Threads merged

Hi, can anyone help.
I've been dating a women my age, but after a month, she turns around and saids I'm acting in manipulative nature.

I don't feel that I have, just confused now. Here what she texted me.

I'm not going to lie to you as I'm not ok. I feel you are pushing me and that the things you have said are of a manipulative nature. I have enough stress without any more from you and still think cooling things is a good idea. If you don't want to stay friends then that's your choice, however at the moment that is all I can offer x

Did u, by any chance say anything to her about her friends, family etc? Did you guys ever have a fight on either of your ex? Did you ask her to do some sexual favors? Did you ever talk to her emotionally?

Hi silver lining, thanks for your reply.

Well at first she made it clear that she wasn't looking for a relationship,but because I am really fond of her I didn't listen, well 50/50 when she said let take it slow. She said I don't have to keep calling her every day but me and my foolish self thought it was good to keep in contact. I sent her texts some text she replied and other she didn't. So when she said I don't have to be in contact all the time, I said about the text what didn't reply to. She just went off on one. Seeing thing in my question. I felt ill of what she said how I pushed her in my words. I didn't realize I was like that. But it hit home, so I sent her a text saying I do what she asking i.e we will talk in a couple of days to see what I want to do. I got a text back saying thank u.

And I left it as that. Can you help please

But I'm confused.


P.S. I did say stuff emotionally did not say things about her family or ask 4 sexual favors.

The problem is I feel and she told me, she is stressed out about losing her job/ being evicted plus her dads very ill.
And with me being a fool has blown it being pushy.

Well, she was clear that she didn't wan any serious relationship,, keeping in touch is good, but constantly texting is kind of pushy,, give her some space,, u said she is worried about her job and her father,, give her time to relax,, send one last text saying your giving her some time/space and she can get back to you if she needs u. until then, u WILL NOT text her. Wait for her text.

Thank you silver lining you have helped me a lot in my thinking. I sent her a tex yesterday saying I stand by what's she asking from me. And left it as that. Thanks again silver linning !

well, she was clear that she didn wan any serious relationship,,, keeping in touch is good, but constantly texting is kinda pushy,,, give her some space,,, u said she is worried about her job and her father,,, give her time to relax,,, send one last text saying ur giving her some time/space and she can get back to u if she needs u. until then, u WILL NOT text her. wait for her text.

That's the advice I would give, just leave her alone for a while to get her act together. Romance and dating are not on her agenda right now. I doubt you could be a good friend, the kind she needs. But for sure date others, do your own thing, and explore other options for fun and dates.

Something tells me it will be quite a while before she is open to your friendship.

Threads merged

We met today and had a chat, it went well, I said I'm sorry smothering her. She text me this after a couple of hours later... She said thanks for chat today and understanding my
Current situation. Was it right for me to say your welcome & I'm here for u

Is she your EX? You did not indicate that. If yes all I can say is you did right as long as you love her and wants her back.

Hoyte, I've asked the mods to merge this thread with your other one, as it will be more clear what you're asking with all the information you provided on your other thread.

Please, keep all updates related to the same issue on one thread, it just makes it easier for anyone else coming along to answer your question.

Thank you.

Thank u

No not ex, a women who have been dating, but I come across pushy, and she's going though tuff times, and with me on board and pushy, asked to cooling things.she wasn't ready for a relationship, but friendship for now. The question I would like to know is shall I let her do the first move instead of asking her to call or tex?
Thank you if u can help my thinking!!

Let her come to you.

It's not wrong that you told her you'd be there for her, but having said that, let her come to you if she wants you to be there for her.

Since she's made it clear that she doesn't want to date, just wants a friend, then be that. Be a friend.

Hey thanks alty. Just need to think about trying to keep the talk to being friends and not talk about how much I'm fond of her.

First get it in your mind there will be no romance just friendship. That's the only way you can avoid the trap of high hopes for more than friendship later. Matter of fact staying friends with someone will keep you seeing hope in every FRIENDLY gesture of friendship, and confuse the heck out of you.

