I have been seeing her since mid Jan, pretty much once a week. We missed a week here and there. She bailed on me once and I on her once. Always dinner. We spoke on the phone for a month or two. I would send her random texts, she always responded. I'm 31, her 38. We started sleeping together the last couple dinners... although we ordered in last visit. We text once a day to each other with well wishes. There is too much to type but for me ,(tal) I'm wandering how to lay it all out there so I can be completely open and honest. Lay it out there with how I feel. Any thoughts?

It just doesn't feel right if we continue this road. It's not something I would want to continue if there isn't certain things said. It's a fine line from appearing needy and what I am asking advice for...

How about sitting down and talking to her about if your feelings are being reciprocated? You only seem needy when you expect something, do it casually.

What do you want to "lay out there"? Are you wondering if she's on the same page as you? (and what page are you on?)

Seeing each other on friday's only, at this point and its just not going to work anymore. It's been 4 months, we are sleeping together now, we both want the same things. Marrige, kids, cooking at home, her being pampered,me pampering her, fun, a relationship. In my ideal world we would be engaged by year end and her pregnant. I want us to be in a relationship. Spending most of our time, NOT all. All the things in the vows. I know she wants this too.

This is what is frustrating:

Tonight she had to cancel, she told me wedensday and we spoke in text yesterday and today. I believe her completely. She said next week for sure. She works Saturday and Sunday and doesn't get home till about 7-9pm. She says she is too tired to be together before she goes to sleep, as she has to wake up at 8am. Up to this point I have been okay with that, not a prob. At this point I want to start spending that time together. Sleep in the same bed. Talk about the day. Watch some TV. You know? It doesn't have to be always.right away.

Am I wrong here? We don't talk on the phone between fridays either. Just text each other once a day.

This is her words.

Here goes my list... No beating around the bush...

I'm always a very straight-forward person.

Right now, I'm looking for a serious monogamous relationship that will lead to marriage. I want someone who's faithful, loyal, honest, crazy about me, have eyes only for me, have a good job, good with money, healthy, good cook, and who'll totally pamper me and worship the ground I walk on.

In return, I promise to love you forever and ever. I will never cheat on you, and will have eyes only for you. I promise to love you through good times and bad times, in sickness and in health, until death do us part... And most importantly, I will actually mean it!!

Then she says this...

I am not so much looking for looks... But the chemistry between us.


I worry that the chemistry is there but she although feels it some, she isn't feeling it. I blame this on me having a hard time opening up and letting her in and being completely myself without holding back because I see her for like 5 hours a week to this point.

Also I worry when she says I'm not so much looking for looks... She thiknks I'm hot. I worry because I found her on a few dating websites today, and she has been on them within the last week...

If she's hanging out on dating web sites...

I don't sense much chemistry.

You I know, that's why I'm saying I have to lay it out there because that will be the only way the chemistry will come...

This is why Im not going to hold back and am going to lay it out there... I was stunned to see she was on dating websites still... im giving her the benefit of the doubt but I'm not a sucker either... I don't know whether she has been on these sites since we starting sleeping together or not but, This is why I hold back in bed, I don't want a woman basing their decision to be with me on sex... I can't perform as well as I know I can if I don't trust her... I hold back because I don't know where this is going, if its for real or not...

ya i know, thats why im saying i have to lay it out there because that will be the only way the chemistry will come...
No, that's not how the chemistry comes.

I will update you next week when I see her... or tmrw... who knows... im either going to sweep her off her feet or the other...

Chemistry where? We get along, she texts me everyday... We were together last Friday and the Friday before and for the last 4 months like this. We're progressing...

text from her today...

:-)I think so too!... There's definitely potential for this thing between us to go somewhere:-)Today is no good at all, I have to pick up some feng shui stuff..yada yada...then ive got to help do some stuff around the house for her...So really can't see you today:-(We'll see each other next week for sure though! Have a great day!

That was her response to me telling her this morning that I don't think this Friday only thing is going to work out and I want more...

chemistry where? we get along, she texts me everyday...We were together last friday and the friday before and for the last 4 months like this. We're progressing....

text from her today...

