Its too late. I was basically depressed since senior year of high school. 17/18. I never cared much about my appearance, and wasn't doing that great in school. I had and have friends, but I was never appealing, because I didn't care. I never had love interests, nor did I obviously care.

I never got into a good college and high expectations from parents must have triggered it. My parents have been very supportive later on, and I have calmed down, and regained myself esteem, maintain myself well, dress nice, etc.

So I started at a new college near my home. I'm 21 now. Anyway. I feel it is too late for me to recover, but I clearly don't want to regress. I am severely incognito, and at this age in your life, your expected to have firm friendships, so that itself was hard, because of my depression I did not have those last. Anyway, so now I'm happier.

But there were days when I felt so alone, I would cry again. It wasn't to the point where I would self destruct or anything... But I felt like it was too late for everything. No one really was interested, because they would just see me as a new girl, and the fact that I'm a junior and basically incognito makes things worse. Its like everyone just assumed I had a life. Or that maybe I was avoiding people.

But at this stage, it hard to make friendships, But I still did. I still felt there was something missing. I also was thinking about asking my parents for arranged marriage, but I am not considered for I have not finished my college yet..

Anyway, So one of those days, I was really worked up, and felt alone. I was living on campus, that to an empty dorm. It was fine.. But I started talking to this guy at a pizzeria near my school. I used to talk to him. He was very comforting. We just talked. I wasn't depressed that I needed to talk to a counselor, or take meds. I just needed some attention..

Things escalated. He is 46... Now I have hooked up with guys after him, but nobody cared. I just liked him. I know you will say take medicine talk to counselor, but the truth is I'm justified to be sad about being lonely. I was happy with him. I liked how he cared. He helped me... I don't want to regress. Meaning become ugly and socially awkward again, so to keep my cool I.. But I am developing feelings for him. He tells me it is not forever because he doesn't want me to lose my family...


I want to finish school, but maybe the whole love things isn't for me. And if I can't get a grip on it, I won't even have a good career.. I sometimes really think I would be better off In the Himalayan mountains praying. No love no kids no purpose. But I must continue my education...

You understand my situation. What would you do?

By the way I am Indian.

PS

I was talking to him for like 5 months before anything. And call it desperateness, but I was going crazy again, But the problem is I recently came out of my depressive cocoon November 2011.. lol

Have you ever read the book Flowers for Algeron xD

I think you need to work on yourself by being happy alone, do the stuff you love alone, try to better yourself, have a more positive outlook, get a grip on your own life, work towards your career. You pretty much need to learn to be able to make it on your own without anyone. Once you do that and learn to be happy and not need anyone, all the other things will naturally attract you. You ll start having more friend, perhaps a love interest, a good career , etc.

To you all : I do concentrate on myself

I love coloring c:! And listening to music

I freaking love Mudhoney c:

So its not about being happy alone because that is usually me .A LOT c:

Talk about Strength...

21 years alone/ yes Parents wealth buys happiness eh ? ROFL

FYI And I am A flamboyant Optimist.
Lalalaalalal check out the user name :P

Not many are in this situation right. You going to tell me.. Well at least you don't have a life threatining disease huh?

Wowie c:

Hehe thanks you all c: Very sweet. Haha. Now the time has come to smile And Wash the walls c:

Thank you kind person. You wise words are very appreciated c:

Serious : Haveyou ever realized the world isn't for you. No I don't mean no Suicide or nothing like that. But Maybe your purpose is shooting penquins for food in the land called antartica c:

I really am very confused right now... I really think Im falling for the old man. Please help... see I knew no would relate.. I: I guess your response is... Well lalala54321, You just need to suck it up, and be alone forever c:

Oh and Im a girl. c:
lalala54321 the world.

You have a warped sense of humor, but that's okay, many of us do. But let me get to your confusion here. Its okay to be a LONER, and its okay to have a fling with an older guy who relieves your being a loner. I understand your need for personal human attention quite well. I also understand the need for intimacy very well.

This is pretty normal for a 21 year old female who is a bit introverted, but wants to be more extroverted, but simply hasn't found out how, You are just young, and inexperienced, and maybe a bit sheltered and indulged.

Now you are exploring, and experimenting, as you try to find your way and how you fit and relate in your world and in your own mind.

Yourself esteem does matter, and the confidence in yourself, so don't let this fling shake your world, your confidence, or yourself esteem. You are okay, just as you are, just unsure of the future. Like all of us.

Its YOUR world, so make of it what you will, just enjoy the journey, it never ends.

Flowers for Algeron, is that the forerunner for "Pinky and the Brain"?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pinky_and_the_Brain