My husband's daughter from another marriage is causing problems (now in her teens) and her mom has moved, not answering calls. The daughter visits us for summers. She is here now and social worker from her state in Nebraska (we are in Washington) says we have to take her now because mom is gone. My husband currently does not have custody of her and does not want custody of her- can he be forced to take her? Does he have a right to say no and what are the possible implications?

In most states, parents have the obligation to support their minor children. What do you plan to do, dump her somewhere, like some irresponsible people do with unwanted puppies?

Your husband needs to discuss this with the social workers to find out what the options are. But he is her father and as such, has an obligation to figure out how to solve his child's behavioral problems.

In most states, parents have the obligation to support their minor children. What do you plan to do, dump her somewhere, like some irresponsible people do with unwanted puppies?

Your husband needs to discuss this with the social workers to find out what the options are. But he is her father and as such, has an obligation to figure out how to solve his child's behavioral problems.

AK Lawyer~ We fought for custody when she was young, but state gave her to mom. Now she is older and has issues, mom doesn't want her. After we lost custody, we had two children (4 yrs and 6mo old). My husband's daughter was in foster care 2 yrs ago and was kicked out of a house because she was aggressive and threatening to the small children, obviously we don't want to sacrifice our two young children to help his older daughter- it's a tough choice- my baby almost choked on a razor blade (she cuts herself) the daughter left on the ground. Not cool! She pushed a neighbor kid (5 yrs old) on the ground while at our house now(couldnt that be a liability), beat up her mom (police report reported bruises all over mom's face and arms).
So to help her we should take her and possibly sacrifice two small kids and myself even- way to put on the guilt "AK LAwyer". You think we want this decision? A "puppy" really?? Let me give you a "tip". Stick to law and not counseling (thats my area actually) and not judgment (thats God's area)..

AK Lawyer~ We fought for custody when she was young, but state gave her to mom. Now she is older and has issues, mom doesn't want her. After we lost custody, we had two children (4 yrs and 6mo old). My husband's daughter was in foster care 2 yrs ago and was kicked out of a house because she was aggressive and threatening to the small children, obviously we dont want to sacrifice our two young children to help his older daughter- its a tough choice- my baby almost choked on a razor blade (she cuts herself) the daughter left on the ground. Not cool! She pushed a neighbor kid (5 yrs old) on the ground while at our house now(couldnt that be a liability), beat up her mom (police report reported bruises all over mom's face and arms).
So to help her we should take her and possibly sacrifice two small kids and myself even- way to put on the guilt "AK LAwyer". You think we want this decision? A "puppy" really??? Let me give you a "tip". Stick to law and not counseling (thats my area actually) and not judgment (thats God's area)..


You are a counsellor, asking for advice on a public Q and A Board? That makes little/no sense to me - nor does your attitude.

When you're done being defensive and want to hear what somebody else wants to say, post again and let "us" know.

The fast legal advice is that the Court (at least in NY) takes the position that the first family comes first and the second family comes second. Just because your husband had more children does not mean he can shortchange or ignore his first family. Also, I'd tone it down a little if this goes to Court - "almost choking" is like "almost being pregnant." You either do/are or don't/aren't.

In the meantime as a counsellor you undoubtedly have professional connections. Ask them.

AK Lawyer~ We fought for custody when she was young, but state gave her to mom. Now she is older and has issues, mom doesn't want her. After we lost custody, we had two children (4 yrs and 6mo old). My husband's daughter was in foster care 2 yrs ago and was kicked out of a house because she was aggressive and threatening to the small children, obviously we dont want to sacrifice our two young children to help his older daughter- its a tough choice- my baby almost choked on a razor blade (she cuts herself) the daughter left on the ground. Not cool! She pushed a neighbor kid (5 yrs old) on the ground while at our house now(couldnt that be a liability), beat up her mom (police report reported bruises all over mom's face and arms).
So to help her we should take her and possibly sacrifice two small kids and myself even- way to put on the guilt "AK LAwyer". You think we want this decision? A "puppy" really??? Let me give you a "tip". Stick to law and not counseling (thats my area actually) and not judgment (thats God's area)..

You asked and I told you: as her father, he has an obligation to take care of his child. Whether he does this in his home or some other way is just details.

