Entire story merged

I'm 24 years old never married and had only a few relationships. I moved to Las Vegas almost 2 years ago on a pipe dream to be a professional poker player leaving behind my house, job and moved to a place where I didn't know anybody and had no family (I question this decision everyday).

I knew (we'll call him joe) from online poker, it happened that him and his family (wife and 3 kids) also had just moved here. Joe is a very successful business person, he makes a lot of money and their lifestyle reflects it. Joe and his wife have separate bank accounts and she takes care of all the bills, she receives at least 10k a month for bills and allowance for her and kids. Joe and I became "friends" I actually ended up working for him for a little while, and I would help him out running the kids around and doing things for him. I would frequently be at his hose playing with kids watching TV basically hanging out and in the process I became very close to his family, this went on for a little over a year.

One weekend back in September his wife called me (I'll call her Jane), Jane said that Joe was going away for the weekend and was taking the kids with him and asked if I would come "babysit" her. I had become very close to the family at this point and knew that Jane was very unhappy with her marriage at least from what Joe told me. While Joe was very successful in business he was a horrible father and even worse husband, paying little attention to his family, most nights he would sit in front of a computer down stairs playing poker while the rest of us were upstairs having fun. Knowing this I suspected that she was probably feeling very lonely and while I said I would come over I made sure to call Joe to let him know that I would be over with Jane.

Joe's response when I told him about Jane calling me wasn't what I was hoping for, he told me she's probably looking to get laid and that he doesn't care what happens. I told Joe he didn't have anything to worry about to which he replied "I don't care anyway"

I meant what I said but all the things Joe had been telling me about Jane I started to doubt and instead started to see Joe for who he really was. I went over to Jane's house and she told me that Joe hand sent her an email the night before he left (so while he was still there he sends her an email) that said that I called him and she's "allowed" to go get laid by anyone as long as its not someone he works with meaning me, he then went on in this email to say that while I'm an OK kid he just needed someone to run errands and to talk poker with and he didn't consider me a friend. He also went on to say that the thought of her and I sleeping together was disgusting blah blah blah. After reading this email my entire thought process changed.

Jane and I went out that night and had a great time, I had been around her for a year, so we already knew a lot about each other but our conversations became more personal and I became deeply attracted to her. While we were out I began to touch her, placing my arm around her waist and rubbing her back at one point I felt her quiver and she said that no ones touched her like that in a long time.

That night nothing happened, I slept on the couch downstairs and she slept in her bed, the next day however the affair started. We went out again but this time on the car ride back home she started kissing me very heavy and I was very weak at that moment, and it happened.

Joe never found out and during the next month Jane and I slept together all the time, we told each other how much we loved each other, how I made her more happy then she's ever been that it's the best sex she ever had, that she wanted to leave Joe for me and more. The next month Joe took a new Job in Texas, I have family in Texas so I decided that I would move too, the only catch was Joe was moving right away but Jane and the kids were going to stay until the school year was over this June. Since my lease was up on my apartment and I wanted to get closer to Jane I asked her if I could move in until we moved, she eventually said yes but that she was afraid that we might get too close, this is where it starts going down hill.

For the next couple of months I fell more in love with Jane, I wanted to be with her for ever, we were already living together sleeping in the same bed every night, the oldest girl (16 year old) child knew about the affair the 2 younger ones (10 year old boy and 12 year old girl) did not. I loved the kids and understood that I could never replace her father and Joe would always be a part of their lives. What I didn't expect was Jane's lack of commitment, she would not let go of Joe. I think this mainly had to do with money because she would always talk about losing everything and I certainly did not make enough for what she was used to. During this time Joe did not know what was going on, she would never tell him.

The first time Joe came home for a visit and they slept together, I cried like a baby it was the most painful thing I ever had to deal with, Him and Her in the same bed while I was sleeping on the sleeper couch (this is where Joe thought I slept all the time). Every time he was around I took a backseat and everything stooped, it hurt so bad that even thinking and writing this is making my stomach curl, I can't describe how painful this felt. During this period after Joe left from his visits, we would always makeup and the pain would go away, but that's when the arguments would start, Jane said she needed time and she needed to get her ducks in a row before leaving even though it had been months.

