My husband and I have been together for over 12 years/married for 11. We have a young child. I have been at home with our child all of her life.
About 2 years ago, I found out the he was having an affair. He said that it never turned physical. If nothing else, it was an emotional affair. Well, I took him back. He begged me stay and acknowledged that he messed up. I told him that there were certain things I needed from him in order for this to work. And for a while, things got so much better. I actually caught myself saying to a friend that maybe the affair was a blessing in disguise because we were closer than ever.
About 6 months ago, our lives began to fall apart. Lack of communication, compassion, etc.
Well, earlier this month, I found out he was still having an affair with this person and it has been going on for 3 years! I was shocked and devastated.
I knew we had some issues, but I never anticipated this. Especially after he saw what he did to me the first time around.
Let me say, that I love my husband. I love my family that we have built together.
I am having a real difficult time dealing with the betrayal and all of the emotions that come with something like this.
Unexpectedly, I am also having trouble letting go of this man that I have loved for most of my adult life. A HUGE part of me wants to try and get through this together. I just don't have any clue of how to do that. I just know that it is almost impossible to imagine my daily life with out him in it.
I guess my question is this...
Is there anyone out there that has been in my shoes and has seen the other side of this? Have you been able to keep your marriage in tact? If so, HOW DID YOU DO IT? I have so many questions for my husband - I need full disclosure to even determine if this relationship can be saved - I just don't know what the right questions are.
Can you ever truly trust again?

Quite honestly - I DOUBT it was never physical.

Here's the problem - the trust is broken - and seems to be liar. Not good. A BIG TIME LIAR!!

You could go to counseling - but I would only to that with an honest person.

This is the way I look at it - IF wanted to work o nthis he would have ended that affair. BUT, he didn't.

Why on earth be with a liar - a cheater who kept cheating - and someone you probably could NEVER fully trust - he kept the freaking affair GOING!! Hello?? He with another women.

This guy is having his cake and eating it too.

Personally - I see no reason to save this marriage - let it go.

How ca ngive an once of love to a liar and a cheater??

Get a good lawyer - yesterday.

I know I should leave. And I do have an attorney. I also know that after 3 years - I am sure it is physical.
I wish it was just as easy as cutting him loose. He and I are tied together forever. And before I rip my child's life to shreds, don't I have to make completely sure that everything has been done? :confused:
I don't know how to turn off the love I have for my husband. I am still trying to process all of this. Wrap my brain around it all. Myself worth has just left the building. I am questioning everything I do and everything I am.
Saying that I am confused is a HUGE understatment. I guess I am wondering if there is anyone that has been in my shoes and seen the other side with their marriage intact.
Is that even possible?

I know it's not easy.

But this guy totally has lied to you. He is with someone else. You're not tied together with him - because you actually don't know him really - for him to do this to you.

You will be so much happier with this guy - and he REALLY isn't someone you know.

He has ZERO respect for you. ZERO.

Yor self worht is to your kid... but that doesn't have to include him. And WHO brought you down? This loser - and that's wha the is.

There are a lot of grea tguys out there and he's is NOT one of them!

There is no rreason to stay with him. You want to stay with him as he poops on you and sees the other women? Now that's unhealthy.

AND why on earth do keep making excuses for this guy and why you should stay with him??

Lets make this perfectly clear...

1. He has bee cheating on you for THREE years. CHEATING.

2. He said he'd stop - yet he didn't.

You need TRUST and RESPECT in a relationship - you have neither.

The extent of his deceit is bad news.

Now, I'm not saying that a single one night stand is better... or maybe I am.

I mean, I'm committed to my wife and she is to me. But if I found out that on a business trip she had a little too much fun... yes, id be hurt like mad. Yes, id really have a hard time trusting her...

But you are talking about systematic, planned, premeditated deceit.

I really feel for you. A friend of my wife's went through a similar thing, only she found out just once, after a rough patch, that hed had a long term relationship out of town and they never patched it up again.

I know you're feeling the same things she went through. She WANTED to be married. To HIM. She never wanted a divorce, but she needed one. He moved on and married the other person. She is still sad that it all happened, but she knows now, 2 years later, that it was better to know and get on with her life, since he was already in the process of leaving her.

The time he is spending on this other relationship is time you were owed.

I cannot speak for someone else, let alone someone who would do such a thing. Maybe there can be reconciliation. I doubt it. I think he's "wired" differently and there's not a lot you can do when someone is so willing to go to such lengths to deceive.

If you are wanting to stay, and boy... that seems risky to me, obviously a counselor can help you get started. This thing is so big you probably need a third party to try to keep you both in line. Even if he's not interested, you might want to find someone to talk to about this.

I'm not a fan of running to a counselor all the time. I think it gets thrown around A LOT as an easy "answer". But there is a time and place for help. I think this is one for you.

I'm in a great marriage, but we had a period where we struggled with finances after a job change and a child was born. I tried to bear all the emotional weight myself and it almost crushed me. I became fundamentally depressed, but hid it pretty well from my wife. It was awful. In hindsight, I should have sought someone to confide in outside the marriage and friendships. Something to think about.

My stepdaughter and wife found a counselor at one point when the daughter was struggling with some things, and it honestly helped them both.

I'm inclined to feel like seeking help is a sign of weakness... that I should be able to deal with things myself... but it's a twisted way of thinking. Takes a strong person to seek the resources needed, when needed.

Hopefully others will chime in here. Most will probably say your relationship is terribly broken. In some ways, you don't even really know what your relationship even is... you have your perspective, but that has not been his reality, or even The Real Reality.

Sorry to hear this. Wish I had more to offer.

I think you want what you HAD. That seems to be gone.