You are a counsellor, asking for advice on a public Q and A Board? That makes little/no sense to me - nor does your attitude.

When you're done being defensive and want to hear what somebody else wants to say, post again and let "us" know.

The fast legal advice is that the Court (at least in NY) takes the position that the first family comes first and the second family comes second. Just because your husband had more children does not mean he can shortchange or ignore his first family'

In the meantime as a counsellor you undoubtedly have professional connections. Ask them.

My professional connections (other counselors and attorneys) alll say the same thing (do not put the other children at risk for this one). In my profession, much damage is done with a child in the first several years of life- not saying it can't be reversed but not likely- sad but true. I wanted an "outside" objective answer so I posted to this board. Of course there is a lot to this story you don't know- impossible to put into one paragraph.
You called me irresponsible and my step daughter a puppy- I'd worry if I didn't get defensive. This is legal advice, not judgment or otherwise. Strange you would include such comments in your answer. I believe I am being responsible for my two children- I am not going to put them at risk for one child- do the math. My husband's ex never let him see her until one time when she was 8 and her mom had a breakdown- we took her, spent all our savings, my moms savings to keep her but it was decided we couldn't have her so not seeing her for many more years we had given up- my husband has never raised her nor been around her due to mom's wishes. We were basically used as foster care until her mom got it together. I see my husband as nothing more than a sperm donor, being that mom never let him see her growing up.

My professional connections (other counselors and attorneys) alll say the same thing (do not put the other children at risk for this one). In my profession, much damage is done with a child in the first several years of life- not saying it can't be reversed but not likely- sad but true. I wanted an "outside" objective answer so I posted to this board. of course there is a lot to this story you don't know- impossible to put into one paragraph.
You called me irresponsible and my step daughter a puppy- I'd worry if i didn't get defensive. This is legal advice, not judgment or otherwise. Strange you would include such comments in your answer. I believe I am being responsible for my two children- I am not going to put them at risk for one child- do the math. My husband's ex never let him see her until one time when she was 8 and her mom had a breakdown- we took her, spent all our savings, my moms savings to keep her but it was decided we couldn't have her so not seeing her for many more years we had given up- my husband has never raised her nor been around her due to mom's wishes. We were basically used as foster care until her mom got it together. I see my husband as nothing more than a sperm donor, being that mom never let him see her growing up. Her mom is irresponsible for leaving when her daughter has issues, but of course I wouldn't like to be beat up either

My professional connections (other counselors and attorneys) alll say the same thing (do not put the other children at risk for this one). In my profession, much damage is done with a child in the first several years of life- not saying it can't be reversed but not likely- sad but true. I wanted an "outside" objective answer so I posted to this board. of course there is a lot to this story you don't know- impossible to put into one paragraph.
You called me irresponsible and my step daughter a puppy- I'd worry if i didn't get defensive. This is legal advice, not judgment or otherwise. Strange you would include such comments in your answer. I believe I am being responsible for my two children- I am not going to put them at risk for one child- do the math. My husband's ex never let him see her until one time when she was 8 and her mom had a breakdown- we took her, spent all our savings, my moms savings to keep her but it was decided we couldn't have her so not seeing her for many more years we had given up- my husband has never raised her nor been around her due to mom's wishes. We were basically used as foster care until her mom got it together. I see my husband as nothing more than a sperm donor, being that mom never let him see her growing up.


Whoa! I said NONE of those things - my first post was my first post. Nothing was removed. I did NOT call you irresponsible and I didn't say your daughter was a puppy - AGAIN, read my post. I have no idea where you are getting this from or, for that matter, why you are jumping on me. I included no such phrases in my answer. If you are alleging that my post calling you irresponsible and your daughter a puppy was removed I'LL ask a Mod to restore it.

I said no such things. I should do the math? Maybe you should do the reading.

I have no idea why you jumped on me, no idea at all. You managed to quote me this time - why don't you quote me the FIRST time? Oh, I know, because that's not what I said.

You could not be more out of line. If ONE person searches my name and finds your allegations you have done me a GRAVE disservice. Now I wonder about the truth of ALL of your statements in this thread. Perhaps is the story from your perspective, regardless of the truth (and proof)?

As far as your husband being a sperm donor, he picked the girl's mother to have sex with. Maybe he should have thought of the consequences. I'm beginning to think that might be the case with the children you have together.