I finally couldn't take the pain and the fighting anymore, I still loved Jane more then anything but I didn't feel like I could take the pain anymore because I might end up doing something that would end it (happened anyway) so I moved out, we were still going to see each other, but slow down and almost start over. What I didn't realize was that just because I wasn't living with her didn't mean the pain would stop. The first week I moved out I wanted to give her some space so I didn't call or text her (we would text 40 times a day) ignoring her and not calling her that week besides being very difficult was probably a mistake because by the end of the week she sent me some texts that said things from "why won't you talk to me I need you" to "I guess this is goodbye, you've given me so much I can never repay you, I will always love you" and also " you and your game"

The Saturday after I moved out (5 days) we finally talked and had an argument about my ignoring her but we both really wanted to see each other very bad. She was going to come see me and I was sooo excited to be seeing her again, I can't tell you how much I wanted to see her but when Joe made a surprise visit and made plans to take her out I lost it. I told Jane to tell Joe how she felt or I would.

She told Joe that I fell in love with her and that she threw me out. She basically played the victim and blamed me for everything, Joe as it turns out had her cell phone records and was going to ask her about all the talking anyway.

Joe sent me a very nasty email cursing me out, telling me never to talk to anyone in his family again etc...

I saw Jane that Monday to give her back keys and garage opener and she brought my mail etc... we talked for a few hours while her daughter was at dance, she wouldn't let me touch her, I was in so much pain, I felt betrayed but yet at the same time still so much in love with her, it hurts so much!!

Later that week Joe found an email in Jane's account that let him know that Jane and I had in fact slept together, and Joe sent out another email saying F*** Jane and me that I saved him 100k a year and gave him custody blah blah.

I talked to Jane after that email Joe sent and she said she never wanted to talk to me again, that I ruined her life and that I hope I was happy. She said she's still moving to Texas so her kids can be close to their father, and she's going to work on fixing the relationship with her husband if there's anything to be fixed. This all happened several weeks ago and I can't stop thinking about her. I truly loved her with everything I had. I came to the conclusion that I'm not responsible for what happens to her now that I didn't hold a gun to her head and force her to do anything, but I can't stop thinking about her.

How can someone treat love like this?
How can someone play with another persons heart like it's a toy, saying that what to be with them but then stab them in the back?
Was she just trying to have her cake and eat it to?
I want to call and talk to her so bad, I should probably feel angry but I guess I still love her, I know just because I love her doesn't mean she feels the same way.

I just don't understand how someone can do this to another person, and I can't understand why I feel so much pain and miss her so much when I think about her?
The thoughts of her are going away little by little, I am keeping myself busy, I work full time and volunteer for the red cross where I see people that lose everything in a fire and make my problems insignificant, but every time something reminds me of her It hurts so deep. I just found a bunch of pictures her kids had put on my computer while I was living there (none of me) and seeing her brought out so much sadness in me, which is why I'm writing this. I feel so alone when I think about her, I can't think of the times we had as happy, I think of them and times I'll never have again.

I just want to know why?

However poorly committed she was to the marriage and however unhappy things were apparently on both sides, she's made a choice.

Having kids is a big deal. If she decides that its best to be near the father for the kids (and I agree when its possible) that's her choice.

Seeking out help for a bad marriage is a responsible thing to do.

Look... EVERYBODY is at fault here, and you not going to get a lot of compassion from me. She was married. You chose to cross some lines.

There are no guarantees ever, whether the person is married or not. When they are married with kids, its even harder.

Was she in the right? Probably not. Some might say maybe. Was she being treated well by her husband? no.

But most of us has lost a big love in our life. It sucks. It hurts. You put one foot in front of the other. The past is the past.

She's gone. You need to know that, believe it. Move on. You are keeping yourself emotionally tied. I know, its hard to move on.

Learn from your lesson. You got caught up in a bad situation. You know it was a bad idea. You kept going back. Your bad choices.

Don't make them again. Find a better love. There is much better out there.

A couple things jumped out at me. You stated that before this woman you didn't have much experience with women and your still reatively young so young so you don't have life experience to fall back on. The woman you dealt with was very emotionally smart and calculating. I can tell you just from reading what you wrote that you weren't the first affair she's had. You might have been the first that got caught but she's cheated on her husband from the beginning. She told you all the right things to keep you right where she needed you. You just happened to be young and easily controlable through your emotions because you're an emotional guy combined with a lack of experience and he excitement of an older experienced woman. When I was 20 I dated a woman that was much older than me and I thought I was one cloud nine to pull in a older woman. I'm sure she thought the same about pulling in a younger guy. But yours was married and she's never giving that up, and it's certain she's not when kids are involved.