Chances are while in the friends zone you will be so stuck on her that her dating or future romantic life will hurt like hell. Not only jealousy, but she will be to busy to have time for a friendship the way you want it, and its possible you are thinking staying in her life as a close friend will get you romance in the end.

It seldom works that way and as long as you are so focused on being her friend, and staying in her life hoping she changes her mind and sees you for love, you will never be happy with the life you need to build without her, and your thoughts will be consumed by her.

Not a healthy way to live hoping some one will give you what you want, when they just don't want to.

You just don't wrap your life around her being a friend, guy. Especially since you know as fact she is not as into you, as you are her.

Thanks talaniman.
That had helped knowing it will go that way. The problem I can't get is, she does fancy/ like me, she has told me that. Its just the wrong timing to get involved as she's want to get her life back on track from the hard times she going though, is it wrong for me to think with me in her life would ease her way of thinking about feeling low.
Anyway she tex me yesterday asking how I am have a great day and all that. Then on the end of the tex, said she feels a little more positive & thank you for being there for me.. It mean a lot.
But what does it mean. Her life / me and her or just friendship talk. Confuss . Com here!!

Another question, is it better to text back straight away or wait like she does to show her I can slow down for us to happen again?
I sent a tex back hours after she tex me but when I tex her she takes a day. Is this my sign?
Thanks if you can help

If you cannot text and go about your business, then don't text, or return her texts. NO CONTACT is what you need because your feelings for her are in the way of being a good friend, and you have a false interpretation of her words, and ignore her actions.

You cannot see her as just a text BUDDY can YOU? That's why you need a healthy dose of NC!! A year should do it.

I agree with Tal.

It seems that you want to be friends with her in hopes that she'll see you as more than a friend.

If you can't accept that friendship is all she has to offer you, then it's best that you cut her out of your life, for her sake and yours.

Threads merged

She not looking for a serious relationship yet. And asked for cooling thing because, its going to fast.
My question to that is. What's the best way to talk to her, as a friend leaving out what's my heart is asking.so we take it slow.
Please help thanks all.

Ps to the above, should I call her to mention I understand her Current situation and I would like to take it slow.

Thanks talaniman and alty.
Ok, this is where it get complicated,I'm involed in a team, where I'm a partner from building it up. Her son drives for us and she comes along to give him support. So we are all talking So letting her go from my heart and be friends feels it will work between us. Do u think this will work ?

You can take this for what is worth but what I have found out is that if a girl says she needs some time that means she has a lot of decisions on her plate... I would simply send her a text and say I understand and leave it at that... do not call her do not text her do not chase her what so ever... respect what she wants... if she contacts you then answer the question and that is it... dont be cold but just answer her question... you now have to let her do the work and see if this is what she wants... if it is she will start to talk to you more and more and eventually she will ask you to do something... right now all you can do is be understand, be patient, and keep yourself busy until you see what cards she is going to play... I hope this helps and like I mentioned this is only from my experience...

Take it slow. May be going too fast has scared her a bit. Most of the time when a girl asks to take it slow, it means she still has a lot of things at her end to be sorted out.

It by no means means that she is rejecting you. Respect her space, and give her some time. Do not call her. Just text her saying you understand and willing to take it slow the way she wants it. Then wait for things to develop. She herself will let you know when she wants to go on.

Thank you for further details of the situation. But I am confused as to why she must go with her son while you conduct your business. Is she involved in some way?

In any regard, if you must see her, or be around her in the normal course of business, then you are polite and strictly business until you get control of your heart, and make it realize that its unrealistic to ACT on romantic hopes and feelings.

The feelings are normal, and like all emotions must be acknowledged by you, but take no actions because of them. It is a harder thing to exercise the discipline and self control when always exposed to the object of those feelings, but with time and practice you will.

Its no different than being rejected by a school crush, and feeling bad for a while as you see her in class all year. Since you cannot remove yourself, or her, from this situation, then you endure with class, dignity, and self respect.

