Out of curiousity,

No discrimination against anybody's view please*
I would like to know everyone's opinion on spanking your child?

Im not talking about beating your kid in the parking lot or anything like that. I just mean a spankin, on the butt, nothing further.

I've moved this to a discussion thread, which is more appropriate for this kind of question. There are other threads on this topic, but most are older, and there are lots of new members, so maybe some of them will add to this thread.

I was spanked as a child (although since I was very well behaved, it wasn't often :)), and I tried spanking my first child, but it didn't solve anything and just made him more defiant and didn't change his behavior. (He later turned out to be autistic.) Therefore, I vote no. Spanking teaches a child only that someone bigger than him can hit harder. It encourages anger and defiance. Positive discipline methods work better and, at the same time, teach a parent how to be creative.

I think it depends on the child - some children need a swat, some need a spanking, some need a talking to.

Also depends on the age.

I don't think there's a "one fix for all" answer to this.

Hello:

Hitting people NEVER works.

excon

Internet swat to excon. "wack"

A swat, not a beating done at the right time and in the right way can be the best punishment ever, it is understood and often gets the result much faster and easier.

Hello:

Hitting people NEVER works.

excon


You apparently never met my sister.

Judy, it worked on your sister?

it is understood and often gets the result much faster and easier.Hello Padre:

Oh, it's UNDERSTOOD, all right. I just don't believe the result you get, is the result you want.

excon

A swat, not a beating done at the right time and in the right way can be the best punishment ever, it is understood and often gets the result much faster and easier.
What result? Fear? Anger? Defiance?

Judy, it worked on your sister?


No, quite the opposite - she should have been spanked but wasn't.

Respect and obeying, matching up action with unwanted result.

I never spanked my daughter whilst she was a child just shouted or took her privellages away.. However now she is a stroppy teenager wish I had of!!

Respect and obeying, matching up action with unwanted result.
But how did the child feel inside?

Respect and obeying, matching up action with unwanted result.Hello again, Padre:

Nahhh. That's what you THINK the result is. Nobody is saying that you won't get compliance.. But, in my view, the REAL result - the most damaging - is that a child learns the way to solve problems, is to HIT.

excon

I have to agree with Exy on this one The only thing hitting a child teaches, is that hitting is okay.

Having said that, I'm human, and I have spanked my children. I can count on one hand the number of times I've spanked both of them, but still, I have done it.

I was spanked as a child. That sort of punishment was the way to raise a child back then, the whole "spare the rod spoil the child" mentality of the 70's.

I use time outs, and take away privileges when my kids misbehave. I haven't spanked either one of them in at least 2 years, and I never want to again. But then, I'm human, so I can't promise.

I have to agree with Exy on this one The only thing hitting a child teaches, is that hitting is okay.
Psssst, I said this in the very first response. GMTA.

I haven't spanked either one of them in at least 2 years, and I never want to again. But then, I'm human, so I can't promise.Hello Alty:

It's a cycle perpetuated by each succeeding generation.. It's exceedingly difficult to break. As noted, it's one of the FIRST lessons we learn about life. But, it takes somebody who SEES the cycle, to break it. Good for you for TRYING.

I'm no better than anybody else here. I was spanked. So, MY impetus is to spank. Like you, I resisted. Also like you, I didn't totally overcome it. It's pretty HARD to break. I spanked my son TWICE in his lifetime. He doesn't spank his kids at all.

excon

I'm hoping that we have broken the cycle. The times that I have spanked my kids, and like I said, I could count those times on one hand for both kids, the situation really called for something they'd remember.

The first time I spanked Jared was when he was around 3. He ran across the road, almost got hit by a car. I had told him so many times that he wasn't allowed across the road without me. I was scared to death, and in my fear I spanked him. Afterwards I went inside and cried. I felt like the worlds worst mother. I apologized to him about it, told him that I was upset, that I don't like hitting, that I shouldn't have hit him, and that I did it only because I was so afraid that I could have lost him, and I wanted to make sure that he knew never to do that again. Well, it did work, he never ran across the street again, but I still feel guilt about that day.

The second time was when he got a hold of Rod's lighter, unbeknownst to me (and that is partially my fault. Teach me to turn my back for a few minutes), and set our brand new couch on fire, and almost himself. I could have cared less about the couch. I was so scared, he could have been badly injured. I reacted in a bad way. But, to this day, if he sees a lighter he brings it to me immediately.

Those are just 2 of the three times I spanked Jared. Sydney has been spanked once.