She was doing what she had to do to keep her home, kids, and husband, and you on the side. You walked in not knowing a thing, and got caught up in their game. I hope you learned about how people operate, and paying the price for not having boundaries. Chalk it up as a good learning experience.

She was weak.

You were weak.

But that's the human condiition.

AND it is a country mile between hooking up with a married woman and being in a committed relationship. 9 out of 10 relationships that start with deceit will end in deceit and pain. Your gambling side got the best of you - and to use a poker metaphor: sometimes when you push "ALL IN" you may not have the best hand. But you should put the odds at least as best in your favor as you can! (And you didn't quite do that here.)

Sorry man. We're all human and I know it hurts.

Be glad it didn't end a lot worse... It could have!

Go try a safe relationship next time and wait until you have a straight flush or the equivalent.

She was weak.

You were weak.

But that's the human condiition.

AND it is a country mile between hooking up with a married woman and being in a commited relationship. 9 out of 10 relationships that start out with deceit will end in deceit and pain. Your gambling side got the best of you - and to use a poker metaphor: sometimes when you push "ALL IN" you may not have the best hand. But you should put the odds at least as best in your favor as you can! (And you didn't quite do that here.)

Sorry man. We're all human and I know it hurts.

Be glad it didn't end a lot worse....It could have!

Go try a safe relationship next time and wait til you have a straight flush or the equivalent.


Thanks everyone! I feel a lot better, the other night was pretty rough for me. It's amazing how hearing from people you've never met before who share their thoughts can change your outlook on things, Thanks!!

The relationship I was in (you can read about it in my other question) ended a month and a half ago, I'm really trying to move on, I'm not contacting her although I think about doing that all the time, I'm keeping myself busy working and working for the Red Cross and most of the pain I've been feeling has passed although memories still come up in my head and for a while it still hurts. But now I can't seem to stop thinking about what's going on in her head, does she feel bad? Is she mad? What was her reasoning for what she did?

I know thinking about these things is pointless because I'm probably never going to get the answers I'm looking for, I was just wondering if anyone else is having the same problems or anyone that has some tips for getting those thoughts out of your head?

Hey, just over a month for me to. Hurts all the time, people will think your over it and you won't be.

I find concentrating on things like the sports I do, friends, films, sports and gym, holidays, reading etc helps. Before I know it I am not thinking of my ex anymore and it's the weirdiest feeling as I think about it again, its like WOW no thinking of the ex for a number of minutes.

Over time though it will get better and better and before you know it - you will be only thinking of it once a day and then once a week etc...

The relationship I was in (you can read about it in my other question) ended a month and a half ago, I'm really trying to move on, I'm not contacting her although I think about doing that all the time, I'm keeping myself busy working and working for the Red Cross and most of the pain I've been feeling has passed although memories still come up in my head and for a while it still hurts. But now I can't seem to stop thinking about what's going on in her head, does she feel bad? Is she mad? What was her reasoning for what she did?

I know thinking about these things is pointless because I'm probably never going to get the answers I'm looking for, I was just wondering if anyone else is having the same problems or anyone that has some tips for getting those thoughts out of your head?
I am going through the same thing and it is hard because as busy as you stay you still get those memories of when everything was perfect... my question for you being that I have not read your other questions is what caused the breakup..

You got played by older more experienced people and no doubt you were not the first so now you know those kind of users and abusers exist, watch yourself a lot better. You will never get answers from these kinds of people, so let time heal the hurt and make you that much wiser.

The truth is users and cheaters never care. They only care about themselves and that is evident with the skank, and make no mistake, she was a skank that you hooked up with. She used you. I've been used to and I know it sucks but the first thing you have to do is accept it. Pretending otherwise only prolongs the pain and it starts you on a bad path of lying to yourself for her actions.

Since my breakup the evenings have been pretty rough, we used to be together all the time, now the evenings are very lonely, I hang out with friends and am busy during the day but the evenings are when we used to read together or talk about things and I guess I’m missing that. Any tips to get past it or is it something I’ll just have to deal with until I find the right person?

