Anibu
May 12, 2012, 08:33 AM
A couple of years before we started dating, my boyfriend (let's call him John) was best friends with a girl (let's call her Christie). He and Christie did everything together, from hanging out every day, to spooning, to laying on one another while watching a movie... They had feelings for one another, but Christie was usually in a relationship and John, at the time, was in a long-term relationship.
Eventually, Christie started dating a guy who noticed how extremely close John and Christie were. (John's long-term girlfriend already knew - Christie was her best friend as well - and she hated it.) He didn't like it, but he put up with it. One day, he found notes that John had written for her expressing his undying love for her and lost it. He forbade Christie from hanging out with John again.
Christie tried to fight it, but lost. She was so deluded in her new relationship that she let her best friend go.
Now, John and I are together. A few months ago, Christie called him out of the blue because her boyfriend had left her. John and I were at his friend's house with two other people, and John dropped everything - the game he was playing, the conversation he was a part of - to go into the other room and talk to her.
This infuriated me. He had spoken so badly of her in the time that we had been dating - how she dropped him on his , how she became a pothead - but when she turned right back around to use him for emotional support, he came running?
I expressed my distaste to him, but I didn't say anything else about it.
From then on, Christie started texting him all the time, asking him what he was doing and when they were going to hang out. John knew how I felt about her, so he asked if I would mind him hanging out with her.
I know that I shouldn't feel this way, but for some reason, I just do. I feel threatened by her. I first met Christie in 2006, when I was with my first long-term boyfriend (Steve). She was Steve's non-blood cousin. Steve told me that we had a lot in common and that she was interested in meeting me. I tried to reach out to her and be nice hoping that I would make a new friend.
She absolutely despised me. She put on a front and would smile and talk to me as though she cared, then turn around and talk about me to not only her friends, but Steve as well. Steve did not tell me during the duration of our relationship - but I saw it online. For example, she commented on a journal entry he posted about stress and said that "she, too, would be stressed if her girlfriend was using her for her money" (not verbatum). She not only harassed me by way of Steve, but she also got together with her friends and made fake messenger accounts to IM me and tell me I was stupid, ugly, and fat. She and her friends also got my phone number and masked their voice in order to scare me. This did not help with the year-long depression I faced in 2008.
I would find out much later that, right before Steve and I got together, she had been spending a lot of time with him. Apparently, everyone in the picture (except for me, because I had just entered Steve's life) knew that Christie had feelings for Steve and she wanted to be with him.
So, to get back to more recently, John came to me to ask if I would mind him hanging out with her. I had a resounding "YES!" I had tried to be friends with this girl for so long and all she had ever done was hurt me! Also, I absolutely did not trust her and did not want John to be alone with this girl that he had been so intimate with.
He didn't understand my concern, so I expressed it as best as I could. Then, he tried to argue with me about the "intimacy." I said, "John, you used to watch movies with her, right?" He said, "Yeah, why?" I said, "How were you laying whenever you watched a movie?" He said, "Our legs would be interwined and I would hold her." I said, "And how would you lay if you guys happened to watch a movie now?" He said, "I don't know, we would lay next to one another on her bed."
He continued to push the topic and I began to felt bad, but I did not feel bad enough about how I felt to let him go see her on his own. He invited her to our apartment and I was on my best behavior.
She was nice to me. We talked and I felt better about the situation. Then, he sat down on the couch next to us.
From that moment on, she never said a word to me. I accepted that; they had a lot that they needed to catch up on.
I turned to John. He was so enraptured by her that I began to feel like a third wheel in my own home. I stayed for a while longer, smiling and nodding as I sat in the middle of them and they completely ignored my presence. Eventually, I couldn't take it anymore and I excused myself. I went to the bedroom.
It was as if they didn't even notice that I'd left. A while later, John came into the room to ask me if I was okay. I wasn't. I told him how I felt and he did not understand.
I left. John called me fifteen minutes later to tell me that she had other plans and that she had left.
After this incident, I decided to stop trying to reach out to her.
John stopped talking to her as much because it bothered me. I felt horrible for him doing this, but I did not know what else to do. I told him that he would be happier without me in his life and he said that he is content. "Content." That made me feel even worse.
Things got rough one day and I left to go to a friend's house to talk and calm down. John asked me where I was going and I refused to tell him; at this time, he hadn't been offering up what he had been doing, either. So, in my mind, it was fair. I know now that it wasn't. Reciprocation does not solve anything. But I was in the "eye for an eye" mindset.
As I was walking out the door, he said, "If you leave, we might as well break up right now!" I laughed and said, "O-okay, fine." I left.
Later that night, I got home. He wasn't home. After an hour, I got worried. It was getting late. I called him and he did not pick up. I began to worry that something serious happened, so I called the friend I had been seeing and he said that John was at a friend's house with Christie, another girl, and weed.
I broke down. I didn't understand that he was serious. In the short amount of time that he thought we were "broken up," he picked up Christie and smoked marijuana, something I absolutely cannot stand. When John first asked me out, I told him that I couldn't be with someone who did drugs. He had experimented before, but he expressed that he had no desire to do them again.
I'm going to skip over what happened next because it's a lot. Basically, that's all to do with Christie, the subject of my question today.
John and I are currently in relationship limbo trying to work things out. We're going to see a couple's therapist next week. We would really like for things to work out, but we understand that it will take a lot of time and effort. Hell, it may not even work.
What I ask you is: how should I handle the situation with Christie? He is now speaking to her again and would like to be able to see her whenever and wherever he wants. I want to give that to him, but I'm so... asdfghjkl about this girl that it's tearing me apart. I broke down again last night, telling him that he deserves to do whatever he wants and that I have no right to keep him from anything. Try as I might, though, I just cannot get over this girl.