Personally I bet you don't know him today. He can't be the same man. People change and he defintely has.

And I bet he won't go to a counslour right??

We have actually been to a counselor. It was the first time around. He has never been one for communication and asking him to talk about things with a complete stranger... well lets just say it didn't work for us.
Part of what has been said is right, I do want what I had. I guess I have rejection issues and this is just so hard to stomach. I mean, I have never been a big believer in divorce. I took my vows very seriously and I know he apparently didn't. I just need to make sure that my next step is the right one for me and my child.

You want what you 'thought' you had.

He's an immature little boy who can't talk to a 'stranger' in order to possibly fix your relationship---BUT he can talk to a stranger and eventually blab all of his 'personal' stuff to her... and have sex with her too. Good Grief! He needs to GROW UP! And you're just allowing him to be like this because you're accepting his excuses and passing them on.

What about you? I'm sure you didn't feel the need to go out and mess around... why didn't you do it? Is it because you are an adult who takes her marriage, family and her moral values seriously?

You keep accepting him back and accepting his behavior, he's going to keep doing it. You need to put your foot down and issue an ultimatum. He can either be a husband and a father or he can leave and be 'single guy'--but he can't do both.

If he decides to stay, you'll have to deal with the fact that he's done what he's done and move forward. Obviously you're going to have trust issues--it up to him to fix those by regaining your trust and doing what's right by you and your child. If he decides to leave, you know that he was never going to become the man you had hoped he could be and you'll be able to move on with your dignity intact.

The biggest thing to remember in all of this is--HE IS THE LOSER, not you.

BTW--The best revenge is living well... take it from someone who knows.

Once a cheater always a cheater...

I feel horrible for you. I'm so sorry that this is happening. It's hard enough to hear it the first time but to take a 2nd blow that was even harder than the first is 10 times as bad.

So what do you do now? I think right now you put your life in order. You accept the fact that a marriage could be saved if the other half was honest, respectable and wanted to save the marriage. The truth is he's neither of those things. Would you really consider trying it a 3rd time? Don't teach your child to be treated with such disrespect and lack of consideration. Don't teach your child that it's okay to stick around when you're being lied to and cheated on and made a fool of. This man has no conscience. He was only sorry because he got caught, but he never had any true remorse, or he would have ended it and done whatever it took to never do it again.

It will be hard. But it should be even harder to stay with a male who has so little consideration for his wife and his child. It should be harder to stay with a male who puts himself first, no matter the costs. Personally, a male like that completely and totally disgusts me, his actions are repulsive.

Make sure your lawyer is THE BEST. If you ever spent lots of money on something, this needs to be it. The gloves need to come off. Bet your life that he will try to change your mind, cry, beg and swear that he will change and that this time it will really be over. It isn't true. Not a word. People like him and his girlfriend need to accept responsibility and be accountable for the damage they've done. If you don't fight for your own dignity, he will continue to do it to you and others. Has he had a child with her yet, that you know of? I hate to bring that up, but it's always a big possibility. Be strong and true to yourself and your child.

Some of what I'm going to add has been stated already, esp by momincali's advice...

First, you are not a fool for trying and wanting to make this marriage work. Bad things can happen in a marriage, deliberate or by chance, and I have great respect for those who try to honor their vows and are willing to work through some really ugly times.

I think when he cheated on you first, you were absolutely reasonable in your actions. You sought help. You gave the marriage and him a chance. And you did it with all your heart. You did your part.

Now you still want the marriage to work... but, as mentioned, you don't even really know what the marriage is from his side.

I just can't imagine telling someone to try a third time, especially after such designed deception. But no one can really decide for you when its time to walk away. Most of us would say its time.

My brother-in-law is going through a bad divorce. He has cheated on his wife more than once. He has betrayed her financially and emotionally. She made some judgement mistakes along the way too, but never anything that compromised her vows.

After a dozen years of marriage, she has finally decided she can live a more stable life without him. I can tell you she ABSOLUTELY never imagined her life without him, and doesnt want this. But she knows she needs it. The turmoil he's introduced into her life also envelops her children.

You seem to be where she was a year ago. Wanting to be with the man he COULD have been, but not willing to live with the man he IS right now.

Sad thing is, sometimes the man (or woman) who has done wrong becomes the person they needed to be after a divorce. They suddenly become the attentive parent or caring partner because they know what they've lost. This makes the other partner crazy, because had they been this person all along the marriage would have been intact.

I'm glad you sought help before. I still think some outlet to talk to someone will be important, no matter what path you take. You know you're going to be dealing with much of this for some time.

I am so lost right now. The logical side of my brain is not chiming in right now. Most of everything that has been said here makes sense to me and things that I have thought about when I first found out.
The emotional side of my brain is taking over. We were supposed to be together until death do us part. I wasn't supposed to be divorced or a single mom. Not all of our times were bad. I have to hold on to that.
I wish there was a clear cut answer but it just isn't like that. If I could take the emotion out of it, then I think I would know what to do. But, I have loved this man for so long, my mind and heart doesn't know how to do anything different.
Is it possible for a good man to make a mistake and then learn from that mistake? Or since he has crossed the line he can never go back? I just so confused ALL THE TIME! With all of this, I love him and I don't know how to turn it off.

I think its time for a serious talk with him about what he wants.

Can you find a way to sit down with him, and as calmly as you can, get him to open up with what he's been thinking.

He probably has a lot to say... and it might take you really restraining yourself... but maybe if you tell him "here is your chance to explain what youve been feeling" maybe you can better understand.

Ultimately, it makes no difference how badly you want the relationship. He's got to want it as badly. Really, more at this point.

