I need to first say that I know I have made repeated mistakes caring for my 6 year old daughter. I don't need to be criticized for what I've done and not done. I get that much of the time from my verbally/emotionally abusive husband and myself. Please respect my request for non-judgmental comments.

This is my first post.

My mother-in-law is verbally/emotionally and now physically abusive of my 6 year old daughter as of several days ago. I witnessed that incident, but my daughter said there was another that was similar to this one.

She slapped her in the face in her front yard right in front of me and my 3 year old daughter, when my older daughter threw a little rubber ball and it hit the tray that she had some kind of 'prized worm' in.

This was when we were preparing to leave after she had my daughters over for the afternoon and evening. She has said she has some difficulty watching both of them at the same time, but I always leave it up to her when she wants the 3 year old over, and what time she will be dropped off and picked up.

She probably has some kind of mental condition. She can go like that - from being calm to furious - in a matter of seconds. She goes on and on to me with negative gossip about many neighbors and others. She implies that she is right all the time, and anyone who doesn't meet her expectations are less than. I know that my husband and I are 2 of those people she feels that way towards.

I am now only referring to my older daughter. She has called my daughter names like 'moron' in front of me. Otherwise she seems to love my daughter deeply - she seems to need her around at certain times for special planned events and activities often.

I have multiple mental illnesses - bipolar disorder, anxiety, OCD/OCPD, and ADD. And dependent personality disorder to some extent. And a part of borderline personality disorder where they say I have elevated emotional reactivity. My mother in law is aware of all except for the last 2.

I readily accepted her offer to care for my daughter in her home for half the week, every week, from the time my daughter was about 10 months old, up until she was 3 and a half. 3 and a half was when the amount of days my daughter was over there decreased, and there were no more overnights. My husband and I decided on this for various reasons, the main one being the birth of my younger daughter. I knew my older daughter would want to know why she had to go there all the time when we had our younger daughter at home with us all the time.

I was not suspicious of any abuse until she began getting angry and critical of my daughter around when she turned 5. And I instinctively made excuses for it in my mind... enabling her, I know.

Then came the name calling and calling her behavior stupid and dumb sometimes. I hated it but didn't know what to do. I couldn't deal with disagreeing with her. I couldn't deal with her turning on me, cursing me, and shutting us out of her life.

I am now at the point where I am ready to confront her no matter what. I know I should have done it almost a year and a half ago, but I was paralyzed. Probably because my husband is a lot like her. (see my profile.)

He has been demanding that I get on the internet and find out how best to approach her as far as stating that the physical abuse will not be tolerated. He's never set any boundaries with her before.

I am passive, not assertive. She is going to trigger my anxiety. He said if she says anything wrong or insulting to us he will blow up and leave.

No matter what happens, we agreed that we will tell her that she cannot hit her again, or else she cannot see our daughter again.

I know the emotional and verbal abuse also has to be dealt with, but that issue is more complicated in that my husband is verbally and emotionally abusive of her, and I am verbally in that I am ineffective in disciplining her and when she disobeys me repeatedly I often end up yelling at her, sometimes in a tirade.

So my husband keeps going back and forth – saying that I should have looked up everything about dealing with his mother’s emotional abuse on the internet after that last incident last year(I did, but got discouraged when all I could think of was that we were as bad as her, or almost), and said that he expected me to do this and then we would have our discussion about confronting her.

I didn’t know this until he said it accusatorily last night and again today. He was also saying that our home is far from an oasis. His support of me is thus waxing and waning.

But I am determined to get this over with as soon as we can prepare ourselves with what we will say and how we will say it. I know we can't show vulnerability. We can't be accusing. I would like to be assertive, but neither my husband nor I are. I want to get it done right the first time.

So all I need are a list of clear, rational, unemotional and reasonable ways of doing this. Preferably by those of you who are experienced in this area.

Thank you,
Myriam

Why didn't you deal with this on the spot. No one would have hit my son in front of me without being severely reprimanded right then and there; with probably the police called in to make an impact on the whole situation. Relative or no.

I am a mom, first and foremost, although my son is 30 now, so you want 'someone experienced in this'? There are a lot of moms here, but I don't think you will see a list, it will be a gut reaction to someone hitting a kid with the mom right there watching it happen. Both you and your husband should discuss this with her, but the only way I can say is, your daughters should no longer be in her company under any circumstances if she is emotionally unbalanced, and you knew she was, that is the scary point.