Being a stepmom is a hard place to be in. I too have 2 stepdaughters who both have their own emotional disturbances . Tough love has got me through it with them. She may act the way she does because no ones shown her love like she needs to see. If you push her away then she'll never change. I'm a cutter as well and in my experience she's in a lot of pain that she can't explain. She also obviously has a lot of trust issues hence the cutting. I was 25 before I quit. I know all this is tough but you all can get through . She needs love and you have it because your protection of your other 2 children. Get her into therapy first off and go from their. Not push her away. Cus if you do you will be going to her funeral.

AK Lawyer~ And I quote... "What do you plan to do, dump her somewhere, like some irresponsible people do with unwanted puppies?" You have stated I am like some irresponsible person and refer to my step daughter like and unwanted puppy. Thought this was a professional forum, not judgmental.

momma5~ thanks for giving respectful advice. How can I keep my other two children safe? She is not supposed to be around small children so of course I have huge concern- it's not an ideal situation. My 6mo old almost choked on a razor she left on the floor. I don't want to be going to his funeral.

AK Lawyer~ And I quote..."What do you plan to do, dump her somewhere, like some irresponsible people do with unwanted puppies?" You have stated i am like some irresponsible person and refer to my step daughter like and unwanted puppy. Thought this was a professional forum, not judgmental.

You quoted ME

My professional connections (other counselors and attorneys) alll say the same thing (do not put the other children at risk for this one). In my profession, much damage is done with a child in the first several years of life- not saying it can't be reversed but not likely- sad but true. I wanted an "outside" objective answer so I posted to this board. of course there is a lot to this story you don't know- impossible to put into one paragraph.
You called me irresponsible and my step daughter a puppy- I'd worry if i didn't get defensive. This is legal advice, not judgment or otherwise. Strange you would include such comments in your answer. I believe I am being responsible for my two children- I am not going to put them at risk for one child- do the math. My husband's ex never let him see her until one time when she was 8 and her mom had a breakdown- we took her, spent all our savings, my moms savings to keep her but it was decided we couldn't have her so not seeing her for many more years we had given up- my husband has never raised her nor been around her due to mom's wishes. We were basically used as foster care until her mom got it together. I see my husband as nothing more than a sperm donor, being that mom never let him see her growing up.
My attitude and response was directed at "AK Lawyer" sorry if that was misunderstood. I am not a counselor anymore due to a chronic illness I got a couple of years ago leaving me disabled at time. I have to watch my stress levels and I do not feel with my condition I am up for a problem child while having issues after giving birth to my 6 month old. I have to know when to say no while other people who don't have a severe illness don't have to do that. In psychology, you have to be practical because you see these scenarios play out a lot. Nobody wants to do anything to be preventative- only if something were to happen to my children- one got hurt or died from cause of step child, would anybody say she was a danger to be in our home. I am simply being preventative of a situation that I've seen many times in many homes. Yes, I do have professional insight into this situation, but simply wanted the legal advice.

Was she court ordered not to be around small children? Like I said in my previous response... get her into a therapist and a medical specialist and they along with you can plan a course of action. She may need some help away from you and her father before she can come live with you full time. Like inpatient care. She is going to naturally defy u because your not her mother and until you show her she can trust you it'll be tough.

#1 - My post in the event you can't figure out how “quote” works: Quote: “Originally Posted by JudyKayTee - You are a counselor, asking for advice on a public Q and A Board? That makes little/no sense to me - nor does your attitude. When you're done being defensive and want to hear what somebody else wants to say, post again and let "us" know. The fast legal advice is that the Court (at least in NY) takes the position that the first family comes first and the second family comes second. Just because your husband had more children does not mean he can shortchange or ignore his first family. In the meantime as a counselor you undoubtedly have professional connections. Ask them.”

