Dear members,

I have recently gone through a break up and I found myself reading these as a way to stay positive, productive, and in a path of healing. Then I thought it wouldn't hurt to ask a question myself, which has probably been answered on other threads, but time is of the essence.

It has been 4 days since my girlfriend broke up with me and there are a few loose ends that I would like to know what you guys think is the best way to handle them.

My ex-girlfriend will be leaving for a work assignment similar to the peace corps in two weeks. I was invited to her going-away party and I was planning on going, but now, since she broke up with me, I don't think I would feel too comfortable being there. I know I am merely projecting myself into the future, but I just see myself breaking the progress I have made in the last four days (I think you guys can see where my thread is going). I am torn because part of me wants to be there to say goodbye, part of me wants to show her I am doing okay, part of me (a very secret, potent part) wants to be there in shining glory, healthy and changed so that if she were to see me and see how I have changed, her heart might change, and I would have the opportunity to have her back, part of me is so afraid of what I truly believe will happen if I go there: I will spend most all of the time standing in corner by myself, holding a drink in one hand and thinking about her the entire time like a human size bug trying to hide in human clothing hoping no one can tell what is odd about me.

There is a gift I was making for her that is almost complete, but I feel it has lost its value because I feel rejected. The gift was a book of little souvenirs from all the places, restaurants, events we went to in our 10 months together.

I was trying to put together a little going away celebration for her with my personal rock climbing friends that got to know her from our time climbing (she got into through me). Part of me thinks I would be confusing things by even doing this, part of me thinks it is the right thing to do because besides this breakup, she made some good acquaintances due to me and the climbing group I am in, and part of me thinks it I just don't have enough perspective to make a good decision regarding this, because she is my first real relationship ( I am 35, complete late bloomer) and I am still pretty hurt about what happened. Part of me wants to just say to myself, Grow up!

Her birthday will be two days after she leaves and I was planning on sending her a special cake from a vegan bakery we enjoy (the same place she got me my birthday cake just a month before), and making her a birthday card (the idea was already thought out) and sending her a gift, but again, it was thought during the time we were still together, and right now everything feels odd to consider her.

Part of me wants nothing to do with her in order to give her space—I am still working on where I fit into this because I want to be with her.

The break up came as a complete a shock, but hearing some of her reasons, I can understand more of what she was feeling. Using other words, she said that I was putting her on a high pedestal and didn't feel comfortable about it. I still think highly about her and still feel love for her, I only wish we could have worked that out while we were still in the relationship--isn't that what couples do? I know I would have done everything to improve that part of myself because I choose to be with her, and my narrow perspective of putting her on a pedestal got the best of me.

Also, I want to keep the door open to her on my side if she would choose to come back to me, however, I have little hope that she would do this because I feel she really gave it her all and discovered this part of me.

I am not sure if this gives you all a full background to the issue, but something tells me some members like Talaniman, Chuff, All heart, Forever Zero, and LBP have seen these kinds of situations before. If you have questions, please feel free to let me know and I'll answer them as best as I can.

I am just looking to open my perspective a bit on how to handle the next couple of weeks.

You keep your dignity by not going, by not giving a single gift or card, and by having no further contact of any kind. In a way I can see what she was talking about, because you want to give her things that no one would want if they just broke up with someone, and you need to really sit down and THINK that through! Souvenirs? Favorite bakeries? Putting together another going away gathering, just because you were the one who introduced her to the people? NO NO NO. You wouldn't be doing anything but making a fool of yourself. The one exception is the going away party IF she is the one who invited you. Otherwise NO. Please 'get' what it means to be dumped, even if it's painful.

You sound like a very generous, giving person and while females love cards, flowers and gifts in general, there's also a limit. I can already tell from your post that you over extend yourself and I'm sorry but that is a huge turnoff. I can see how she would be uncomfortable with you putting her on a pedestal. Learn a lesson from this. Treat women with respect and kindless but love yourself enough to never put anyone on a pedestal. I have a close guy friend that is too nice. You sound like one of those guys and I'm here to tell you as a woman that it is an undesirable quality. Everything in life has a balance and you need to find that in yourself. There is too much of a good thing.

She doesn't want to be with you so go silent and work on letting go. I had a guy dump me the day before his birthday and I never wished him a happy birthday nor did I send him the gift I bought him.

You keep your dignity by not going, by not giving a single gift or card, and by having no further contact of any kind.