Why not do something that you like in the evenings. For example: sign up for a study course, get into some martial arts. Or just sign up in a gym and do some work outs. There are so many different things you can also do with yourself in the evenings.

Watching television, spending time on the internet. Get some new interesting books that will keep you reading.

Joe

Yeah, finding a new hobby or activity is a great way to get your mind off the fact that your evenings won't be the same anymore, try planning a party with friends on a night where you and your significant other usually spent the night together, like is Saturday night was always "your night" make plans to have friends over late the next few saturdays.

Why not do something that you like in the evenings. For example: sign up for a study course, get into some martial arts. Or just sign up in a gym and do some work outs. There are so many different things you can also do with yourself in the evenings.

Watching television, spending time on the internet. Get some new interesting books that will keep you reading.

Joe


I actually have a gym membership that I've only used a couple of times, maybe I'll start doing that. I gues doing things by myself is what's so tough right now.

I imagine this is a lot like trying to quit smoking; I’ll get these strong cravings to contact my ex when I know I shouldn’t even be thinking about her. I try to convince myself that she’s feeling the same way I am and picture her sitting by the phone waiting for me to call when in fact I’m probably the last thing on her mind. Anyone else having to deal with this or any advice?

Honestly, you think she is waiting by the phone. When most likely she is already hanging out with somebody else. You need to stop picturing her doing the same thing as you because that is you thinking and hoping there is a chanch of going back together. The only advice which you have already received is keep yourself busy. Do things that improve on yourself and eventually things will get easier.

Joe may disagree with me here,

But even if she is out hanging out with someone else, I don't think that means you need to assume she isn't thinking about you. Im sure it is just as hard for her as it is for you, though that doesn't mean you should build false hopes. I think that knowing its hard for her will make it easier for you to cope with how hard it is for you.

Trust me, the easiest thing to do is NOT always the right thing to do. In this case, just be strong, do something else. The urge will pass, trust me. Ive been there, if you can keep busy for just long enough, the urge will go away... until next time. Then just repeat

Good luck man

wontbez,

Im not sure how big into music you are, but I know music was a huge part of my life. Dealing with the same stuff you are now, I found the gym to be a HUGE help. Along with the gym, its nice to have some good music to listen to.

Im sure music is a bigger deal to me than most, but it may help. Give it a shot. Its not always easy to be with other people when you feel like you just want to be alone. When I get like that, some good music and a nice workout not only help keep you busy, it will help you feel better about yourself, and help you sleep at night, if that's a tough time for you (I know it is for me).

Hope this helps a little

wontbez,

Im not sure how big into music you are, but I know music was a huge part of my life. Dealing with the same stuff you are now, I found the gym to be a HUGE help. Along with the gym, its nice to have some good music to listen to.

Im sure music is a bigger deal to me than most, but it may help. Give it a shot. Its not always easy to be with other people when you feel like you just want to be alone. When i get like that, some good music and a nice workout not only help keep you busy, it will help you feel better about yourself, and help you sleep at night, if thats a tough time for you (i know it is for me).

Hope this helps a little

It does, thanks!

Sometimes doing something for others helps a lot too - volunteering somewhere!

Since my breakup the evenings have been pretty rough, we used to be together all the time, now the evenings are very lonely, I hang out with friends and am busy during the day but the evenings are when we used to read together or talk about things and I guess I’m missing that. Any tips to get past it or is it something I’ll just have to deal with until I find the right person?
Music and working out worked for me.

Since my breakup the evenings have been pretty rough, we used to be together all the time, now the evenings are very lonely, I hang out with friends and am busy during the day but the evenings are when we used to read together or talk about things and I guess I’m missing that. Any tips to get past it or is it something I’ll just have to deal with until I find the right person?
Babe everything is going to be OK.. I know it doesn't feel like it now but in time you will get used to your own company again.. try and love yourself and spending time with yourself again... every cloud has a silver lining and before you know it the sun will shine again in your life... don't worry babe.. everything happens for a areason and it will make you stronger.. be gentle with yourself and just feed your soul with encouraging positive books.. the power of positive thinking by neile peck changed my life..
Love and hugs

Neile vincent peck..

babe everything is going to be ok .. i know it doesnt feel like it now but in time u will get used to ur own company again .. try and love urself and spending time with urself again ... every cloud has a silver lining and before u know it the sun will shine again in ur life... dont worry babe.. everything happens for a areason and it will make u stronger .. be gentle with urself and jsut feed ur soul with encouraging positive books.. the power of positive thinking by neile peck changed my life..
love and hugs


Thanks for your kind words!

