Let me start by saying that I am so grateful that this site exists. I stumbled upon it the other day searching for answers about my wife rather spending all her time and energy on the kids and pretty much ignoring my wants and needs entirely.

This really hit home the other night. My wife has been out of town on a conference trip with some ladies from her office for the last week. In the mean time, my mother in-law had volunteered to keep our kids to help me out while I worked all week. Anyway, my wife's flight came in the other night and I met her at the airport to drive her home. It was late so I expected she would pick up the kids from her mom's the next day since she had the day off but to my surprise, she told me she was going to drive another 40 minutes to her moms and spend the night with the kids. She said she was on her period so we couldn't have sex anyway (she doesn't like to have sex while on her period).

This hurt, we had a perfect opportunity to have a night alone for us time and she choose to leave me at home and go to her moms. I was fine with not having sex, I just wanted some us time. I worked the next day so staying over at her parent's wasn't an option for me since it would add another 40 minutes onto my drive time of an hour that I already drive to get to work.

We seriously don't get Us time at all or it's very rare if we do. Date nights are rare due to my daughter (step) not liking me and refusing to watch her siblings so we can go out. We don't get time alone even after we both get home.

We both get home about the same time so it's either I cooking supper and her taking care of the kids or vise verse. After supper there's baths to be given (we have a 2 1/2 year old daughter). By that time it's 8p and I'm fighting with my youngest daughter to get her to lay down for bed time. Most often than not, I struggle until 10 or so and by that time my wife is already asleep and I'm just drained physically and emotionally that's if I don't just give up after an hour of struggling and lay her down in our bed so she goes to sleep. Even if I get her to fall asleep in her own bed she ends up in ours by the end of the night. My wife is no help when it comes to getting the kids to bed and it's just frustrating. We haven't had sex in probably 3 months because of this.

I don't know what to do anymore. I want a marriage, not a partnership. We've done the counseling thing and things did improve for awhile. Venting over, what am I suppose to do? I don't know anymore, I am having serious doubts about even wanting to be married to the woman I fell in love with 10 years ago or rather, I want to be married to the woman I fell in love with, not my kids' mother.

You get back into counseling

You arrange a date night for you and her once or twice a month to start.

You need some serious time away from the kids, house and work. Can you get a small trip organized for the two of you and the kids taken care of my someone; a housitter?

Becauce it has more information about your situation, I have copied & pasted your post from an other thread:

First off, I'm a stepfather of a 15yr old so I've been there and done that. I've been in my daughter’s life since she was 3 years old. I'm the only dad she has known considering her father has been incarcerated since her birth. VERY long story short, I’m at the stage in her life that “I’m not her dad”.

I’d be willing to go into the primary issue in a longer post of my own but I don’t want to steal yours. We now have a son almost 7yrs and a daughter 2 ½ yrs (which she deliberately treats like trash around me). Anyway, my trouble started shortly after I started dating my current wife. She moved to my state from another and during the summer our daughter stayed with her parents. Up until then, I had a decent relationship with her/my daughter. When she came back from my wife’s parents my daughter was unruly. She wouldn’t listen to me and rebelled every chance she had (almost like my wife’s mom told her that she didn’t have to listen to me which I can believe considering she has caused so many other problems in our marriage). One instance specifically she (our daughter) yelled at me “get out of my room” when I was trying to get her to go to sleep after 9p (3 year old mind you). I looked at my now wife and she told me to spank her, I did. Since then it seems she’s had resentment towards me.

There has only been 2 times I have spanked my eldest daughter at which time my wife had told me to do so. The second time was when she was 12 years old and was treating my wife like crap. CPS was called and we were investigated.
My wife has used me from the start as the discipline mechanism for all of our kids which has caused some serious problems especially for our eldest. “Wait until I tell daddy” has caused a lot of distance between me and my kids. They see her as their “friend” and me as their punisher of bad behavior no matter what I do.

Anyway, I’ve never really felt comfortable around our eldest in regards to hugs and cuddling because of how I was forced into the enforcer position as well as being well aware of the accusations that could be brought upon just by a child saying that a stepfather did something inappropriate. Have I ever, HELL no and would never but in this day and age a father figure can’t be too careful so of course I have distanced myself from her since the start of the problems. In the mean time, I had stumbled across an “essay” that my daughter had written and left laying on her floor of how she has hated me from the start and how I have taken her mother away from her…

About a year ago the “You’re not my father” started in. It’s torn me apart to be rather truthful considering I have looked after, loved in my own conservative way, paid for as a dependant, etc… This entire time my wife has told me it’s my fault and that I hadn’t tried hard enough to make our daughter love me. At no point will or has my wife talked to our daughter to discuss her attitude towards me. It’s to the point where she uses me and my relation to her advantage at the same time she hates “us” and wants nothing to do with us.

