LovesLostLamb
Jan 31, 2012, 04:00 AM
This is quite a long one... So if you do take the time to read and reply, thank you!
I've been in a relationship with an amazing girl for 5 years now. When we first met it was surely love at first sight,The first time I ever kissed her I can't even explain how the butterflies were going ape s h I t in my stomach, I had never felt that before, a bit of background, at that point in my life I was semi known for being a rough kid (Well built, Got involved in the wrong crowds, a lot of fights etc, used to be tagged as a player and so on) she was attracted to the "bad boy" image(She tells me all the time that's what initially attracted her to me) after 6 months everything I was involved in I had managed to get out of, and the next step which (looking back now was very abrupt) was getting engaged, yup, we got engaged just 7-8 months after meeting. As time went by I had a good job, bought a house, I've always been the type of person who if I put my mind to something there's nothing I can't do. To try and cut a long story short, we started arguing a lot, and eventually we called off the engagement, and shortly after that, moved out from each other, I sold the house and SHE decided we needed to take a break, I begged and pleaded that we sort things out and get back together, for every suggestion I made she had an excuse as to why it wouldn't work...
On the night of what would've been our 2 year anniversary, she arrived at a local pub where I had become somewhat of a regular with a friend of hers and 2 other guys (I.e 1 guy to each girl) after all along telling me how much I meant to her but she wasn't sure if we should be together. Eventually I decided screw it! Why must I stick around and wait for someone else if I've been trying all this time and gotten no response, then out of no where she approached me and kissed me, telling me how much of a mistake it was for her to have left me and how much she loves me etc.
So moving on, after 2 years of ups and downs in the relationship, I bought a bigger house and we moved in together again. Then similar signs to the first breakup started appearing, constant fights etc, lack of interest in the bedroom and so forth. (Just for the record I'm going to state that I'm a very sexual person, and at my age being under 30 sex is still quite a big thing to me? Yes its not everything but it does show the spark and attraction between people and shouldn't be something planned but something spontaneous between 2 people) One Friday night she went out saying she was spending the evening with her sister having a girls night out and that the "work function" they were going to I couldn't attend, it didn't bother me at all, she'd been on many girls nights out in the past. Eventually I got a call from a friend of mine who was dating a girl that works at the same place asking me "where are you, why aren't you here, you were invited" So I explained my case, a few seconds later she grabs the phone and says she made a mistake I'm welcome to pop by she didn't know that it was an "open" braai. (south African version of a Barbecue) So I visited and she again said that she wanted to just spend the eve with her sister and have a girls night out. (Lets jump ahead in time) 5:30am the next morning she gets home, dropped off by another guy, a guy that I actually know from way back in school days and whom I absolutely HATE! I've pointed him out many times before and always spoken of how I hate this guy, (I hate him even more now!) anyway, the next night I did the same thing, I went out on a boys night out and got dropped off at 5:00 am in the morning (by a guy friend, I actually had a guys night out drinking with the boys no women involved) I walked in and found her fast asleep in bed with her cell phone in her hand, I picked up the phone and put it down on the nightstand, OK so then the phone made a noise (sms alert) and I picked it up, for the first time in our entire relationship I actually picked up her phone and read her message, she had been sending this guy sexual messages all night long while I was out, not to mention the fact that she had been out that entire evening too without me knowing (saying that she was at a friends house watching movies but was actually out clubbing)
So I snapped, literally threw all her stuff out into the street, screamed, shouted, swore,wondering how many times this had happened before in the past etc? (I did not hit her or even touch her, I'm not like that, but the shouting etc was justified I reckon) she packed her bags and left to her parents house and her mother collected the last of her things later that day. Now I went into self destruct mode, drinking, partying, fighting etc (sound familiar?) so 4 months later after much time, there I was, stronger than ever, living my own life, immersed into a world of alcohol and women all over again, and this time I stopped by my own accord, pulled myself back together, stopped drinking and started working hard again, big plans of traveling the world, I had people looking after my house, a good amount of money behind my name to pay for my travels etc and then BAM, she enters into my life again, telling me how much she loves me and how she wants to be with me and how scared she was the night I flipped out etc.. . So... we're dating again, and in the beginning of starting to date everything seemed fine, until about 2 months ago, for the past week we've been arguing a lot, and she shows zero interest sexually, emotionally.
Now here's the thing, she claims that I'm not the same person anymore, that it seems like I don't care about her, like I'm only dedicated to myself, and yes in some way after being screwed over twice I have learned to focus more on myself and my career. I'm in my mid 20's, I've so far bought my own house, built up my own name, well into the running of my own business and still holding a normal day job while also studying further through my job, I'm willing to admit that I've become very hard headed and an overall "I don't take crap from anyone" type of person. But it's because all those years of being nice and look how it nearly destroyed me with the drinking etc and how much it hurt being screwed over, everyone always told me "you're way too nice" "you need to stop doing everything for everyone else" somehow I'd transformed now, by being the way I am now I won't ever open myself up to being hurt again, its awesome how my career has peaked to the next level and this attitude seems to be serving me well, I don't have friends that use me and ask favors and don't deserve them, I have a loyal and trusting group of people around me, people I would trust with my life and give my life to protect, people that I would gladly go out of my way to help knowing that no matter what, they have and will do the same for me too.
So I guess this isn't so much a question but more of an explanation, give me your take on this situation please, I love this girl with all my heart and soul and I want to make things work between us, and she says she really wants it too but I'm not the "caring and kind" person I used to be, now she's fighting for me to let her in and as much as I truly love her, I won't allow myself to get hurt by letting her in, and also I don't want to shoot myself in the foot by locking her out and chasing her away. I really don't know what to do or what to say to make things right...