Joypulv,
Thank you for your words--they are very helpful. There is one other matter that I forgot to mention in the original post. We are both members of the same gym and I feel it is highly probable that I would bump into her because we both would workout after work 6-11pm. I feel more encoraged to work on myself, but going to the gym has always been a source of healing. I really want to respect her wishes and give her space, but am I acting like a doormat by rearranging my workout schedule to give her that space (two weeks--not so bad really) until she is gone? Part of me feels it is a good idea to create a space certain of absolute "No Contact" by not going to the gym, and another part of me feels disgruntled that I would make this accomodation when some special things I do are through my workouts.

I would go to the gym at a different time when I would not see her.

I know you are hoping on seeing a post that looks something like this:

"You have nothing to lose by going to that party, you can redo the four days of work in no time, and you might as well give her the gift as a going away present"...

... But that is not what I would recommend. She has made her choice, respect it and go no contact, keep working on yourself as you have been doing, and start moving on. Going to that party might lead to something else, something that will greatly create false hope inside of you, this is what you want to stay away from. Burn the present, and move on... this will be the most dignified way of letting this girl go.

Yeah move on, you gave everything you can while in a relationship with her, go NC. Think about it no door is absolutely closed anyway whether you contact or not but don't push her further away keep your dignity and pride intact. If ever she will want you back what you gave during your relationships will have its residues and those are the things that will work for you. For now less is more, NC is the way to go and if you can love somebody like that do it to yourself and I promise if you do that good things will come to you.

The hours you might go are between 6 and 11? Surely you aren't there 5 hours each night.
Go when you want and if you see her and can't just avoid each other, suggest that you agree on schedules that don't overlap for the next 2 weeks. If she's leaving the country I have a feeling her routine won't include the gym much before she leaves.

Of course you have fantasies about showing her how well you are doing - almost everyone has that fantasy, and a lot more. There's plenty of time to do that a long time from now. It's good to work it all out that way. But the best way to get over someone is to be angry at them as soon as you can after the crushing hurt subsides.

Going to that party might lead to something else, something that will greatly create false hope inside of you, this is what you want to stay away from.

It hurts to thinks this, but I know it is a part of who I am to look for ways to create false hopes.

Thanks mmresd.

You sound like a very generous, giving person and while females love cards, flowers and gifts in general, there's also a limit. I can already tell from your post that you over extend yourself and I'm sorry but that is a huge turnoff. I can see how she would be uncomfortable with you putting her on a pedestal. Learn a lesson from this. Treat women with respect and kindness but love yourself enough to never put anyone on a pedestal.

Here2assist, thank you very much for your insights! I can't express enough how helpful it is hearing this come from a female's point of view. If I may ask you a personal question—feel free to answer it or not—how do you do this in your significant relationships? Do you keep track of what you give your significant other? Do you sort of parse it out over time? Do you express it naturally? Is it something you have to be conscious of? Are there definite "no-brainers" like birthdays, Valentine's Day, etc?

Everything I gave to my girlfriend felt like it came from a good place within me. Sometimes it was influenced by my enthusiasm for her, say if we went from kissing to something more physically intimate, than I would be a little more enthusiastic. To be honest, there were a few times I would struggle to complete these gifts under my expected time because I would want her to receive the gift when the experience was still fresh. Sometimes I would simply become inspired by one thing and then another. She knows I like to make things like homemade cards, letters, getting her a little knickknack. She knows I am into the details that shape these personal gifts. She also knows that I struggle financially and though it would be great to have the resources to be more spontaneous, I worked more with the things that were within my reach to express my appreciation for her in my life. To me, all these things were small romantic investments that I hoped would show her that I was thinking about her and considering her in this way. I don’t understand when you say there’s a limit--it sounds contrived, yet insightful. I also admit I can lose myself in these things—but isn’t that what love is all about?!?! Since she and I are members of the same gym, I didn't want to replace spending time with her there with time for just us—to me that would have cheapened both kinds of experiences, like killing two birds with one stone. If we were going to the gym on the same day, I would want to bring a little intention of being with her by asking her if we could walk there together at some point earlier, again to let her know I was thinking about it, about her and also initiating the walk there together. I was hoping it would communicate, I want to be with you first, before doing these things.

Today I looked at the card supplies, a draft of the next letter, other things that i placed around my desk about her and I felt dejected. If I am not consciously aware of what I am doing for my significant other, then I think the girl will feel I am taking her for granted. If I am on top of the natural flow of what I want to do for her, then I feel I am seen as overextending myself and unattractive. If I sparse it out, it doesn’t feel natural and it feels robotic. This balance of being present and attractive…to say the least, I don’t understand.