Long story long, don’t immediately blame your husband for the affection that is or isn’t given. There may be a very good reason that is being over looked. Sometimes we are blinded by our love for our kids. As a grown up, it affects us more that a child doesn’t love us that we have provided for than it does them. Remember when you were a tween, you may have not liked your parents and double that for someone that is not your biological parent.

I appologize for the long post, this kind of hit home so I had to share :(

I think your issues go far beyond not having time with your wife, sex or your oldest daughter's attitude. It seems to hinge on how you and your wife interact and communicate. In both posts I see a lack of communications and working as a team.

Marriage is always a partnership. No matter what else goes on you are always partners and have to work together. Nothing is going to get better until the two of you begin to communicate without resentment or blame getting in the way.

Tell your wife that you are no longer going to be used as a goad to get the children to do anything. You will support her when she disciplines them and you will discipline them when you see them doing something wrong and you will consult with her over major discipline needs.

Rebuild your relationship with your oldest daughter. Yes, she is rebelling. Guess what, teens do that. So do children who feel like they aren't wanted. Holding back from caring about her is even more damaging than hitting her. She is acting out because she is lost. She knows you aren't her biological father. She knows she is different from the other two. She knows you have a blood bond with them that she cannot have with you. She is questioning her identity and place. She is questioning why the men who are supposed to love her don't seem to. If they can't, who will? She is lost confused and striking out. What are you doing? Are you standing strong like a lighthouse or turning your back on her?

Get back into counseling. Find a new counselor if needed. If your wife won't go, go alone. Think about family counseling and ask your oldest to join you. Your wife's reaction to that may tell you more about your marriage than anything else.

Good luck.

Becauce it has more information about your situation, I have copied & pasted your post from an other thread: .

I can’t agree. My other post has nothing to do with what I am talking about in this post. I have obviously struck a nerve because of my opinion in regards to my daughter because you were in a “similar” situation. My daughter and my problem is a completely different problem that I am working on.

Communication could probably use some improvement I’d agree but I am puzzled how I have resentment or blame issues? I don’t resent the time that my wife or I spend with our kids. I cherish my children, all of them.


Rebuild your relationship with your oldest daughter.

Again, completely different situation and again, something that I am working on. To explain so I can take this bad stepfather target off my back, I do and have always cared for my daughter. If that were the case, I wouldn’t refer to her as MY daughter. I have for a long time told her that I love her with no response in return. I have always supported her emotionally and academically. This issue is the hardest of all of the issues that I have in my family life and I guarantee/promise you that I don’t ignore it and treat her like I don’t care.

Counseling for the current issue I posted in this thread about is always a possibility. In regards to family counseling with our daughter, won’t happen. We tried that last year and she outright refused (daughter). When my wife tried to take her in by herself, she refused to move from the waiting room and would not talk to the therapist. I would be more than happy to revisit the possibility because I do want a “normal” relationship with my daughter but again, different issue.

Dear DsprtCfsd,
I sympathize with you. That must have really hurt when you finally had alone time with your wife and she left to go to her mom's.
I realize there is a lot going on here and counseling I am sure would definitely be good. BUT I do want to encourage you and tell you that things can be hard when kids are little, and teenagers are not happy (sometimes hormonal). Parents can get so caught up with the needs of the kids that they forget to take time for each other. It can be really rough when kids are little and both parents work. Hang in there, you will get through this. My husband and I have 6 kids and have been married for 31 years. I memorably remember one night when my husband and I climbed into bed and somehow in the bed were cracker crumbs. As we both laid there exhausted we were both too tired to get up and just slept on the crumbs (we aren't messy people, or the kind of people wo would normally do that). The thing is, is that is a fond memory now that we laugh over. When we went through it, it was not funny, we felt like chaotic crazies :-) BUT, kids grow up and life moves on. Hang in there. The woman you love is STILL in there, probably feeling a little like you also.
I am sure counseling would be good too. Be encouraged... your kids will grow up and one day you will look back on some of this time with fond memories ;-)

Communication could probably use some improvement I’d agree but I am puzzled how I have resentment or blame issues? I don’t resent the time that my wife or I spend with our kids. I cherish my children, all of them.

I think you do care about all of your children.

The resentment I was referring to was being cast in the role of 'enforcer' and your wife 'blaming' you for not doing enough to get your oldest daughter to love you. Quite frankly, I think your wife's attitude is a bigger issue than you may realize.

Actually, I think that while you may need to look at things from a different perspective, you do sound like a caring person who is just as lost as the teen.

I don't know what else is going on, but I think your wife may not be as involved in the partnership/marriage as you are. I get glimpses of someone who is creating drama or using the children as a shield/buffer to keep you at arms reach. If you think about it, is that what is happening?