I've been in a relationship with an amazing girl for 5 years now. When we first met it was surely love at first sight,The first time I ever kissed her I can't even explain how the butterflies were going ape s h I t in my stomach, I had never felt that before, a bit of background, at that point in my life I was semi known for being a rough kid (Well built, Got involved in the wrong crowds, a lot of fights etc, used to be tagged as a player and so on) she was attracted to the "bad boy" image(She tells me all the time that's what initially attracted her to me) after 6 months everything I was involved in I had managed to get out of, and the next step which (looking back now was very abrupt) was getting engaged, yup, we got engaged just 7-8 months after meeting. As time went by I had a good job, bought a house, I've always been the type of person who if I put my mind to something there's nothing I can't do. To try and cut a long story short, we started arguing a lot, and eventually we called off the engagement, and shortly after that, moved out from each other, I sold the house and SHE decided we needed to take a break, I begged and pleaded that we sort things out and get back together, for every suggestion I made she had an excuse as to why it wouldn't work...
On the night of what would've been our 2 year anniversary, she arrived at a local pub where I had become somewhat of a regular with a friend of hers and 2 other guys (I.e 1 guy to each girl) after all along telling me how much I meant to her but she wasn't sure if we should be together. Eventually I decided screw it! Why must I stick around and wait for someone else if I've been trying all this time and gotten no response, then out of no where she approached me and kissed me, telling me how much of a mistake it was for her to have left me and how much she loves me etc.
So moving on, after 2 years of ups and downs in the relationship, I bought a bigger house and we moved in together again. Then similar signs to the first breakup started appearing, constant fights etc, lack of interest in the bedroom and so forth. (Just for the record I'm going to state that I'm a very sexual person, and at my age being under 30 sex is still quite a big thing to me? Yes its not everything but it does show the spark and attraction between people and shouldn't be something planned but something spontaneous between 2 people) One Friday night she went out saying she was spending the evening with her sister having a girls night out and that the "work function" they were going to I couldn't attend, it didn't bother me at all, she'd been on many girls nights out in the past. Eventually I got a call from a friend of mine who was dating a girl that works at the same place asking me "where are you, why aren't you here, you were invited" So I explained my case, a few seconds later she grabs the phone and says she made a mistake I'm welcome to pop by she didn't know that it was an "open" braai. (south African version of a Barbecue) So I visited and she again said that she wanted to just spend the eve with her sister and have a girls night out. (Lets jump ahead in time) 5:30am the next morning she gets home, dropped off by another guy, a guy that I actually know from way back in school days and whom I absolutely HATE! I've pointed him out many times before and always spoken of how I hate this guy, (I hate him even more now!) anyway, the next night I did the same thing, I went out on a boys night out and got dropped off at 5:00 am in the morning (by a guy friend, I actually had a guys night out drinking with the boys no women involved) I walked in and found her fast asleep in bed with her cell phone in her hand, I picked up the phone and put it down on the nightstand, OK so then the phone made a noise (sms alert) and I picked it up, for the first time in our entire relationship I actually picked up her phone and read her message, she had been sending this guy sexual messages all night long while I was out, not to mention the fact that she had been out that entire evening too without me knowing (saying that she was at a friends house watching movies but was actually out clubbing)
So I snapped, literally threw all her stuff out into the street, screamed, shouted, swore,wondering how many times this had happened before in the past etc? (I did not hit her or even touch her, I'm not like that, but the shouting etc was justified I reckon) she packed her bags and left to her parents house and her mother collected the last of her things later that day. Now I went into self destruct mode, drinking, partying, fighting etc (sound familiar?) so 4 months later after much time, there I was, stronger than ever, living my own life, immersed into a world of alcohol and women all over again, and this time I stopped by my own accord, pulled myself back together, stopped drinking and started working hard again, big plans of traveling the world, I had people looking after my house, a good amount of money behind my name to pay for my travels etc and then BAM, she enters into my life again, telling me how much she loves me and how she wants to be with me and how scared she was the night I flipped out etc.. . So... we're dating again, and in the beginning of starting to date everything seemed fine, until about 2 months ago, for the past week we've been arguing a lot, and she shows zero interest sexually, emotionally.
Now here's the thing, she claims that I'm not the same person anymore, that it seems like I don't care about her, like I'm only dedicated to myself, and yes in some way after being screwed over twice I have learned to focus more on myself and my career. I'm in my mid 20's, I've so far bought my own house, built up my own name, well into the running of my own business and still holding a normal day job while also studying further through my job, I'm willing to admit that I've become very hard headed and an overall "I don't take crap from anyone" type of person. But it's because all those years of being nice and look how it nearly destroyed me with the drinking etc and how much it hurt being screwed over, everyone always told me "you're way too nice" "you need to stop doing everything for everyone else" somehow I'd transformed now, by being the way I am now I won't ever open myself up to being hurt again, its awesome how my career has peaked to the next level and this attitude seems to be serving me well, I don't have friends that use me and ask favors and don't deserve them, I have a loyal and trusting group of people around me, people I would trust with my life and give my life to protect, people that I would gladly go out of my way to help knowing that no matter what, they have and will do the same for me too.
So I guess this isn't so much a question but more of an explanation, give me your take on this situation please, I love this girl with all my heart and soul and I want to make things work between us, and she says she really wants it too but I'm not the "caring and kind" person I used to be, now she's fighting for me to let her in and as much as I truly love her, I won't allow myself to get hurt by letting her in, and also I don't want to shoot myself in the foot by locking her out and chasing her away. I really don't know what to do or what to say to make things right...