I find myself doing this during the day, I'll go over a speech in my head that I would say to my EX if I were to talk to her, each time it's a different topic but mostly relating to the breakup. I usually end up trying to prove a point to myself and the whole thing ends up being silly. I don't think this kind of inner diallage is very helpful and I keep having to remind myself that I have better things to think about.

Just curious if anyone else is having the same problem and anything they've done to help?

Thanks!

I've done the same thing MANY times... It doesn't really serve a purpose except for to hold you back. You can do many other things with your time, I'm guessing.

Yet it's not something you can stop... Especially if you really cared about the person. If it makes you feel better, by breaking up and not talking to you they really think they are doing you a favor - that shows they care, at least to an extent, doesn't it? You'll move on with time, my friend. I have the utmost confidence and hopes for your endeavors!

I've done the same thing MANY times... It doesn't really serve a purpose except for to hold you back. You can do many other things with your time, I'm guessing.

Yet it's not something you can stop... Especially if you really cared about the person. If it makes you feel better, by breaking up and not talking to you they really think they are doing you a favor - that shows they care, at least to an extent, doesn't it? You'll move on with time, my friend. I have the utmost confidence and hopes for your endeavors!


Thank you! And best of luck to you as well

I've done this, I think I did it because I was very angry at my ex and instead of starting an argument with him that I knew would go nowhere, I rehearsed it in the car and I usually felt better by the time I was done. I think people do this to release some of their angers, even though it may look silly and crazy, it's a way to cope with things that are out of our control.

This was dumb on my part, I should have never typed her name in the search. I know she loves to write poems (it's just one of the many things I came to love) so I typed her name in the search and found this one she wrote. poem she wrote (http://www.poetry.com/voteforme/poemvote1.asp?PID=8931314)

The seven letters are the seven emails I sent after the S*** hit the fan. I really don't know what to make of all this, reading this brings back a lot of pain that I was just starting to get behind me. I can only assume that she did love me but it wasn't enough and she needed to be with the person that was more secure financially?

She's going to get her distance though, I'm moving to Maryland next month so we'll be many thousands of miles apart. But this poem really has given me mixed emotions. What do you all think?

I'm thinking about writing her and telling her that I'm moving away and I won't dismiss her and she will always be in my heart as well... Any good?

Don't jump into conclusion that fast... maybe that is just one trait of her ideal man... you, too, for sure has ideal woman... right?. take it easy... she might be your destiny... besides.. it's just money... you can fulfill her dreams... if you really love her... Good Luck!

So I was doing good, I haven't had any communication with my Ex in over a month. Then yesterday I find this poem she recently wrote about me and I find out that she took the family to Texas for Spring break which is where the kids father live and who she chose over me. I found out where they went by reading one of the kids myspace page (yes I must be a gluten for pain by doing things like that)

When I saw all of this all those jealous feelings came back and I started thinking about some elaborate way of contacting her. I'm so tired of having to talk myself out of having anything more to do with her AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

I'm moving to the other side of the country next month, I'll be close to family and maybe it will get easier. For now I've managed to talk myself out of contacting her I just don't know if I could handle her saying something horrible right now and I'ts probably an 80% chance that that's exactly what would happen and then I'd be right back where I started.

What is it about people that they know someone isn't right for them but yet they can't seem to let go? Maybe I just need a hug :)

Some where in your post you forgot about this...


So I was doing good, I haven't had any communication with my Ex in over a month.

So you had an emotional relapse ( I just made that phrase up, I think I'm going to use it more often) that's okay. You've got to give yourself some credit. Your focused is on the poem and myspace page when it should be on the month you did without her. For that I say congratulations. That's progress and that's where you should put your focus. So now you've had that emotional relapse accept it and tell yourself that you can move on another month. Funny thing is, in another month it will be easier to not go back and look at myspace or reading the poems. In fact throw the poem out and if their still friends, remove them from myspace. Other than that be proud of yourself that you went a month, and do it again.

