This is my first time doing one of these so apologies if it’s confusing.

I have been with my girlfriend now for about 16 months, up until 4 weeks ago everything was going well, I was so happy and nothing could have got to me. We had been together for about 12 months before deciding to move in together, this seemed like the best move as we see each other most weekends and enjoyed ever moment we spent together. That lasted three months as the place we moved into turned out to be a nightmare but that is another long story. We are now back with parents after agreeing to move home to save up to buy a house.

About 3-4 weeks ago I was texting her and asked her for a number to cancel a card we had together, this was for the benefit of both of us as it would save money for our house saving, she wasn’t at work and she said I would have to wait until she had finished getting ready, I snapped a little and said to forget it. I didn’t hear from her all day and when I eventually did she told me she had been thinking about our relationship.

She said it feels a bit boring as we don’t make effort to look nice or compliment each other which I understand I wasn’t making effort to look good but the complimenting thing I felt a bit annoyed about. I said I will try harder and she said it to as she doesn’t want us to end. Things seemed OK after this point. Up until all of this she was calling me gorgeous and saying love you on texts but this seemed to drop off a little at this point.

Then came one Saturday when we were at her house the whole thing came up again as we were not talking or anything so I asked her if I should go home and she eventually told me she feels so drained from going along with all the things I have suggested to do with my family over the past 6-7 months and its bad because I am a family person quite obviously but imp not, I told her I was just suggesting things to do but she never said no :-/ I got upset and we seemed to resolve things again and she went back to being affectionate and calling me pet names and saying love you on texts.

She has started a new job and went away for the first few days of it, she called three or four times and text lots saying she missed me and things still seemed good, there was another night where I pushed things a little and got upset but she reassured me she still loved me. We then went away with family and that was great, these kids were a little bratish but everything was good overall.

Then one night she was due to come over for tea and ended up going home because of a migraine, from that point on the love you’s and pet names seemed to stop, I said I don’t think you love me anymore because you aren’t saying it as much if ever, she said she don’t know how she feels so that why she isn’t saying it. I said I am here to talk and will do anything to help and she said thank you for being understanding.

I suggested not texting for 24 hours to see if that helped and she said its worth a try, I didn’t hear from her for a whole 22 hours to which she replied that it was the stress of saving or a house and also my family being to overbearing so we agreed not to see my family as much and to ease off on the savings. I thought things were better but I tried to go over the following night and she said she planned to go out with friends and is that OK, I said I thought I was staying but go out if she wants. I decided to ask her if she wanted to dump me and if so to just do it because I can’t do it anymore. There were texts back and forth about splitting up and reasons as to why she felt like she did, some were to do with not gelling with my family, other to do with not seeing her friends as much but it was left that she didn’t want to split up because it may be a mistake.

The next day we met to talk about everything, we had a nice time shopping and spoke nothing about the situation, we just had fun. It wasn’t until we had some food that everything came out, she eventually called it a day and I was broken. I left it a few hours and said thank you for the best months of my life and thank her family too. Then things started to turn and she seemed as if she was turning, in the end we got back together and agreed that we both need each others space and this will help us appreciate our time together more. The love you's and pet names come up on occasions but it seems as though she is blowing hot and cold and some times she is very affectionate other times she isn’t, I am trying now to give her as much space as possible and arrange stuff with my friends but I am just over thinking things way too much!

Sorry for the long essay just wanted to get all info in :-/

Any comments would be of great help?

How old are you both? I think you get better results if you lighten up and stop being so overbearing and needy, and get a broader range of fun activities planned. You know, real dates that spark romance and good memories of shared activities.

Everybody needs self time with friends and activities they enjoy, even you away from the partner, with friends. They shouldn't have to ask permission or face immature behavior from it.

I consider always needing reassurance of love, and break up talk for attention a lousy way to have a constructive conversation, and manipulative. Can't you relax and not be so petulant and strict when you cannot get your way? Ever think you are wearing on her nerves and she needs more than hanging with your family, or shopping to have fun?

Let her shop with her girl friends, take her dancing.

You are encountering differences in your views on life, such as spending vs saving, which are very important for the future of any relationship. Money, studies show over and over, is the single biggest cause of dissension in couples. The beginning of the end was canceling the card. Nothing wrong with that; nothing wrong with her either. You are just different.