Eventually, Christie started dating a guy who noticed how extremely close John and Christie were. (John's long-term girlfriend already knew - Christie was her best friend as well - and she hated it.) He didn't like it, but he put up with it. One day, he found notes that John had written for her expressing his undying love for her and lost it. He forbade Christie from hanging out with John again.
Christie tried to fight it, but lost. She was so deluded in her new relationship that she let her best friend go.
Now, John and I are together. A few months ago, Christie called him out of the blue because her boyfriend had left her. John and I were at his friend's house with two other people, and John dropped everything - the game he was playing, the conversation he was a part of - to go into the other room and talk to her.
This infuriated me. He had spoken so badly of her in the time that we had been dating - how she dropped him on his , how she became a pothead - but when she turned right back around to use him for emotional support, he came running?
I expressed my distaste to him, but I didn't say anything else about it.
From then on, Christie started texting him all the time, asking him what he was doing and when they were going to hang out. John knew how I felt about her, so he asked if I would mind him hanging out with her.
I know that I shouldn't feel this way, but for some reason, I just do. I feel threatened by her. I first met Christie in 2006, when I was with my first long-term boyfriend (Steve). She was Steve's non-blood cousin. Steve told me that we had a lot in common and that she was interested in meeting me. I tried to reach out to her and be nice hoping that I would make a new friend.
She absolutely despised me. She put on a front and would smile and talk to me as though she cared, then turn around and talk about me to not only her friends, but Steve as well. Steve did not tell me during the duration of our relationship - but I saw it online. For example, she commented on a journal entry he posted about stress and said that "she, too, would be stressed if her girlfriend was using her for her money" (not verbatum). She not only harassed me by way of Steve, but she also got together with her friends and made fake messenger accounts to IM me and tell me I was stupid, ugly, and fat. She and her friends also got my phone number and masked their voice in order to scare me. This did not help with the year-long depression I faced in 2008.
I would find out much later that, right before Steve and I got together, she had been spending a lot of time with him. Apparently, everyone in the picture (except for me, because I had just entered Steve's life) knew that Christie had feelings for Steve and she wanted to be with him.
So, to get back to more recently, John came to me to ask if I would mind him hanging out with her. I had a resounding "YES!" I had tried to be friends with this girl for so long and all she had ever done was hurt me! Also, I absolutely did not trust her and did not want John to be alone with this girl that he had been so intimate with.
He didn't understand my concern, so I expressed it as best as I could. Then, he tried to argue with me about the "intimacy." I said, "John, you used to watch movies with her, right?" He said, "Yeah, why?" I said, "How were you laying whenever you watched a movie?" He said, "Our legs would be interwined and I would hold her." I said, "And how would you lay if you guys happened to watch a movie now?" He said, "I don't know, we would lay next to one another on her bed."
He continued to push the topic and I began to felt bad, but I did not feel bad enough about how I felt to let him go see her on his own. He invited her to our apartment and I was on my best behavior.
She was nice to me. We talked and I felt better about the situation. Then, he sat down on the couch next to us.
From that moment on, she never said a word to me. I accepted that; they had a lot that they needed to catch up on.
I turned to John. He was so enraptured by her that I began to feel like a third wheel in my own home. I stayed for a while longer, smiling and nodding as I sat in the middle of them and they completely ignored my presence. Eventually, I couldn't take it anymore and I excused myself. I went to the bedroom.
It was as if they didn't even notice that I'd left. A while later, John came into the room to ask me if I was okay. I wasn't. I told him how I felt and he did not understand.
I left. John called me fifteen minutes later to tell me that she had other plans and that she had left.
After this incident, I decided to stop trying to reach out to her.
John stopped talking to her as much because it bothered me. I felt horrible for him doing this, but I did not know what else to do. I told him that he would be happier without me in his life and he said that he is content. "Content." That made me feel even worse.
Things got rough one day and I left to go to a friend's house to talk and calm down. John asked me where I was going and I refused to tell him; at this time, he hadn't been offering up what he had been doing, either. So, in my mind, it was fair. I know now that it wasn't. Reciprocation does not solve anything. But I was in the "eye for an eye" mindset.
As I was walking out the door, he said, "If you leave, we might as well break up right now!" I laughed and said, "O-okay, fine." I left.
Later that night, I got home. He wasn't home. After an hour, I got worried. It was getting late. I called him and he did not pick up. I began to worry that something serious happened, so I called the friend I had been seeing and he said that John was at a friend's house with Christie, another girl, and weed.
I broke down. I didn't understand that he was serious. In the short amount of time that he thought we were "broken up," he picked up Christie and smoked marijuana, something I absolutely cannot stand. When John first asked me out, I told him that I couldn't be with someone who did drugs. He had experimented before, but he expressed that he had no desire to do them again.
I'm going to skip over what happened next because it's a lot. Basically, that's all to do with Christie, the subject of my question today.
John and I are currently in relationship limbo trying to work things out. We're going to see a couple's therapist next week. We would really like for things to work out, but we understand that it will take a lot of time and effort. Hell, it may not even work.
What I ask you is: how should I handle the situation with Christie? He is now speaking to her again and would like to be able to see her whenever and wherever he wants. I want to give that to him, but I'm so... asdfghjkl about this girl that it's tearing me apart. I broke down again last night, telling him that he deserves to do whatever he wants and that I have no right to keep him from anything. Try as I might, though, I just cannot get over this girl.