Dear Readers,
Here is the situation I'm having. As you may or may not know I previously posted questions in regards to my relationship with a married man. My situation has changed I have a new post that I think you all will find interesting.
My husband and I are taking a trip to Cancun in two weeks. He has booked us at a clothing option beach for which many swinging couples attend. I'm not really interested in participating in the activities but he his GUNHOE about our trip. To prepare he has recently signed us up on this swing site and ask that I participate with other couple via cam (cam play) is what they call it. I love my husband and would do anything for him; however I did not want to do cam play so he got mad at me and tells me I never do what he wants to do, and it's always what I want to do. However, before we both decided to join this site we agreed if I didn't like we would stop at ANYTIME. That was not the case he got an attitude and started an argument. Long story short we end up posting some pics on this site no face shot and people are throwing themselves at me with majority of them being women…yes women! So he's pretty much throwing me to these women he knows that I'm straight as a pole but yet he tells these women that I will b e willing to play with the right one/women AHHHHHH! Hello but he never asks me how I feel about this I told him to stop telling then that he stated that he's just playing along and its only cam play it's not like we're going to actually meet these people. HELLO! Some of these swingers find this type of thing serious I'm not the one to make up stories about things but he gets online at work and writes post pretending to be me. Bottom line what's wrong with this picture people? So not only do he want to play with another couple he told me the couple has to be any race but no black people by the way we are a black couple in are mid and upper 30's. I'm sure someone has questions but I'm I the only one that thinks my husband wants to have his cake and eat it too. I am not a racist my dad is white but I think he has gone too far… He has told me several times how unhappy he has been but still stays in the relationship he plans on leaving and then changes his mind so now I see it as him cheating with someone else but if we do it together that will not be cheating. Our marriage is already weak to a certain extent but I think couples that live the swing life has to have a STRONG bond. Some swingers say it saved their marriage where as others say it destroyed their marriage. I think doing this will destroy our marriage I would be able to look at him the same. I think I will always have in back of my mind the thoughts of why would he want to experience sex with another women rather black, white, Asian etc. When two people love each other they cherish each other. I don't know what to do anymore.

What do you all think about his situation? I know it's a little choppy in details but I think he's already having sex with someone in the swing scene and their just trying to throw me n the band wagon. I think he's pulling a face one over on me. Even his sexual scent it's the same. Do you think this is his way of cheating or his way of wanting out of the relationship? I'm open to all opinions at this time.

I keep getting trouble posting this, this is my third attempt, so I am going to make it short
Tell him to go by his self and don't bother coming home, the locks would be changed, this is cheating and you want no part of it

Hello n:

You start by talking about your relationship with a married man, and then you accuse your husband of ruining your relationship...

I'm confused.

excon

naturalsprings... why are you and your husband married?

There's been cheating in the marriage, several threats of leaving, he's trying to guilt you into doing things you aren't comfortable with, you both try to justify actions that only hurt your marriage further, neither of you seems to be happy with how things are going and don't seem to be able to come to any sort of compromise.

This isn't loving each other, cherishing each other, or respecting each other, so why stay in it?

Thanks for the feedback, I too feel the same way you suggested DoulaLC. I want out and don't know how to tell him... sad I know...

Start by making sure you have resources to support yourself. Consider talking to a lawyer to go over your options. Look at the logistics... where would you live? Would either of you stay in your current home or would it be sold, if necessary? Would you have help from family and friends if needed?

The point is, don't make any quick decisions or moves. Get things in order before saying anything.

You could simply tell him that you have reached the decision that, with all that has gone on over the years, you no longer feel that being married to each other is healthy or good for either of you, and that you have decided it would be better to live on your own.

Any of this would come only after you have given it very careful consideration as divorce is a big step. Even if you come to the decision to end the marriage, it can be painful for the loss of what you had hoped your marriage would be. It puts you out of your comfort zone, of what you have known, even if you know it might be for the best.

Of course, he very well may be thinking the same thing. You may want to discuss the option of counseling with him first. Perhaps even let him know that you are having second thoughts about continuing the marriage as it has been and would like to do all that you possibly can to make it the sort of relationship that both of you can be happy in. Then see what he says.

DouglaLC these are the same things I came up with so I really think that there one thing to do. Thanks for the feedback.