I almost get the feeling you are trying to buy and lock in her affections by giving her these gifts and hereby obligating her. The gifts and other attentions are more for you than in consideration of what she wants/needs.

Sweet gestures are great but they lose their significance and relevance when they're so frequently received. I do not keep track however I don't believe in giving more than I get in return. God that sounds so awful when I read it but this was actually advised to me by a professional dating coach. If a guy isn't willing to give you a commitment then don't give him a commitment. I think you get the gist.

I think birthdays, X-Mas etc is totally appropriate. Flowers and a card every once in awhile to show her that you love her will always be well received. When you go beyond that point the other person starts to feel like they are being worshipped instead of loved. There's a difference and it's all in your attitude about yourself and treatment toward her. You must believe that you deserve love and the best mate possible. No one wants a doormat or a pushover. I tried to use my friend as an example. He's too damn nice and by that I mean he's always wanting to buy me gifts and take me to dinner and we're just friends. It makes me feel uncomfortable and we're not even dating. When he dates someone he goes way overboard and gives too much of himself. While you want to put your partner high on your priority list you need to put yourself first.

I also try to pickup on cues for how my significant other gives love. Some people give love through affection and their time. Others show love through verbal expressions. I try to mirror that with the guy I'm dating. That's not to say I'll accept less than I deserve or tolerate any treatment beneath my standards but I will somewhat model off him. Again this is dating advice I received from a male perspective for a woman in a relationship.

For your next one try and chill on the gift giving. If you simply give your respect, appreciation, time and consideration you will get much farther then constantly showering her with gifts.

"Today I looked at the card supplies, a draft of the next letter, other things that i placed around my desk about her and I felt dejected."

Get rid of anything that reminds you of her including things you were planning to give her, things you received from her, texts, emails, voicemails... all of it. This is part of your past and no longer part of your present or future. Be strong and resolve to move forward :-)

When you go beyond that point the other person starts to feel like they are being worshipped instead of loved.

Here2, this was the most impactful thing I have read because it gives me insight to what my girlfriend may have felt. I thought relationships were 1) complex, that is, you have another person in the mix and that just creates things that cannot be easily undone or deciphered, yet 2) simple, that is, you are either in love with that person or not, moving forward or not, and you simply treat that person like you want to be treated.

I thought I was showing her the effects of the love she was giving me. The gifts were the byproducts of her love, or our love.

I still have so much to learn, and when I think about what that means, that it can only be learned going through relationships, I feel tennuous about the process. However, I must admit, before my previous relationship had started, I noticed two people kissing on a subway platform, and how there was all this commotion going on around them, but they were locked in each other's gaze, their vision was filled with the other. When the previous relationship ended, I thought I would never have my vision filled of another person, but it did, I met R.

Thank you Here2. This really opened my mind to things.

Take a two week break from the gym, and clean your house, and find family and friends to do things with while you just leave her alone, and stay with NC!

The others have given you some excellent advice, and maybe reading the stickies will bring you direction until you can fully accept that you had your fun, and its time for the next chapter to open after you have closed this one. You have done it before, so that helps.

Relationships - Ask Me Help Desk (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/)

Talaniman Rule - When you get dumped DISAPPEAR, and do your own thing.

How long did you date? How long were you official?

You said dignity in your header. Dignity means pride and carrying yourself as one who has confidence in who they are.

The book of souvenirs is lovely. From a woman's standpoint, I would love to have it, even if I broke up with someone. However, going to the party will show you just as you very well described, a large human bug--awkward and alone. You are a very good at reflecting your feelings, and express yourself so well, you are obviously very intelligent (and witty, athletic, and someone very desirable I am sure). The problem is, you love her more than she loves you. That is never good.

There is no shame in this. You are a very deep, sentimental person. My husband is just like this. He is the most wonderful man, but it took him years to find the woman who would appreciate and adore him for these qualities. Young beautiful women often times know they are beautiful, and see this adoration as a weakness in a young man. She is in this stage of her life. Wait until she is 35. She will be looking for someone who will really care as you do.

I would give her the souvenir book. She will look back on it someday and think, "What was I thinking?" Every woman wants to be on a pedestal. Especially when she is in love with the guy. She just does not feel the same way as you.

She is not for you. Keep looking. Believe me, the deepest pain of rejection can be completely transformed into a harmless memory when you achieve your goals, and along the way stumble across that sensitive one who loves a romantic man. She IS out there and she will send you to the moon.