If, after all of this, he isn't working like hell to keep you, if he's not acting like hes about to lose the love of his life, then he's just coasting.

I have been in your shoes. My husband cheated on me, we had a daughter who was just a baby at the time. He admitted he had been seeing this other girl, but denied any sexual involvement. We rekindled our relationship, and I fell pregnant with our son. It was as this point I found out they were still together, in fact she had left him because I fell pregnant, he had told her we just lived toether for our child, obviously got caught out by us having another baby together. We decided to stay together, I didn't want to be a single mum, and I didn't want to lose him. Our son was born, we were OK, not perfect but OK. Our son was just 4 months old when I found out he had got himself another girlfriend. It had to end there. It is terrifying being in this situation, I loved my husband, and couldn't imagine my life without him. But I knew I could never trust him again, and what is a relationship without trust? Dead. I took my ows very seriously, but he just didn't. I honestly don't think someone who cheats, especially in the way your husband has, can ever be trusted again. If he loved you, and was sorry for what he had done, he wouldn't have carried on doing it. I don't think you can cheat on someone you love, I know I couldn't hurt someone I love in that way. There is life the other side of this. I am now getting divorced, though my soon to be ex husband and I are now re building a friendship, for the sake of the kids really. I have a new partner, who I have been with for two years now, and I can honestly say I have never been happier. There is life after all of this. But it's a terrible time to be in. I hope you are OK.

Is it possible for a good man to make a mistake and then learn from that mistake? Or since he has crossed the line he can never go back? I just so confused ALL THE TIME! With all of this, I love him and I don't know how to turn it off.


Yes--it is possible. But, you also have to ask yourself if it's possible for you to live with a man who's done this. Ultimately, you're the one who will have to look at him each and everyday, with the knowlegde that he hurt you in such a way. You'll also have to deal with it without throwing it back in his face every time you get angry or upset or you're feeling bad about things.

I can't tell you what to do, no one can. It's a decision you have to make. Everyone has a different way of dealing with this kind of stuff... and it's funny, but a lot of people who say they'd never forgive an affair will forgive when they're actually faced with it. And, some people who say that they would, can't when they're faced with the harsh reality of it actually happening.

You need to figure it out yourself--is this marriage WORTH salvaging? Is he really willing to do what it takes to save it? It's not a decision that you can make in a few minutes or even a few days... it may take you a while to weigh out the pro and cons.

You know, you asked if its possible for a good man to make a mistake and then learn from it. Yes. It is. Good men don't mean they are perfect men, they fall like everyone else. They realize their mistakes and learn so as not to cause more pain.

Your husband, however, didn't make a mistake, he made a choice. A very poor, self-centered one. He made the same choice, twice, that you know of. His actions are flawed because his character is flawed. Now, who doesn't have a flaw in their character? No one I know. But the degree of his selfishness is hurting people. You, your child, his family, your family, and in a matter of time, this person he's having the affair with because in all likelihood, he will cheat on her eventually.

The confusion you feel is normal. Emotions love to take the lead and it's done easily because we allow it. But, sometimes our emotions can get us into a heap of trouble and lead us down the wrong path. No one can tell you what to do. You have all the facts, your instincts (not emotions) are telling you whether this guy is trustworthy, you have to make the ultimate decision.

Robyn brought up a good point. Can you live with someone who has done this to you, twice? If you leave, you will miss him and be sad and feel cheated and frustrated that things turned out this way. Marriage is supposed to be forever, you kept your end of the bargain, why didn't he?

But what will it be like if you stay? Who knows? Will you constantly be suspicious of him? Wondering where he is? Who he's with? What he's doing? Is he really where he said he is/was? Is he really going to stay or will he eventually leave, even though you gave him another chance? Will you be thinking of him when you're intimate, or her? These are difficult things to consider but they can't be ignored.

I'm not trying to hurt you with this, but I really do want you to give this some serious, truthful consideration. Then, and only then, will you know you made the right choice.

I think in this situation it is hard to leave emotions out of it but you have to make sure you are leaning on the right emotions. Rejection is hard but you were not rejected. He wants you but he wants you and your child and have a woman on the side. Is that the life you want because no matter what you say or do some men always have the wandering eye but only a lying deceitful guy goes through with that and only someone even worse can keep it from his wife for 3 years and try to hide every trail.

THink about for 3 years he had another woman, you don't think every action, every step he took he didn't think how you will find out. I am sure he even used your child as an excuse to go see her. He is not the person you married and nor will he ever be. As hard as it is to end it with someone because he is safe and predictable in your eyes, he isn't. You may have had 12 years with this guy and we don't even need to bring up anything he did anymore. You know what he was wrong and total lack of respect for you.

What you need to realize is this is a break you need. This is your chance to give your child a good life and teach them what life is about and spend time with them. Leave him and don't look at it like you are starting your life over because you aren't. You are just removing one person out of your life. ONE PERSON!! You may look at divorce as something not wholly and until death but I don't think there is also something else written saying until death even if the guy cheats and just hang out because the papers say we are married.

You are a great woman and have a beautiful young daughter and I am sure other things outside of this man. End it, get it over with him now. He can see his daughter and maybe one day you can be civil but you aren't ready for that there are too many feelings involved.

Here is one last thing: Let's say your daughter grows up and is in your situation with a child and her husband cheats on her and has a relationship behind her back for 3 years after he knows how much it hurt when she found out the first time. What kind of advice would you give her? Would you tell her to hang on for the sake of the child or would you tell her do what's best for you not what's best for anyone else. Get a support staff that you can TRUST beacause they are the ones that can get you through not a lying cheating manipulative BOY because he is sure as hell aint' a man.

