I'm 36 year old single mom to two girls.

My oldest child is 17 and I am having a hard time with her.

She used to be awesome, no issues with her at all... two years ago things started to change... problems with school, met new friends made a boyfriend, started smoking pot etc

My issue is that I have lost my daughter... She is just a shell of who she use to be.

I have taken her to see a therapist (she no longer goes) I have gone to parenting groups, I've talked with teachers, family and our doctor.

She is a very angry girl... and it's all towards me (Her dad has never really been involved in our lives since she was 6 months old)
She has broken windows, lamps, book shelves in my home from teen temper tantrums.
She literally gets in my face and calls me every name you can think of... from a C*** to a Retard.

She has ruined or damaged most of her positive relationships in her life... not just friends but also family.

I have done nothing but bent over backwards to help this girl, and the consent disrespect and verbal abuse is too much to bare.

I feel like I have just given up on her... I don't like to talk with her, see her or anything, I am uncomfortable and walking on egg shells with her.

She makes me second guess everything and makes me feel like a horrible mother... Any advise or reassurance that I will get my daughter back?

I'm here for you. Let's get things moving in your and your daughter's favor.

What happened with the counseling? How long did she go and to what type of counselor? Why did it stop? (I'm a counselor, so am especially interested.)

She just stopped going, it was in the hospital at the teen and adoselent mental health until.
She would just skip appointments and then just stopped going all together.
She went on and off for about a year... she doesn't want to talk she says.
I have given and tried many avenues for her and I to go down and I have exhusted all resources.
She is sooooooo angry at and with me... I'm not a perfect mom, but I am a good mom (or so I use to think)

Do you go to a counselor?

How did she get away with skipping appointments?

I have, but my benefits don't cover much... and I also have gone to a parent support group (I didn't like their take on parenting)

Shop around for a counselor (master's level is good) on a sliding scale. Many in private practice will work with you regarding payments. The township and county where you live will also provide a counselor you can afford.

What is your take on parenting (in 25 words or less)?

Okay, I will do that

My take on parenting...
I feel as a single parent by all accounts I am here to love and guide her, provide morals and values to her, teach her, prepare her for life...

It was so much easier when she was younger... I feel I am failing her

Has she gotten in with the wrong crowd, or is much of this coming out of her own head and heart?

I'm not sure what you mean when you say you have done "everything for her."

What about the parenting group did you object to?

Are you in the US? In a rural area or near civilization? She has stayed in school?

Her friends are not bad, her boyfriend and her I don't think are a good mix (I have not let that be known to her)

I don't know where it's coming from... one minute I'm a great mom and next I am ruining her life.

Everything as in, I am always there when she needs me, I have taken her to seek help for her and I, I have tried different was to approach her and deal with her, I have believed in her when she is lying to my face about serious things.

The parenting group was saying not to poke the bear... as in, if she doesn't clean her room or do the dishes... just do them, let it be... I'm a single Mom and I feel as a person you need to contribute to your family and have pride in your home, and I have told her, that I need help from her (dishes, cleaning up after herself ect) So I felt that having my daughter rule the house and make her own rules is not how I can live.

She has done horrible in school in the last two years... Grade 9 she was on the honor roll, grade 10, she only received 4 out of 8 credits and this year, grade 11 she received only 1.

She has this sense of entiltlement, and I feel that is something that needs to be earned.

You've set rules and boundaries, and she hasn't respected them? What's the punishment?

I have... I try to enstill punishment, but I can't... she just leaves or screams

I admit, I am guilty of not having proper punishment or consequences to her actions... but she takes advantage of me being a single parent and working full time and having a younger one to also tend to.

I am out of the house at 7am and not back until 5:30... I have no way of controlling things while at work.

I lock my bedroom door because she takes clothing (underwear included) uses my make up and leaves my room in an untidy manor... she called me at work this morning freaking on me... I'm at work... What do I do from here, I just simply said that it was my room and I am not engaging in a fight.

How did you get her into the mental health unit? What was gained, if anything?

(Sorry for all the questions, but it will help me and others who will chime in.)