I'm hoping it never happens again, and yes, I know it's in my control, but again, I'm human. I can't promise that I won't make mistakes. I know they will too. Perfect is boring anyway. :)

I've moved this to a discussion thread, which is more appropriate for this kind of question. There are other threads on this topic, but most are older, and there are lots of new members, so maybe some of them will add to this thread.

I was spanked as a child (although since I was very well behaved, it wasn't often :)), and I tried spanking my first child, but it didn't solve anything and just made him more defiant and didn't change his behavior. (He later turned out to be autistic.) Therefore, I vote no. Spanking teaches a child only that someone bigger than him can hit harder. It encourages anger and defiance. Positive discipline methods work better and, at the same time, teach a parent how to be creative.



I agree here and good points made! I do not have any children of my own, I ask for more future reference, and for my nephew. Not that I would EVER spank him, but sometimes its like he needs that to get his attention. His parents are not very consistent in the types of punishment they choose for him. Then again the poor guy is only two. :) He's a sweetie when he's not being a typical two year old.

I'm hoping that we have broken the cycle. The times that I have spanked my kids, and like I said, I could count those times on one hand for both kids, the situation really called for something they'd remember.

The first time I spanked Jared was when he was around 3. He ran across the road, almost got hit by a car. I had told him so many times that he wasn't allowed across the road without me. I was scared to death, and in my fear I spanked him. Afterwards I went inside and cried. I felt like the worlds worst mother. I apologized to him about it, told him that I was upset, that I don't like hitting, that I shouldn't have hit him, and that I did it only because I was so afraid that I could have lost him, and I wanted to make sure that he knew never to do that again. Well, it did work, he never ran across the street again, but I still feel guilt about that day.

The second time was when he got a hold of Rod's lighter, unbeknownst to me (and that is partially my fault. Teach me to turn my back for a few minutes), and set our brand new couch on fire, and almost himself. I could have cared less about the couch. I was so scared, he could have been badly injured. I reacted in a bad way. But, to this day, if he sees a lighter he brings it to me immediately.

Those are just 2 of the three times I spanked Jared. Sydney has been spanked once.

I'm hoping it never happens again, and yes, I know it's in my control, but again, I'm human. I can't promise that I won't make mistakes. I know they will too. Perfect is boring anyway. :)

Like I said... I am no parent so I don't know what that feels like yet, but I can only imagine. I do think you handled the situations well, and explaining to Jared why you spanked him probably is what made him see the light!

I have to agree with Exy on this one The only thing hitting a child teaches, is that hitting is okay.

Having said that, I'm human, and I have spanked my children. I can count on one hand the number of times I've spanked both of them, but still, I have done it.

I was spanked as a child. That sort of punishment was the way to raise a child back then, the whole "spare the rod spoil the child" mentality of the 70's.

I use time outs, and take away privileges when my kids misbehave. I haven't spanked either one of them in at least 2 years, and I never want to again. But then, I'm human, so I can't promise.



I too was raised on spankins, and I don't feel hitting is okay now, and I never tried hitting my siblings or anything like that. I do think that the take away and time out punishments make more sense. Hitting a child is so degrading, hitting anyone is degrading. If I had a child I would never want them to feel that way.

I never spanked my daughter whilst she was a child just shouted or took her privellages away .. However now she is a stroppy teenager wish I had of !!!!



Too late, hehe. It would be extremely awkward to spank a teenager! :)

Thank you all for taking an interest in my post ;)

I think it depends on the child - some children need a swat, some need a spanking, some need a talking to.

Also depends on the age.

I don't think there's a "one fix for all" answer to this.




I do like your take on this, and I also feel the same. My mother always said, "I had to raise each of you differently, because none of you learned the same as the other." I believe my momma :)

I will add - there's "punishing" or chastizing a child. There's also reacting in anger, striking out. As soon as a parent loses control the screaming, talking, hitting, "slap on the rear end" loses all effect.

There have been times when I have said, "Go to your room" because I was on the verge of losing it. Have I ever swatted a bottom in anger? No.

Are we including dogs? If so, no.

I will add - there's "punishing" or chastizing a child.
The parent wants to punish/discipline so the child thinks, "I DID a bad thing (and won't do it again)" instead of punish/discipline so the child thinks, "I AM a bad thing." The first is guilt which emphasizes what the child did wrong. It tends to be constructive with the child willing to mend the damage that was done. The second is shame, is not at all constructive, and opens up an emotional hole that the child will try to fill in some way.

For your reading pleasure, here are some thoughts about shame (Guilt and Shame (http://www.beyondintractability.org/bi-essay/guilt-shame)) --

The following is a list of common shame-driven behaviors:

Attacking or striking out at other people. In an attempt to feel better about their shame, people will oftentimes strike out at others in the hopes that they will be lifted up by bringing others down. While this behavior may produce short-term relief from shame, in the long term shame is only strengthened -- in both parties -- and nothing is done to get at the root of the problem.