And another thought, the more I think about this. This person would have been laid flat by me after wittnessing any kind of physical abuse to my son.

First, please don't presume to dictate how people respond to your posts. When you post on this site (or similar ones) you open yourself up to any comments people want to make. If you feel a post violates our rules use the report function. In a situation like this we have to make judgments, that's how we give advice. For example, you did the same thing: "She probably has some kind of mental condition. She can go like that - from being calm to furious - in a matter of seconds." You made a judgment there that may be incorrect.

That being said, I'm not clear what you want us to do for you here. As tickle said you missed an opportunity by not reacting when you witnessed the incident. If you need to establish boundaries for when the M-I-L watches your children, then you simply have to do so. Write down a list of rules and present them to her. And tell you feel strongly about this and if she can't abide by your rules then you feel uncomfortable letting her watch the children.

You and your husband may need to go for some assertiveness training. Or you may want to enlist your clergy to act as an intermediary. But you clearly feel strongly about this, just not strong enough to confront your M-I-L. So you need to put your children's welfare before your own feelings.

I don't have a good answer as to why I didn't react immediately as I should have. I have speculations, but I doubt you all want to hear them.

I know it seems like it's all cut and dried as far as what should have happened and exactly what should have been done and why. I now realize that with advice, there will also be parts of it that I don't fully agree with.

Still everything you said is right, though. I am grateful for any replies. Much of it, when I read it/hear it, is what I need to hear, and gives me a little hope that I will be able to say and do what needs to be said and done no matter what.

And we're definitely going to confront her no matter what. I just want to be somewhat prepared for it, instead of just going in there attacking and accusing her, no matter how much she deserves it. Instead of f-ing up by being too emotional/reactive and giving her the power. Instead of going in 'shooting from the hip.'

She's very calculating as far as her reaction to being disagreed with by responding with overwhelmingly cutting comments, and that's an understatement. I haven't witnessed this fully, but from what my husband has said, she does.

She is going to trigger my anxiety and I know I'll feel very attacked and hurt, and I don't want to just deteriorate into crying, etc. and just have no defenses, which is what I do when someone yells at me in anger. I also automatically react by getting defensive.

Instead, I want to stand up to her as much as I can. I want her to hear as much of what we need to say as possible.

We will just have to stay calm as we can, keeping our prime objective in mind - which is obviously stating what's unacceptable from her, and that she won't be allowed to see them again unless we are present.

But I still would like to read where someone has shared what they had said and experienced in confronting an abuser once they discovered that the person had abused their child.

Hopefully your post will attract someone with a like experience. That may or may not happen.

As for being prepared, I would definitely not attack her for past actions. If you never set boundaries for her, then she is parenting as she knows how. So instead of confronting her with a I didn't like that you did this attitude, turn it around and make it on you. Give her a list of boundaries that you have decided work within your ideas of raising your child. And explain to her that you need her to follow your lead.

Scott,

I appreciate that, that was -very- helpful. It occurred to me that we never even mentioned that we never spank her or anything, but it also didn't occur to me that she would ever hit her.

It seems like my daughter would have said something about it, but she doesn't like to talk about certain kinds of things much of the time, either.




Hopefully your post will attract someone with a like experience. That may or may not happen.

As for being prepared, I would definitely not attack her for past actions. If you never set boundaries for her, then she is parenting as she knows how. So instead of confronting her with a I didn't like that you did this attitude, turn it around and make it on you. Give her a list of boundaries that you have decided work within your ideas of raising your child. And explain to her that you need her to follow your lead.

I suggest you and your husband get yourselves on the same page before meeting with his mother. Make a list of non-negotiable behaviors that you ALL will adhere to. Keep the list short (maybe only three items to start with) and worded in simple, straightforward terms.

Discuss terms used and expectations, if necessary--but I think the less discussion there is among the three of you, the less chance there is for arguments, tears, accusations, anxiety creation.

I'd even make it into a contract that all three of the adults sign and date and each get a copy of.

OP has already stated that MIL is a loaded cannon (not her words); MIL smacked her daughter for making her drop a plate. What a reaction, hitting a young one for that. Why would the child, or children be left in her care ever again seeing as she reacts like this;

I don't get signing an agreement for anything; I don't see the daughters there ever again.

Good point, tick. I was trying to keep the family together, but mil will probably think of and do something that's not on the list.