinionated people" before this, so she knew where to set the bar when she posted on this site?


Yes, she prejudged, no question, so I knew going in that anything I said would be "mean and opinionated."