Now What, I feel so sorry for both yourself and your child, and truly prayer that the best outcome is achieved.
In this instance the best outcome must be for YOURSELF (and little one), not husband.
Don't feel bad about wanting to work through this, those sentiments emphasis how good a person you are, and even more so demonstrate how unfair and unjust this situation is.
Would not feel to give any mass advice on marriage, but feel your trust has been abused which is unforgivable. What advice would you give to someone else on this instance ? I have often found the answer to that question is the best answer to all your problems.
Take care, and keep your chin up YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG.

The trouble with cheating is it requires lies and until a liar clears up all lying at the source, you can't and really shouldn't trust them for anything, never mind your heart and soul. Lying is a total destroyer of all the good stuff: trust, intimacy, stability, respect, honor. My guess is you see what you need already --- "I need full disclosure to even determine if this relationship can be saved" ---- and you may already have an idea of how unlikely you are to get it. Don't start now by joining him in some strange way and begin to lie to yourself here. You have a child to raise who needs role models of what honest adults look like.

I know you are hurting.

He is not.

I have seen many women take men back after affairs and it rarely works.

The part I HATE to tell you, the odds are there's more. More information you do not want.

Your main question is how to keep the marriage intact. I would say not many. Maybe... maybe a marriage that could survive this would be one with long term respectful friendship that was once great and lost passion and went awry. Anyway, this does not appear to be that.

This is NOT a time to put him on trial at home. It'll torture him and you. It's time to get counseling or maybe a trial separation. That's the only way to reach him and see what he's made of - and it may all just be lies. BE GLAD YOU KNOW NOW.

I feel like I am living in a bubble. Holding on to the life I thought I once had. He is still in our home and things seem normal. Kind of like the calm before the storm. We play games with our daughter, have dinner as a family - those kinds of things. I have an appointment with my attorney this morning and I am truly afraid. Everything that is being said here makes perfect sense to me. And I did believe that "once a cheater, always a cheater" Until it happened to me. I never thought my husband was capable of inflicting so much hurt on me.
You know, I had trust issues before any of this ever happened. Every man/boy that I had ever dated before I met my husband cheated on me. EVERY LAST ONE! I am really looking into myself and wondering what it is about me that makes people think they can do this to me. Am I stupid? Not good enough? Ugly? What is it??
And now, to have it happening with the person I have given 100% of myself and heart to, it's too much. I feel like someone is sitting on my chest and I can't breath and I want the pain to stop. I want my husband back - the man I thought he was. And a part of me knows that that may never be possible because that person is gone.
But, I have always tried to see the good in everyone - look for a silver lining in every situtation - that is who I am - and I am desperatly trying to find that now.
I know that I must sound so dumb to all of you - I am just trying to make sense of something that is so foreign to me. So I am sorry if I contiune to ramble.

I have never been emotionally unstable, I handle what life throws at me and I move on, but now, I cry all the time. I can't identify my thoughts as to what is real and what is fantasy. I am a broken - lost person.

Hi there, you sound like such a good person and you are blaming something lacking in you that has made him do this terrible thing. Please try not to. You are still the same person you always was, and it's time to be nice to yourself.

I understand your pain, and whatever you decide to do it will be a long hard road. What happens when people lie is that more lies emerge at regular intervals that hurt just as much as the first lie.

I have finally managed to put my pain to rest by cutting my husband out of my life. It's the only thing that has worked for me, the only thing to heal me and my pain.
Good luck. X

You are living in a bubble, but it needs to be the bubble of self protection. While this an understandably very hard time for you, it is also a very important time too. You are facing really big stuff here, about your partner, about yourself, about how it all works. That is never easy for anyone. I commend you for the courage I hear in your posts here and I would bet you don't as yet fully realise how brave you are even being. I say bravo to you in the meantime, until you catch up to yourself.

Look to the trustworthy people in your life for support right now. Allow yourself to ask for help where you need it. Make sure your difficult decisions are based in reality. I want to remind you that you won't always feel this way and that in the long run you can and likely will learn and grow so you emerge a better version of you. You might not be able to take him with you but that is really his choice and hard though it is, it must be honored. I am so sorry for yor loss.

This isn't a good time for you to try and handle this alone. I don't know if you believe in God, but if you do, now more than ever is the time to reach out to him, take hold of his hand and don't let go. If you believe in God, than you know that he is in control. He will not give us more than we can handle. He is forever faithful. If you have family and close friends, don't be afraid to lean on them and ask them for help. Would you want to be there for a friend going through this? Of course you would. Would you feel it a burden? Maybe, but you would want to be there with her nonetheless. A good friend will help you and be there for you through hard times and happiness.

Like Val said, you won't always feel this way, even though right now this pain seems eternal, it will pass. Your child is observing everything, even if you play nice right now, they can't be underestimated, so for your sake as well as hers, do what you must to gain composure. Remember that through this all, you're not alone, and you're blessed with the love and companionship of your child.

Well, I have made a decision. And judging by the posts, it may not be a popular one. I have decided to stay with my husband. We were able to sit down and get EVERYTHING out on the table. He is willing to do whatever it takes to get this mess behind us.
I believe him.
I know it isn't what most people would do, but I feel like it is the right choice for me and our family.
I have prayed so much for God to give clarity and guidance and I believe He has. Even though most everyone in my life told me I should leave, my heart was screaming STAY!

So, I am following my heart. I appreciate all of your thoughts on this subject and I now ask for your prayers that this does work out.

Good for you for making a decision and good for him for coming clean too. Don't hestitate to seek third party help in the healing of your marriage should you need it-- from your pastor or a marriage counselor. This is not always so easy to heal, just the two of you. Good luck and many blessings to you both.