Thanks chiper7777 & indya for your comments means a lot.
I did speak to her the other day, and said I understand where she at. And said I sorry for smother her. She look at me with a big smile and said thank u 4 understanding but I left out I would like to take it slow.so now I didn't say that I'm wondering if she taking it that I'm walking away. But I want her to know I do want to take it slow. I had not made contact since 2 days ago. And she hasn't contacted me as well.is this a sign she moved on or thinking things over. Im doing what she has asked, giving her space to think. I kind of feel good in myself because I would have kept on her case, but I think she the 1 I didn't go of my nut and listin to her.
Thanks again!

All you can do now is keep busy... there is no need to tell her that you want to take it slow she already knows that you are respecting her and that is all she wants... whether that respect brings her back to you or not only time will tell... if you start to get down on yourself just say that you are giving her what she wants and if you really love her that is what you want to do give her what she wants even if it hurts... She will respect you and you have left yourself in a very good light... whatever you do do not CONTACT her about anything... because this will be violating the space she asked for and two you will only hurt if you do not get the response you want... be tough stay busy... and see what happens...

Chiper thanks what you are saying makes sense. Im doing just that in this moment in time and I taken on overtime at work on my days off. Because I would be stuck in my room going insane. Hey that is true what your saying about me wanting to tell her I want to take it slow. Im feeling some what ill thinking about her. Its getting to the stage when I'm pissing people off talking of her. So from now on I'm going to keep well busy so my heart calm down so I can think straight.
Thank you very much has cheerd me up!!
Respect is due

Hi talaniman.
The only involment she has for being there is to support her son, plus he works there, so she takes & picks him up.
When I saw her last week, I was calm,polite and spoke from my head.
Not my heart. I'm not angry with her,
So I believe next time we have contact will be fine from both sides. I will take on broad what your saying so my head is in the right place. For me to acknowledged my emotion, am I right to look at the object as a negative
And go with the flow talking as friends?





Time will tell.

It seems like both of you want different things. The really liking her and not paying attention to what she told you is a problem. No point in looking for something on someone who is not willing to give you what you want, I would suggest moving on completely.

U could be true mmresd, but I don't think we want different things. If I listin then we would not be in this mess. She has a lot on her plate. And you know when your stressed things has to be sorted out first. Its all about the timing and I picked the wrong time!!

Why even devote time and effort to someone that wants you to go slow without a commitment? Makes no sense to me and certainly not a reason to NOT put more time and effort into exploring OTHER options, and opportunities for yourself.

I mean you can still go slow with her without letting her hold your heart hostage.

Ok, I understand and don't understand. The thing is we haven't spoke like we used to for about a week or so on the phone,I've done what she has asked. In the way off cooling things.But I saw her yesterday because it was team day and she was there, she saw me and said I look abit nevours,which I was abit I said because I don't know what your doing. Everything OK she said. We chatted most of the day talking about her goings on with the things what she need to sort out, and it felt good.she didn't even try to avoid me, and talked every time we saw each other. But now I'm here and she there, I thought everything was OK. But the bit I
Don't understand is, why do I feel like I've missed something in the
Friendship part. Because she don't call or tex, or I'm I wanting abit
More from her?
So I'm lost in a way is she holding me at arms lengh. In case of my
Heart running mad about her again. Or is she still cooling thing.
Down still. Is there a way I can talk to her to get across to her to realize my heart has calmed down. Or should I not force the issue and leave how it is and let her come back to me.
Please help thank u
There are question I want to ask her but will she listin?

I think this is about not getting what you want from her. I think you keep it very light since you are around her, and not give in to that urge to convince her that you have feelings and want to be around her more.

You think she doesn't know all that already? Of course she does, so stay cool, and keep that intense personal stuff to yourself.

Hey thanks for your input.with you saying that I hope I haven't messed up the situation again, down to me texing her the day after wondering if she got home save. She texed back saying she did, and virsa/ versa. Then went quiet again.sometime I think she playing a game and others I think she not.
Is there anything I can do or say to get her going half way?
Thanks again

Yes, going NO contact.