You will have to go out and meet someone new and make yourself some new memories. Just tell yourself that it is not your fault. If you feel that you did nothing wrong to end the relationship then it was all her fault so therefore it is her lost. Move on! Live and be happy!

I wrote this letter tonight, it came straight from the heart. What do you guys think?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was doing some packing (moving to Maryland next month), I found a picture of you and it completely took my breath away, you're absolutely beautiful! I don't think I'll ever understand why some things happen, but I'll always know that for the time we had I was the luckiest man in the world.

I told my therapist I was thinking about letting you know I was moving. He warned me that your response be it loving or hateful would probably bring up a lot of pain and sadness that I'm just starting to put behind me. I've been through just about every emotional stage these past few months from Jealousy to sadness to anger and finally peace, so he's probably right in that I'm still a little emotionally unstable (aren't we all). This email isn't designed to induce a response but I've turned off my filter so I'll be getting your emails, I decided either way I'm at a point now where I know I'll be able to handle it.

I bet If you saw me standing next to a busy intersection you'd probably want to push me in, can't say I'd blame you. I've apologized 1000 times for that night, to you and anyone that will listen, I'm so sorry. I'd also like to apologize for the things that happened after that night up until the last email I sent, what a nightmare of events for everyone involved and I'm very very sorry. My therapist convinced me and I believe that as long as you're still married we probably wouldn't be able to have any type of friendship, which is why I sent you the last email. I realized though that it doesn't mean I have to see you as my enemy and if you ever need to just talk I'll always be there to listen, judgment free.

With all that said, there are a few house keeping items I wanted to go over:

I think my ----- was shipped to your house. I'm sorry about that, I didn't change the address because I thought I had canceled it but it appears I scheduled the shipments every 16 weeks, so it should have been recently. If it does arrive please keep it for Dee, it's no big deal.

I believe I left my poker chips in the closet downstairs. You can give them to Justin, I'm sure he'd like them.

I know I owe you about 3k. I promise that even if it takes me 10 years I will pay you back.

I don't have my new Maryland number yet, but I'll try to remember to send you another email when I get it in case you ever want to call me.

I hope the kids are doing great I've missed them a lot. I hope the dogs are doing just OK, I don't miss them as much :) maybe just druango!


Sincerely
--------

You wrote it now tear it up and don't send it. An do not give him your new number after you move. Its for the best you just disappear from his life. Forget the money the dogs and the kids. Don't be a glutton for more misery and pain.

I agree with talaniman, this move should be a new beginning for you, a new chapter in your life, a chance to leave it all behind. I completely understand you wanting to hold onto that sliver of hope that everything will turn out in the end, but using this move as an excuse to get in touch just shows that you are not ready for that.

Use the move as a platform to start the rest of your life. The letter was a good idea, to get it out of your system, but there's no reason for your ex to read it. Delete it.

I hope you consider what we're saying. Good luck!

I agree with talaniman, this move should be a new beginning for you, a new chapter in your life, a chance to leave it all behind. I completely understand you wanting to hold onto that sliver of hope that everything will turn out in the end, but using this move as an excuse to get in touch just shows that you are not ready for that.

Use the move as a platform to start the rest of your life. The letter was a good idea, to get it out of your system, but there's no reason for your ex to read it. Delete it.


I hope you consider what we're saying. Good luck!


I do, thank you. After sleeping on it I'm not going to send it. It was my emotional side that led me to write it, and it was my logical side that said post it here instead of sending it to her. I'm going to start listening to my logical side a bit more.

Thanks!

I'm pretty happy with myself, it's been very hard at times and the temptation has almost gotten to me.

Now that it's been 2 months which I'll agree isn't all that long, I'm at a point where if I contact her I don't think I'd expect anything from her in return. I'm not 100% on this but probably 90%

My question is, since I'm the type of person that hates to leave bridges burned and right now it's going up in smoke, I'd like to send her a note that lets her know I'm moving on but I don't hate her and in the future perhaps we could be friends. What do you think?

Thanks!

That sounds like a question that only you can answer...

You're the only one that knows how you feel inside, and knows how you will react to whatever happens.