:-)I think so too!... There's definitely potential for this thing between us to go somewhere:-)Today is no good at all, I have to pick up some feng shui stuff..yada yada...then ive got to help do some stuff around the house for her...So really can't see you today:-(We'll see each other next week for sure though! Have a great day!


that was her response to me telling her this morning that I don't think this friday only thing is going to work out and i want more...
Why am I not excited?

I want her. I lack dominating on things like moving forward such as staying over at each other's houses and seeing more of each other...

I want to tell her that my roommate wants to moveout and said I can move with him if I want. With that I want to then say to her that id rather be giving $600 towards her mortgage and stay a few nights a week at her place and then a few nights by my work, like my mom or brother's houses.

I want to tell her that I want this whole year to be a surprise everyday, along with the security that we are budgeting for a future and growing into a loving happy family... I want to tell her that If I am going to be with her at 38 and me 31 that I think we should get to being engaged and pregnant by the end of the year, getting to know each other and learning how to better communicate through arguments, make up..

I want to tell her... more...


Why am I not excited?

Isn't that good? She is saying she wants to be with me?

Tell her how you want to move in with her. (I'll watch your back.)

Why am I not excited?

Why don't u think I should care that she said that?


Tell her how you want to move in with her. (I'll watch your back.)

? What do you mean? Why are you just negating what she said?

She is telling me she wants me too am I wrong?

Hello?

Isn't that good? She is saying she wants to be with me?
When did she say this?

:-)I think so too!... There's definitely potential for this thing between us to go somewhere:-)

that was in response to me saying

I want to be spending more time together other then just on Friday thing... I believe there to be a lot more potenital in this relationship with each oter.

I also said that iIm liking what I'm seeing with her and would like to talks so we can be upfront with each other so we aren't assuming things...

I know what I have to do, keep living my life, and next week when I see her, she is going to become mine... metaphorically speaking...

I don't know why YOU's be HATING on me...

:-)I think so too!... There's definitely potential for this thing between us to go somewhere:-)

that was in response to me saying

i want to be spending more time together other then just on friday thing...I believe there to be a lot more potenital in this relationship with each oter.
Potential, she says. Like the potential dates she chats with on dating sites.

Potential means "might happen, but no guarantee."


I don't know why YOU's be HATING on me...
I'm not hating on you. I'm wondering why you see more in this than she does.

Because we were clear in the beginning as to what we want and where this is going... it has been escalating for 4 months now, so I just think this is going to be the next level, not a guarantee, but we will see...


No, that's not how the chemistry comes.

How does it come? There has to be chemistry if we have been seeing each other for 3 months and then sleep together... and still show interest sincerely to one another as best we can..

how does it come? there has to be chemistry if we have been seeing each other for 3 months and then sleep together...and still show interest sincerely to one another as best we can..
And you find her on dating sites?

then I've got to help do some stuff around the house for her...

Who is her? A family member, a room mate, does she have obligations to someone other than herself?

If she is still visiting dating websites, she is keeping her options open. It appears that you are far more into the relationship than she is. You are already envisioning a life together with budgeting for a future and her pregnant by the end of the year. She, on the other hand, sees "some potential" in the relationship. There is quite a difference in the two perceptions of where things are right now.

Lay it out there for her the next time you see her. Tell her how you feel, what you would like to see happen sometime in the future after you get to know each other better. Which, by the way, should come before a pregnancy!

She will either share your enthusiasm, or back off because you are jumping ahead too quickly. You have only been dating for 4 months and hardly even speak to each other... seeing each other just once a week (texting is not speaking to each other). Have some more face to face conversations for awhile or at least actually talk on the phone.

Then you will know whether she feels the same as you do. If she does, wonderful... you'll have a great time getting to know each other better. If not, then you'll know that you will need ease off and take things more slowly, or perhaps you may decide that the two of you are not destined to be together after all.

Who is her? A family member, a room mate, does she have obligations to someone other than herself?

Mom

I don't see how its too quickly.

I'm 31 and she is 38. We know what we want. We aren't getting any younger. I would never have spent these last 4-5 months talking with her. I sure as wouldn't have slept with her.

I'm pretty sure it was clear she wants the same thing. People change. How do we know if the chemistry now will be any good when it comes to family life.