Hello n:

You start off by talking about your relationship with a married man, and then you accuse your husband of ruining your relationship...

I'm confused.

excon


Excon... I know right again this was a long but short story. My affair was brought about due to my spouses undecisiveness.

Hello again everyone, its been a month since I've visited this site. Just figured I would give you an update. While the hubby and I are still together and he's is still not letting go of this swing/couple thing. My question(s) today is more directed toward the men but ladies please feel free to add your input. What does it mean when a man particularly your spouse tells you he would be okay with his wife being with another man in his presence? How can a man be so unconscious to the fact that a marriage is supposed to be bwt two bodies... not three or four or five? And last but not least. What makes a man or woman come to this conclusion to share each other with strangers?

Its called a cuckold fantasy... trust me I don't understand it either... but there are a lot of people that are into it apparently... and not all of them men.

It depends. Whether he wants to share you and have sex with other women himself, or just watch you be with someone else.
If it's the last case, as smoothy put it, your husband have a cuckold fantasy.
I, myself, never understood how this thing works but basically, the husband gets his thrill from the humiliation and the sense of being betrayed. I'm not judgemental but this is pretty much effed up.

But this doesn't mean he doesn't love you, it's just that he has weird fantaisies. However, if it really makes you uncomfortable (and it should), explain to him that it really isn't your thing and that he should let go of it.

You can write him an erotic story involving you, him, and some stranger so you can meet him halfway. But if it makes you uncomfortable, he shouldn't be selfish about it.

Hello again everyone, its been a month since I've visited this site. Just figured I would give you an update. While the hubby and I are still together and hes is still not letting go of this swing/couple thing. My question(s) today is more directed toward the men but ladies please feel free to add your input. What does it mean when a man particularly your spouse tells you he would be okay with his wife being with another man in his presence? How can a man be so unconscious to the fact that a marriage is supposed to be bwt two bodies... not three or four or five? and last but not least. What makes a man or woman come to this conclusion to share each other with strangers?


Thanks for the permission to answer you.

I've asked that your threads be combined.

Again - the person who KNOWS the answer is your husband, the man who wants to watch you have sex with other people. For me it would be a demoralizing situation. I would feel something less than loved if my husband wanted to share me. I was once told by someone who entered into this situation that the most difficult part was realizing his "moves" when they were in bed, having sex, were his "moves" when he was with a stranger. Nothing special, nothing different.

Ask HIM how he came to the conclusion that this would excite him.

I would feel like nobody special since he could be what he is to me with someone else, plus it would bother me that he has no problem with another man touching me in that way. I would have no respect for a man with such low respect for me and our marriage.

You can write him an erotic story involving you, him, and some stranger so you can meet him halfway. But if it makes you uncomfortable, he shouldn't be selfish about it.


- I think this will only make things worse because he'll know (or think) she has the same fantasy.

I don't think this is a good idea at all.

I still don't know why she doesn't say no. If my husband wants me to dress like a sheep and run around the backyard I'm not doing it. No, and the discussion is over.

If her husband leaves her, he leaves her - if that's the threat.

If my husband wants me to dress like a sheep and run around the backyard I'm not doing it.Hello again, Judy:

You wouldn't? My fantasy is dashed...

excon

Hello again, Judy:

You wouldn't? My fantasy is dashed....

excon


Only, my dear, if you dress like Little Bo Peep.

I agree, she really needs to say no and put her foot down unless she really wants to do it.

She appears she doesn't, and also it appears he's trying to force her into it... which is very much NOT right for him to do..

I agree, she really needs to say no and put her foot down unless she really wants to do it.

She appears she doesn't, and also it appears he's trying to force her into it...which is very much NOT right for him to do..


I think as long as she's discussing it the "opportunity" is on the table. She says no and that's it.

I think as long as she's discussing it the "opportunity" is on the table. She says no and that's it.

True... unless she says no... he thinks she's still open to it. I doubt he's any better at reading minds than anyone else is.

- I think this will only make things worse because he'll know (or think) she has the same fantasy.

I don't think this is a good idea at all.

I still don't know why she doesn't say no. If my husband wants me to dress like a sheep and run around the backyard I'm not doing it. No, and the discussion is over.

If her husband leaves her, he leaves her - if that's the threat.

