So I'm really sad and hurt that my husband gets so excited by other women that he has to go home and jack off in the bathroom. I saw him him doing it and he actually tried to hide it. Is it not enough that he doesn't do anything special for or with me and now he has to start this? I'm so disappointed. I'm obviously not enough for him anymore. : (

So I'm really sad and hurt that my husband gets so excited by other women that he has to go home and jack off in the bathroom. I saw him him doing it and he actually tried to hide it. Is it not enough that he doesn't do anything special for or with me and now he has to start this?? I'm so disappointed. I'm obviously not enough for him anymore. : (


He's your husband - have you asked him?

Yes I asked him and he said he was "relieving stress". Right. And when you're supposed to be spending time with someone you love and never make time for them otherwise I'm supposed to believe that he wasn't in there fantasizing? Whatever. That hurt

Yes I asked him and he said he was "relieving stress". Right. And when you're supposed to be spending time with someone you love and never make time for them otherwise I'm supposed to believe that he wasn't in there fantasizing? Whatever. That hurt


I'd be hurt, too - I'd be tempted to de-stress him with harsh words.

I'd be hurt, too - I'd be tempted to de-stress him with harsh words.

I was more than tempted. I said my fair share. I feel really used considering he's probably fantasizing when he's having sex with me too.

He loves you, but he is a man and most men will fantasize over other woman.
Yes it hurt because you caught him, and knew he was thinking of a woman he saw on the beach. But it would hurt a lot more if it was a woman you caught him with in your bed.
Most men have porn mags and jack off. Tak to him about it.

he loves you, but he is a man and most men will fantasize over other woman.
yes it hurt because you caught him, and knew he was thinking of a woman he saw on the beach. But it would hurt a lot more if it was a woman you caught him with in your bed.
most men have porn mags and jack off. Tak to him about it.

It's not that he jacked off it's that we set time aside to spend together and instead of spending time with me he had to use that time masturbating to thoughts of other women. I told him I'm not stupid I know you do that buy how can you do that when we have so little time together? I'm crushed by that.

So based on your user name, you already think it's over.

What kind of advice are you hoping to get here?

he loves you, but he is a man and most men will fantasize over other woman.
yes it hurt because you caught him, and knew he was thinking of a woman he saw on the beach. But it would hurt a lot more if it was a woman you caught him with in your bed.
most men have porn mags and jack off. Tak to him about it.


How does she know what he was thinking of when he was masturbating? There is NO connection between masturbating and finding a woman in his bed - masturbating is pure fantasy.

"Most men" have porn mags and "jack off." Where did you read that?

It's not that he jacked off its that we set time aside to spend together and instead of spending time with me he had to use that time masturbating to thoughts of other women. I told him I'm not stupid I know you do that buy how can you do that when we have so little time together?? I'm crushed by that.

I would be crushed too, I do hope you can work things out togetter.

So based on your user name, you already think it's over.

What kind of advice are you hoping to get here?

I guess WHY?

I'm still wondering how you know what he is thinking about when he masturbates.

I think that there are OTHER issues in your marriage other than just this one incident that are bothering you.

If you were confident in your relationship, this wouldn't even be an issue.

So... what ELSE is going on?

Yes, men masturbate normally every couple days all the time, so if you did not know he was doing it, wake up. This is what men do. So I agree, if this is all that there is, you are seriously over reacting ( big time)

So if there is really an issue what is your real issue

I think that there are OTHER issues in your marriage other than just this one incident that are bothering you.

If you were confident in your relationship, this wouldn't even be an issue.

So...what ELSE is going on?

Maybe that in 15 years he has done nothing special for our anniversary or that he hardly ever wants to do anything with me. As I said I know men masturbate but it's messed up to do it when you are supposed to be spending the time that you never spend with your wife in the first place

What do you like about him?

What do you like about him?

Not much anymore. He doesn't make anytime for me or the kids, he puts his job before everything, he doesn't get ME off, he doesn't treat me special even though I am constantly running and doing for everyone else. And before anyone asks I take excellent care of myself.

I think it's time, then to see a marriage counselor. By yourself if he won't go with you.

And probably a divorce lawyer as well.

Now we are getting the real story. If the present problem was the straw that broke the camlel's back, you were just looking for that straw till you found it.

Is there even more to this story? What if you just caught him thinking about other women? Would that have done it too?

Maaybe he was thinking about you.

Now we are getting the real story. If the present problem was the straw that broke the camlel's back, you were just looking for that straw till you found it.

Is there even more to this story? What if you just caught him thinking about other women? Would that have done it too?

Maaybe he was thinking about you.