I was surprised she has all these accounts of dating websites going. I don't even know what made me check. I went on a whim and typed her username. I think it's a good thing because I was already getting very impatient, this will come to a conclusion now.

She may want the same things as you do, but while you are picturing having these things with her, she may not be picturing them with you. She may at some point, when you have spent more time together, or she may not. That is what dating is about. You seem pretty sure that she is the one... she, spending time still on dating websites, doesn't appear to be thinking the same thing. She may want to be able to date other people for awhile and get to know what sort of other people are out there.

Just because you are ready for something more, even something as serious as family life together, doesn't mean she is.

All you can do is say something to her and see if she feels the same way. Just don't be surprised if she thinks you are moving too fast and would like more time.

this will come to a conclusion now.
In what way will it come to a conclusion?

You hardly know her.

She may want the same things as you do, but while you are picturing having these things with her, she may not be picturing them with you. She may at some point, when you have spent more time together, or she may not. That is what dating is about. You seem pretty sure that she is the one......she, spending time still on dating websites, doesn't appear to be thinking the same thing. She may want to be able to date other people for awhile and get to know what sort of other people are out there. conveniently after she gets laid for this first time in 3 months and I would buy into what you were saying if she wasn't 38 and me 31

Just because you are ready for something more, even something as serious as family life together, doesn't mean she is. She has told me, her profile reads it loud and clear.

All you can do is say something to her and see if she feels the same way. Just don't be surprised if she thinks you are moving too fast and would like more time.

This is all I'm trying to say.

U don't sleep with someone you hardly know

How many others is she sleeping with right now or planning to in the future?

Is she dating others right now?

Just because she wants to marry and settle down, it doesn't mean it will be with you.

It makes me so angry because women are so obvious and they think they're so sly and like nobody knows. Its such a shame. No patience.

u dont sleep with someone you hardly know
Unfortunately (to me, at least) men and women sleep together too quickly all the time, even on the first date and without getting to know each other first. For women nowadays, it's no big deal to sleep with a guy.

How many others is she sleeping with right now or planning to in the future?

Is she dating others right now?

Just because she wants to marry and settle down, it doesn't mean it will be with you.

Now that I woke her up we will see after this next week is up, we will either be moving forward or not...

Maybe she stops texting me the next couple days, maybe we don't end up even meeting up next week, when we do meet up, I will know whether I am going to stay or leave...

What is her favorite flavor of ice cream?

Does she have any pets?

What is her mother's first name?

I hope me finding her on these sites isn't as bad as it looks, I hope I am blowing this out of proportion... I hate having to start all over... ffs

This is why I hate online dating... I was only on for 2 days when I met her... I deleted the account within a week and I have 0 accounts with online dating companies... so corrupt to minds and relationships...


What is her favorite flavor of ice cream?

Does she have any pets?

What is her mother's first name?

No pets

Can't remember her mom's name... big church goer, single, done with men, done with her daughter bring men home

Ice cream flavor? U got me

done with her daughter bring men home
What does that mean?

Her mom wants her to get married. It's a joke because she is 38.

u dont sleep with someone you hardly know

I suppose it's for the individual to decide how well you need to know someone before you sleep with them. As Wondergirl said, far too many people seem to jump into sleeping together long before they truly know each other well. It is more recreation than having deep feelings for the other person. If an unplanned pregnancy happens, you are connected to that person far longer than perhaps you had planned to be.

Online dating sites work well for some people, but as with any type of dating, you need to proceed slowly and actually spend some time together. Learn how the person handles disappointment, how they handle disagreements, what are they like when they are sick, short on money, dealing with family problems, what their goals and dreams are, etc. Certainly people can know the relationship is destined to be a life time commitment fairly early on, but it doesn't appear to be that way for her just yet if she is still visiting dating sites.

Again, see how things go when you talk to her next. I truly hope things work out well for you. If not with her, then with someone else soon.

I hope you realize you have boxed yourself into a corner, and wasted a lot of time on your own BS, rather than paying attention to her, and learning some real facts that blow your feelings out of the water.