One other thing, why does the teen have to be the one to babysit her siblings? Why not ask a grandparent, family friend, or someone else to watch the children while you go out together?

Thank you Maddy, I seriously appreciate the encouragement.


I think you do care about all of your children.

The resentment I was referring to was being cast in the role of 'enforcer' and your wife 'blaming' you for not doing enough to get your oldest daughter to love you. Quite frankly, I think your wife's attitude is a bigger issue than you may realize.

That makes sense, sorry, I was trying to separate the two and just confused myself.


Actually, I think that while you may need to look at things from a different perspective, you do sound like a caring person who is just as lost as the teen.

Thank you, I really appreciate the understanding.


I don't know what else is going on, but I think your wife may not be as involved in the partnership/marriage as you are. I get glimpses of someone who is creating drama or using the children as a shield/buffer to keep you at arms reach. If you think about it, is that what is happening?

Oh, don’t get me wrong, my wife loves me dearly but I guess that doesn’t answer the involved portion. To explain more in regards to the “I’m going to tell your dad” I guess it’s just the way that she grew up in her family. Heck, I can remember my mom telling me that on a daily basis so I’m in the same boat but I have asked her numerous times to stop cause it does feel like it instills a “fear” into our kids of me. I’m not a bad guy, I do spank (right or wrong, this day and age I don’t know anymore) but very rarely and it has to be for something that was extremely bad otherwise there’s the corner.


One other thing, why does the teen have to be the one to babysit her siblings? Why not ask a grandparent, family friend, or someone else to watch the children while you go out together?

Don’t get me wrong, we do have this option and it is a lot more available than it used to be now that my sister and her family are back in state. Her sister and family moved out of state so her parents do spend more time with us and do watch the kids more now. My parent’s, well, that’s whole ‘nother can of worms.

The options are there as are the opportunities at times but there’s lack of follow through I guess you would say. Like the other night, would have been a perfect opportunity to just (ok so I’m kind of a sensitive guy) hold each other in bed and talk about how her trip went and the fun things they got to do outside of the conference. I just need to take control more I guess and get plans made and set them in stone to have nights out together. Sounds a little controlling, especially for an introvert but what else can I do?

Let me start off by saying that I am so grateful that this site exists. I stumbled upon it the other day searching for answers about my wife rather spending all her time and energy on the kids and pretty much ignoring my wants and needs entirely.

This really hit home the other night. My wife has been out of town on a conference trip with some ladies from her office for the last week. In the mean time, my mother in-law had volunteered to keep our kids to help me out while I worked all week. Anyway, my wife's flight came in the other night and I met her at the airport to drive her home. It was late so I expected she would pick up the kids from her mom's the next day since she had the day off but to my surprise, she told me she was going to drive another 40 mins to her moms and spend the night with the kids. She said she was on her period so we couldn't have sex anyway (she doesn't like to have sex while on her period).

This hurt, we had a perfect opportunity to have a night alone for us time and she choose to leave me at home and go to her moms. I was fine with not having sex, I just wanted some us time. I worked the next day so staying over at her parent's wasn't an option for me since it would add another 40 mins onto my drive time of an hour that I already drive to get to work.

We seriously don't get Us time at all or it's very rare if we do. Date nights are rare due to my daughter (step) not liking me and refusing to watch her siblings so we can go out. We don't get time alone even after we both get home.

We both get home about the same time so it's either I cooking supper and her taking care of the kids or vise verse. After supper there's baths to be given (we have a 2 1/2 year old daughter). By that time it's 8p and I'm fighting with my youngest daughter to get her to lay down for bed time. Most often than not, I struggle until 10 or so and by that time my wife is already asleep and I'm just drained physically and emotionally that's if I don't just give up after an hour of struggling and lay her down in our bed so she goes to sleep. Even if I get her to fall asleep in her own bed she ends up in ours by the end of the night. My wife is no help when it comes to getting the kids to bed and it's just frustrating. We haven't had sex in probably 3 months because of this.

I don't know what to do anymore. I want a marriage, not a partnership. We've done the counseling thing and things did improve for awhile. Venting over, what am I suppose to do? I don't know anymore, I am having serious doubts about even wanting to be married to the woman I fell in love with 10 years ago or rather, I want to be married to the woman I fell in love with, not my kids' mother.


I see a ton of problems here, all based on a total lack of communication.

As far as your sex life - have you talked to your wife? Have you had the "I need more sex" conversation? As far as your 2-1/2 year old is concerned, if she's running the show now, wait until she's older. I don't know what the "counseling thing" involved, how many times you went, who went. If it worked once, try it again.

Your stepdaughter doesn't like you so she won't babysit with her half-siblings (or siblings)? Again, who is running the show? I'd hire an 18 year old babysitter to watch her AND her siblings. I think that would pretty much end that discussion.