How long did you date? How long were you official?

We dated for two weeks. Simply put, when I would run into her at the gym, I would ask how she was doing and see if she was leaving at the close of the gym or earlier. If it worked out for my schedule, I would ask to walk out with her. Turns out she lived close by, and so I got to talk with her more as I walked her home. And after that, whenever I saw her, I would talk with her a bit, ask her how she was doing and I would let her know when I was leaving to feel out if she wanted to leave with me. After two weeks of walking her home, I got the courage together to ask her out on an official date. At the end of the first date, I kissed her.
Even though we weren't official at the time, I treated her like she was the only one I was dating. I felt confident that I could let my guard down and let this thing we had take shape. And the feeling was mutual: we were only dating each other.
We were going together for 10 months. September 24th 2012 would have been our first year anniversary.

I almost get the feeling you are trying to buy and lock in her affections by giving her these gifts and hereby obligating her. The gifts and other attentions are more for you than in consideration of what she wants/needs.

Wondergirl, I appreciate your reply, but I am not sure I have given enough background on the issue. When R and I first met, I noticed making cards and putting personal touches on handmade gifts was a thing we shared in common. She described the kinds of cards she's made in the past, and the special things she does for friends. From a certain point of view, I feel this is what I do as an artist. About 5 years ago I made a Valentine's Day card for a girl that I was dating (when we met, Valentine's Day was just around the corner). We had just met and I was stoked about her. I am sure she apprecited the card, but it felt like it just fell flat, and shortly after, she just stopped going out with me. We dated no more than two weeks and from the lack of response, I thought I should save doing that kind of stuff for someone who I believe would really appreciate it. This was during a time when I was reshaping what I was hoping for in a woman--thinking that women of this city don't have time for that, and trying to figure out what works and what doesn't.

When I felt R's genuine interest in things like that, I felt I had found not only someone very unique and rare, but someone for me.

When I send R a dozen roses with a card and a USB key with a quick time video on it, she replied with a 14 line poem complete with a rhyme scheme--she was a classics major.

I wanted to show her I was thinking about her rather than solely saying it in words. It's not that I think about her all the time, but whenever I did, I wanted her know.

...But the best way to get over someone is to be angry at them as soon as you can after the crushing hurt subsides.

What is odd is I don't feel angry at her. I feel she was extreemly overwhelmed and felt she had to reevaluate her priorities. Pressure can do weird thing to us and I am not impervious to it. I try to be as grounded as I can, but again, I am human. If I had done something like that to R, I believe she would have tried to understand, and that is all I am trying to do.

I love her and want what was best for the both of us all time. I was agrivated that she wouldn't let me into what she was going through becuase I thought that's what couples do in a relationship. I assumed there would be a chance to talk these things over before making final decisions; however, I know my concepts about relationships are not fully baked, perhaps more better stated: I am naive.

When the spark is gone/when feelings change.

Dear members,

It has been a two months since my most recent breakup. Emotionally I am doing okay and things are becoming better, but I have few lingering concerns that I would like to sort out, and haven't been able to. I am posting this in hopes to get your feedback to just that.

During my previous breakup, a major part of the pain was holding on to a concept I had about being in love to the reality of my situation. I believed since we uttered “those special words” and were in a loving relationship, we created something strong that wouldn't break easily; something that goes beyond understanding. I would beat myself up wondering how she could break up with me when she said that she loved me.

After that breakup, I was reading articles about relationships online to relieve some of the pain, and I came across one that described relationships in phases, the “honeymoon” phase being first. It was a lifesaver! That article gave me a more realistic perspective on relationships and even though the girl I was involved with and I were serious about each other from the start, I was able to see that we were still getting to know each other. The relationship was special to me, and I valued it like no other; every day was a blessing, I had no reason to judge the time we were spending together. There was no way to predict her skiing accident that, in a way, tore us apart. In total, we were together for two and a half months. After the break up, I realized that even though our feelings ran deep, we didn't have much time to know those feelings.

The break up with my most recent girl, RM, caught me completely off guard. I am 35 and she is 23 (when we met I thought she may have been younger, but not by very much; however, the difference in our ages wasn't a big deal). We met at the gym through doing mutual activities. I felt we took our time to get to know each other yet also rushed a little with the excitement of becoming together. We were very close from the start, and I gave her my heart, cautiously at first, yet faithfully. Our relationship was built on goodness. We saw each other often, worked out together, went to gym classes, and went out. Even on the days we couldn't see each other were beautiful in and of themselves because I would want to see her more the next time we were together. Our relationship wasn't always brilliant and full of wonder and awe, but that didn't matter because to me our relationship was perfect because it was real and ours.