There's nothing wrong about meeting the one you love halfway. It has nothing to do with pride or self esteem, people don't often choose their fantaisies.
Chuck Palahniuk write books about psychopaths, that doesn't mean he's one. That's what great about fiction.

I understand that she could be more strict, but it isn't easy for everybody.

There's nothing wrong about meeting the one you love halfway. It has nothing to do with pride or self esteem, people don't often choose their fantaisies.
Chuck Palahniuk write books about psychopaths, that doesn't mean he's one. That's what great about fiction.

I understand that she could be more strict, but it isn't easy for everybody.


What? She doesn't want to "do" this. He does. She's being coerced.

What do Psychopaths have to do with swinging? I'm missing your point here. You don't have to be a Psychopath to write about them. What does that have to do with this situation?

She either feeds into his fantasy or she doesn't. If she's going to write stories about "swinging" I very much doubt he'll think, "Oh, she's writing about it so she's not interested."

Where is our resident Counsellor? I only have a minor in the subject - and she outranks me!

(Is this the backlash from my suggestion that threatening to tell the ex-lover's wife can get a person arrested?)

What? She doesn't want to "do" this. He does. She's being coerced.

What do Psychopaths have to do with swinging? I'm missing your point here. You don't have to be a Psychopath to write about them. What does that have to do with this situation?

She either feeds into his fantasy or she doesn't. If she's going to write stories about "swinging" I very much doubt he'll think, "Oh, she's writing about it so she's not interested."

Where is our resident Counsellor? I only have a minor in the subject - and she outranks me!

(Is this the backlash from my suggestion that threatening to tell the ex-lover's wife can get a person arrested?)

My example with psychopaths is that he won't absolutely think that she has the same fantasy just because she wrote about it. She can explain to him that this is really not what she wants to do, and as a gesture of love and understanding she can write this thing. It was just a suggestion out of the blue.
Writers that write about serial killers aren't serial killers.
Wives that write about swinging aren't inevitably swingers.

We don't know her husband, maybe instead of him thinking : She's writing so she's interested. He'll think: This is really a great effort from her part, I shouldn't nag her about it anymore.

And how is me writing to you is a backlash? I can no longer respond, if you'd like to, but don't assume "dishonesty" in me. If I don't like something, I'm strait forward about it.
And I, actually, thought you're right about that point.

You need to tell him No! Why are you not standing up for yourself, why are you still with him?
There is no way I'd stay with a man who wanted me to do that.

You need to tell him No! Why are you not standing up for yourself, why are you still with him?
There is no way I'd stay with a man who wanted me to do that.



- And never dropped the subject. I'm thinking that the OP is not 100% against the idea.l The question was posted, now there's an update, the situation hasn't changed - ?

- And never dropped the subject. I'm thinking that the OP is not 100% against the idea.l The question was posted, now there's an update, the situation hasn't changed - ?

I hope she is not one of those pitiful women who love their man so much they will wallow in the mud for him and cry "poor me" while they're in it.

- I think this will only make things worse because he'll know (or think) she has the same fantasy.

I don't think this is a good idea at all.

I still don't know why she doesn't say no. If my husband wants me to dress like a sheep and run around the backyard I'm not doing it. No, and the discussion is over.

If her husband leaves her, he leaves her - if that's the threat.

I've already told him NO. I think at first I told him that I would consider it and agreed just to disagree... pretty much so he could leave me alone about it... it worked for a little while and he would always I would want you to do nothing you don't want to do... and most importantly don't do it for me doing it because you want to do it. But what he does not get is that I DO NOT want anything to do with any of that. So as usual he gets upset starting talking about "okay lets just leave it alone and we will never bring it up again" while lets just say that only lasted for two days. So now he's sending me love text about how he admit he's dominant 99% of the time but he loves and cherish me and want to give me the world, and not to let his bad attitude get in the way of all his good.. He also stated that he guess he just wants his cake and eat it too. He just want to experience life and all it has to offer but not at the expense of losing me. So I text him back and long story short told him that something I do feel as if I'm not letting him be free and how I've thought time after time to let his go just so he can go an fulfill his long life dreams.. He replied he did want to let me go. Now I think I was getting somewhere. I really do think he dreams of being alone or single again just to fulfill these fantasies but he don't want to lose me he expect me to stick around. Now, when I did tell him that I would consider this he in the midst of waiting for me to come around has been chatting with this couple and told me about it a few days later... I receive a text of a penis at this point I'm freaking out thinking damn somebody sending naked pics to the wrong phone.. no that was not the case moments later I get a text from the Mr. asking me if I received any text message... DING DING DING DING DING YES! YOU'RE THINK WHAT YOU ARE THINKING now close your mouth because I know that just hit you just as it hit me, my mouth is still on the floor. I've already typed too much I will continue this story tomm... stay turned in believe me its doesn't getting any better to be continued...

