My boyfriend and I have been together for >7 years, we were high school sweethearts. After graduation, I went away to school (I chose to go away because it was an excellent program, and my family has been quite unstable- I needed to sort of get out of the city). During my program, in the first year- I became friends with an older guy that was in one of my electives. He wanted to get together and study and I didn't see anything wrong with it (we met in a library- nowhere private or anything). We met only a few times, and at times he got flirty but nothing inappropriate- I think its just his personality. He was a model and was showing me some of his pictures, anyway I ended up showing him a provocative photo of myself (Why? I have no freaking clue- I think it was more to brag and make a statement- "look! I can look great too") But it was inappropriate. Later on, after studying he walked me back to my residence (it was dark out- so it was more for safety- or so I thought). But then he tried to kiss me, our lips barely touched when I pushed him away and said I was not looking for another relationship (he was aware of my boyfriend, since the start). I haven't talked to that guy since. A year later, guilt came upon me because my boyfriend and I got more serious (he's a great guy, always been there for me through really hard times and I truly love him alot) I told him everything- that is everything except that I'd shown this guy the provocative photos of myself (I guess I just couldn't bring myself to do it- I was ashamed- still am.). Later that year, I got really drunk with some friends and cheated on him, we were never rocky or anything- I love my boyfriend a lot so I'm really not sure why I did it. I couldn't bear what I had done, I was feeling so low- the guilt followed me everywhere and I would randomly just start breaking out in tears, 2 days after it happened I broke down and told him everything that had happened. The next years after that were rocky as he wanted to always talk about it to understand it all further and I just wanted to forget it and move forward. Also he would get very disrespectful to me at times and just flat out rude. But now we're stable again & I love him (always have). I want to spend the rest of my life with him (and only him). I have taken measures to prevent it from happening again (like not drinking or going to parties or socail scenes without him). Now we both have jobs, and are saving for a house, I know it won't be long before he pops the question (and I can't wait). But I have been feeling a lot of guilt about not telling him that BIG detail about the provocative photo I showed that guy way back when, I guess I have been 95% honest with him, and the last 5% is eating me up. Should I tell him or let it go?

At this point, why tell him? All it will do is get rid of your guilt while hurting him all over again. Do you really need to hurt him just so you can feel better? Don't tell him... chances are very high that he'll never know.

Also, you need to search yourself and figure out why you showed this guy a picture like that AND why you had sex with someone else... you say you love your boyfriend but this is not what someone does when they love someone. Oh, and you can't use the "drunk" excuse because that doesn't work.

I would keep the details to myself. In fact, I don't know why you shared the details at all.

I am more concerned that you can't trust yourself to go to parties without him, drink or whatever else. He shouldn't have to be standing next to you to keep you from inappropriate or cheating behavior.

I agree with Odinn - alcohol was not the cause of the cheating.

EDIT: I don't think you are looking at your relationship clearly. Here you appear to indicate that things are rocky between you due to your cheating AND you were "taken advantage of" at a party. I see excuses. https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/dating/boyfriend-cant-get-around-past-639829.html

Your boyfriend watches porn which makes you feel second best. https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/dating/dang-messed-up-again-638387.html#post3044174

I think some counselling before you enter into marriage would be a very good idea.

Thanks for your input. I know it's a pointless clarification: but it wasn't sex- thank god. I agree that sharing the details would be more to ease my guilt than anything else, and I know that if I told him, he would likely be upset but stay with me because he just loves me too damn much. Its just a BIG detail to overlook, but I'll just have to cope with it. I just feel like he deserves more than me- I've expressed this to him, and all he says is that he would be devastated not to have me in his life. I just feel terrible. I watch those shows on TLC, all the wedding ones where they say their vows of honesty and what not, but how do I say those knowing Im keeping this secret? I just feel like I'm lying to him all over again, although I know its something he would rather not know or have to deal with.

It sounds as if you're more concerned with the cause of the cheating than anything else. I know you probably already think I'm quite stupid and pathetic. What kind of loving person would do something so hurtful. I do see how pathetic I was and how I failed us, it hurts me a lot still. Sad thing is; our whole high school, and all of our friends envy what we have, we both went to school, got great jobs with good wages, we're so blessed, our parents are all SO freaking proud of us! Everyone always says how we always seem so happy together. I don't know why it happened. We were not in a fight when it happened, I was not "out of love" with him, he came up to visit me all the time because he missed me while I was up at school and I missed him too. I don't think I was lonely. Up at school I was such a nerd, I had straight A's through all my courses (all science and maths!), and on my off time I would go to the gym (like twice a day most days), and hang out with my best-friend. All my friends are girls, I have never been one to hang around with guys other than mine. We had it all. I knew I would marry him. We had so many great memories and we've made it so far. We both just couldn't wait to be done with school so we can live together and live our happily ever after.

