Hi

I need your advice. Last month I used my husband's laptop and saw in his history he was looking at Craigslist ads "bi college dude looking for the same" and another similar ad, and responding back to them with another email I never knew about it.

To make a long story short, when I asked him about it, he denied everything about it, saying it was "spam" and not "his email address."

Later, he admitted to our roommate that he was sending pictures of himself to these men asking if he "looked" gay to them?

In the past, I used to tease him about being "a little bit" gay, completely joking, but he claimed it made him really insecure so he needed reassurance, and that's why he emailed these guys.

When I first heard this, my first thought was this is BS. But a month later (we are separated now) I still wonder if there is any truth to that. But I don't know if any straight man would email "bi-curious/down low" guys on Craigslist (by the way, the ads he was responding to were close to the location of his work.. he claims craigslist has a gps, and that's why they showed up). By the way, I have no problem with anyone being gay, but NOT my husband!

Anyway, we rushed into this marriage so we could get the green card (he wasn't a US citizen) we were in love and it seemed like the best thing to do at the time. (By the way, he's from Latin America, very Catholic, and we live in San Francisco... his culture doesn't accept being gay).

But when I told him I was upset about seeing those things on his history, he told me "he is allowed to do whatever he wants, and that everyone has their secrects" and that he did nothing wrong because he didn't meet up with the guys.

But, isn't emailing these guys when he is MARRIED weird enough?

Am I over reacting? He never apologized for any of this, because he claims I'm the one who made him insecure about "appearing gay" and that I betrayed for him not believing him. What do you think from an outsider perspective?

By the way, we have been living apart for over a month now, and I still love him, but so confused and worried I'm blind because of my feelings. We talked about counseling, but he said he will ONLY do it if we move in together again first. I disagreed because it seemed counterproductive.


Thank you so much!

HMMM. Let me take his side: you tease him about appearing gay and he starts asking gay guys online if he looks gay. Gee, poor guy. Maybe he's telling the truth!

We can't possibly address the issue of whether he is gay or bi, as asked in your title. He's not here to talk about it.

As for invading his computer, I have to also take his side that you are far too nosy. Just because two people live together, even married, doesn't give them to right to snoop, at least not most of the time. I think if you had broached the subject more gently and with more understanding, he might have expressed his true feelings, if he even knows what they are. And counseling is a good idea as long as you are not going with the intent of making him be something he isn't. Marriage counseling is lessons in communication, not in changing people. If he turns out to be gay or bi, then so be it. If he's curious, you can discuss whether you want to stay with him or not.

I agree with Joy - you "jokingly" asked if he's gay. Maybe he was trying to find out.

I think you caused your own problems.

And snooping is never a good idea.

I have to agree with the other responses. Plus since the two of you are now separated I think that is no longer any of your business what sexuality e adheres to.

I'm not trying to sound mean. It's just my opinion.

I'm going to disagree with those who say you caused your own problems by teasing him... and the reason is this: in every "joke" there's a seed of truth and if he reacted to the extent of emailing gay guys to find out if he "looked gay" then there's a high degree of belief/buy-in within HIM *already*
About his sexuality -- it was an issue before. Plus, this is a pretty flimsy excuse to connect to other bi-curious guys. -- Spam? I'll do whatever I want/everyone has secrets? Hmmm!

You can proceed with your relationship and tenuous marriage but you have to have some acceptance IF he turns out to be bi (you can't change him!) and if it turns out he wants to have experiences outside of marriage and wanted to be with you for citizenship reasons as well. You also may need to learn, through counseling that demeaning your partner, attacking them instead of learning about them and snooping through their stuff is not the way to go.

When I first started high school I had no thoughts about guys being attractive to me at all but my friends thought different and now have helped me realise I am gay, it's hard to realise it on y

When I first started high school I had no thoughts about guys being attractive to me at all but my friends thought different and now have helped me realise I am gay, it's hard to realise it on yOur own if your culture isn't accepting of it, maybe by doing this you actually helped him