Two years ago I started seeing a man from work. We started as flirty friends, which later grew into friends with benefits. Over time though, we started to grow attached to one another & expressed our love countless times. That was until he told me he was going to go to England for a month to visit an old childhood friend/sweetheart. I was devastated & demanded to know what I was to him. He'd said that it was a difficult situation because we are coworkers. He'd said that he'd always thought he was going to marry the girl... Until I came along. Apparently, I somehow changed everything - but I couldn't wrap my head around why he wanted to be with her while continuing to sleep with me behind her back. Livid, I tried ending all contact with him. I was successful until he decided to email me from ENGLAND saying how he couldn't stop thinking about me & how confusing it all was. I fell for it. He came back home & we continued to do our thing as normal. It took me several months before I decided to finally ask him again if he was ever going to choose (Not like an ultimatum where he couldn't be friends with her or anything). Eventually he told me that he wanted to see where things went with the England girl. Crushed, for the second time.

After that, I cut off contact for two months. We still worked together, but I never spoke to him. During this time, an old friend of mine decided we should hang out. I was all for new company and so I agreed. Little did I know, she'd gotten into some pretty bad drugs. Weak & not in the right frame of mind, I started falling into that scary downward spiral that drugs often lead you. Until one night when I was with some of her guy friends. I'd gotten pretty messed up in the head... But not enough to know that they were trying to do things I didn't want...

Long story short, I stopped hanging out with her & that crowd. However going from heartbroken to mind/soul-crushed, I needed someone to turn to. Beardy man had always told me he would be here when I was ready to be friends again... So I confided in him. We were able to maintain friends only for a short while, but eventually things fell back into their old routine.

Here I am, 2 years after meeting & falling in love with this man, while he is currently on a plane flying back to England for yet another month. Ever since my drug experience, he and I have been off and on while he claims to be with this girl in England. It breaks my heart and I don't know what to do. In all honesty, I'd thought I was over him the third time around... He's been my best friend. But my nonstop crying all day has made me face the fact that I still love him, despite everything, and I don't know what to do. :/


P.S. I guess that make me pretty selfish, to continue to sleep with a seemingly "taken" man. However, he begged me to stay friends every time I told him I needed space. For some reason though, we never work as "just friends". Something always happens.

He's using you. No matter how much of that is conscious and how much just "the way it works", the ultimate truth is that you are in love with the lies you chose to believe. He doesn't love you. "Confusion" isn't as valid as an excuse for men as it may be for women. To at least some extent he is choosing to play with you and to deceive you. Anyone can be a good friend if their prize is your body, anyone can tell you they love you, give you presents, make you feel special. That doesn't take that much effort. But actions don't lie. He doesn't truly care for you, he definitely doesn't love you, no matter how he himself may believe it, but you will be the one to spiral further down, the only victim of this relationship. It's time to end it, and you already know you can't work as friends. Do that for yourself, your own future. Every hour you waste with this man who doesn't really love you, you are delaying the moment you will meet a man who does.

My mom still blamed my dad for all the wrong things that have turned out
In her life. She blamed him for her 2nd unwanted pregnancy with another
Man and told me that she just went crazy when my married someone else even
Though she had me already. I stayed with my dad all my life and I just met
Mom 2 years ago. She told me how much she still loves my dad even after she
Also got married at the age of 47. She's 49 now. To get to my point, I
Don't think that anyone should be blamed for her second unwanted pregnancy
But herself. When you hit rock bottom with those drugs, you should have turned your life around and make better judgments. You're not getting any younger
So make the most out of your life and be with someone who'll appreciate you
More and who can show you to the whole world. He couldn't do that with you,
Then why do you still love him? I know the answer. Because you love him.

Love, love, love. Try to be more firm and stand by your decisions.

My mom still blamed my dad for all the wrong things that have turned out in her life. She blamed him for her 2nd unwanted pregnancy with another man and told me that she just went crazy when my married someone else even though she had me already. I stayed with my dad all my life and I just met mom 2 years ago. She told me how much she still loves my dad even after she also got married at the age of 47. She's 49 now. To get to my point, I don't think that anyone should be blamed for her second unwanted pregnancy but herself. When you hit rock bottom with those drugs, you should have turned your life around and make better judgments. You're not getting any younger so make the most out of your life and be with someone who'll appreciate you more and who can show you to the whole world. He couldn't do that with you, then why do you still love him? I know the answer. Because you love him.

Love, love, love. Try to be more firm and stand by your decisions.

I don't understand how this answers the question or addresses this situation.

What am I missing?