We weren't always long distance. We're from the same town, but she had to move for school. She moved in with her cousin and his family. We were apart for a couple years, see each other for 3 months over summer and 1 over winter. Used to fool around on the computer and what have you, but living with her cousin and his family leaves us little privacy.
Recently her cousin's brother-in-law (Her cousin-in-law) showed up out of the army and couch surfed. The cousin and his family left for a while. My girlfriend and the brother drank, slept together and she told me right away the next day.
We talked, she said that they both determined what they did was disrespectful to me, and they have no feelings for each other. We decided to see if we could work through it, but I made the stupid question of asking if we broke up if she would sleep with him again.
We both agreed to full honesty and she said yes.
They're still in the same house until part way through the summer, and they're alone together for another month until the rest of the family gets back. They still talk casually, watch TV together, eat meals together like nothing happened.
I should never have asked that, but I did and now I feel worse than ever, even after coming so far with our talks.
Any advice on how to feel less ty?
I mean I feel crappy, but we both still (say at least) we love each other and want to work through it. But she says the two of them aren't awkward and she doesn't associate any negative status with him. She's very detached from the act, and seems to say she regrets hurting me, but not the actual action she did because she doesn't attach emotions to sex with people she doesn't have feelings for.
She also talks about how the wife of her cousin would be upset because it's her brother, but not the rest of her family, and if the cousin found out she could just live with other family members who wouldn't see it 'as a big deal'.

I feel like she doesn't see the action, which is the core of our problem, as a bad thing, but just how I felt after she did it and I worry that she'd only be committed because she'd be afraid to hurt me and if I didn't care, she'd do it again. I talked to her about this, and she says she loves me and she's with me because she wants to be, but it's not really the complete answer I feel like I need.

What can I ask her to really know why she's with me?

It sucks to think about breaking up and even though she's in another country I do really enjoy the fact that we're 'together'. I do think that if she just can't actually care about what she did and her feelings of sadness and regret are all based around -my- reaction, we're not right for each other.

I mean I need her to want to be loyal and committed because it's what she wants, not because she doesn't want to deal with the unpleasantness of the aftermath of cheating, you know? Because that's very close to the 'what he doesn't know won't hurt him' mentality.

How much longer until you're actually together in the same city?

That sounds very irresponsible on her part to have drank and slept with someone else, regardless of what it is. If I was in your situation, I would have broken up with her because I wouldn't be able to handle the fact that my girlfriend slept with another guy and to me, being drunk is just the excuse.

But if you choose to stick it out, then you'll have to put this behind you, otherwise, if you allow this to continue to haunt you, it will catch up to you eventually and you'll end up breaking up anyway.

Seems like you have a decision to make. Are you sure you're ready to fully accept her actions and move on from it? Because constantly wanting her to make up for it isn't going to make for a healthy relationship.

Break up with her

She is who she is, and she was forgiven. You are just insecure because she is still around the guy and you are scared it will happen again.

I don't think I would have forgiven her so easily, but you had a chance to question, confirm, and satisy yourself before you forgave her. You didn't. You took the easy way out to keep her. Now you must make the hard decision to drop this and get the trust back, or leave.

I agree with the above answers as well. I don't think I could forgive her. I also think that it is possible to have sex with someone that you don't have feelings with but they live in the same house and they eat meals together on a daily basis... I would think that it would be difficult not to have some feelings there. The fact that she says that if she was not with you she would sleep with him again speaks volumes on that. Lastly, She was with you when she slept with him the first time... yet that did not stop her.

If you choose to continue this relationship that means you have chosen to forgive her and with forgiving their must come the forgetting. If you can't do this completely then you should not force yourself to do something that is going to hurt you every time you think about it.

You either have to forget it or Leave her.

If she hurts you this bad, it can't be worth it, at least in my eyes. Your own looming doubt in her faithfulness is exemplified by your asking that very important question "Would she sleep with him if you guys weren't together?" Since she answered "yes," you know she can't feel too guilty about the whole thing. In fact she justified it by stating how little the act meant to her. I really couldn't forgive someone like that, but you have, and that just shows what a great person you can be. I really think you could do better and find someone who won't cheat on you.

There's always hope for a better life, sometimes you just have to start over. I would love to write to you about the power of forgiveness, but sometimes you should just forget. I suspect that the same thing that makes you want to leave her is the same thing tying you down to her: that she will sleep with that man again if you guys break up. I feel like in life you get thrown into a lot of these catch 22 situations where neither choice presents a totally good outcome: stay with her and know forever that she expresses little remorse for cheating, ever suspicious that she will do it again (especially since that guy is sticking around for a while); or break up with her and go through the pain of her being with another man all over again. But you just have to choose the lesser of two evils. You've gotten through it once and I'm sure you can be strong enough to do it again. My heart goes out to you and the choice is ultimately yours.