Well - I don't believe him one bit. He doesn't want to lose his family.

He's proven with out a doubt to be liar.

And he's a cheater - My old saying - once a cheater, always a cheater. I quite sure his affair will continue.

Quite frankly - oyu gave this man his chances all ready. I'll be blunt - your crazy and unfortunately will have more great sorrow from this man.

He wants his cake and eat it too - and you serve it up to him. He walks all over you and has never respected you.

I DO think some people take sick pleasure in pain. I've seen it many times.

I cannot in good conscience recommend staying with some one who has done what he has, and is contrite only when caught. May I suggest a month or two of him Getting away from you to get the clarity you so badly need before you give him another chance. You need to get the emotions under control to make a good decision, and he needs to know the consequences of his actions up front and personal. This may not change his behavior or your mind, but I think the time alone without him around would be of a great benefit to you at this time. Its not fair that you just roll over and let him stay again

I don't feel like I am rolling over. I feel like I am fighting. Fighting for my life. My family. I know I am not the offender here and most of the work has to come from him inorder to make this thing work. But, I love my family, the family he and I have created, and I am not prepared to lose it. I am not prepared to just give it away. I am choosing to FIGHT. He is actually seeking counseling - which if you have read my past posts, he really has trouble communicating with people and he wants to do this and try to mend what he has broken. And because of that, I feel like this can work. When we went to counseling before, he wasn't committed to it, therefore, it didn't help us.
He is realizing that he has issues with how he thinks and reacts and communicates with other people and he knows that if he doesn't change that - he loses everything.
I just can't give up now. Even though (I can hear you thinking it before I even type this) most will say - he gave up on us a long time ago. I, ME, I can not give up - I want my life back, and I going to get it.

Against popular opinion, I'm with you on this one NowWhat.

I think it's very easy to look at our own experiences and tell someone what to do based upon our own thoughts and feelings. But none of us know you, none of us know your husband and none of us know exactly what your relationship has been.

You came here and brought up what was wrong in your relationship, but I can't imagine that everything has been bad (or good--relationships have their ups and downs). If you know your man, and you know when he's being straight up with you, and you believe him when he says he wants to make your relationship work--then you are making the right decision.

I honestly do not believe that a person who has cheated can never be faithful, I also know that sometimes a relationship can also become stronger and better after something like this. It just depends upon the two people involved and their love for one another and their sincerity in working together to have a good, lasting relationship.

If I can give you one piece of advice it would be to move forward. If he's laid it all out for you and you know why he did it (most likely it wasn't you--it was something to do with him), you have your starting point. I'm not saying that you should reinvest all of your trust in him... he doesn't deserve it at this point. However, if he is really willing and able to make this marriage work, he will do what it takes to regain your trust. He can't get mad at you for the lack of trust, you are not the one who took it, he did. By the same token, you can't throw it in his face every time you get upset with him, don't use it as a weapon (no matter how hard it will be to resist doing that). Neither of you can go back and change the past, so it's not worth dwelling on--especially when it interferes with the present and the future.

I'm actually happy for you, I'm glad that you care enough about yourself (you not willing to give up without a fight), your husband (you love him enough to work through this), your marriage and your family (these things mean enough to you to do what you think is right to save them, you're not a quitter). I really hope you and your husband can find the way back to what you both wanted in the beginning, I hope that you come back here in a year or two and tell us how great your marriage is and that you and your husband are happy.

Good Luck...

NowWhat, please update us. How are you doing? How is your marriage coming along?

Well, We are working it out. It is a long road - the one getting out of Hell - but we are doing it. We are making an effort to spend just us time. We talk.

I have my days where the anger/betrayal enter and play with my head. I don't think that will go away just because I want it to. He still gets on my nerves sometimes - but I don't think that is abnormal.

He has made a true effort - like never before.
I have often said that getting flowers on your birthday is nice - but getting them because it's Tuesday is even better.
Well, he listened. One Tuesday, out of the blue, I got flowers for the first time. I think I cried. He bought me a new car (I needed one). I had driven this thing about 2 months prior (when I thought I was one foot out the door) - he remembered I liked it and just came home with it. I was so in love with him that day. It was such a great thing and out of character. I know he is trying.

Are we "fixed"? No. Not yet, but, today - I am happy with my decision. And all I can do is live a day at a time.

You are saying that he has made a true effort like never before, how? You thought he was making an effort before as well when you thought he had ended the affair and found out a year later that he didn't. I understand material things may get in the way, but what type of emotional and honest effort is he making other than buying you things? Is he going to counseling? I don't mean to ruin your day. You seem like such a nice woman who shouldn't be settling for anyone less than what you diserve. Please just keep your eyes open and don't let the material things blind you. Good luck and God Bless...

You also said that you followed your heart in this one, which is what a lot of us do. However, what does your gut instinct say? I have learned in my life that our gut is always right. There have been many times that I followed my heart but my gut was saying "NO NO". Its an internal battle but deep down inside (your gut) you know what's right for you.

Trust me, he isn't buying my love. It's not the "things" he bought. It's the fact that he thought about me - went and did something that he knew I would like. He paid attention. He made an effort.


He is going to counseling. I am proud of him for that. He is learning how to communicate. We talk about things now. He would rather keep to himself. But, he has put himself out of his comfort zone and is making an effort.
That is what is different than before.

I don't need reminding of my history. I know full well what happened. How I felt. I think about that every day. EVERY DAY. If it were to happen again - I don't know that I could survive. I almost didn't this time. But, I can't live that way. I am happy today. I was happy yesterday and the days before it. I have to live on FAITH that I will be happy tomorrow.