First let me deal with your chemistry theory. You have none. I mean none, because if you did, your minds would flow together. You cannot have chemistry when you have goals, and objectives and differing conflicting styles that are strictly adhered to, for whatever reason. Your minds have not met, or you would have moved beyond this once a week thing and explored each other, not just with sex, but with yourselves. It's a tolerating expectation that you better catch up with, and adjust appropriately to.

What's obvious as I said before, you have locked yourself into a course of action that limits your options and opportunities, while she has a whole world at her feet. She doesn't have the same reason to rush into something that you do. Why? Because she takes her time and explores her whole world while you are already locked into one world, HERS!

That goes against the whole premise of dating, and having fun getting to know each other. You are at a grave disadvantage, and are suffering from it and its shows with your impatience to move to a new level, that you obviously are not ready for.

I highly recommend that you move in with your friend, and have more dates than just dinner on Friday, and maybe sex, with just this one person. Not saying have sex with a few others at the same time, but definitely see more people for fun, so you are NOT locked into this unequal partnership where she sets the pace, and the program, and you just follow. That's the whole problem, you have no other options to explore other than her, and have lost ALL objectivity, and are so off track and distracted by your own thoughts and ideas, that you have not paid attention to the obvious, that's been pointed out by others.

You are far more into this than she is, and NO way do I knock her approach at all. I mean guy, after 4 months, and she is still a stranger to you? Unreal, as that's all you have concentrated on in 4 months?? So you are already exclusive to one person, and she is looking for otter options besides you.

Take a page from her book, and get more options to explore, while this one unfolds, and spread the fun. I mean after 4 months you keep putting more eggs in her basket, and look for more to add to it.

Talaniman Rule - Date them all, short, fat, skinny, or tall. 18 to 80, blind cripple, or crazy!

In this way you weed the ones who can't handle your life, while not chasing someone else's life, and not be a slave to their BS! After 6 months or so, of having fun getting to know some one, you will have all the facts you need to decide to commit, or be exclusive, and not rush headlong into the unknown and confuse yourself with your own fears, and insecurities.

That's how relationships develop, by getting to know each other well enough to get beyond the bodies, and explore the mind, souls, of another, and build understanding through COMMUNICATIONS. That's how you work together to build toward a common goal, and that a process that takes time, and honesty.

You don't have that, so you don't have chemistry, nor do you have a reasonable working relationship with a willing partner. You have a Friday date that's understood. So slow down, pay attention and find out who the freak you have that one day a week date with, and see what's going on, and NOT just what you want to have going on.

It's that simple as I see it, you are rushing into the unknown, with a stranger of 4 months. 16 dates by my count, and an attempt at sex. Sorry guy, that's not enough to be dedicated to, or loyal to. Do better, or explore other options. That's my advice.

Sounds like she's keeping the 'shag in the bag' for a Friday night, keeping you sweet, a text, a 'maybe this will lead somewhere', while keeping her options wide open for mr right not mr right now ( i.e you!).

She's 38, she's being around the block, if she wanted what you offered she would be there right NOW! you can be sure of it, she's not going settle, so why should you.

Stop wasting your time being a very nice booty call, dinner included! get out there and start dating, you'll find someone who wants the same things you do.

She's on the dating sites, she's still looking, time to take a step back and look at the bigger picture.

sounds like shes keeping the 'shag in the bag' for a friday night,I have dictated the pace and way this relationship has gone, I set up the fridays, she has told me a couple times now that she is free on her weekends.. wants keeping you sweet, a text, a 'maybe this will lead somewhere, this is how I want and needed it to be to this point while dealing with my budget these last few months\', while keeping her options wide open for mr right not mr right now ( i.e you!).

I am mr right now, that's right. She doesn't know it yet but I am mr right. Please continue reading as I explain.

shes 38, shes being around the block, if she wanted what you offered Okay this is the KEY point to stop right there and I need to explain that this is where the problem lies. I haven't really told her and showed her what I have to offer. I haven't. THAT is what im asking advice for. I knew the pace had to change a month ago, circumstances wouldn't allow but now I am ready so I am going to change it. As I am about to change it I find out she is still on dating sites...WHICH I AM perfectly okay with....her choice...like it is mine....as such, I had motivation prior tochanging the pace and now I know its time to to show this woman who has given me the chance and is still giving me the chance to be as you say mr right. she would be there right NOW!She always responds to my texts to this point., you can be sure of it, I know, so obvious, im not one of those guys who latches on when a woman shows attention, i tell guys this all the time, if she likes you, she will be there shes not going settle, so why should you. not going to settle for anyone but mr right.and me ms.right yes this is true

stop wasting your time being a very nice booty call, dinner included!, get out there and start datingI I have had opportunities a couple times this year to just go out and doing something with a girl, I figured I pass up because Im focusing on this one im seeing right now, you'll find someone who wants the same things you do.

shes on the dating sites, shes still looking, time to take a step back and look at the bigger picture.