There's nothing wrong about meeting the one you love halfway. It has nothing to do with pride or self esteem, people don't often choose their fantaisies.
Chuck Palahniuk write books about psychopaths, that doesn't mean he's one. That's what great about fiction.

I understand that she could be more strict, but it isn't easy for everybody.

Spunoh, that's what I was trying to do meet him halfway as I always do, and suppose to do in a marriage. However, I think when I did tell him I was open to the idea I just wanted to shout him the hell up. I figured Oh he just talking.. Apparently I open this can up and he poured it on me... I tell he no no no and he. Will leave it alone and bring it back up while ease it back up.

You know you need to be firm with your No!
I'd let him know you don't appreciate the emails you are getting from other men and that if he continues to chat on-line with these people he needs to go.
That is just disrespectful.
We don't need a daily blog of your adventure, (maybe you are enjoying this) Tell the man to stop and mean it, or leave him.

I'd also refuse to go on that trip. Period. Put your foot down now... firmly, maybe even swiftly place it up his rectal cavity if that's what it takes to get his attention.

I'd also refuse to go on that trip. Period. Put your foot down now...firmly, maybe even swiftly place it up his rectal cavity if that's what it takes to get his attention.
She is sending mixed signals. There is a way to say no and mean it. Refuse to take part in any of this stuff.

She is sending mixed signals. There is a way to say no and mean it. Refuse to take part in any of this stuff.


I keep saying this same thing.

This is very much like listening to a friend who telephones 6 times a day to say she's being abused.

So leave already.

You need to tell him No! Why are you not standing up for yourself, why are you still with him?
There is no way I'd stay with a man who wanted me to do that.

I know what you mean Homegirl but it is always easier for someone to say what they would do but it is sometime hard to do just what you say. I understand that the scenario below is different but its relative to say that "its like someone deciding that they want to go on a diet and say okay I need to cut out the carbs, sugar and sweet etc. after working so hard for a specific amount of time you go out to eat with friends and they order chocolate cake. You know what you said you would eat and you know that is it bad for you but the temptation is so hard now you're stuck with the decision to go against what you know you shouldn't do and regret it later or should you stick to your guns and not have it at all. Know we all know that that cake should not be eaten but you feel that you put in the hard work, sweat, and tears and you deserve a piece of that chocolate cake but what do a person do. Again I understand this situation is deeper than a piece of chocolate cake and I wish it was just that easy to choose LOL but it real life.

While guys I think this is it for me... There is no need to continue with my F'ed up stories. I ended it last night. I'm sadden, disappointed, can't stop crying, don't know what I'm going to do... He still doesn't not want out Promised me that he will NEVER bring it up again and he's sorry, he doesn't want to lose me. But as you all know he sang that song before I'm just feed up have been for sometime and I guess was hoping it was a phase he was going through being his age. Thanks for all of your harsh and kind words of advice. I took what some of you said in consideration but my decision was based on what I needed to do. I will be moving out in a few weeks. I just hope I can make it in the same house with him that long without going back. Pray for me. Now, I will need words of encouragement and how to move on in order to get past this. My kids are hurt, sad and I just don't know what to do know SIGH))).

I know what you mean Homegirl but it is always easier for someone to say what they would do but it is sometime hard to do just what you say. I understand that the scenario below is different but its relative to say that "its like someone deciding that they want to go on a diet and say okay I need to cut out the carbs, sugar and sweet etc. after working so hard for a specific amount of time you go out to eat with friends and they order chocolate cake. You know what you said you would eat and you know that is it bad for you but the temptation is so hard now you're stuck with the decision to go against what you know you shouldn't do and regret it later or should you stick to your guns and not have it at all. Know we all know that that cake should not be eaten but you feel that you put in the hard work, sweat, and tears and you deserve a piece of that chocolate cake but what do a person do. Again I understand this situation is deeper than a piece of chocolate cake and I wish it was just that easy to choose LOL but it real life.