I would seem to me that if your wife wanted to spend time, have time with you she would make an effort which she is not making. I don't know why that is. Have you asked her?

Personally I would have driven to her Mom's the night she few home and driven the extra 40 minutes in the morning. That's just my choice. Maybe there's a reason it didn't work for you. I'll go back to the lack of communication - you went to the Airport thinking you would have the night alone and she flew in intending to go to her mother's? It seems that you either don't talk to each other and don't hear each other. I don't know which one it is.

I think there are resentments on both sides. You may or may not know what they are. She may or may not know. You BOTH need to work on this relationship or you BOTH need to end it.

Life is too short.

EDIT: I think Cat1864 hit this right on the head - I see a lot of anger on your part. Why was it necessary to mention the stepdaughter's incarcerated father? He's out of her life. It sounds like she may have heard exactly this.

The stepdaughter is a problem in your life; your mother-in-law is a problem; the 2-1/2 year old is a problem; CPS got called in; you got physical with a stepchild.

I'm changing my advice. Go to counselling by yourself, for yourself. I can read the anger in your thread. You need to explore the source of that.

Communication could probably use some improvement I'd agree but I am puzzled how I have resentment or blame issues? I don't resent the time that my wife or I spend with our kids. I cherish my children, all of them.

Again, completely different situation and again, something that I am working on. To explain so I can take this bad stepfather target off my back, I do and have always cared for my daughter. If that were the case, I wouldn't refer to her as MY daughter.


What? Did you not post this: "Anyway, I've never really felt comfortable around our eldest in regards to hugs and cuddling because of how I was forced into the enforcer position as well as being well aware of the accusations that could be brought upon just by a child saying that a stepfather did something inappropriate. Have I ever, HELL no and would never but in this day and age a father figure can't be too careful so of course I have distanced myself from her since the start of the problems."

His wife somehow forced him to spank his stepdaughter to the point that CPS was called?

It can't be both ways. (And I'm a stepmother times 5 PLUS a stepgrandmother times 4. I know all about stepchild, stepgrandmother issues and family dynamics.)

When everything (lack of sex, lack of communication, lack of time together, one partner avoiding the other, one partner avoiding sexual and emotional contact) is blamed on everyone else - I have to wonder.

And, yes, my minor was Psychology.

Like the other night, would have been a perfect opportunity to just (ok so I’m kind of a sensitive guy) hold each other in bed and talk about how her trip went and the fun things they got to do outside of the conference. I just need to take control more I guess and get plans made and set them in stone to have nights out together. Sounds a little controlling, especially for an introvert but what else can I do?[/QUOTE]

That sounds very romantic. However, while you were thinking of all of that, your wife was perhaps busy and tired being involved with her trip? Do you communicate on email? Why not start? You could have shot her an email way in advance telling her you were looking forward to exactly that. What you told us. If she really wasn't going to be in the mood for that, she could have given you the heads up and it would have alleviated your hurt and disappointment. OR, it could have gotten her in the mood in advance while she was in a more rested stated mind, perhaps earlier in the day? Look at it as sort of like emotional foreplay in advance on email. Sets the mood, and communication is clear. ;-)

That sounds very romantic. However, while you were thinking of all of that, your wife was perhaps busy and tired being involved with her trip? Do you communicate on email? Why not start? You could have shot her an email way in advance telling her you were looking forward to exactly that. What you told us. If she really wasn't going to be in the mood for that, she could have given you the heads up and it would have alleviated your hurt and disappointment. OR, it could have gotten her in the mood in advance while she was in a more rested stated mind, perhaps earlier in the day? Look at it as sort of like emotional foreplay in advance on email. Sets the mood, and communication is clear. ;-)


I find it odd that he picked her up at the Airport, assuming a big evening together, not having a clue about her plans.

Maybe she's just avoiding any level of emotional or physical contact for whatever reason.

I think everyone here is hurting - husband, wife, stepchild. There are no winners here.

I find it odd that he picked her up at the Airport, assuming a big evening together, not having a clue about her plans.

Maybe she's just avoiding any level of emotional or physical contact for whatever reason.

I think everyone here is hurting - husband, wife, stepchild. There are no winners here.