Sorry I mean coming half way



Ps,I don't know if I should shut down a social site,she hasn't deleted me or do I keep it on to show her I'm cooling things. If I delete her would that tell her my feeling for her still strong?

Hoyte my friend, you need to really stop worrying about the message you send her all together, or any romance with her all together. Its really simple, you stop pursuing her, and spying on her, and hoping she changes her mind about you.

You simply get on with your life and do the No Contact as you can, and be polite when you have to see her. You have a life without her that makes you happy is my message to you.

Hoyte my friend, you need to really stop worrying about the message you send her all together, or any romance with her all together. Its really simple, you stop pursuing her, and spying on her, and hoping she changes her mind about you.

You simply get on with your life and do the No Contact as you can, and be polite when you have to see her. You have a life without her that makes you happy is my message to you.

I have to spread the rep, but 100 greenies to Tal. Dead on accurate post.

Hoyte, you're in the friend zone, that's where she's put you. As a friend you don't have to worry about what you say, do, or email.

If she changes her mind then great, but don't wait around for it to happen, because it may never happen.

Go out, live your life, have fun, meet new girls, and leave her be.

Hey guys, thanks 4 all your input. Guess what she got intouch this morning. And said things with her life are changing for the good. And I was mention in her life. We will be meeting up in a though days time. She said that she does like me fancy me and want me in her life. The no contact really really works. Thanks again! Nuff respect

Hello again well that lasted long. Ok, I think I have really upset her. With what I said what my heart is saying. I text her a message saying how I feel and she texted this back.

"Can u help or tell me the truth please. pls don't send msgs like this, u clearly haven't listened to what I have said to u previously.
I'm not looking for a relationship and I have said this countless times! Yr upsetting me by not respecting what I have said and there isn't going to an us!
The extra pressure u have put on me at a very difficult time in my life is just not acceptable, u said u were ok with friends yet u keep sending msgs like that!
I didn't ask u or jeff to help me move as u said things like he only wants me for himself! That made me feel very uncomfortable being around him and u! Back off and think before u say and do things that involve me!
If u really r my friend u will actually listen this time!".

STOP contacting her. It will only keep bring your hopes up. It is time to go no contact for real this time, it is time to move on.

if you cannot text and go about your business, then don't text, or return her texts. NO CONTACT is what you need because your feelings for her are in the way of being a good friend, and you have a false interpretation of her words, and ignore her actions.

You cannot see her as just a text BUDDY can YOU? Thats why you need a healthy dose of NC!!! A year should do it.

I hate repeating myself, and I really do hate to be right, or proved to be right, because I have been through what you are going through. Its confusing hurtful, and just plain sucks.

Do the right thing and start NO CONTACT immediately, disappear from her life, and ignore forever any contact she makes (If she does), and HEAL, like you were told a long time ago.

Yes I know your right but, I don't understand if she doesn't want to no. Why hasn't she deleted herself from my web page. So u know why I feel like this. Or is she waiting for me to back right iff to give her time. Its very hard because I will be seeing her when we start racing. So when that happens should I give back the cold shouder. Part of me wants to give her a price off my mind. Because she said what she wants to say, but haven't gave me the time of day to say how I feel I'm lost.com thanks again buddy

Yes I know your right, there's plenty my fish in the sea. Im going to start right now. Thanks again.

One of the first signs of confusion, and desperation is asking what's on an individuals mind. Actually you are trying to understand why people do what they do, and I have to tell you that's a mystery even to them sometimes. Maybe she is playing a game, as confusion is also a tool of manipulation.

Whatever the reason, no matter what the game is or the thinking behind it, ALWAYS be prepared to follow your own path, and have your own plan. Do not follow whatever she is up to. This are the things that trigger old feelings and thoughts, and adds hurt and confusion.

NO CONTACT is your protection, and safety net to eliminate confusion, and gain control over intense feelings of attraction. Then you can make choices based on facts, and not just those intense, confusing feelings.