And you will find as you get older that you don't measure your relationship in I love yous and pet names, but in compatibility and compromises. Love means taking a person with differences and faults, and making a mental list of what you will just silently put up with and what you need to get out in the open by talking about it.

He needs a hobby, and some friends. He thinks things are great because its going as it should for him, but she smiles, goes along, and is miserable. He doesn't know she is miserable, because he doesn't pay attention to his female. That's sad.

How old are you both? I think you get better results if you lighten up and stop being so overbearing and needy, and get a broader range of fun activities planned. You know, real dates that spark romance and good memories of shared activities.

Everybody needs self time with friends and activities they enjoy, even you away from the partner, with friends. They shouldn't have to ask permission or face immature behavior from it.

I consider always needing reassurance of love, and break up talk for attention a lousy way to have a constructive conversation, and manipulative. Can't you relax and not be so petulant and strict when you cannot get your way? Ever think you are wearing on her nerves and she needs more than hanging with your family, or shopping to have fun?

Let her shop with her girl friends, take her dancing.

We are both 23. I know I need to stop being overbearing and needy but I can't help it, I am trying. I have been told I am somewhat of an old slipper, predictable and boring :-/ what would you suggest for a romantic date?

I'm not trying to be immature I am just taking this whole situation a bit hard and I don't mean to give her an immature attitude when things don't go as planned it was just the whole situation.

I know that is not the best way to have a relationship and I don't intend for that to be the case if this lasts which I hope it does, I can be relaxed and not strict or petulant. Now that you say it I do believe I may have been wearing her down and been doing too much with family which I regret so much now, I am backing off a lot and I intend to leave her to do her own thing.

I know I seem immature and this sounds cheesy but I know she is the person I am meant to be with for the rest of my life and I feel I get on so well with her family and friends it is meant to be but I understand that I can't push that.

Thanks

You are encountering differences in your views on life, such as spending vs saving, which are very important for the future of any relationship. Money, studies show over and over, is the single biggest cause of dissension in couples. The beginning of the end was canceling the card. Nothing wrong with that; nothing wrong with her either. You are just different.

And you will find as you get older that you don't measure your relationship in I love yous and pet names, but in compatibility and compromises. Love means taking a person with differences and faults, and making a mental list of what you will just silently put up with and what you need to get out in the open by talking about it.

I believe we do have differences but its not so much with money I don't think, its more to do with family and how they are with each other and how they act, her family are very quiet, they do family things on occasions whereas my family are in your face, constantly talking and always doing things together, hence why we did so much with them in the first instance as I wanted her to inntegrate into the family, selfish I know! I don't know whether you understand the whole card issue, it was just a cinema card that we both had that we weren't really using so we cancelled it to save some money (her idea).

I understand that now I am maturing and moving towards my mid 20's a relationship won't be measured on I love yous and pet names, I don't need this I was just using this as a gauge for how the whole situation was panning out which was probably the wrong idea :-/ she still says this to me and calls me names on the odd occasion which I should still look at as something.

Thanks

He needs a hobby, and some friends. he thinks things are great because its going as it should for him, but she smiles, goes along, and is miserable. He doesn't know she is miserable, because he doesn't pay attention to his female. Thats sad.

I know I need a hobby, I am getting this and making more friends and getting in touch with old one.

I understand I have not paid attention to her and even though I said at the beginning of the relationship for her to communicate with me I understand I have been an idiot for not listening to her more! I never thought she might be miserable because she was always smiling and I feel so terrible for putting her through that!

Just make some good adjustments guy, and see what happens, don't panic, or beat yourself up, and tell her your dumba$$ is really trying. Use those exact words, and mean them.

Just make some good adjustments guy, and see what happens, don't panic, or beat yourself up, and tell her your dumba$$ is really trying. Use those exact words, and mean them.

I intend to make changes, I am plannign more stuff with my friends, I try not to text as much too. I am trying hard to not panic or beat myself up, there was a period where I worried myself sick but I'm not as bad now I just worry she is slowly moving away from me. I will tell her that and see what happens thank you.

Action speak louder than words. Words without actions is lip service. Do it first. Do it for YOU!

Action speak louder than words. Words without actions is lip service. Do it first. Do it for YOU!

Do you mean break it off or put my what I said into action i.e get together with friends and do more stuff without her?

Harshness warning

I'm going to go at this from another angle. I'm not sure how much financial problems you have, but when you decide to move in together, that was a step forward for the relationship. But when you both decide to move back home, that was 5 steps backwards.

