To start, I am 25 and have a 16month old son with the woman that I am having troubles with. We have been together for 4 years and engaged for about a year and a half. 2 weeks ago she was talking about having a smaller wedding so that finances weren't holding marriage back, I agreed, but just a few days later she told me that she "Doesn't think she loves me for any more than our son's father." I know this isn't true for many reasons, but I took it for what I believed it was, a breakup. She told me I didn't have to leave even though it was obvious to me she was wanting space. Being devastated from those words and her needing some space, I went to stay with a friend. We had been through a very similar case where I moved out of town for work and after a month she was begging me to come home, and after that everything was great. This feels all too familiar to that.

I have to admit, I am divorced from a woman that cheated on me several times until I finally had enough and stood up for myself by leaving her. I do to an extent have a jealousy issue with my current lady. She is a very friendly, very social woman and even when I met her had a lot of guy friends that she talked to regularly. I had no issue with it at first, but the closer we got the more my jealousy grew. My jealousy has driven me to snooping on her in which I often find simple civil conversations with old male friends, but I always take it completely wrong as if she was my ex-wife with intentions of getting in bed with them.

Recently, for the third time total, I snooped again after she had told me she "didn't know if she loved me like that anymore." I found an e-mail where a class-mate of hers invited her on a date. She accepted, but she then lied about dropping her phone in the toilet to him as to avoid him. She then told him that "she was sorry that it seemed like she was avoiding him, she clearly likes him just isn't good at this dating thing." This all happened immediately after our break-up, but I'm sure her friendly nature had already been expressed towards the guy before then which probably gave him the idea of a date. I know that this is a huge issue for her, me showing a distrust in her and making her feel guilty for just talking to people, and I do believe it has a great deal to do with her being confused about me right now.

I have known her to be honest no matter what, and she has told me to ease my mind that with our son and everything, the idea of dating someone else freaks her out. She claims that is why she tried to avoid him and told me her saying she liked him was a lie. I've always got the vibe that she often is afraid to hurt people's feelings so she fibs, unless of course it's me, where she is usually straight-forward and not afraid to hurt me with the truth. However, my distrust in women from my past, lead by what I read with my own eyes makes it hard to accept.

I returned home for sometime and then left again a few days ago after she had a breakdown that seemed directly linked to stress from me, her repeating again and again that she didn't want me there and we weren't together. I told her I'd give her the space she needed in hopes that it would be therapeutic to her and to just let me know if she needs me. I've failed so far at NC, but I have every intention of succeeding with it in the coming days. It is very hard in my case because of our son and our strong co-parenting beliefs. She still calls me babe, says she loves me, and is well aware that she has made mistakes as well. She forgives me for mine and even came out saying "There is hope, just not right now."

I am looking for mostly advice, and opinions if they are strong. Am I completely wrong for being upset about the e-mails that I dug up, even with being split up? Building trust is hard I know, but for the sake of not only how great our friendship has been in the past, but for the sake of our relationship's affect on our child, should I go all in on trying to rebuild it if she commits to the same? From what I have written, what does it seem like she is going through? How should I handle NC with a child involved? If she contacts me to ask to see me or to say she loves me, how should I respond?

It's hard for me to not think that she see's me as that person that will always come running back when asked to. To be honest, I probably would, because she's more than just my best friend, she is the mother of my son. I can't help but wonder if I'm at that stage in grief where I blame myself for all the wrong and deny the inevitable. Thanks for any advice!

Wow, this is a difficult situation. I see her problems as well as yours.

I never approve of snooping unless you are well prepared to deal with what you find. Innocent conversations out of context can be devastating. It is entirely possible that she said "yes" to a date because she didn't know what else to say... and then didn't know how to get out of it. And was it a date? Lunch? Something else? If she's very sociable she may have said yes as a knee jerk reaction and then regretted her words.

At any rate - yes, I don't think you have a right to be upset about emails that, to begin with, occurred when you were not together. Then add the snooping and her changing the plans to that mixture.

I don't see a problem with contact as long as you're checking on your son and not trying to pin her into a corner.

Only you know how to respond if she contacts you. How many times can you go through this scenario and remain sane?

I don't see that a complete break up is inevitable. I think she honestly does need some time and space to think - the question is... why?

It was a lunch date, and I think you are right about the knee-jerk reaction, it's the thought I had as I sit in my misery, lol. The question IS why, and I honestly blame myself, and with your thoughts on the topic I tend to believe it is actually so and not just me grieving. Thanks much.