I really don't think I needed to do much looking after my needs have been neglected emotionally and physically for so long.

Maaaaybe he was thinking about me? Hmmm weird since I was in the other room.

Doesn't matter, we had a long talk about things last night and actually I don't think I overreacted considering I've read other posts on here with women boo hooing over discovering that their men beat off and no, I don't know what he was thinking about but I'm also not beyond making assumptions if he hid his hard on. Why would he hide it? I've seen his hard on before obviously so he was hiding because I the thoughts in his mind which is what made me think it wasn't about me.

You can't change a man's instinct.It is not proper on your part to think much on his behalf.The best thing is to ignore it.Watch him with love and care.Try to understand his needs and fulfill it as much as you can.

Please don't take it as a big problem.

I don't know all the details that you know so I can't defend him. But most women don't understand men (just my opinion based on my experiences) and vice-versa, I'm quite sure of that, and after all these years of civilization that doesn't seem to have changed much.
But if you have a family, and a fairly secure future, don't let this episode be the deciding factor. Base your decsions on the other factors that you have discussed or maybe haven't discussed. Is he a good provider with all that emphasis on his job? You have to weigh all the factors and you have to weight the factors based on which ones are most important to the entire family. The title of your post would in my humble opinion would be a factor at the bottom of the list with a weight factor of zero, in itself.

You can't change a man's instinct.It is not proper on your part to think much on his behalf.The best thing is to ignore it.Watch him with love and care.Try to understand his needs and fulfill it as much as you can.

Please don't take it as a big problem.


Sorry - you are blaming the "victim." It is not PROPER for her to think on his behalf? She should IGNORE his behavior - try to understand his needs.

What exactly are his "needs" if he "needs" to masturbate when his willing wife is in the next room?

Maybe all men masturbate; maybe they don't. It's one thing if a man says, "I'm going to masturbate, want to watch?" It's another if you plain old aren't there and so who cares. It's another thing if the willing wife is in the next room.

Sorry, I think you are way off base and, again, blaming the victim here.

Sorry - you are blaming the "victim." It is not PROPER for her to think on his behalf? She should IGNORE his behavior - try to understand his needs.

What exactly are his "needs" if he "needs" to masturbate when his willing wife is in the next room?

Maybe all men masturbate; maybe they don't. It's one thing if a man says, "I'm going to masturbate, want to watch?" It's another if you plain old aren't there and so who cares. It's another thing if the willing wife is in the next room.

Sorry, I think you are way off base and, again, blaming the victim here.

Thank you. Because I was starting to think I was wrong for being upset by this.

Thank you. Because I was starting to think I was wrong for being upset by this.


When you read the advice you have to sort through the other posts - the person who told you, basically, that you need to shape up is blaming the wife on other posts, telling them to shape up.

Apparently has a problem with women - and is attempting to avoid child support and so...

When you read the advice you have to sort through the other posts - the person who told you, basically, that you need to shape up is blaming the wife on other posts, telling them to shape up.

Apparently has a problem with women - and is attempting to avoid child support and so ...

Ah. I see. So do you think I can forgive my husband? Not for masturbating but for neglecting me and for treating me second rate? I really want to forgive him but I just keep thinking now that he's faking it with me that he doesn't want to be with me but it's easier than divorce and that hea probably thinking about other women all the time now!

Ah. I see. So do you think I can forgive my husband? Not for masturbating but for neglecting me and for treating me second rate? I really want to forgive him but I just keep thinking now that he's faking it with me that he doesn't want to be with me but it's easier than divorce and that hea probably thinking about other women all the time now!


Wow - I honestly don't know what I would were I in your shoes. I truly don't.

I agree - it's less about masturbating and more about neglecting you, knowing you are hurt and neglected - and masturbating anyway.

Yes, I can see that thoughts of "other women" would run through your head.

Can you sit down and calmly (and I know that might not be easy) discuss this with him? I sort of get a tone from you that the relationship is over OR is limping into the "over" stage.

What's in your heart? I think somewhere deep down inside, you know.

Wow - I honestly don't know what I would were I in your shoes. I truly don't.

I agree - it's less about masturbating and more about neglecting you, knowing you are hurt and neglected - and masturbating anyway.

Yes, I can see that thoughts of "other women" would run through your head.

Can you sit down and calmly (and I know that might not be easy) discuss this with him? I sort of get a tone from you that the relationship is over OR is limping into the "over" stage.

What's in your heart? I think somewhere deep down inside, you know.

I don't know. I don't know if I'm expecting too much or not enough. I know when I think of leaving I'm terrified of how hard it will be emotionally, financially, on the kids. But then again if he hates me why stay no matter how unappealing my other options?