In today's day and age with so much "busyness" sometimes finding the time to talk can be a stretch between all of the demands with kids, work, family. While there certainly may be other concerns going on in his marriage, the email communication has worked very effectively for my husband and I. Besides... getting a "private" message from your spouse when you are perhaps in the middle of a busy day with colleagues can be very scintillating. It can add spice to perhaps a relationship that needs some pizzazz. Sometimes small family problems can seem larger than life and even insurmountable when partners are not having that important necessary time together. When those needs are met, communication can be improved and problems can be resolved in a more balanced viewpoint.
Sometimes my husband and I literally catch up on some things with our kids by shooting emails to each other. It works for us. Not saying it's the answer, but it is possibly one practical way he could attempt to start with.
In fact, he could shoot her an email now ;-)

What? Did you not post this: "Anyway, I've never really felt comfortable around our eldest in regards to hugs and cuddling because of how I was forced into the enforcer position as well as being well aware of the accusations that could be brought upon just by a child saying that a stepfather did something inappropriate. Have I ever, HELL no and would never but in this day and age a father figure can't be too careful so of course I have distanced myself from her since the start of the problems."

His wife somehow forced him to spank his stepdaughter to the point that CPS was called?

It can't be both ways. (And I'm a stepmother times 5 PLUS a stepgrandmother times 4. I know all about stepchild, stepgrandmother issues and family dynamics.)

When everything (lack of sex, lack of communication, lack of time together, one partner avoiding the other, one partner avoiding sexual and emotional contact) is blamed on everyone else - I have to wonder.

And, yes, my minor was Psychology.

Thanks Maddy, what happened is when we talked about the plans a week earlier she had mentioned that she wanted to pick the kids up that night. I told her that we wouldn't get home until midnight with all the running around and she agreed. The next time it was brought up she stated that she would just bring the kids home the next day. She didn't mention that she still planned on going to her parents so there were assumptions on both our parts which is part of better communication that is needed.

Judy, wow, don't even know where to start. I appreciate your experience and that you have a minor in psychology but seriously? Maybe I am reading too much into what you are "advising" but seriously, very harsh and inaccurate. Just because I stated that I've never been comfortable doesn't mean it never happened. Assumptions, hm...

I took a semester in psychology, not to be a jerk but what does that prove? I'm sorry if I am harsh but seriously, your post was not warranted and definitely not helpful. I never said I blamed everyone else for everything that I have concerns or issues with.

Hostility? Really? I guess I'll go back through my posts because I was pretty sure I didn't post any hostility but hey, you may be right and my wording my have gave you that impression.

Judy, wow, don't even know where to start. I appreciate your experience and that you have a minor in psychology but seriously, wtf? Maybe I am reading to much into what you are "advising" but seriously, very harsh and inaccurate. Just because I stated that I've never been comfortable doesn't mean it never happened. Assumptions, hm...

I took a semester in psychology, not to be a jerk but what does that prove? I'm sorry if I am harsh but seriously, your post was not warranted and definitely not helpful. I never said I blamed everyone else for everything that I have concerns or issues with.

Hostility? Really? I guess I'll go back through my posts because I was pretty sure I didn't post any hostility but hey, you may be right and my wording my have gave you that impression.


First, maybe you talk to people in person using "wtf." It's inappropriate and unnecessary and says a lot more about you than it says about me.

This is a board of opinions - you don't like the opinion (which apparently is the case when anyone disagrees with you), move on.

If my FACTS are incorrect, reddie me. If my OPINION is out of line, read the AMHD rules again.

I have no idea what this means in connection with being a loving stepfather: "... Just because I stated that I've never been comfortable doesn't mean it never happened." What?

All I know is your wife is avoiding contact, including sex, with you, goes to bed and falls asleep without you (and allows your child to sleep with you, a 100% guarantee that there will be no sexual contact) and ignores your "wants and needs," you don't have a relationship with your stepdaughter, you have in-law problems. My advice is based on those facts.

- And you are being a jerk by using the language you choose on a public site.

DsprtCfsd,
You're welcome :-) you sound like a very concerned husband and father who wants to improve on his relationships with his family and THAT is a good thing. :-) It is obvious you really love your family. Trust me on the email communication and try it. With so much busyness nowadays, sometimes we think we hear, or forget, or it just wasn't clear... Email allows for some clear communication when there is a quiet break in a busy day. Also, a "romantic message" that a woman receives from her husband CAN and usually WILL, be read and reread. Really. Try it ;-) and good luck :-)

First, maybe you talk to people in person using "wtf." It's inappropriate and unnecessary and says a lot more about you than it says about me.

This is a board of opinions - you don't like the opinion (which apparently is the case when anyone disagrees with you), move on.

If my FACTS are incorrect, reddie me. If my OPINION is out of line, read the AMHD rules again.

I have no idea what this means in connection with being a loving stepfather: "... Just because I stated that I've never been comfortable doesn't mean it never happened." What?

All I know is your wife is avoiding contact, including sex, with you, goes to bed and falls asleep without you (and allows your child to sleep with you, a 100% guarantee that there will be no sexual contact) and ignores your "wants and needs," you don't have a relationship with your stepdaughter, you have in-law problems. My advice is based on those facts.

- And you are being a jerk by using the language you choose on a public site.

