I am a woman of 50 and have recently fallen in love with a man of 47. He lost his first wife in a car accident 25 years ago. They had lived together for 2 years. He talks often of her. Says that no one will ever take her away from him. Says that she was the most wonderful person he has ever met in his life. And compares certain things I do to the way she would have done them. He still dreams of her and talks to her for advice and considers her as his little sister.
Is this a healthy attitude after so many years later? How should I deal with this. I do not want to end the relationship in any way but need to find a way where her "ghost" will not hinder our new relationship. Thanks in advance. M

He's the only person who can answer these questions. After twenty-five years do I think this is rather strange? Yes. I find him "talking" to her and asking her for advice to also be strange.

I don't think this is healthy AND I would talk to him about it - I wouldn't want to be compared to anyone, living or dead.

I was widowed - I believe he is carrying his loss to the extreme. Maybe that's self protection. I don't know.

How long have you been in the relationship with him?

If they had been together for 25 years and had lost her 2 year ago, this sounds right.

After 25 years, yes he may dream or think of her from time to time, esp if he does something that they did together a lot.

He may even "talk" to her and tell her things going on in his life, I from time to time talk to my ex ( passed 15 years or so ) just telling her things that has happened in the kids life.

But if he is thinking of her daily, living his life with her advice, he has problems, never got over her. Is this why he is still single after 25 years perhaps.

I think of my late husband every day.

I don't compare other people to him, though - that's the part that troubles me.

Thank you all for your answers. I was not expecting anyone to answer at all. In fact what I failed to mention is that two years after his first wife's death he married again and lived with the second women for 14 years and has two children with her. They have now been divorced for 6 years. I have only known this man for two months but he is my soulmate. I shall give it some more time but I think he considers his first wife as his guardian angel so maybe I can handle it that way. Time will tell. Thanks again for your answers they did certainly help.

Thank you all for your answers. I was not expecting anyone to answer at all. In fact what I failed to mention is that two years after his first wife's death he married again and lived with the second women for 14 years and has two children with her. They have now been divorced for 6 years. I have only known this man for two months but he is my soulmate. I shall give it some more time but I think he considers his first wife as his guardian angel so maybe I can handle it that way. Time will tell. Thanks again for your answers they did certainly help.


Yes, that does change things a bit. I never understand what a soulmate is. I understand the theory but not the practice.

Can you explain?

I wonder if he has completely grieved for her and celebrated her life. When my dad died in 1994, we kids and grandkids buried him wearing a Cubs cap and holding a Reader's Digest magazine (his two most favorite things in the world outside of my mom's applesauce cake), then put together a memory book of artwork and funny and serious stories and poems about him in order to celebrate his life. We planted a tree in his memory and include mention of him even today in many of our conversations.

Has he ever said if he ever did anything like that and/or joined a grief support group? Maybe he simply needs some kind of closure.