I see absolutely no connection between the chocolate cake analogy and a man who is abusing you psychologically and attempting to talk you into doing something which you do not feel is in your interest.

In fact, the " ... we all know that the cake should not be eaten but you feel that you put in the hard work, sweat and tears and you do deserve a piece of that chocolate cake ..."

What is the connection there?

You are not the only person on AMHD who has had to make difficult decisions in life. Many people have been in your shoes, in a relationship which isn't working in some way, and have gathered up the strength and courage to do what is best for him or her. You are not alone. People are advsiing based on experience, knowledge, education. Did I mention experience?

I have a very dear friend who calls a couple of times a week to tell me how her marriage has failed and how she wishes she had the strength to leave him and how emotionally abusive her husband is. After over a year I'm getting tired of hearing it. There must be some benefit to her in that relationship or she would leave. Either she's encouraging the abuse - or enjoys it on some level.

And, yes, I know what I would do were I in your position - but I've already said that more than once.

You are not the only wife/girlfriend/woman in the World who has been approached for a three-some, who didn't want to participate, who had to make a tough decision.

While guys I think this is it for me... There is no need to continue with my F'ed up stories. I ended it last night. I'm sadden, disappointed, can't stop crying, don't know what I'm going to do... He still doesn't not want out Promised me that he will NEVER bring it up again and he's sorry, he doesn't want to lose me. But as you all know he sang that song before I'm just feed up have been for sometime and I guess was hoping it was a phase he was going through being his age. Thanks for all of your harsh and kind words of advice. I took what some of you said in consideration but my decision was based on what I needed to do. I will be moving out in a few weeks. I just hope I can make it in the same house with him that long without going back. Pray for me. Now, I will need words of encouragement and how to move on in order to get past this. My kids are hurt, sad and I just don't know what to do know SIGH))).


Everything changed in the 13 minutes between your two posts?

Why are you waiting a "few weeks" to do something? If you want to protect yourself legally you don't/won't move out. You'll consult with an Attorney and follow his/her advice.

As far as praying for you - have you posted on one of the religious boards?

Your children know your husband has this swinger, 3-some fantasy?

Everything changed in the 13 minutes between your two posts?

Why are you waiting a "few weeks" to do something? If you want to protect yourself legally you don't/won't move out. You'll consult with an Attorney and follow his/her advice.

As far as praying for you - have you posted on one of the religious boards?

Your children know your husband has this swinger, 3-some fantasy?

I have to wait a few weeks to find a place to live, not to mention I've already paid my rent until the end of next month and I have no money while not enough. It will give me a little more time to save a little more $. Find schools for the children, and a place. I have no one here to stay with during this transition. But I'm sure I will make it. I was at least smart enough to save $ in my own bank account he does not know about. I have to pack and my children are in school as well as some unfinished business. As for my children knowing about the 3some thing of course they do not know they are very young 4-18.

I have to wait a few weeks to find a place to live, not to mention I've already paid my rent until the end of next month and I have no money while not enough. It will give me a little more time to save a little more $. Find schools for the children, and a place. I have no one here to stay with during this transition. But I'm sure I will make it. I was at least smart enough to save $ in my own bank account he does not know about. I have to pack and my children are in school as well as some unfinished business. As for my children knowing about the 3some thing of course they do not know they are very young 4-18.


You said your children are upset - you've discussed the separation/divorce with them.

Again - you are foolish if you leave without consulting with an Attorney.

You said your children are upset - you've discussed the separation/divorce with them.

Again - you are foolish if you leave without consulting with an Attorney.

No we or shall I say I have not discussed with our children yet. He has a tendency to announce to the neighborhood when he doesn't get his way they know that we are not working out and the atmosphere can be cut with a knife but I do plan to seek law counsel before proceeding.

No we or shall I say I have not discussed with our children yet. He has a tendency to announce to the neighborhood when he doesn't get his way they know that we are not working out and the atmosphere can be cut with a knife but I do plan to seek law counsel before proceeding.


Thank you from me! I didn't want to see you get "hurt" by a breakup.

Yes, I know what you mean. There's too much salt in the soup and a general announcement is made!