I do appologize that my abbreviation offended you, seriously but please realize the way you seem to have read between the lines offend me as well. I have no ill will towards you and do appreciate the majority of the advise. As always, text is emotionless so I can understand in rereading some of the things I posted you would probably come to the conclusion that you did.

Just to clear it up, my wife has always been an early to bed early to rise kind of person. She gets up earlier than I do to go to work so she goes to sleep earlier than I do. We both agree that our intimacy life is suffering tramendously and has made the occasional comment "hopefully the kids go to sleep at a decent time tonight, wink wink" which my response is always "lord I truly hope so".

We've been to counseling twice before. First was a couple years after marriage after my son was born. She had some emotional problems because of the hormones and I was less than supportive. Although the therapist was a flop (he didn't say much in regards to our concerns and just handed us packets to go home and read) we resolved our issues. The second was a year or so ago in regards to pretty much the same thing I'm posting about now inclusing my daughter. For the most part the therapist was great but I did disagree with one thing and that was her opinion that at this point in her age I should just live with how our relationship is between my daughter and I. I don't accept that. Sorry, kids are out of control and my wife is cooking so it's my turn to take care of the kidos, I'll continue later ;)

I do appologize that my abbreviation offended you, seriously but please realize the way you seem to have read between the lines offend me as well.



Yes, I am offended by your language - and the "well, I didn't like your opinions so I'm offended, too" does not excuse it. Your "the Devil made me to it" or "you made me to it" defense does not work with me. This is in the same category with your statement that your wife somehow forced you to spank your stepchild to the extent that CPS got involved.

Is this the same language you use when exasperated with your wife and children?

Yes, I am offended by your language - and the "well, I didn't like your opinions so I'm offended, too" does not excuse it. Your "the Devil made me to it" or "you made me to it" defense does not work with me.

Is this the same language you use when exasperated with your wife and children?

No, I don't use that language with my wife and children. I could really care less if you accept my sincere apology or not and really don't expect you to apologize for your rudeness but I can tell that because of how I offended you that your opinion of me and my issues are skewed so I would appreciate it if you stopped.

By the way, you were rude and judgemental of me way before I even used that abbreviation so using that as an excuse is null and void.

No, I don't use that language with my wife and children. I could really care less if you accept my sincere apology or not and really don't expect you to apologize for your rudeness but I can tell that because of how I offended you that your opinion of me and my issues are skewed so I would appreciate it if you stopped.

By the way, you were rude and judgemental of me way before I even used that abbreviation so using that as an excuse is null and void.


Unless you're an Attorney (which I very highly doubt), don't even begin to argue "null and void" with me. You apparently don't understand the phrase.

Don't even attempt to dictate how your posts will be answered, not unless you're a Moderator.

You posted; I answered; you answered in a crude manner.

You can paint that any color you want - but who posted what is the deciding factor.

I also note I'm not posting about problems with my spouse, stepchildren and in-laws. CPS has never been called on me. Wonder what that means -

Please answer how your wife forced you to physically displine your stepdaughter to the point where the stepdaughter had bruises and you were reported to CPS.

How does that happen?

No, I don't use that language with my wife and children. I could really care less if you accept my sincere apology or not and really don't expect you to apologize for your rudeness but I can tell that because of how I offended you that your opinion of me and my issues are skewed so I would appreciate it if you stopped.

By the way, you were rude and judgemental of me way before I even used that abbreviation so using that as an excuse is null and void.

You come on this site ASK for help, then YOU get rude and dictate who can answer and what they can answer... Sorry, but if you had taken the time to read the terms of service you agreed to and the site rules you would have known this.

You get the advice you NEED to hear... not what you want to hear... if you only want a pat on the back... you go to your friends... you want unbiased advice you come here.

I didn't even participate in this thread and I'm offended by the way you disparage respected and knowledgeable members.

By the way, you were rude and judgemental of me way before I even used that abbreviation so using that as an excuse is null and void.

I'm going to step in here because I was incensed about this remark. First, I didn't see any rudeness from Judy, but I did see rudeness from you. As for being judgmental, isn't that what you are asking us to be? This question is all about asking our opinions of your situation. You are asking us to make judgments based on what you have told us. But when you don't like those judgments you complain and tell us our opinions are worthless. That is very rude.

You started here by expressing your appreciation for this site, but you end up criticizing members just because you don't like how they respond. That says to me that you may be intractable, self-centered, paranoid and controlling. So it doesn't surprise me that counseling failed.

I think this starts and ends with you. I think you built expectations of a romantic night with your wife in your mind WITHOUT EVER CONSULTING HER. So you became miffed when she didn't have the same feelings she did. So I agree you need to pursue individual counseling to get to understand yourself better before you can successfully use counselling to deal woth your issues with your wife.