#2 - Your post in the event you can't figure out what you said:
My professional connections (other counselors and attorneys) alll say the same thing (do not put the other children at risk for this one). In my profession, much damage is done with a child in the first several years of life- not saying it can't be reversed but not likely- sad but true. I wanted an "outside" objective answer so I posted to this board. of course there is a lot to this story you don't know- impossible to put into one paragraph.
You called me irresponsible and my step daughter a puppy- I'd worry if I didn't get defensive. This is legal advice, not judgment or otherwise. Strange you would include such comments in your answer. I believe I am being responsible for my two children- I am not going to put them at risk for one child- do the math. My husband's ex never let him see her until one time when she was 8 and her mom had a breakdown- we took her, spent all our savings, my moms savings to keep her but it was decided we couldn't have her so not seeing her for many more years we had given up- my husband has never raised her nor been around her due to mom's wishes. We were basically used as foster care until her mom got it together. I see my husband as nothing more than a sperm donor, being that mom never let him see her growing up.

#3 - Your latest post in the event you can't remember what you said: [QUOTE=Lizett;3195037]AK Lawyer~ And I quote... "What do you plan to do, dump her somewhere, like some irresponsible people do with unwanted puppies?" You have stated I am like some irresponsible person and refer to my step daughter like and unwanted puppy. Thought this was a professional forum, not judgmental.


What don't you understand? I posted #1 above. You quoted #1 (me) AND responded with #2, stating I said you were irresponsible and whatever else you think you are reading. And I'll make the offer again - where did I say that?

You quoted ME and I never said any of the things you are alleging I said. If you have a problem with my colleague, AK, take it up with him. I did NOT say the quotes you attributed to me. To make it ever worse you, who apparently can't figure out who is posting what, told ME to do the math. And I'll take it up a notch - you are very clearly lying about what I said. Why?

OR - now that I've read this over - don't you understand how screen names work? Each “user” has ONE. More than that is against the rules. I am Judykaytee. I do not use any other screen names. Maybe YOU think you are irresponsible. I have no idea but I never said ANYTHING close to that. If you quote someone, it is ASSUMED that you are addressing that post, that person.

You're a counselor of some sort and can't figure this out? Again, I'll do the math. You try doing the reading and comprehension part.

And by the way - I have 5 stepchildren.

You are a counsellor, asking for advice on a public Q and A Board? That makes little/no sense to me - nor does your attitude.

When you're done being defensive and want to hear what somebody else wants to say, post again and let "us" know.

The fast legal advice is that the Court (at least in NY) takes the position that the first family comes first and the second family comes second. Just because your husband had more children does not mean he can shortchange or ignore his first family. Also, I'd tone it down a little if this goes to Court - "almost choking" is like "almost being pregnant." You either do/are or don't/aren't.

In the meantime as a counsellor you undoubtedly have professional connections. Ask them.
I found the razor blade in my baby's mouth. But typical in law- reactive, not preventative. Nobody does anything until someone actually dies and then they wonder what went wrong. I can see that is your viewpoint as well- in psychology it pays to see things coming down the pike and not let things happen that have a high chance of happening- again, it's called being preventative. Do I want to wait until something happens to my kids before I figure out she shouldn't be with us? Hell no. My obligation is to my kids- who are not at the age to protect themselves.

Was she court ordered not to be around small children? Like I said in my previous response...get her into a therapist and a medical specialist n they along with you can plan a course of action. She may need some help away from u and her father before she can come live with you full time. Like inpatient care. She is gona naturally defy u cus ur not her mother and until u show her she can trust u it'll be tough.
At this point we asked to see all documentation- we have police reports of her misdeeds (like beating up her mom and some things at school).

You're asking for legal advice - I gave it to you. You may not like it, you can call the profession reactive istead of preventative. Watch the 6 month old more closely. I don't know what else to tell you. As far as any other advice you receive that you find on target it's always helpful to see what else that person has posted in other forums. Gives you an idea concerning the advice you're being given.

Have your stepchild arrested and made a ward of the court, a juvenile in need of supervision. Then you and your husband can walk away.

Then when your natural children develop problems they can join her in the juvenile home.

And I HAVE to ask because I see this all the time - I'm in and out of Court. You have been disabled for a period, too ill to work - but you have a 6 month old child - ? I trust you aren't on SS Disability - ? If so I find this offensive. Having a child and raising a child is a LOT more work than a job outside the home.