If think you can contact her, with no expectations of anything in return, I don't see any reason not to. Just be prepared for anything that may happen. Im sure after that progress, the last thing you want is to regress...

Great if you can really be friends do this if not don't do it and move on. I f you contact her old feelings will return and you will be back at the beginning. Its hard to move on and even though you think you may be ready well sometimes your just not ready and maybe you need to leave it a bit longer. Or give her a friendly call and ask her how she has bee. But if she has a new guy will you be able o handle that. Are you really ready and have you been seeing other girls and feeling good about yourself. Its been 7 weeks for me and I am still not over it I am depressed and upset on a daily bases and always wondring what could have been. I don't know how long it will take me to move on but at the moment I'm struggling to come to terms with the loss after 3 1/2 years its been a huge part of my life and at the moment I don't know what will becpome of my life I had it so planned and seemed so fine. My ex is seeing no one just wanted a break and well its over with us now. Was a perfect relationship that she just couldn't make up her miond how she felt. Well you have to decide if your ready sometimes you just can't be friends I will never be able to be friends with my ex I just think about her too much and just can't go there.

That's great that you're moving on and everything, but if you send her a note or anything saying "oh how are you? I'm great, I've moved on and I don't hate you" it sounds like you haven't moved on. Why don't you say "hey lets have lunch sometime" and whatever you do, DO NOT mention breaking up or the past relationship the two of you had. Go on as friends. Actlike you guys are friends, have a good time, enjoy yourself. And if something happens then that's great, if nothing happens, that's okay too at least that way there is no "burning bridge" right?

Thats great that you're moving on and everything, but if you send her a note or anything saying "oh how are you? I'm great, I've moved on and I don't hate you" it sounds like you haven't moved on. Why don't you say "hey lets have lunch sometime" and whatever you do, DO NOT mention breaking up or the past relationship the two of you had. Go on as friends. Actlike you guys are friends, have a good time, enjoy yourself. And if something happens then thats great, if nothing happens, thats okay too atleast that way there is no "burning bridge" right?


I really am moving on though, I'm literally moving to a different state across the country in a week. (not because of her, I'm going back to school) You make a good point about sounding like I haven't moved on and I've thought about asking her to go out for drinks or something but I know it would be to awkward, I guess it just hasn't been long enough yet. Thanks!

I think you should just leave well enough alone. She will know by the lack of contact that you are moving on. As for being friends, I think it's too early.

Contacting her could open things up for you... but it could also stir up feelings in her that are strong, yet meaningless, at the same time. Why tempt fate? If it's over - let it be over.

Didi

First of, that's very good to hear you're moving on! Good for you! :D And the note thing, that's all up to you honey.


You can only answer that question for yourself. But whatever happens, best of luck!

Having been where you're at before, I wouldn't even bother just yet. The two month mark was like the kiss of death for me, I felt like a million bucks, called her, then the whole process started over again. Your potential friendship with her isn't based on how soon you re-initiate contact, it's based on your ability to move on, which I'd say isn't as good as you think it is right now, mine wasn't.

Having been where you're at before, i wouldn't even bother just yet. The two month mark was like the kiss of death for me, i felt like a million bucks, called her, then the whole process started over again. Your potential friendship with her isn't based on how soon you re-initiate contact, it's based on your ability to move on, which i'd say isn't as good as you think it is right now, mine wasn't.


Thanks, I decided not to contact her yet. After thinking about it there is no real benefit to me by doing so. She knows how I feel and how to contact me, so there's really no need to bring up old feelings. I know we'll both do very well one way or another and I'm not going to mess with fate anymore. In a way it's a relief because we won't have to make any commitments anymore to each other that we never followed through with anyway.

(if you read my post "painful ending why?" this will make sense) Well I was going to go see Spiderman 3 with some friends at a casino last night and I decided since I'm leaving the state and I haven't said anything in 2 months to her that I would send my ex a text message asking if she wanted to get a drink. Her husband that she's divorcing wrote me and said "we'll be there..." I wrote back and said I would meet him only if it would benefit me somehow he said she didn't want me to contact her etc...

