I am so sorry if this is a bit long but thank you to those who are patient enough to read all this :(

I’m 14yrs old and I have a really guilty conscious that is affecting my daily life. When I was 7yrs old my dad was dropping me off at my mom’s it was OK at first till I met a boy I went to school with, let’s call him Bob he invited me over to his house and I went and we became best friends. A year later I pried him into telling me one of his secrets. I didn’t realize what I was doing was wrong; I just thought we were being like the people on TV at sleepover parties. When he eventually told me I promised to never tell a soul but I did 3 months later.

It was at a school carnival and these three girls who had picked on me for years approached me. That was when I had my first panic attack. I had trouble breathing and felt pretty nervous and the secret slipped. I didn’t mean to let it slip but it did, I kicked myself for it but I didn’t want Bob to know. Every time I thought of it I was short out breath and started coughing. He did find out but instantly forgave me. A few months later his little brother was throwing a tantrum and was throwing Lego everywhere and it hit Bob, I got nervous again and something started kicking my gut as a response like I would at the doctors or when someone got hurt I stopped breathing and started making slight spluttering noises that sounded like giggling. I’m still confused as to if it was a giggle or if really a panic attack was because I did feel the kicking and short of breath. But he gave me a black eye for it and we both lied saying I ran into a door knob.

Last year we went to the same high school and I began having attacks because I thought maybe I really did hurt him. I tried apologizing but he kept wanting nothing to do with me. I was really sorry! I started hearing stranger’s voices calling me names and picking on me. I felt alone like I had no one I deserved no one. I started cutting, moved in with all my mom’s new stranger bfs. My mom was always ignoring me telling me she was too busy calling me an attention seeker! My real dad called me selfish because I stopped seeing him and I fell apart.

I’m now diagnosed with anxiety. I can’t tell anyone about this story because I’m ashamed and the wounds are still fresh so I’m seeking online help hoping that no one will judge me for what I have done? Because everything I do I feel guilty I’m seeing a shrink but I can’t even tell I’m so scared of telling this? What can I do? I don’t want to lose anyone else! :(

Dear Tsmit475,

I think you're being too hard on yourself, you are 14 yrs old and it sounds like you were 8years old at the time you made a mistake that you owned up too, that shows great integrity. Every person on this planet makes mistakes every day, we can't help it, we stuff up sometimes. Regardless of what the issue was, it sounds like you felt bad and said sorry, you were a young child who broke a promise, ithink it was important to say sorry but how the other person reacts is not your responsilbilty, it's time to forgive yourself and let it go. Panic attacks and anxiety are extremely common, keep seeking help - you are worth it:)

Thank you, that's a really nice thing to say :) you sound like a lovely person and I hope I am able to help if you ever need it. :)

I think you need to forgive yourself also, because we all make mistakes, and forgive your parents for not being able to help when you need it. Adults make mistakes too, but that's on them, not you.

Let all that guilt and anger go, and don't be afraid to share your fear with your doctor as that's how you let it out like you have here with us. Then you can learn to deal with your anger, fear, and guilt. And the pain the actions of others have caused you.

Right now its kind of hard, and I suspect you had no guidance, or no one to talk to, but relax, we all go through this learning, growing period, and you will find better ways to let things out, instead of trying keeping them in.

Did you see your parents argue and fight?

Thank you, :)
My parents got a divorse a few months after I was born. They've been fighting ever since I could remember it was always the same I would go to my dads every second weekend and they would fight even over the phone, then mum and I would fight over dad and how I love him more? But I love them equally always have always will and I do have people to talk to its just I don't feel like I can? I'm just full of shame and scared I'm going to push someone away. :(

But thank you answer was very kind to :)

Anxiety sort of goes with being around conflict, and you started early. But why have you stopped seeing your dad so much? What changed?