I can't believe the judgment in this professional forum. Wow! When my "natural children develop problems and join her in Juvenile home". Yeah maybe if I don't keep the other child away from them. You work for the justice system, correct? The justice system decided many years ago after 4 visits to foster homes (we were never made aware of because my husband had no contact with ex by her request) AND mom has bi-polar and during one incident when child was 8 mom had to go in mental home because she threatened her kids with a knife- that's when we finally thought we had enough against mom to get custody, but no. That's a great justice system! At the time we had no kids, professional people with a very steady income and home life. And still the court system decided she should go back to her mom. The child had some issues then but we put her in counseling and had the time and resources to do so. Now that the issues are extreme mom doesn't even want her- basically she reaped what she sowed and somehow that's our fault. My husband was not involved earlier not by choice. We tried to intervene earlier and be preventative but court systems don't see it that way- always reacting when things are too late. Another child the mom had is in jail for 10 yrs (don't know what he did) but he was raised by her.

Friend of ours signed over his rights (or something like this) for his daughter after she threatened her stepmom with a knife, put a knife in the hands of their two yr old, and other things- that's why I inquired- somehow he "gave her up" basically. It sounds awful but you can't judge unless you've been in that situation. I trust you're not a mother to non-step children and I understand yours and othesr attitude for me. If I don't protect my own children from someone I know to be harmful then I am a bad mother, but if I don't help and take the other child then I am a bad mother so if I have to choose (and either way I'm a bad mom) then let me be a bad mom to one child rather than my two. Tell me how I could possibly be a good mom in either scenario. You'd take in someone violent in your home with kids? You make a great lawyer, bleeding heart liberal, but not a good mom.

Check your ADA (I've been in Human resources too) and then inquire whether it's your business about the details of my disability and whether I can have kids. I find that so offensive.

I can't believe the judgment in this professional forum.

First, I'm not sure what you mean by "professional forum"? This site is different from other Q&A sites, because we don't just answer questions. We deal with the whole situation.

Second, you made a mistake using the Reply with Quote feature. When you use that feature it quotes the post you press the button on. It appears you were reacting to a previous post but quoted from another post, thereby attacking another poster incorrectly. The situation just escalated from there.

Let me recap. Legally your husband can and should be held responsible for his daughter. Your initial post did not mention anything about your feelings of danger to your other children. Had you done so the reaction might have been different. So yes, if your step daughter is deemed a threat to younger children, then you don't have to accept her into your home, but your husband DOES still have responsibility for her.

So I suggest you understand the reaction to your posts and tone down the attitude, an apology is even in order. But I do understand your reaction, though it was more caused by your leaving out key info.

First, I'm not sure what you mean by "professional forum"? This site is different from other Q&A sites, because we don't just answer questions. We deal with the whole situation.

Second, you made a mistake using the Reply with Quote feature. When you use that feature it quotes the post you press the button on. It appears you were reacting to a previous post but quoted from another post, thereby attacking another poster incorrectly. The situation just escalated from there.

Let me recap. Legally your husband can and should be held responsible for his daughter. Your initial post did not mention anything about your feelings of danger to your other children. Had you done so the reaction might have been different. So yes, if your step daughter is deemed a threat to younger children, then you don't have to accept her into your home, but your husband DOES still have responsibility for her.

So I suggest you understand the reaction to your posts and tone down the attitude, an apology is even in order. But I do understand your reaction, though it was more caused by your leaving out key info.
ScottGem~ I did not use the reply with quote feature but I used the "reply" only. Am I to use the "quick answer" instead? Sorry I must be an idiot as this is my first time using this site. Probably the last after this experience.
I just wanted legal advice, didn't know I had to give out more personal info or how much info was necessary. Even after I gave out the info, others had attitude with me.

{Edited}


Appreciate you addressing me respectfully but I noticed the more personal info I gave out, the more others felt the need to attack me- I said I was disabled,

{Edited}

Finally getting back to original topic... then what responsibility does her mom have? She can leave but my husband can't? Wondering why mom is out of her obligations so easily. My husband has always paid child support.

Sorry, Different members have different interfaces. The Reply button does "quote" from the post you press it on. You can use the Quick Answer if you don't want to quote.

You do not have to give any personal information you don't want to. However, sometimes we do need to know more about you or the background to give the best advice. One of the advantages of using a site like this is that you are anonymous so giving personal info shouldn't be too much of a problem. But if you feel you don't want to give info, simply reply that you feel uncomfortable revealing too much.