Well, as a woman sometimes I've said "yes" to a meeting (not necessarly a date) because I was startled, didn't expect it, didn't want to hurt someone's feelings, who knows. I wouldn't be terribly upset about that.

Everyone says "try a counsellor." I'm going to say that, too. Together would be very good. Alone would not be bad.

You've been living with her, you have a child together. Can you sit her down and ask her honestly what she wants, expects, where she wants to go from here? Maybe she wants it over but doesn't know how to tell you without hurting you. Maybe she's just confused.

Caring for a child will zap the brains out of you on some occasions. Might that be it?

She owes it to you to give you an explanation. This up and down is going to kill the relationship - and she needs to know that.

You need to learn to control your jealousy. Accepting those tendencies along with punishing your current relationship based on past experiences is very wrong. Not something that you should accept, but something that you should try your best to fix, if you can't, then seek professional help. As far as this relationship goes, the kid will never stop being yours, you need to give her complete space, she seems overwhelmed by the way you have been treating her. Use this as a lesson learned... do not EVER look at someone's privacy.

Your problem sir, is that you have allowed the bad experiences of the past to poison this new relationship and has led you to unacceptable bad behavior. You do know that for a year, or two after childbirth a female has to be supported to heal, and in that you have been distracted by your hurt feelings.

As of now, focus on being a good dad, (a great one) and NOT a puppy looking to come back home. Get yourself under control, your family needs strength, and solid judgment, not emotional weakness. Dude this female is in your life for 18 years, and now while your child is just an infant, give her all the space she needs to adjust and heal, and make sure she has everything she needs from afar.

Forget the relationship, let her lead in her time, her way, and see how it goes. You just be there with the broad shoulders and steady hand. There is no such thing as NO Contact for you my friend, because you have a job to do as father, and provider, whether she wants you back, or not!

Not an easy adjustment for you to make, but as it stands, you have few options other than do what you are supposed to do, and let the emotional dust settle for you both. She needs time, give it to her, and use YOUR time to be better.

Good luck my friend, I think you can do this.

It's unreal how helpful just the few answers given are. Thank you all so much. I DO have a jealousy problem and I WILL get it under control. Myself confidence was crushed by my past marriage and I've let it bleed over into raging jealousy in my current (and much more meaningful) relationship.

I have only done well with giving her space on occasions so far, and still have much more work to do in that area. I am feeling much more confident now in myself and less worried about if she is seeking something else, but those thoughts of her saying she liked this other guy, and the possibility that she allowed him to court her does find it's way in my mind from time to time. However, I am growing more to realize that is out of my control, to let it be, and to just take care of MY responsibilities, and the rest will follow.

We did sit down and have a level headed conversation and at it's conclusion she was comfortable with saying we are still "together" rather than broken up like before. She just needed some time to cool down from being enraged at my snooping. We are prepared to seek counseling, if not for the current situation then at least for improving our communication (which has been stale for a long time now) and my jealousy issues. She also told me part of the reason her feelings have changed is because I don't seem to be doing anything with my life. Granted, I am a full-time student now after deciding to give up dead end jobs for a real career in something that I am already talented in, but when we met I was very active in music and song writing, played in bands, and I guess the further along we got in our relationship, the less interest I had in the things that I once loved. I am now writing again, attending school full-time still, and just found a weekend job to supplement the income. I'm doing them because I want to, not for her... that was also something she made a point of. I totally agree, it's not attractive to be the way I have been.

Lastnight I went to the house and watched our son while she went out with her sister that is in town from out of state, and it was probably only the second time she has ever been out since having him (and the first barely counts because he slept terribly without the ability to nurse). It was normally an issue of her not wanting to be away from him, not that I wouldn't do it (I love, love, love being a dad and spending time with my son). I told her to go have fun, don't worry about things here and told her sister to remind her that everything is OK, to just let loose. At about 1AM we started texting, she was a little tipsy, but we flirted back and forth, and as soon as she walked in the house she dove right into the bed and, well the rest is private =). Yet still, this morning I started to crowd her again, instead of just letting what happened be and her fully enjoy it for what it was (and let myself enjoy it for what it was). That is something I AM working hard on, but failing at so far.

I really appreciate the advice and opinions, and I will keep an update going for anyone that might be curious. If there is any more advice I am still happy and willing to take it. Thanks again.

It sounds good, all good - you are both willing to work on the relationship.

Gets no better than that!

Please learn to control your jealously people are aloud to have friends and talk to people DONTgo snooping on people I don't agree with it.good luck