Everything inside me said I needed to stay. Once the anger was gone - or not so upfront - I could not imagine my life with out him in it. I don't know how to NOT love him. I don't know how to get through a day with out him.
I talked to God A lot and I feel like this is where I am supposed to be.

It isn't what most people would do. It isn't something most can understand. I get that. But, this is what is working for me. If it backfires - well, what can I say - shame on me?
Like I said, I am not going to live that way. I made a choice, and I am living with that choice - Happily.

I know I should leave. And I do have an attorney. I also know that after 3 years - I am sure it is physical.
I wish it was just as easy as cutting him loose. He and I are tied together forever. And before I rip my child's life to shreds, don't I have to make completely sure that everything has been done? :confused:
I don't know how to turn off the love I have for my husband. I am still trying to process all of this. Wrap my brain around it all. My self worth has just left the building. I am questioning everything I do and everything I am.
saying that I am confused is a HUGE understatment. I guess I am wondering if there is anyone that has been in my shoes and seen the other side with their marriage intact.
Is that even possible?


Don't even start to blame yourself for his unfaithfulness. It's not your fault that he strayed. And if he tries to turn it around on you then it's just his way of making himself feel better about it, like it wasn't his fault. You're the victim. And if he can't or won't go to counseling with you then obviously he doesn't want the help. I'd look at that a little closer also. If he was truly sorry for what he's done and wants the life with you that he promised years ago then he'll do whatever he can to make it as right as possible. There will always be trust issues though. Always. Things might start to look like their getting better but then something will happen and wham! You'll wonder if he's at it again. It could be anything, like he's gone 20 minutes longer than he should be, he gets a phone call that you don't know who it was, and you'll start to wonder if it's another woman. And all of this will reflect right onto your little girl. Remember that. You might think that staying with him will be better for her but in the long run it will only hurt her more. Think about this long and hard. Letting go is very hard, but sometimes you just have to say goodbye.

Trust me, he isn't buying my love. It's not the "things" he bought. It's the fact that he thought about me - went and did something that he knew I would like. He paid attention. He made an effort.

You said its not the things he bought, but in your previous post all you talk about is how he bought you flowers and a new car and it made you fall in love with him again.


He is going to counseling. I am proud of him for that. He is learning how to communicate. We talk about things now. He would rather keep to himself. But, he has put himself out of his comfort zone and is making an effort.
That is what is different than before.
I am glad hes going to counseling. I hope it helps your marriage and makes him a better person.
I don't need reminding of my history. I know full well what happened. How I felt. I think about that every day. EVERY DAY. If it were to happen again - I don't know that I could survive. I almost didn't this time. But, I can't live that way. I am happy today. I was happy yesterday and the days before it. I have to live on FAITH that I will be happy tomorrow.

You don't need anyone to survive, you only need God and yourself. I wish you the best of luck.

Inspired agrees: Good advise, but I dont think she is thinking about her daughter and how it will effect her. She is only thinking about her own happiness. its unfortunate

You are totally off base here. I wasn't only considering myself when I made my decision - I considered my daughter. I made the choice for my family not just myself.
Every decision I make - I consider my daughter and what it would do to her.
I have committed my life to my family. To say that I made a selfish decision - that I put myself in front of my daughter - that is wrong. I fight for my family - how is that selfish?

I took my vows seriously. Even if my husband broke his - I still hold mine and honor mine. Good times and bad. I made a promise before God and I have every intention to keep that promise.
It may seem so crazy for someone outside, looking in to think that decision I made was the right one. But, it isn't anyone else's decision. I did what I thought was right.

Don't even start to blame yourself for his unfaithfulness. It's not your fault that he strayed. And if he tries to turn it around on you then it's just his way of making himself feel better about it, like it wasn't his fault. You're the victim. And if he can't or won't go to counseling with you then obviously he doesn't want the help. I'd look at that a little closer also. If he was truly sorry for what he's done and wants the life with you that he promised years ago then he'll do whatever he can to make it as right as possible. There will always be trust issues though. Always. Things might start to look like their getting better but then something will happen and wham! you'll wonder if he's at it again. It could be anything, like he's gone 20 minutes longer than he should be, he gets a phone call that you don't know who it was, and you'll start to wonder if it's another woman. And all of this will reflect right onto your little girl. Remember that. You might think that staying with him will be better for her but in the long run it will only hurt her more. Think about this long and hard. Letting go is very hard, but sometimes you just have to say goodbye.

I don't blame myself - anymore. I know that HE did this - not me. He is doing what he needs to do to make this right. He goes to counseling. He opens up. He does make the effort.

And the trust issues - I am fully aware of what you are saying. The wound is still there. It wasn't just erased by deciding to work this out. Somedays this whole mess feels like a lifetime ago, when in reality it was just a few short months. So, if you want to know if I trust him yet - the answer is NO. I would be lying if I said that I don't think about everything you just detailed. But, isn't that the healing process? Does it just go away? I don't think so. Trust has to be earned. And he is doing what he needs to do to earn the trust. But - it does take time. In time, I think the trust will return. The doubts will go away. Will it be or is it easy? No, of course not. But, we are working on it.

I hope you keep working, and he gets it, and starts being a man. Time and work does wonders if you both are willing. Much Luck!!

I don't blame myself - anymore. I know that HE did this - not me. He is doing what he needs to do to make this right. He goes to counseling. He opens up. He does make the effort.