Seeking power and perfection. Others attempt to overcome their shame by preventing the possibility of future shame. One way in which they do this is by aiming for perfection -- a process that inevitably fails and causes more problems. Another manner in which people cope is by seeking power, which makes them feel more valuable.

Diverting blame. By blaming our faults or problems on others, we can avoid guilt and shame. However, like the previous responses, doing this fails to get at the core problems and as a result, fails to achieve its purpose.

Being overly nice or self-sacrificing. People sometimes compensate for feelings of shame or unworthiness by attempting to be exceptionally nice to others. By pleasing everyone else, we hope to prove our worth. However, this inevitably involves covering up our true feelings, which is, once again, self-defeating.

Withdrawal. By withdrawing from the real world, we can essentially numb ourselves to the feelings of guilt and shame so that we are no longer upset by these sorts of things. Again, nothing has been done to address the core issues of the problem.

While each of these actions may provide temporary relief, the long term effects are often negative, and the result is the passing on of guilt or shame to others.

I love it when you talk like a librarian! So sexy.

I love it when you talk like a librarian! So sexy.
Actually, I had my counselor hat on that time. That was one of my first classes in grad school. Three hours of guilt and shame.

The parent wants to punish/discipline so the child thinks, "I DID a bad thing (and won't do it again)" instead of punish/discipline so the child thinks, "I AM a bad thing." The first is guilt which emphasizes what the child did wrong. It tends to be constructive with the child willing to mend the damage that was done. The second is shame, is not at all constructive, and opens up an emotional hole that the child will try to fill in some way. Hello Carol:

One of my earliest memories, is I'M BAD. I wonder if it had anything to do with how I lived my life?

Nahhhh.

excon

Hello Carol:

One of my earliest memories, is I'M BAD. I wonder if it had anything to do with how I lived my life?

Nahhhh.

excon
Dear excon:

Something happened to you as a child that flipped your switch to "I AM bad." Any memories of what that could have been? (You don't have to share... ) We don't suddenly feel that kind of shame when we're adults. Something to think about -- why have you done any bad things? In my old age, I've been reviewing MY life and trying to figure out why I did what I did over the years, my shame issues. I've untangled SOME of it.

As for how you've lived your life -- I've experienced only the "good" excon and know you are greatly loved by many.

WG

Actually, I had my counselor hat on that time. That was one of my first classes in grad school. Three hours of guilt and shame.



I didn't look close enough to see the hat - still great advice, still sexy.

Switching to my librarian hat --

News Flash: The current edition of The Week magazine mentions that shaming a child by, for example, bullying and any kind of abuse creates stress, and shortens his telomeres, thereby messing up his DNA which will, in turn, affect his immune system, making him vulnerable to disease and even a shortened life span (source: Bullying, Child Abuse Hasten Aging in Kids | Stress & Telomere Length | LiveScience (http://www.livescience.com/19858-bullying-child-abuse-aging.html)).

Hello:

Hitting people NEVER works.

excon




Hello there,

And thank you for the feedback :)

I will add - there's "punishing" or chastizing a child. There's also reacting in anger, striking out. As soon as a parent loses control the screaming, talking, hitting, "slap on the rear end" loses all effect.

There have been times when I have said, "Go to your room" because I was on the verge of losing it. Have I ever swatted a bottom in anger? No.

Are we including dogs? If so, no.



We can add dogs in if you like. I wouldn't hit mine personally, they listen very well.

we can add dogs in if you like. I wouldnt hit mine personally, they listen very well.Hello, again, hello:

**greenie**

excon

Is this question related to your concern about the way your boyfriend's family treats a child? https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/parenting/another-parent-child-question-658236.html

Is this question related to your concern about the way your boyfriend's family treats a child? https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/parenting/another-parent-child-question-658236.html

Yes, they are NON-spankers. Absolutely no hitting allowed.

It depends on the child and the situation, but yes I think there are some times where a spanking by parents or teachers is appropriate.

Some are seriously begging for a world class butt whoopin... and should get it when they do. But not just for the heck of it.

We've seen what a miserable failure making sure little johnny doesn't get his feelings hurt... and the classic... the real answer doesn't matter as long as you feel good about it... over the last 3 decades.

No wonder there are so many self important losers running around, that don't have a clue about life... or much else either...

... Rant over...

Some are seriously begging for a world class butt whoopin...and should get it when they do. But not just for the heck of it.