Your problem is not so much your kids but you and your wife's relationship.
Not having sex in 3 months is not about the kids, cause if both of you want to have sex you will find a why to have it.
You two can talk to someone about how to get your child to bed at night, but you two need to decide whether you want to continue your present relationship or work on your marriage.
You might also try to deal with the problem between you and your stepdaughter. Both parents ought to be on the same page and there is no reason she cannot babysit every now and then, but that is not going to happen if you and the step daughter have issues.

I apologized for what Judy was offended by and I did go back through and read through all of the responses and I agree I was being rude. Not going to make excuses for my responses, I was wrong.

I'll try to answer the questions that were all in this post to help clear things up. We do talk about our sex life, or the lack there of. We both agree that there is a problem and we both need to try harder to make time.

I didn't drive to her parents because I made the decision to not have to get up even earlier in the morning and drive an hour and 40 minutes to work the next day. That was my decision, I accept that.

The assumption from our previous conversation that she wasn't going to her parents that night was mine. I misunderstood what she meant. When she told me she was going to bring the kids home the next day I took that as she was going to come home and pick up the kids the next day. Another example of where we (or I) can improve in communicating.

Still not sure where the anger comment came from. That was not my intention in my initial post. I only mentioned the biological father was incarcerated to convey that he has been out of her life, her whole life so far. I didn't intend offense. My wife has been very open with our daughter about where she came from and who her biological father is so yes, she has known for quite some time.

Mother in-law has been an issue in the past but our relationship has gotten better over the time of my wife and I's marriage. My daughter and I's problems, well I am/do try to work on them and no, I don't blame her for where we are today.

When I posted that I have never really “felt comfortable around our eldest…” I didn't mean that I haven't shown affection. It just has been hard for me, I don't know why. My previous excuse is just that, an excuse to hide behind. I know that, it's hard for me and I am very sensitive about how I have failed her over these years.

My wife didn't force me to spank our daughter. Our daughter was being outrageously disrespectful to my wife and I of course was upset. I can handle her being disrespectful to me, it hurts but I handle it. I told my wife that she needs a spanking if she's talking to her that way and in return my wife told me to go right ahead and spank her. I did just that, spanked. Do I regret it, yes and not because CPS got involved. I treated her like the little child that she was acting like instead of treating her as a tween as she should have been treated. Just another mistake in my involvement in raising our daughter, chalk up another regret.

The only thing bruised and hurt was her pride which is exactly why she told one of her teachers. As I was told by CPS, it is the teacher's legal responsibility to report any claim to CPS no matter what. As I said earlier, there were no bruises, CPS did come by and talked to us, and they found the report as inconclusive and dismissed it

Judy I only asked you to take it private messages because I didn't want a bunch of argument to litter the thread. I understand if working out our differences is not possible, I've offended you and you are upset, rightfully so.

Sorry, good night, and thank you everyone for your advice. Even if I don't agree, it all has been very insightful.

Sorry, good night, and thank you everyone for your advice. Even if I don’t agree, it all has been very insightful.

This is how we work here. We give the best advice we can based on what we are told coupled with our own knowledge and experience. We often have to read between the lines and sometimes our responses are not what the OP was looking for or expecting. But that's part of the value of this site. We hold up a mirror that lets OPs see themselves as others see them. And that can be "insightful" and helpful, if that view is listened to.

Got any guy friends, that you can go fishing with,or pal around with? At some point you have to remove yourself from the problem, and let you hair down so the brain can reboot. The emotional dust has to settle, the stress has to be relieved.

That's what most guys do when you have a second female in your house smelling herself and exerting that kind of power. Your wife is a wimp, and you are her enabler. Step aside and let those two battle for woman of the house, may the best female win.

Maybe a few days in the woods will grow some hair on your chest, and you take your house back from them both. I have just never heard of a teen ager telling the parents what she will and won't do, and maybe you both need some parenting skills guidance.

Sorry to be harsh here friend, but your behavior is unacceptable, in light of your total lack of control over YOUR house. Now go fishing for 3 days and gain peace, and start saying what you mean, and mean what you say, and let them both be PO"d for a while. You don't spank a 15 year old, you slowly remove things she cherishes the most until she figures out you mean real business.

May take a while, but you do have plenty of time to get your meaning across to your woman of so many years. I mean if the king of the castle ain't happy, why is everyone else not making him happy? Get out of the house and take some YOU time. You would be surprised at how that gesture you make for yourself will change your thinking. Bet you don't even have a man cave do you?

Thanks talaniman, the insight and advise is appreciated. I can definitely agree on the woods or fishing with friends. I could use some spin down time with friends. My alone time with friends is less frequent than my date nights with the wife. In a coyple months rifle deer season starts here and for once in 10the years I'm taking a full week away from civilization with my dad, brother and brother in-law. I hope the time away will do my wife, kids and I some good.

