Me & my boyfriend (both 23), been together for 2 years & our love is solid. But when it comes down to the sex, he's always "too tired" or there's some sort of excuse. (We haven't had sex for 2 months.. maybe longer)

In the start of our relationship we 'did it' once, sometimes twice a fortnight (which to me, isn't much when we should be at it like rabbits at this stage). Now we are at 2 years (been living together for the good part of a year), we are only doing it once a month... sometimes it can go to 2 months. I personally have a high sex drive, I hint to him & try to seduce him but it doesn't seem to do much, its like he knows but is trying to avoid it.

He doesn't share many feelings, he doesn't have any siblings & has told me that he couldn't talk to anyone when he was young & that's why he is like he is today, even though he knows he can tell me anything... I constantly remind him I'm his best friend & girlfriend & he doesn't have to be afraid to tell me anything. Im always there for him, he says he knows this...

I brought up this conversation with him no long ago & asked him if it was me (im a size 10-12, I don't like to admit but I think I'm quite pretty even though I'm very self-conscious, this problem is making me worse) He says honestly its not me, he gets tired with his job & doesn't feel like doing it... but I get this excuse all the time.

Surely he has time for me? I had to ask him if he doesn't enjoy it with me, he says of course he does, he then says he doesn't feel the need to do it all the time. (But another thing about him is that he watches porn now and again, usually when I'm in work and he's home alone, I know he has but he denys it until I prove it)... it upsets me to think he doesn't want it with me but he's happy alone with his laptop... Its just getting me really down, I feel unwanted, like he isn't attracted to me that way and it hurts me.

I don't know what to do now, do I just accept it? Confront him more? I don't want to make him hate me...

He may have low testosterone. He may have fantasies that he doesn't want you to know about because they don't fit with a loving relationship. I'm just guessing, but I would say the latter. It won't be easy finding out what they are. Don't snoop and don't accuse or make him 'prove' anything he does on the computer! Find out very slowly, little talks before you go to sleep, mention how everyone has their fantasies that don't always go with real life. Ask him to tell you about his childhood. Let him just talk, don't try to jump right into how's and whys.
A really secluded childhood may lead for instance to an adult who prefers to watch secretly and not participate, as one example. A way to keep that seclusion. But who knows? That's just one of countless possibilities.
It isn't easy to realize that this isn't about his feelings for you and how attractive you are, but try, if you want to keep the relationship.

Like many in the same situation, lack of sex, you think its about how he feels for YOU, and its not. And as long as you keep it about how he feels for you, or your frustration or high sex drive you will not see the solution or the path to a solution.

Make love to the mind, and the body will follow, and know a lack of sex is but a symptom of other problems in other areas of the relationship, and only through honest communications can those problems be identified, and resolves.

It was telling that you completely ignored this,


He doesn't share many feelings, he doesn't have any siblings & has told me that he couldn't talk to anyone when he was young & that's why he is like he is today, even though he knows he can tell me anything... I constantly remind him I'm his best friend & girlfriend & he doesn't have to be afraid to tell me anything. I'm always there for him, he says he knows this...

And you go right back to make it about you again. Explore his background a bit deeper, and teach him how to communicate with you. Never mention sex, because that's not even the problem, communication IS!!

Hi JB. I thought of low testosterone too but if he's 23, barring any medical issues, I'd guess that isn't it. Wouldn't hurt to get a blood test though if he's concerned and willing. Of course it COULD just be how he is. People have different sexual appetites and perhaps his is just very low. If this is the case, then it's a matter of how YOU feel being in a relationship with someone who wants sex far less than you do.

Is it possible that he has closeness issues? You say he doesn't share many feelings so that's a pretty obvious clue. I'm by no means an expert on the subject, but I have been dealing with this myself. Think of it in these simple terms: you experience a horrific emotional trauma. You are emotionally devastated. You eventually pick up the pieces, heal, and move on. However, when you encounter a situation that reminds you of the last time you were so horribly hurt, your brain throws up defense mechanisms as sort of a survival technique. This all happens fairly subconsciously (I say "fairly" because I was dimmly aware that I had an issue, but had no idea everything it was causing).

In my situation, it was the result of past broken relationships that slowly walled me up. It's not something you notice happening, it just HAPPENS. But the results are similar. I shied away from my girlfriend's affection and found myself rarely interested in sex. For the record, not only have I always been VERY sexual, but I am extremely physically attracted to my girlfriend and I love her to death. The problem is, having sex with someone you love is a very emotional and intimate thing. Fear of intimacy forces you to avoid such things. And it's confusing when it's happening because your brain sort of lies to you and helps you make up excuses for what you're doing. It helps you avoid the truth and ignore your own behavior.

IF this is the issue (and I'm only suggesting it as one possibility), it may not be related to past relationship issues. It could be something that developed with your boyfriend back in childhood. There are many different facets of this, so I'd suggest doing some reading on it if you suspect a closeness issue or fear of intimacy.

In any event, I think the most important thing you can do to start is TALK to him. Be very frank about everything but try not to phrase it so that he feels defensive. Let him know though that this is a serious issue. If it's going to break your relationship, MAKE SURE HE KNOWS. Wake him up. Don't let it just go and hope it'll get better because it won't. You don't want to end up where I'm at now: crushed that I pushed away the woman I love after a 6.5 year relationship. She felt unloved and ultimately gave up. Fix it before it causes anymore damage. Good luck.

You had the signs from the beginning and yet you decided to stay. Now it is time to make a decision, either you get used to not having sex as much as you want to and stay with him, or you break up with and find someone that suits your needs better, but do not cheat!