Hello all,
Let me start by giving some background. I am a full time single father 32 y/o. the girl is 39 y/o. we met at work 6 years ago. She was involved with someone for 20 years when we first met and though it was wrong we hit it off like I have never before in my life. I, however, was still trying to get over my break up with my son's mother. After some time we both decided to move forward with our feelings. Both of us had heard each other's sad stories and decided we would move forward with our relationship. She decided to leave her previous relationship, moved out, got her own place, and started her life again from zero with me a part of it. Fast forward five years. A lot of good times and some bad times like any normal relationship, however, I had started noticing a change in her behavior with me. Well, I eventually figured out she was afraid she had left everything for nothing since I had never mentioned anything about settling down. I assumed it was naturally the next step but never really communicated it. Fast forward again. She decided after 5 years she needed a break from us. It was not easy and she seemed very confused about us. I tried giving her the space she asked for but found it very difficult just being friendly when in fact I was still very much in love with her. I honestly think the age difference and probably my immaturity played a hug role in this break up. I recently have been doing well for myself financially and started spending more time at home and less at work or in training (im a martial arts instructor) and helping her financially as well.
A month ago she was told she had a category 5 tumor, translation, she has cancer. She tells me she just wants to be my friend and she has someone else, a male friend, she speaks to constantly who she swears is a friend only. She communicates with me mainly via text only. Rarely a phone call since we both get emotional. The look in her eyes when I see her says she still loves me very much but she is forcing herself not to have feelings for me. Her best friend confided in me she is trying to spare me having me to go through this with her, that she wants me to be there as a friend but wants me to find someone else to to have a family with, someone closer to my age. Though admirable and romantic I think this should be my choice. 2nd is her "friend" who again her best friend in confidence told me is strictly only a friend.
I honestly believe this is the woman that I want to spend the rest of my life with but she is shutting me out badly. Forcing herself not to have feelings for me. Emotionally I am a mess. Physically I have lost about 15 pounds since all this started. When asked if she loves me or not, she does not answer she just tells me that she needs time for herself. I want to help her through her breast surgery scheduled next month and care for her as she will more than likely have radiation and possibly chemo (I am a registered nurse). I will be there through hell and back if I have to even if it kills me emotionally but I am not doing well emotionally or physically. My friends and loved ones tell me to move on with my life. That she cannot possibly love me if she is making me suffer, that she has someone else. BUT none of these friends or loved ones have cancer.
What do I do? I am in love with a woman who refuses to tell me whether she does or does not love me. I want to be there as a friend only as she has asked but it's killing me inside not being with her. I'm jealous of this "friend." she tells me she's confused but as soon as she sees me she starts to shed a tear as do I. do I hang in there? Wait till she figures things out? Do I continue killing myself emotionally for her sake? I love her but I am a mess. Need advice.

If this were a movie and you were the young Ryan O'Neal - you would go to the woman you love and tell her that you will be by her side for all time. She would cry and say, "no" but you would convince her that no one has a guarantee on life. Tomorrow could well be the last day for everyone. The only promise you can make is that you love her and will be there to share every part of life with her.

So you are not the movie star but you are a man in love. She is pushing you away because she is afraid of so many things. We never know what is going to happen to us when we get the "C" word diagnosis and we want to spare the people closest to us. But what we do not realize is that those people need to be in our circle. They have strength, love, devotion, caring, and the joy of life that we do really need.

I hope you do not give up on her. I think she needs you and you need her. Who is locking the door that you cannot go and see her? Wanting to spend the rests of your life with her means for better or worse, in sickness and in health. Let her know that, let her see that you mean that. Even a best friend does that.. how much more would you do?

One thing I would add - seek some professional type counseling. Either through the cancer center there, a minister, someone experienced with death and dying issues, someone who can help you sort out your emotions and feelings. You cannot be an emotional wreck. I am not saying your friend is going to die right here and now, but there are related feelings. I am also not saying you cannot feel sad or angry or hurt or confused by all this, but you need your head clear and focused.

Best of all to you and your precious friend.