I've edited out some of your last post (#21). I understand what you are saying, but I see no advantage in further exacerbating things. That was part of the purpose of my post. If you feel that a response has violated our rules or gone over the top, feel free to use the Report link and it will be reviewed.

Her mom has the same responsibilities. She should be held financially responsible, at least, for her child. If she just abandons the child, then the father can go to court to enforce her financial support.

You work for the justice system, correct?


I haven't quoted the rest of your post because it's more blog and less info leading to advice.

I don't work "for" the justice system. I work "in" the justice system. There's a difference. I see inequities, too. However, I feel no need to defend the judicial system OR explain what happened to you or your friends when I had no part in either the events leading up to legal intervention or the legal decisions. If you would like to address a specific situation where I played a part, I'm happy to talk about that. I’m sure you have no interest in defending all the counselors in the World. That’s how I feel about the legal profession.

Do I have an opinion when I know only what you've said and none of the other details? Nope.

As far as any other opinions I've offered, you posted anonymously on a public board - I would handle this no differently if you were standing in front of me and we were talking person to person. I personally have difficulty with people who are too disabled to work, including part-time, but not too disabled to bear children and raise them.

You don't have a problem with that. You are no less entitled to your opinion than I am to mine!

In NY - and I appreciate you are not in NY - the Court is currently taking the position (and this changes as the political climate changes) that the parents' primary responsibilities are to the first family. The second family comes second. Presumably the second wife/girlfriend realizes that there are other children out there, born before her children, and that those children are her husband's/boyfriend's responsibility, financially and emotionally.

So, again, get a good Attorney, declare the stepdaughter a person in need of supervision (or whatever the classification is wherever you are) and get her removed from your care/custody/control and made a ward of the State.

My sympathy is with your stepdaughter who neither asked to be born into this situation nor has any control over her own destiny at this point. She's now been labeled "bad," and she's really too young (and it's probably too late) to change that. She's cutting for a reason, probably because physical pain masks emotional pain, and no one sees or hears her.

JudyKayTee~ thanks for the legal advice... not so much for the opinions though.
Ihope for his daughter to learn to rise above her raising. Her mom has made an awful life for her and the court systems did nothing to protect her. Right now we talk about the daughter but if you knew or saw my 4yr old and baby, they need protection as well. His first daughter is old enough to choose her behavior. As a counselor we would see kids who became over- or under-responsible with a parent like hers. She has chose the latter. My husband came from an awful background and now has a steady job within the government, former marine (partially disabled from service but still works full-time). She can choose better for herself at least. I'm not someone who believes in being a product of your raising or environment- just excuses.
It's because people on here DON'T know the whole story is exactly why personal opinions and judgment should not be so easil disbursed.
Here's what you don't need to know so why tell you, hoping you will leave your opinions out next time you give advice to someone:
I hope my disability is temporary (or will go into remission) as medications I try may one day help it. I did not have it when my first child was born. After a miscarriage I found out I had it, but wanted another child. I was laid off during recession (I was in Human Resources at the time) then went on unemployment. Talked to Dr's about my illness and 90% get better in pregnancy and afterwards, 5% stay the same, and 5% get worse. Well, I got worse- what are the odds, right? If you want a child and 90% odds suggest you can get better, what's to hold you back? Sign me up! My mom helps out a lot. I despise people who live off the system until I had to walk a day in their shoes. Funny how judgment can work against us.

It's because people on here DON"T know the whole story is exactly why personal opinions and judgment should not be so easil disbursed.
Here's what you don't need to know so why tell you, hoping you will leave your opinions out next time you give advice to someone:



Please stop advising me how, when and where to post.

You have to legal answer (and then some). There is nothing left to say.

I'm asking that this thread be closed - it's helping no one.

It's because people on here DON"T know the whole story is exactly why personal opinions and judgment should not be so easil disbursed.


People come here and they want advice, generally quick advice. Very often people post and never return for follow-up. So we do need to make some judgments based on what they post. Sometimes it is too little to even respond so we ask for more info, sometimes we guess wrong.

I think our track record for giving quality advice is a lot better than other sites.

That being said, I'm not sure if there is anything else that we can help you with pertaining to your situation with your step daughter. If there is, feel free to ask. Otherwise we can just let this thread go dormant.