I don't know. I don't know if I'm expecting too much or not enough. I know when I think of leaving I'm terrified of how hard it will be emotionally, financially, on the kids. But then again if he hates me why stay no matter how unappealing my other options?


How about if you make yourself attractive and fun and "appealing" to yourself and your children? Don't cater to him, don't be his fantasy woman. Get a solid idea of who you are and what you want. When you're in that position, then you can decide how to go forward. You don't have to make that decision today.

I'm not saying to be mean or cold to him. I'm saying that YOU are more important than HIM and more important than the two of you as a couple.

He wants to masturbate to fantasy women, he wants to be neglectful, he wants to be anything other than abusive - you'll be confident enough in yourself that none of that will matter. It's possible when he realizes what he says and does has little effect you he may snap around.

Then YOU decide whether you are still interested.

I'd set a deadline - 3 months for example. Long enough to know his colors. Short enough that you are not burning up chunks of your life that you can never get back.

Sound like it might work?

I have found in relationships that when the other person cooled down it hurt me deeply - until I cooled down. Then they heated up and it was too late for me.

How about if you make yourself attractive and fun and "appealing" to yourself and your children? Don't cater to him, don't be his fantasy woman. Get a solid idea of who you are and what you want. When you're in that position, then you can decide how to go forward. You don't have to make that decision today.

I'm not saying to be mean or cold to him. I'm saying that YOU are more important than HIM and more important than the two of you as a couple.

He wants to masturbate to fantasy women, he wants to be neglectful, he wants to be anything other than abusive - you'll be confident enough in yourself that none of that will matter. It's possible when he realizes what he says and does has little effect you he may snap around.

Then YOU decide whether or not you are still interested.

I'd set a deadline - 3 months for example. Long enough to know his colors. Short enough that you are not burning up chunks of your life that you can never get back.

Sound like it might work?

I have found in relationships that when the other person cooled down it hurt me deeply - until I cooled down. Then they heated up and it was too late for me.

To be fair I think I can try it. It just seems like I have done it before and still nothing.

But three months is not too long to try once more. He actually just called me to see if I was making his favorite lasagna yeah... EF that!

The thing is if I'm not engaging him in sex the next thing he will say is "oh is this how it's goin to be from now on?" "if it is I'm gone"

He threatens me with that crap so I will "conform". Says he won't pay child support. Says if I leave don't EVER expect to hear from him again. Back to the three months, sure I'll try.

To be fair I think I can try it. It just seems like I have done it before and still nothing.

But three months is not too long to try once more. He actually just called me to see if I was making his favorite lasagna yeah.....EF that!

The thing is if I'm not engaging him in sex the next thing he will say is "oh is this how it's goin to be from now on?" "if it is I'm gone"

He threatens me with that crap so I will "conform". Says he won't pay child support. Says if I leave don't EVER expect to hear from him again. Back to the three months, sure I'll try.


I think you're stronger and express yourself far better than you realize.

Lasagna? Homemade? Heck, I'll be over!

I think three months is a good time frame - long enough but short enough.

So - it's sex on his terms or good-bye? I'd tell him calmly how you - you are either his partner in life or you're not his partner in sex. His choice. I've heard the, "Well, you're forcing me to watch porn and masturbate." My answer - "the computer is in there."

Right, he's not going to pay child support, you won't be able to locate him, blah, blah, blah. The Court will have an entirely different opinion. As far as not finding him - I'm an investigator.

We'll find him.

I think you're stronger and express yourself far better than you realize.

Lasagna? Homemade? Heck, I'll be over!

I think three months is a good time frame - long enough but short enough.

So - it's sex on his terms or good-bye? I'd tell him calmly how you - you are either his partner in life or you're not his partner in sex. His choice. I've heard the, "Well, you're forcing me to watch porn and masturbate." My answer - "the computer is in there."

Right, he's not going to pay child support, you won't be able to locate him, blah, blah, blah. The Court will have an entirely different opinion. As far as not finding him - I'm an investigator.

We'll find him.

You made me giggle for the first time in two days. I SO needed that.

I'm going to let this go and change my focus because quite honestly I'm sick of thinking about him.

Can we stay in touch? I really appreciate your comments. Thanks again. : )

You made me giggle for the first time in two days. I SO needed that.

I'm going to let this go and change my focus because quite honestly I'm sick of thinking about him.

Can we stay in touch? I really appreciate your comments. Thanks again. : )



Sure, any time - use the Private Mail (PM) function and we'll exchange info.

AMHD prefers that these issues remain on the board so other people can read and hopefully learn but all else is wide open!

Yes, I'd like to know how you're doing (and when the lasagna will be ready).