And the trust issues - I am fully aware of what you are saying. The wound is still there. It wasn't just erased by deciding to work this out. Some days this whole mess feels like a lifetime ago, when in reality it was just a few short months. So, if you want to know if I trust him yet - the answer is NO. I would be lying if I said that I don't think about everything you just detailed. But, isn't that the healing process? Does it just go away? I don't think so. Trust has to be earned. And he is doing what he needs to do to earn the trust. But - it does take time. In time, I think the trust will return. The doubts will go away. Will it be or is it easy? No, of course not. But, we are working on it.


Ya know, the term "once a cheater, always a cheater" isn't always necessarily true. I've cheated on an ex, would I ever cheat again? H*ll no! I saw what it did to him and I'd never want to do it to someone again, also, I was cheated on by two ex bf's (that I know of) and I know what it did to me.
Also, I think there's a fine line between dumping the cheater or staying with them. I think, honestly, if my boyfriend ever cheated on me, it would depend on the situation though, that I might stay with him... It's a tricky situation though. Cause like you said, you said "I Do" and it meant forever,you're not about to back down (something along those lines anyway.. close enough) But let's just say that one night my boyfriend ended up messing around with another woman, came right to me and told me about it and he was honestly, sincerely sorry, crying, and whatnot, and that he'd make an honest effort to regain my trust and prove to me how sorry he was and that he'd never do it again then yes, maybe I'd stay with him. But then if he cheated again... I'd be gone... No doubt about it.
I don't know. All I know is that there would be a lot of factors to look at, a lot of trust to be earned and a lot of memories to push back far into your head to make it work.

I just really truly hope that I never have to deal with this.

Everything inside me said I needed to stay. Once the anger was gone - or not so upfront - I could not imagine my life with out him in it. I don't know how to NOT love him. I don't know how to get through a day with out him.
I talked to God ALOT and I feel like this is where I am supposed to be.

It isn't what most people would do. It isn't something most can understand. I get that. But, this is what is working for me. If it backfires - well, what can I say - shame on me?
Like I said, I am not going to live that way. I made a choice, and I am living with that choice - Happily.

Glad to hear you say you're not trying to handle this alone because you've spoken to God a lot. Keep doing that. Even when you think he isn't listening or not around, because he always is. And pray that you do God's will and not your own. Wishing you the best.

Thank you so much. When I saw a message popped up on this thread - I was waiting to be blasted for my decision. So, thank you for your kind words. :)

I give you a lot of props for trying to work things out. I've always thought that getting back with someone who cheated on you was like putting a broken glass together- the cracks are still there. But maybe it's different once you've been married and have had children together. Hopefully this time around you don't look foolish and it works out for the best. I'm curious to know though, has he completely eliminated this woman out of his life?

Yes. She is gone. They no longer work together.
To say that it isn't hard to get past something like this would be lying. I have my days where I let insecurities in - but it is getting better.

My husband and I have been together for over 12 years/married for 11. we have a young child. I have been at home with our child all of her life.
About 2 years ago, I found out the he was having an affair. He said that it never turned physical. If nothing else, it was an emotional affair. Well, I took him back. He begged me stay and acknowledged that he messed up. I told him that there were certain things I needed from him in order for this to work. And for a while, things got so much better. I actually caught myself saying to a friend that maybe the affair was a blessing in disguise because we were closer than ever.
About 6 months ago, our lives began to fall apart. Lack of communication, compassion, etc.
Well, earlier this month, I found out he was still having an affair with this person and it has been going on for 3 years! I was shocked and devastated.
I knew we had some issues, but I never anticipated this. Especially after he saw what he did to me the first time around.
Let me say, that I love my husband. I love my family that we have built together.
I am having a real difficult time dealing with the betrayal and all of the emotions that come with something like this.
Unexpectedly, I am also having trouble letting go of this man that I have loved for most of my adult life. A HUGE part of me wants to try and get through this together. I just don't have any clue of how to do that. I just know that it is almost impossible to imagine my daily life with out him in it.
I guess my question is this...
Is there anyone out there that has been in my shoes and has seen the other side of this? Have you been able to keep your marriage in tact? If so, HOW DID YOU DO IT? I have so many questions for my husband - I need full disclosure to even determine if this relationship can be saved - I just don't know what the right questions are.
Can you ever truly trust again?
I read your question today and I realize it was more than year ago ,I am in similar situation Iam tormented and confused and do not know what to do,I wanted to know which path did you choose and what made you choose it and how are you doing after a year or so...

The path I chose was to stick with it. IT is a hard road. I am not going to sit here and say that it is not hard, that everything is roses all the time. It's not.
It does get easier though.
I had to set some ground rules as to what I expected from him if we were going to work this out. Things like calling me to let me know when he was on his way home. If he is going to be late - I expect a call. Common courtesy things.
I don't want to police him - but I expect certain things. He is not a talker - but rather than him just sitting there and not saying anything - we have to communicate.

Why, you ask, did I choose this? Well, for starters, I have a child with this man. We have a family. My daughter is extremely close with her father. It would have destroyed her world if we had broken up. It would have changed her forever.
Also, I love this man. I made a vow to him for better or worse. I, obviously, hate what he did. But, I could not imagine my life with out him in it. I had to decide what I could live with. Could I live with the knowledge of what he did? Was it going to hurt less by leaving? Could I live with knowing that, by leaving, my child's life is forever changed? The fact is whether I stayed or left - I was still going to hurt. I chose to stay and fight for my marriage and my family.

Trust takes time to build back. It is a long road, but I think I made the right choice for me and my family. A lot of people don't agree with my choice because they think I have set myself up to fail, to go through this hell again. It almost killed me, literally. I could not function. Everyone knows that if it does happen again - I may not survive. But I can't live like that. I could die tomorrow - who knows. I am not going to live my life on the "what if's". I am controlling my today.