I can't put my finger on why it happened. I've always looked down on cheaters but now I am one. I know I drank a lot in school, like 3-4 times a week with friends each time >6 drinks. That particular night, I did drink a lot more than usual. I think he became a bit worried that something stupid like this would happen, but I thought he was crazy. A close family member of mine suffered from alcoholism for a LONG time, after all this happened I would join her to her A. A. meetings and really be able to relate to the member's stories. I promised myself that I would stop drinking- because I was and am scared that maybe I'll suffer from similar problems one day and I definitely don't want that. I think that I am an insecure person, maybe I did it to "feel good" about myself- how pathetic, I know. I know that I would not have done anything like that if I were sober. I just never would have. I do have a concience. Its hard. It feels like one day I was a good person with a good heart and the whole world in my hands and the next I as a bad person with no morals, no concience, all my achievements added up to nothing because I just felt like a failure living a lie, betraying the one person who has really always been there for me through my parents divorce and other family issues that affected me hard.

Our relationship was fine the first year after (I don't think it really sunk in). But after I moved home, it was like it happened yesterday and we were constantly dealing with it- for about another year and a half. He would ask for every little detail about that night, trying to understand it, and at times the part of him that resented me for what happened would come out and he would call me demeaning names- like "slut, whore, etc". It hurt so much to talk about it, I think I tried to bury it in my mind, the more I analyzed it, the lower I felt, the details hurt me, ashamed me, I was disgusted with myself and the more I thought about it, the more I hated myself. But shortly after he saw how much that stuff hurt me and he would stop and say that he knew deep down that I wasn't that person. He stopped calling me those kinds of names stuff shortly after, and for the most part we were a normal couple (back to ourselves) we enjoyed spending time together and would see each other often. The next way it affected us is that he developed a temper with me, and would snap at me for such tedious things, he just overall lost a lot of respect for me I guess- understandably so. But it hurt me a lot because it just made me "that person" when I was trying to make myself feel good again. Now I feel like were on level planes, and when he gets rude like that, he'll address it promptly. I think he's beginning to realize how poor he would treat me at times and feel bad- he's not that person either. He really does care about I feel and wants me to be happy in our relationship too. Once or twice in the past year, he would get upset over it and probe me with questions until I'd be uncontrollably upset again- I think every now and then he just needs to see how much it hurts me too, so he doesn't feel like he's making a mistake. He gets worried after times like that, that I will become suicidal. Ive never actually attempted anything like that but Im not going to lie, sometimes I feel so pathetic and like such a failure and let down and it runs through my mind- I would do that though. He says to talk to him about it, but he started a new job and I don't want to bring those things up anymore. Lately (past year or so), he just wants to get over it, he wants it to stop bothering us (its like a third wheel we won't to go away). Were so close to everything we've been waiting for, for so long (being done school, getting our first home, working our dream jobs, marriage etc.) Our expectations of this time and these events are so high and its a lot of pressure on btoh of us to be happy. These should be some of the best times of our life. I know that no matter what I want to spend the rest of my life with him & I know that he does with me, he does care about me as I do for him. I just feel so horrible & non-deserving of everything good in my life lately and part of me fears that this will all haunt me forever. Even though its years in our past, it still hurts so freaking bad.

You appear to be (literally) riddled with guilt. I can't decide if you want to confide in your boyfriend in order to lessen your guilty conscience OR hurt him OR let him know other men find you attractive.

You need to talk to someone and find out what the root problem is.

I definitely don't want to hurt him. He's been through enough with all of this. I hate myself for how I've made him feel.

I don't care if other men find me attractive. I know back then, when it happened, I think I did care more (I'm not sure, why). I think I was insecure about myself and looked for that type of attention to make myself feel more confident. <-- psycho right? I was definitely that girl with the fake bleach blonde hair, painted face, cleavage everywhere I went- and I felt good knowing I was a goodlooking person. Getting that kind of feedback- well I guess it boosted my confidence and I took pride in these superficial things. Its not like I did it because he didn't make me feel beautiful- I know he's attracted to me, he's always treated me right- it was me that was driving my own insecurities. And I always feel uncomfortable in new social situations- I think that's why I drank so much sometimes (because I felt like I fit in). That incident changed who I am now though. I think I realized all my insecurities, after the fact. I was quite disgusted with myself- ashamed, really. I now dyed my hair back to my natural color, I don't wear much makeup at all, Im not comfortable showing skin in my clothing like I used to be, and I quit drinking altogether. I find my attitude towards that kind of thing changed. If men flirt with me or compliment me, I feel guilt and disgust and look at myself to see how I can avoid that type of attention now and make it crystal clear that Im not enjoying that information.

I know I have a guilty conscience, and I have been having a hard time lately dealing with everything that happened and who I was to him. I know he deserves better, and I know I have changed, but it still hurts that I hurt him like that. He's my rock. I think the idea of marriage getting closer, is making worse. I want him to feel all the emotions he's supposed to feel- not doubt or sadness or any of this. I think I ruined what are supposed to be some of our happiest moments. I stole that from him, and I can't give it back.

Thanks for all of your opinions though, it helps to hear for a third party that Im not holding that back for selfish reasons. I felt torn as to whether it would be right for me to tell him or spare him more pain. I know he wouldn't leave me- even if I would tell him, because he loves me too much. I just want to do the right thing I guess. I am a better person, I just can't get past the fact that I can't fix my mistakes and make this all go away. Its affected us a lot.