To make a long story short, he's not even in the same state, I went to the movie but didn't see them. Him and I got into a nasty text message fight, he tried to scare me saying that he had HIV and I should go get checked out (he later admitted was a lie) The whole thing was pretty ugly I told my EX a lot about my past when we were together and he threatened to expose some of it. It ended by me saying that I was sorry for hurting him asking him not to hurt anyone from my past to hurt me. He said I didn't hurt him his wife hurt him and asked if I was going to text or call his wife anymore. I didn't respond, I left it at that.

Obviously 2 months hasn't been long enough, she still must think I ruined her life and fine, I would have taken silence from her to mean "no" but whatever, it is what it is.

I thought If she did something to hurt me like this I would be devastated and for a few minutes I was but it went away real quick. Maybe I really needed something to convince me that she isn't good for me and I think her acting like this (telling him everything and sending him all my texts) pretty much did it. I know I hurt her by what I've said to him after our breakup which I do regret but I apologized and I forgave her for what she did to me.

So that was my contact with her before I leave to go across the country, probably wasn't the best for me, but I feel like a little weight has been lifted off my chest.

First of all, he has every right to be mad at you. At the same time she decided to see other people while being married.

You should never have contacted her. That was silly. No more contact ever again.

Joe

Yes I don't know what you expected trying to contract her, and dealing with the husband is just silly. Sorry you deserve anything that happens from this.

I hope that silly notion is out of your system, not to smart.

Hi, I'll be heading to MD when you read this so no need to start WWIII (or WWX I guess it would be now). I hope in 10 years were not still at this point, I want things to be better then this, maybe even have a conversation :) I promised myself I'll learn how to be better at biting my tongue, It's amazing what jealousy will do to people. Happy mothers day! I wrote the poem below a few months ago, it probably doesn't mean much to you now but I wanted to share it with you and I figured this would be better then getting you roses or something that you would consider an act of stalking :) This is completely platonic Danielle, if you want just hit the delete button and no harm will be done, I'm not expecting anything in return. You probably won't hear from me until you get the money I owe you, my goal is to have it to you by your birthday but I'm sure you wouldn't mind having it sooner. Take Care! -xxxx


My Reason
So much I don't understand about this world. I love
And want to be loved. I cry. I feel pain deep inside
It's a pain I can't describe but it's always there.
Tomorrow will come and for a time the pain will
Subside but the pain always returns. I feel so
Sorry I feel so angry I feel so sad I feel so
Tired. I long to find the answers that we all
Seek. What is in store for me? Do I have a
Purpose? Do any of us have a purpose? Are we all
Feeling this pain? Why does it matter how love
Changes us if us are changed for the better? Why do
People want what they can't have? I crave love. I
Am a soul in search of love true love love without
Limits without boundaries love that knows no time.
For you I cry. I don't know who you are but I weep
With every thought. I can't let go of this love it
Haunts me it takes me to places I didn't know
Existed. I feel an emptiness when I'm alone. I
Find purpose only because I don't know what else to
Do. I search for love because love is my reason.

By: XXXXX

No. Don't send it. For one... it sounds like she has accused you of stalking her. Two... nobody is attracted to desperation. And three... if she is supposed to be yours, she will seek you out. Let her go dude. If you're a good guy, there will be plenty other girls for you to fall in love with. Don't you deserve someone who can't stand to be away from you? Someone who will just die if she can't wake up and see your face every morning? She's out there. Wait for her. Throw this one back in the water and forget about her. Good luck.

My guess from your prior posts is that she is married? No do not send it. Walk away like you have already been advised on previous posts and above.

I think that if a woman tells you to stop doing anyting u are doing you should. And the poem is all about you. Not her. Read it again and you'll see. You are infatuated maybe with the old idea of her, and not you two together.

Look back over all your posts, and see if you seem obsessed and selfish and holding on to a fantasy,
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search.php?searchid=1332968

You should have let it go a long time ago and moved on. Starting thread after thread about the same thing makes me think your stuck. Not a healthy place to be, so for the umteenth time move on. Not wise to send that poem.

How can you be friends with an ex though? Any other girl you talk to will be intimidated by the fact that you still contact your ex!

How can you be friends with an ex though? Any other girl you talk to will be intimidated by the fact that u still contact ur ex!

Good point! I'm living across the country now and if she ever wants to contact me she's smart enough to figure out how. At this piont I've moved on, I don't really have time for the drama anyway :)