Moving in together is a commitment and healthy and strong relationships move forward from there. But instead, now that you are both back home, every time she wants to stop talking to you, she can just go home and ignore you. Which means you're not working with each other to make things better. But if you continued to live together, you would have to face each other and work it out.

Therefore, to me, moving back home is a way to ignore your problems from each other, cause now you both don't have to deal with real problems anyway, she can just go home to her mom.

Furthermore, this relationship sounds like it's continuing to deteriorate, because if your next step is to buy a home together, it means that you both need to be very sure of each other and you are both nowhere near that stage because you took 5 steps backwards. You're basically trying to take the next step after living together, so it's like jumping 6 steps now.

You have to slowly rebulid what you had before, on step at the time before you get to step 6. Start by strengthening your relationship now. Buying a home together in the future isn't going to solve your problems.

What I see is that you two aren't having fun anymore in this relationship. You only deal with problems. Focus on having fun together again and take it slowly from there. That's step one for any relationship. Have fun together and enjoy each other's company.

Do you mean break it off or put my what i said into action i.e get together with friends and do more stuff without her?

Put what you said into action, and get together with friends and do more stuff without her. And really fun stuff with her.


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Harshness warning

I'm going to go at this from another angle. I'm not sure how much financial problems you have, but when you decide to move in together, that was a step forward for the relationship. But when you both decide to move back home, that was 5 steps backwards.

Moving in together is a commitment and healthy and strong relationships move forward from there. But instead, now that you are both back home, every time she wants to stop talking to you, she can just go home and ignore you. Which means you're not working with each other to make things better. But if you continued to live together, you would have to face each other and work it out.

Therefore, to me, moving back home is a way to ignore your problems from each other, cause now you both don't have to deal with real problems anyway, she can just go home to her mom.

Furthermore, this relationship sounds like it's continuing to deteriorate, because if your next step is to buy a home together, it means that you both need to be very sure of each other and you are both nowhere near that stage beacuse you took 5 steps backwards. You're basically trying to take the next step after living together, so it's like jumping 6 steps now.

You have to slowly rebulid what you had before, one step at the time before you get to step 6. Start by strengthening your relationship now. Buying a home together in the future isn't going to solve your problems.

What I see is that you two aren't having fun anymore in this relationship. You only deal with problems. Focus on having fun together again and take it slowly from there. That's step one for any relationship. Have fun together and enjoy each other's company.

We don't have any financial problems we just couldn't save whilst renting because it took up a big chunk of our money. The plan was to move back home for no more than 6 months and then use the money saved to get a mortgage, it was agreed and that was the plan. I understand it is 5 steps backwards and other people have said it but we talked about the reasons behind it.

I know that most relationships move onwards and upwards after moving in together but after what has happened I believe, as much as I don't like to admit it, that we have stopped focusing on the good and are more just worrying about bad stuff and this in turn may allow us to start again and enjoy having each others company again.

I understand your point with the five steps back and six forward, that can obviously be a bit tricky but does it not count for something that we have lived together before so we know what to expect?

I want to start having fun with each other again, we used to have masses of fun until this whole thing started, laughs and good times, we really enjoyed each others company I guess we need to start again and work at that but its knowing if she wants to do it as well without pressuring her too much!

Put what you said into action, and get together with friends and do more stuff without her. And really fun stuff with her.


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Ok I will do that, I am meeting up with new friends day by day and have joined a few clubs :-) and as hard as it is around where we live to do fun stuff I will try hard at that as well. Thanks

Five steps backwards means just that. Yes, you do know what the next five steps are because you experienced it together, so you'll also know how to replicate it again. But the fact that you went backwards just means that you have to retake these steps.

How much rent could you two have saved in 6 months? Would it have really made a difference on your down payment / initial deposit? And even if it did make a difference, it takes time to find a home, so once you two moved back home, isn't the first step to start looking for a new home, cause it takes time to go to open houses to see what you both like. How come it doesn't seem like neither of you took that step. Had you been doing that, then it wouldn't seem like you took that many steps backwards.

But now, moving in together looks so far away. The first thing you two need to do is repair the relationship to see if you can still be happy together, because right now, it looks closer to a break up than anything else.

You two forgot how to have fun together, so that's the first step you need to get back. Otherwise, even if you do move in together again, you'll only separate again. Moving in together doesn't solve your problems.