I didn't want to take our relationship for granted just because we were doing well for more than a couple months, but as time went on I felt more and more for her. I wanted to keep our relationship in perspective and not automatically think that we would simply be together (something I am guilty of in the past). It felt natural to consider it work to keep it fresh, like keeping a tidy home. I felt with the time we had spent together and how well we were doing, we were able to really know that we wanted to be with each other. We were together for ten and a half months (remember, my longest relationship before this was my previous one that lasted for two and a half months).

She shared with me from the start that she was interested in doing an AmeriCorps project, which usually last for a year. I truly supported her going away, and every time she told me about which program she was interviewing for, she would wholeheartedly exclaim that she did not want our relationship to end. When she would say that directly it was powerful, but what really set me at ease was when she would say it indirectly.

When she was accepted, I worried that my support wasn't real like an automatic response lacking any real conviction. I supported her and what she wanted; I wanted to be by her side, and show her I would be there, but inside, I didn't know anything about long distance relationships. I didn't know what that would really involve, and how it would change things between us. I was all for being positive, but I wanted to offer more, and the acceptance to the program made these tentative changes we were pondering a reality. However, one of my proudest moments was finding the strength inside to be there for her. After two days of real soul searching, I discovered that I was strong enough to support her, and I was ready for anything and I never felt better. On the day I wanted to tell her about what I achieved, she asked if we can have “a talk”. She had realized that by the time she would be finished with the AmeriCorps position, she would be entering Law School. She didn't know which school she would attend because her LSAT test scores would determine her options. Ultimately, she said there were too many question marks in the air. That was when everything changed.

When she broke up with me, she found it difficult to talk about what she was thinking, or feeling or had gone through—she was closed off and distraught. She confessed that she wanted to tell me how she felt four weeks before when we sat down to decide what we were going to do with the coming changes a month and a half away. One of the final things she said was that the spark was gone and that she didn't feel the same way.

When I think about her and all that happened leading to the breakup, I always end up thinking, or better stated, assuming that she would have talked to me about how she was feeling to work things out and create solutions together. I thought the lesson from my previous relationship was you have to take the time to really get to know your partner, and then choose them when you are not so swayed by your feelings. Is this naïve and immature? When you are in an exclusive loving relationship, do you owe it to your significant other to share those feelings so you can work out issues? I understand that feelings can change, and a big part of me believes that if I felt like the “spark” was dwindling or my feelings were changing, I would have talked to her about it, but to be perfectly honest, I don't really know what I would have done because nothing remotely close to that ever came up between us. I loved her and I was in love with her. I would have done anything for her, and what is odd, I still feel that way even today. I know I haven't moved on. I know it is the only option, and yet I remain in this limbo.

When it comes to relationships, I feel I'm not up to speed. I was 28 when I had my first relationship, 33 when I had my first real loving relationship (the one that lasted two and a half months), and 35, my current age, when I was with someone for a significant amount of time. She is 11 years my junior, and I feel she (and everyone else I come in contact with) is light-years ahead of me, and it makes me feel inept and I don't know how to change this because you have to be in a relationship to really learn about them, right?

I know that I cannot look to anyone to get closure and that ultimately I give it to myself, but I hope I've given you enough background to my questions for your opinion.

Thank you for reading.

—Susurrus

Sometimes guy we have to just realize that life is an ever changing thing, and priorities are different. While she was having fun and so were you, her dreams and hopes were bigger than the love you thought you had.

Feelings are subject to change many times and its not at all surprising when one partners feelings change and the other partners feelings do not! Bad timing, or the inevitable. Whatever its just something you accept, appreciate, feel bad when it ends, and heal and move on.

Its simple, but what complicates things are those feelingsand coping with them. Coping with what reality throws at you is what life is really all about.

What you thought its all about love?? As you have found out that YOUR love has nothing to do with the priorities of another, and may NOT even be as strong as anothers. It happens.

Heal, and keep exploring your world.

When I originally wrote this last post, it was really addressed to you, but I thought it would be better addressed to everyone on this site. I appreciate your response very much.

Hello, I know I am late to the party, but I have had something eerily similar happen to me recently. It has only been a few weeks since, but we still talk (which is difficult), I know I should go NC, but she calls and texts me too... I was just wondering if you could tell me how it is going for you and if you ever heard from her again?