Yes, I have set rules and boundries

Punishment is where I falter... I have a hard time keeping the punishment of grounding when I am out of the house from 7am to 5:30pm at work... she takes advantage of that.

I no longer drive her places, or buy her things... these things need to be earned... I can't seem to punish her, she just ups and leaves or screams and breaks things when I try to... This is where I am failing her, I am just so tired of the fighting.

Sorry... My post went weird on me... It showed my last one didn't go through

I got into the mental health unit through my doctor, and there was quite the waiting list, but it seemed to go pretty fast.

I thought it was working, and so did her therapist, and then she took steps backwards and stopped attending and only seemed to show up when she was in a crisis.

I had also seen her on my own, and my daughter talks a good game... but does not follow through, so nothing was gained from her aspect

If she is out of school for the summer and you are at work all day, the world is her oyster. My sil was in that situation, at work with two kids at home. Her 15 y/o daughter decided to make cookies and burned the house down.

Is there any day program you could get her into?

Haven't these counselors, etc. realized your daughter plays a "good" game and are willing to help you take bigger jumps to improve things for both of you?

I guess not... and it's something I have learned over time myself.

Like everyone else, I wanted to believe what she was telling me... I didn't want to think she was lying to me.

I believe she does have good intentions, but she has never followed through with them thus far.

Have you ever sat down with her during a quiet time and asked her what you can do differently?

If she is out of school for the summer and you are at work all day, the world is her oyster. My sil was in that situation, at work with two kids at home. Her 15 y/o daughter decided to make cookies and burned the house down.

Is there any day program you could get her into?

She starts a job today, and I have enrolled her in different activies that she just ends up quitting or skipping.

I'm hoping she will get lots of hours over the summer with this job, and I also hope she sticks to this job.

What's the job? Is she so far invested in it with her own interest?

She will be working in retail for a young woman's clothing store... I believe it's with her own interest... She knows I will not pay for her phone or certain things for her, so she needs the money...

You will see her when you get home? How will that go with you and her talking about the new job?

No I will not, She starts at 5:00 and she will be home after I am in bed.

Will you do your best to find a counselor in your area to help you figure this out?--how to deal with her, etc.

Leave her a short, sweet upbeat "proud of you" note somewhere where she will see it, like on the bathroom mirror.

Yes, I need one to talk with

That is a good idea... I will leave some sort of message for her for when she gets home.

Thank you

Please please please keep me (us) informed as to how this is going!

I will... This is and has been an ongoing issue in my house, and I appreciate all the feedback I get :)

. The best thing to do is to MAKE her see what she is doing to herself try to find people who have been through similar things let them tell her what will happen to her if she carries on with the drugs. Your going to be upset about her lashing outs, she's a teenager that needs a good lesson get her to do volunteer work in homeless shelters (if possible) then she can see she hasn't got it so bad. That's proberly what's she's thinks; life isn't fair my mums horrible all this stuff... Really you're a great mum and you haven't done any thing wrong, she got in the wrong crowd that's it. My older sister had similar trouble's she now has a daughter and is very happy. It will all work it's self out in the end. If your other daughter is old enough maybe they could have teenager chat, teenagers usually prefer to talk to their own kind. Good luck.

. The best thing to do is to MAKE her see what she is doing to herself try to find people who have been through similar things let them tell her what will happen to her if she carries on with the drugs. Your going to be upset about her lashing outs, shes a teenager that needs a good lesson get her to do volonteer work in homeless shelters (if possible) then she can see she hasn't got it so bad. That's proberly what's she's thinks; life isn't fair my mums horrible all this stuff... Really your a great mum and you haven't done any thing wrong, she got in the wrong crowd that's it. My older sister had similar trouble's she now has a daughter and is very happy. It will all work it's self out in the end. If your other daughter is old enough maybe they could have teenager chat, teenagers usually prefer to talk to their own kind. Good luck.