Not that it makes the incident better but she was 12 at the time. I have more recently stepped back and had my wife deal with the teen issues. I'll just have ro take another couple steps and see how my wife fares.

I apologize, I'm answering this on my phone so I'll continue my comments when I get back home. Me, my son and my youngest daughter were banished from the house today because our eldest's 15 is actually today and she's having a huge sleep over. To many kids in my house for me not to go crazy so I'm fine spending a night away :)

Don't let resentments screw with your attitude and even good kids can be rather trying. Hate to say it but you are just getting started good. The others kids will be teens before you know it.

Don't let resentments screw with your attitude and even good kids can be rather trying. Hate to say it but you are just getting started good. The others kids will be teens before you know it.

Honestly my attitude at home has improved 10 fold since coming to this site. The insight that is offered in my thread and others that are similar to what I am experiencing has helped tremendously. Even some of the advice I had gotten that seemed offensive initially has me looking at things sideways and opened my eyes to certain things so everyone has been very helpful.

My wife and I have a date night this coming weekend at a seafood restaurant that I have been wanting to take her to for awhile now to celebrate our 8th anniversary. We're both so excited you would think we were going on our first date.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you for the insight, opening my eyes, advice, whatever.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you for the insight, opening my eyes, advice, whatever.

Aww, let us know how it goes.

Honestly my attitude at home has improved 10 fold since coming to this site. The insight that is offered in my thread and others that are similar to what I am experiencing has helped tremendously. Even some of the advice I had gotten that seemed offensive initially has me looking at things sideways and opened my eyes to certain things so everyone has been very helpful.

My wife and I have a date night this coming weekend at a seafood restaurant that I have been wanting to take her to for awhile now to celebrate our 8th anniversary. We're both so excited you would think we were going on our first date.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you for the insight, opening my eyes, advice, whatever.


In a way you ARE going on your first date - this is really great news.

Let us know!

A lot of people come on here, don't like the advice, only want to hear their own voice, argue and protest, stomp off, stomp back. You are truly the exception - you sorted through, listened and understood (sometimes it takes a couple of times before you know where people are coming from), "manned" up. I give you a LOT of credit. I truly do.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you for the insight, opening my eyes, advice, whatever.

Like I said before, you seemed more lost than anything else. I am glad you finding your way. I hope your night out goes great.

Best wishes to you and your wife on your Anniversary. May it be the start of a great year. :)

In a way you ARE going on your first date - this is really great news.

Let us know!

A lot of people come on here, don't like the advice, only want to hear their own voice, argue and protest, stomp off, stomp back. You are truly the exception - you sorted through, listened and understood (sometimes it takes a couple of times before you know where people are coming from), "manned" up. I give you a LOT of credit. I truly do.

Thank you, I truly appreciate it. You honestly brought a happy tear to my eye seeing this considering how rude I was to you before. Thank you Judy.

Cat, it's you and all the others on this sight that have been my guiding light to bring me back (so to say) and I definitely appreciate it.

I will definitely continue to update everyone to the progress that I make no matter my relationship with my wife or our eldest. Even though I do have some friends to confide in, sometimes you need that knock upside the head to understand what is or isn't being done the right way. Thank you. Love too all.

Thank you, I truly appreciate it. You honestly brought a happy tear to my eye seeing this considering how rude I was to you before. Thank you Judy.

Cat, it's you and all the others on this sight that have been my guiding light to bring me back (so to say) and I definitely appreciate it.

I will definitely continue to update everyone to the progress that I make no matter my relationship with my wife or our eldest. Even though I do have some friends to confide in, sometimes you need that knock upside the head to understand what is or isn't being done the right way. Thank you. Love too all.


You know, there is sort of an alliance here, a friendship - it's nice to have "on line" friends.

Welcome to the pack.

I apologize, it's been an extremely busy week so far at work and home. Well we ended up going to Joe's Crabshack that had just opened in our area a couple months ago instead of the other seafood place I was planning (you ask the local big guy at work what the best food places are and he won't lead you astray). After an hour and 20 minute wait we had a great time and great food. My wife loved the crab so much!

>Picture removed for privacy and security<

I apologize if this against the rules but here's a great pic that a waitress took on our night out.

I apologize, it's been an extremely busy week so far at work and home. Well we ended up going to Joe's Crabshack that had just opened in our area a couple months ago instead of the other seafood place I was planning (you ask the local big guy at work what the best food places are and he won't lead you astray). After an hour and 20 minute wait we had a great time and great food. My wife loved the crab so much!

>Picture removed for privacy and security<

I apologize if this against the rules but here's a great pic that a waitress took on our night out.

It sounds like you had a great time together. Congratulations!