Couldn't have said it better myself. I didn't spank much but there were times my kids were begging for it and that is the only way to describe it. I did it, they changed their behavior. However most of the time, I gave them choices and a few minutes alone to decide what they wanted to do. It worked like a charm but I think spanking can be useful. It isn't politically correct but I rarely am.

I am final, I am sorry, but this answer does not suit me. Perhaps there are still variants?Hello pam:

I don't know what variant you're looking for.. We got those FOR spanking, and those AGAINST.

excon

I am final, I am sorry, but this answer does not suit me. Perhaps there are still variants?


What? The answer doesn't suit you? What answer would you like to hear?

Perhaps they want to just serious beat them, or use torture, just spanking was not enough

I was spanked as a child.. thought it was normal. My dad spanked for everything that was the only punishment he used. What did I learn? I learned to lie your butt off as if you got caught no matter what it was a bare butt spanking until you could not sit down.
I think explaining consequences so they understand why they can not do what they are doing, time outs and taking stuff away works better with less emotional trauma. Also be consistent with what you expect and your rules and boundaries.

Might have worked for you, but the average kid isn't impressed with a talking to, but a spanking they will make the point to them. But you REALLY have to be well over 40 to grasp the concept timeouts just don't work like a well deserved spanking did.

I'm well over 40. Spankings only made me go underground and get slyer and more deceitful. Never once have I thanked my parents for spanking me. I just learned they could hit me when I wasn't allowed to hit back. Oh, and I was the firstborn and turned out the best behaved of their four kids (and no, not because I was spanked). They must have finally seen the light or gotten tired of spanking because my sibs were never spanked for doing the same things I had gotten spanked for.

I'm well over 40. Spankings only made me go underground and get slyer and more deceitful. Never once have I thanked my parents for spanking me. I just learned they could hit me when I wasn't allowed to hit back. Oh, and I was the firstborn and turned out the best behaved of their four kids.


I was also the first born and I got spanked - and it made an impression on me. Probably the reason I'm not in jail today.

Switching to my librarian hat --

News Flash: The current edition of The Week magazine mentions that shaming a child by, for example, bullying and any kind of abuse creates stress, and shortens his telomeres, thereby messing up his DNA which will, in turn, affect his immune system, making him vulnerable to disease and even a shortened life span (source: Bullying, Child Abuse Hasten Aging in Kids | Stress & Telomere Length | LiveScience (http://www.livescience.com/19858-bullying-child-abuse-aging.html)).

If that were true, I would look 20 years older than I am, but luckily I look about 10 years younger, so hopefully, the bullying I experienced as a kid didn't have any long term negative effects.

I am final, I am sorry, but this answer does not suit me. Perhaps there are still variants?

What the heck? This is the third post I've seen on this site, today, where someone has posted on an older thread, made a comment that makes no sense and has nothing to do with the original question.

Don't like the answers, then move on. Don't want to answer, then move on! But post some ridiculous nonsense that makes no sense... NO! Move on! We don't want to read your dribble.

Either post a response or don't, but don't post something that means absolutely nothing! Geesh!

I think I may change my mind. There are people in this world that are in desperate need of a good whooping. :(

There are people in this world that are in desperate need of a good whooping. :(Hello Alty:

**greenie**

excon

I'm well over 40. Spankings only made me go underground and get slyer and more deceitful. Never once have I thanked my parents for spanking me. I just learned they could hit me when I wasn't allowed to hit back. Oh, and I was the firstborn and turned out the best behaved of their four kids (and no, not because I was spanked). They must have finally seen the light or gotten tired of spanking because my sibs were never spanked for doing the same things I had gotten spanked for.

May be it's a female thing. Any boy that was intimidated by a lecturing would have his boy-card revoked. And without that he could never get a man-card. I can't speak for the females there but I can speak for the guys. I have two nephews that are poster-children for proof it doesn't work. They aren't inheritantly evil kids, just self centered to the point of narcisism.

For the past 10 yrs. I've noticed more and more unruly children, especially in shopping centers, so much that I have to leave and the parents are afraid to "Stop it". I grew up in the 50's, where if you were acting up... you got a "Crack" to the back of the head. My parents did not love me any less for doing it, but it made you think of not doing it again and you learned, fast like. I was hit when needed and so deserved it. As I go older... Once the crack to the heat didn't work, you got the strap, once that stopped working you got the licking stick, (this was a 1"x2" by 1 1/2 foot long piece of wood). Today I'm fine, never arrested, never stole anything, pay my taxes, still respect my elders... My mom is now in her mid 80's and still packs a great wallop.