My husband has made the effort. He does everyday. We have made changes in our life. We are happy. I didn't think I would ever say that again when I posted this over a year ago. But I am GLAD I stayed. It is what worked for me.

I know what you are feeling. It is a terrible, awful feeling. I don't wish it on anyone.

You have to decide what you can live with. Decide if there is anything there left to save. Decide what you want in order to move forward - if that is the direction you go.
Someone may ask you if you think you can ever trust him again. And to be honest, I think that is an impossible to answer right now. Because it seems like you never will - but trust does come back. Not over night. Not in a month. But it does come back little by little.

I don't want you to think that I don't think about the affair or that I have completely put it out of my mind - it isn't so in my face all the time. But every once in a while - my insecurities get the better of me. I will sometimes have nightmares about it happening again. I don't think that is abnormal. Sometimes I need reassuring and that is okay.
But that pain that feels like it is crushing your heart - it does go away.

Thank you so much for your answer yes it is tough but I feel I am much tooo strong to let it pull me down.. the pain is there but its like I do not allow it to linger too long I think think non stop as you say there are others who will be hurt if I take any drastic decisions .its all putting everything in perspective isn't it?
I have been married for 30 years I have three daughters and a son they are still at home studying and working and they are all A students basically I am very proud and greatfull to have them ,
He on the other hand blew it all away by his deed now all are sad and upset ,I was shatered when I found that he has been unfaithful and one thing in my life I never tolerate is betrayel
I cut anyone short the minute I see that . But now I see it in him and I find it difficult to apply the same.
Yes love is strange it doesn't die that fast... I don't know if I still love him tough I am frozen I just think and act with my head now no more listening to my heart...
I will see how it goes but th ewound is new although I suspected him for more ths two years I found the whole truth just 2 weeks ago
Mhe is sorry he cries he begs he says don't leave me how pathetic is this the man I loved??

I didn't get a chance to read through all the other answers, but here's mine. I think it's your marriage too. Right now, the ball is in your court. It isn't a decision anyone can make for you, and I'm sure there are people out there who have been in similar situations and made it work. But they're not you. You have to do what's best for you and your child. You know better than I do what is best for you and your child, but as my mother put it when my parents went through a divorce, it is better for your child to see you being a strong woman. You don't want her seeing a broken relationship, you want her to be able to see how a real relationship should work. Not a father who cheats and a mother who rolls over and accepts it. Now you gave him a chance already and he blew it. It is up to you to decide if you want to take the risk of staying with him. He may wind up coming clean and he may not. Nobody knows, perhaps not even him. Both of you deserve for you to be in an honest, trusting caring relationship. Decide if you think you can have one with him again. And remember, while you are deciding on your next move, you have to keep in mind what he will do. Make sure you know (as sure as possible) whether he is willing to make it work to. You can't just decide to make it work on your own and then work to make it happen. If he doesn't work on it too, it will never materialize. You know what kind of man he is better than any of us. Will he ever cheat on you again?

Once you answer that question, you can make the decision that's right for you and your daughter. You both deserve happiness. Ask yourself how that is best acquired.

Best of luck

I didn't get a chance to read through all the other answers, but here's mine. I think it's your marriage too. Right now, the ball is in your court. It isn't a decision anyone can make for you, and I'm sure there are people out there who have been in similar situations and made it work. But they're not you. You have to do what's best for you and your child. You know better than I do what is best for you and your child, but as my mother put it when my parents went through a divorce, it is better for your child to see you being a strong woman. You don't want her seeing a broken relationship, you want her to be able to see how a real relationship should work. Not a father who cheats and a mother who rolls over and accepts it. Now you gave him a chance already and he blew it. It is up to you to decide if you want to take the risk of staying with him. He may wind up coming clean and he may not. Nobody knows, perhaps not even him. Both of you deserve for you to be in an honest, trusting caring relationship. Decide if you think you can have one with him again. And remember, while you are deciding on your next move, you have to keep in mind what he will do. Make sure you know (as sure as possible) whether he is willing to make it work to. You can't just decide to make it work on your own and then work to make it happen. If he doesn't work on it too, it will never materialize. You know what kind of man he is better than any of us. Will he ever cheat on you again?

Once you answer that question, you can make the decision that's right for you and your daughter. You both deserve happiness. Ask yourself how that is best acquired.

Best of luck

I am sorry, I don't know if this response is for me - or the person that kind of re-opened this thread.

My husband and I are working through this and are actually in a good place now.

I'm coming up on a year since I found out from someone else that my husband had been telling everyone that he was going to divorce me. That's when I found out about his emotional affair with two (or more?) women on the internet! He was sending them money and talking long distance on the phone with them. We ended up with a $900 phonebill! Ohmigosh! I was so hurt and so blind to have not seen all the signs. Distancing, mean words, not sleeping in the bed with me. He had a physical affair with someone else about a month later! I didn't find out about it until quite a while later! They even had sex in our home! I fully understand the harsh reality of the pain, sadness, anger, disgust, the whole comglomerate of emotions that come with discovering that the man you gave so much of your life to (me - 15 years this past July) and have faithfully given your love to, feels! I tried to keep our marriage intact by continuing to live with him, but I finally had to move out because his actions were destroying me, mentally, physically, and emotionally. You have to take care of you, he won't - he didn't, you have to really get inside your own head and determine what you want to do, you can't do what people say you should do, it has to be your own decision, nobody else. That is where I am as I write this, wrestling with the decision of staying married or getting a divorce. Good luck and may God bless you and give you the strength and courage you need to survive this devastating blow to your life.

Can I ask (if you still check this) how are things going now?