Redhead I like what you wrote and I replied in bold... I would love to hear what you think...

I hope you realize you have boxed yourself into a corner, and wasted a lot of time on your own BS, rather than paying attention to her, and learning some real facts that blow your feelings out of the water.

First let me deal with your chemistry theory. You have none. I mean none, because if you did, your minds would flow together. You cannot have chemistry when you have goals, and objectives and differing conflicting styles that are strictly adhered to, for whatever reason. Your minds have not met, or you would have moved beyond this once a week thing and explored each other, not just with sex, but with yourselves. Its a tolerating expectation that you better catch up with, and adjust appropriately to.

I like this a lot...Your minds have not met, or you would have moved beyond this once a week thing and explored each other, not just with sex, but with yourselves. Its a tolerating expectation that you better catch up with, and adjust appropriately to.

I don't understand what you mean by this fully..its a tolerating expectation that I better catch up with, and adjust appropriately to? it sounds good but i really want to fully understand what you mean cause I am not sure...

Whats obvious as I said before, you have locked yourself into a course of action that limits your options and opportunities, while she has a whole world at her feet. She doesn't have the same reason to rush into something that you do. Why? because she takes her time and explores her whole world while you are already locked into one world, HERS!!

That goes against the whole premise of dating, and having fun getting to know each other. You are at a grave disadvantage, and are suffering from it and its shows with your impatience to move to a new level, that you obviously are not ready for.

I highly recommend that you move in with your friend and have more dates than just dinner on Friday, and maybe sex, with just this one person. Not saying have sex with a few others at the same time, but definitely see more people for fun, so you are NOT locked into this unequal partnership where she sets the pace, and the program, and you just follow. Thats the whole problem, you have no other options to explore other than her, and have lost ALL objectivity, and are so off track and distracted by your own thoughts and ideas, that you have not paid attention to the obvious, thats been pointed out by others.

You are far more into this than she is, and NO way do I knock her approach at all. I mean guy, after 4 months, and she is still a stranger to you? Unreal, as thats all you have concentrated on in 4 months??? So you are already exclusive to one person, and she is looking for otter options besides you.

what do you mean by Unreal, as thats all you have concentrated on in 4 months???

Take a page from her book, and get more options to explore, while this one unfolds, and spread the fun. I mean after 4 months you keep putting more eggs in her basket, and look for more to add to it.

Talaniman Rule - Date them all, short, fat, skinny, or tall. 18 to 80, blind cripple, or crazy!

In this way you weed the ones who can't handle your life, while not chasing someone elses life, and not be a slave to their BS! After 6 months or so, of having fun getting to know some one, you will have all the facts you need to decide to commit, or be exclusive, and not rush headlong into the unknown and confuse yourself with your own fears, and insecurities. I have left all options open to this point, i met a couple women who maybe I should have taken out, but I passed up because I am happy at the pace SHE has allowed me to take with her. In having made that decision I know that I can meet other women if this doesn't work out. I thought she was doing the same, I found out different, I'm okay with that because up to this point she has been accepting and moved forward when I have wanted so I have no reason to believe she won't want to continue moving forward. LOL If i can give it to her , Great! If not then the appropriate course of action will be taken

Thats how relationships develop, by getting to know each other well enough to get beyond the bodies, and explore the mind, souls, of another, and build understanding thru COMMUNICATIONS. Thats how you work together to build toward a common goal, and that a process that takes time, and honesty.

You don't have that, so you don't have chemistry, nor do you have a reasonable working relationship with a willing partner. You have a Friday date thats understood. So slow down, pay attention and find out who the freak you have that one day a week date with, and see whats going on, and NOT just what you want to have going on.