Thank you for the advise Louise, that's the kicker though... My ex (not her father) was an addict, and cause a lot of trumoil in the home, he is no longer a part of our lives but she saw first hand how an addict ruins their and people around them lives... I didn't think she would go this route because of this.
I too was a terrible teen and I talk to her about my choices and how they have had a life changing affect on me... I got pregnant at 18 (her being the baby) and I turned my life around... I want more and better for her, she sees me struggle finacially and how hard it is to be a single mom with no support from the Dad... This is why I don't understand the anger she has towards me.

How old is your other child, and is it a boy, or girl? How are they're grades, and behavior?

I think its time to let go and let her make her own mistakes, but tighten up the rules a bit, and enforce them. Do you have any male or females that are older, and trusted that can help you deal with this adult/child?

I have no doubt she like you, will only learn from her mistakes, so be prepared to kiss her boo boo, let her grow and fail. I agree that she should earn trust, and privileges, and OBEY the rules of the house, but if there are no consequences for bad behavior, what's the point?

You need some one to keep track when you are at work. Personally their would be no job without behavior you can trust in, and frankly who trusts a hard headed kid to do the right thing when they skip appointments at will?

Good grades, or no job, and find out about her friends and their parents, without her knowledge. She has no fear of you, or what you do, and that contributes to a lack of respect. You really need to parent from position of love, yes even tough love, not a position of fear that they won't like you.

Treat her like the wayward brat she is, and not the cute bright kids she was. I bet if several adults were on your side in putting the proper discipline in place with a loving boot up her azz, she wouldn't get away with this behavior, and you should have made that clear with her therapist from the outset.

If you cannot take control of your daughter, take control of your house, your life, and yourself.

Accept nothing less. Who cares if she is happy about it?

Your daughter is on the same path I was at that age. I got a boyfriend who smoked pot, started smoking myself, my grades dropped (because I would ditch class to smoke) and most of my relationships with friends and family both, were destroyed.

Was your daughter abused in anyway at any time in her life? (this isn't ALWAYS the case, but sometimes it can be) this would be a way of subconsciously acting out the feelings that come with that.

The best advice I can give you, is be there for her, continue to offer support, help, try to get her to get into counselling. It took me until well into adult hood to grow up and get over some of the immature adolescent behavior. It may take her time too.


And, though I don't agree with the laws, be wary of how you handle this. She is 17. You don't want to push too hard, or be SO strict that the second she is 18, she can walk out your door, and never come back. Always keep your door open (symbolic door) but also, don't let her walk all over you.
It's a hard balance. But at this age, you can't just keep enforcing the 'im the parent you're the child, do as I say' because its just not true any longer.

Oh and I did forget to mention, she lives in your house, and she should absolutely follow the rules, and if she does not, there should be consequences.

Your daughter is on the same path i was at that age. i got a boyfriend who smoked pot, started smoking myself, my grades dropped (because i would ditch class to smoke) and most of my relationships with friends and family both, were destroyed.

Was your daughter abused in anyway at any time in her life? (this isnt ALWAYS the case, but sometimes it can be) this would be a way of subconsciously acting out the feelings that come with that.

the best advice i can give you, is be there for her, continue to offer support, help, try to get her to get into counselling. it took me until well into adult hood to grow up and get over some of the immature adolescent behavior. it may take her time too.


and, though i dont agree with the laws, be wary of how you handle this. she is 17. you dont want to push too hard, or be SO strict that the second she is 18, she can walk out your door, and never come back. always keep your door open (symbolic door) but also, dont let her walk all over you.
its a hard balance. but at this age, you can't just keep enforcing the 'im the parent you're the child, do as i say' because its just not true any longer.

Oh and i did forget to mention, she lives in your house, and she should absolutely follow the rules, and if she does not, there should be consequences.

Thank you for the advise and sharing your experiences.
No abuse was with my daughter, but I was in a bad relationship with a man when she was about 8, and he abused drugs... It was a hard time for all of us.
I try to be the open door that she needs but it gets hard when I get the verbal abuse from her... at this point I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.
I have taken her to therapy, but she would never go and would miss appointments all the time, I have pointed and guided her in the right direction, but she needs to make the commintment.
But she knows and I tell her that no matter what I'm her Mom and I love her regardless and I will always be there for her.