:) aww you sound so sweet thank you for answering my question

Nothing changed that's why I stopped seeing him. Him and mom were constantly fighting never stopping no matter how much I said it hurt :( he used to buy me lots of stuff not because I wanted it. I felt so spoiled like I had everything except I didn't my dad never wanted to sit and talk not with me but with all my cousins he wanted everything to do with them, everyone thought I was spoiled and so did I but not the way I wanted to be when I got older he kept saying the only reason I wanted to be around him was because of the material things he started calling me selfish and said he didn't want anything to do with me and I am exactly like my mom but what hurt the most was that he thought I never really wanted to be around him because he was just my dad. I forgive him but I don't want to see him because of the fighting with my mom and him. He says he's sorry and he still wants to see me though I don't think ill ever go back to that, luckily no one knew except my mom. :)

You are much to young for this type of burden, and your not being able to express your deepest feelings is causing the conflict around you to be held inside for to long. You cannot help but be affected by the adults around you, but it doesn't have to make you feel helpless, or powerless.

You just have to be guided to empowering yourself, to find that peaceful place within so you can love yourself when the whole world is hating themselves. Not sure if you understand that concept, but it comes down to letting the adults freak out, and YOU don't.

You are quite intelligent for 14, and I think your emotions, or the ability to manage them is where you are at. LOL, its just a matter of time before that happens, but for now, your key to success is to have some fun in the world you are at, and have some patience with the flaws of others.

Heck, you probably just have not found that guiding voice who listens without judging. To vent and get a hug instead of advice. We all need that sometimes, no matter our ages.

A good way to vent is with a journal that only you have access to, and some really positive people to watch, and learn good things from, that you can emulate. TV shows are not the best place to learn and copy.

Got any good role models you admire, that you know in real life? Aunts? Uncles maybe who are cool, calm, and collected, AND nice, loving? A teacher, or coach?

:D thanks
I used to have an adopted uncle and aunt but they left during a fight with my mom :( though, I have many role models- I look up to everyone lol. But I mostly look up to those who are younger than me as they are a lot smarter than what most would believe they see so much yet those who have gotten older have forgotten. Its scary to think about, no offense to anyone but I think most who are in their teens or older can be extremely smart but extremely stupid because they neglect the most smallest thing but with a small child they may not be the smartest or strongest but they can see the tiniest of things that are neglected and that's what gives their innocence and makes want to look up to them more :)
Thanks for listening :)

Brilliant observation. Sometimes we get so caught up in personal issues, and situations we cannot see the smaller stuff that happens around us. Or see how our own distraction affect others.

We just can't focus beyond the present situation, and mostly don't know how to step back, and notice the things we miss because we are distracted.

Guilty!! We get overwhelmed!! And carried away by our own stuff. Good insight!

:D yeah I'm preety guilty when it comes to being overwhelmed, I think all of us are :)
Thank you again :D
You have a lot of advise really great advise to and your really great person to

Why thank you, my daughter and grand daughter have taught me a lot, as well as some very head strong nieces, and nephews.

Thanks for being so open, and sharing a part of yourself. I learned a lot, and appreciate it greatly. Just have some fun and don't blow your potential worrying about what others are going through, just love them, but as your coping skills catch up to your intelligence you will understand a lot better.

No doubt your parents will learn much from you. Right now, they just don't know what they are missing. Ya think they are overwhelmed?

:D yeah their probabaly lots overwhelmed it was really talking to you I learnt a lot from you as well. I hope we can talk again bye :)

:D yeah their probabaly really overwhelmed it was nice talking to you I learnt a lot from you as well. I hope we can talk again bye :) sorry if it was a bit jumbled -it was 3am when I wrote this :D

One thing you need to know and remember... many of us made mistakes and did things that we now regret when we were younger. I did plenty and if I could change it all, I would. The thing of it is that you have to learn to move forward and not hate yourself or make things harder on yourself because of past mistakes. You have to look at it that you did it, you did what you could to make it right, and now you move on.

I wish you luck.