Its that simple as I see it, you are rushing into the unknown, with a stranger of 4 months. 16 dates by my count, and an attempt at sex. Sorry guy, thats not enough to be dedicated to, or loyal to. Do better, or explore other options. That's my advice.

You couldn't have said it better in that last sentence. Do better, or explore other options. That really sums it up.

I will be doing much better next time I see her. If not, I will happily take the experience and meet someone else. It won't happen like that because I am a firm believer in life and how it seems to "coincidentally" go certain ways, how SIMPLE things happen in order and just like that your destiny is fulfilled... one day your smoking cigarettes and the next you have quit. Change happens by "coincidence" a lot of the time, if a didn't happen would be and c and d all ever have taken place...

I will do better and she will appreciate me for it. A woman's heart melts when you can say how you feel honestly when they like you. Its time for me to show her what I am made of and find out what SHE IS MADE OF, hopefully it will be lots of fun and we "click"...

Thanks for giving me something to think about.

one day ur smoking cigarettes and the next you have quit. Change happens by "coincidence" a lot of the time, if a didn't happen would b and c and d all ever have taken place...
Stopping smoking doesn't happen as a coincidence.

So I ended up meeting with her that day and all went well... we met up a couple days later as well. She has kept in touch since last Friday...

I don't know how she feels but It's pretty much over in my books because I'm not looking for a movie buddy & fwb...

I guess these next couple weeks will determine how she feels... I'm ready to move forward with or without her...

Thanks for your help.

I agree with everything Talaniman said... and the idea for you to get out there and date. There is nothing wrong with this woman keeping her options open, seeing other people AND developing a relationship with you to see if she wants to continue with you. Fun, dinners, sex (and two very different "styles" of communicating!) do not a relationship make --- you HAVE totally boxed yourself in with a limited course of opportunities and outcomes while she, appropriately, is finding out what's right for her.

There's NOTHING wrong with developing a relationship but it feels like you're in too much of a hurry (she is 38, she knows what she wants, let's do it!) to get there without developing all the other layers of connection that make chemistry and connection happen organically. The fact that you're ready to bail on her and unconsciously fixated on what you want and what you think SHE should want, and planning out this elaborate future that has her pregnant by the end of the year shows me that you're not on the same page, you don't care about her as a person and you don't even KNOW her! I think it's insane that you feel like 4 months into this relationship she should be assuring you of its long term prospects - especially since she is exploring other relationships with other people as she SHOULD be. It doesn't matter how interested in you she is because it won't be good enough for you.

Find someone who shares your personality traits. Next time you're on a dating site, don't delete your profile with the first connection you find. As was said before, "take a page from her playbook"

Thanks for your opinion Will.


I have backed off and am open to dating other women. I will continue to see this woman and see if it will lead anywhere.

I guess I am crazy with the feedback I have received thinking that after four months we should be "exclusive". I'm stunned by this but I guess that's just the way it is.

I have thrown out all my crazy ideas of what I wanted with this woman, I am going to give it a chance to grow and see other women at the same time. I won't decline an option like I have in the past to date somebody else because I am already dating someone.

I felt its best to give my all to one relationship and if it fails just move to the next. I
Am obviously wrong.

This will be the last time I try going online for a date.

I guess I shouldn't be so accepting.

I felt its best to give my all to one relationship and if it fails just move to the next. I
am obviously wrong.

This will be the last time I try going online for a date.

I guess I shouldn't be so accepting.

It's not a matter of being "wrong", as plenty of people feel the same way about dating as you do. They will date just one person at a time and let it run its course until they either decide things are going well, and they want to continue (and invest more of themselves in the relationship), or it isn't a good fit and they move on.

However, others are more comfortable dating a couple of people, or more if time allows, at the same time. They prefer to get to know different people, keeping things less intense at the start. Usually, at some point, a mutual connection will be made and they will become exclusive with one of the people.

Online dating works well for many people, not for others. Keep your options open as you just never know who you might meet, and where.

Sooner or later you will find someone who wants the same things that you do, at the same time, and with you! It may be a relationship that develops over some time, or it may be an instant knowing by both people.

Good luck... have fun and enjoy the journey!

Thx Doula...