Hello,
My closest friend is a guy that I've known for 8 years now. When we first got to know each other he thought I was cute and asked me out. I wasn't interested in him, so I refused. We were in the same gang and we hung out, I started dating another guy and then we just got to be better friends and became best friends slowly.


My best friend left the country and we still stayed in touch and continued to be best friends. He made other good friends, but I was still the closest to him. He was very possessive and demanding in some ways, like if I didn't call him back immediately or not soon enough, even though we talked almost everyday, he would get really mad at me and we'd have arguments. And this is when there was a 12 hr time difference between us, so I felt that he should be more understanding than that. He would even have issues if I talked to someone else before I called him back and lots of other things. He would always get mad at me and start telling me I'm not a good friend. He had always been like that, so I just dealt with it like always, by telling him to not judge my friendship so harshly and that he needs to be more understanding and arguing back.

I started having a really hard time with my boyfriend. I was very deeply in love with him and the relationship was not going well and it was keeping me very sad. My best friend was there for me and listened to me. Then he came back to the country and told me he's in love with me. He thought it would help me get over my boyfriend or something. It didn't. I don't feel the same way about my best friend. I just don't. We're such great friends and we have a great time together and ever after all these years and all the distance, we're still the bestest friends to each other. So it baffles me that I cannot get myself to look at him that way, but I can't. I told him that. I thought maybe the best thing to do would be for us to stop talking. He got really mad at me for that, and eventually I wasn't able to do it, both because he got mad at me and also because I really didn't want to stop talking to him.

I tried to stop talking to him about my boyfriend, but I was always sad and he knew how to get things out of me and it carried on. At one point I thought I was falling for my best friend. He was always there, helping me when I was miserable, and I thought I would tell him that and I did, and then I realised what I was doing, and immediately took it back. I know this would've hurt him and I felt horrible I did that. I was confused and hurting and I guess I got mixed up with my feelings. He realised what I was saying and that I was still not interested in him.

He got really nasty about a lot of things. He would say I use him when things are not going well with my boyfriend, he was harsh about my boyfriend as well in another context, so I stopped talking to him about my boyfriend altogether, but we still carried on being friends. Then my boyfriend and I broke up and I moved to another place and another guy there showed a lot of interest in me and I ended up liking him and made out with him. I was really scared to tell my best friend that, but I did and he got really mad at me. He yelled and said that he was waiting because of my boyfriend and if not my boyfriend then it should've been him and not a third guy. I told him time and again that I don't see him that way. He would bring up that one time when I thought I did. I told him that it was because I was miserable and he was helping me, I got confused, but I really don't see him that way.

It didn't work with that other guy. I got into another mess with my ex-bf, which carries on even now. I wasn't talking to my best friend about it but he realised how hard it was on me and he coaxed it out of me eventually and then he again started being nasty about some things so I stopped talking about that with him again. I tried to convince him that I really will not have feelings for him. He keeps telling me to give it a chance, I told him I have thought about it, but I cannot do it. I've told him everything, that if I had to be in love with him, wouldn't I have done it by now? That I know him so well, if it had to happen it would've. I also told him that I don't think anyone deserves someone not in love with them, and just giving it a shot. If I'm with a guy I really want to be in love with him. And among other things, I am still in love with my ex-bf and I don't know when I'll get over it, if ever.

It's been 3 years now since he told he he has feelings for me. In the duration, I tried to tell him to please let it go. He doesn't. He says he'll deal with it and he wants to continue being friends with me. I have tried a lot over the years. Ignored the whole thing hoping it would go away, talked to him about it, yelled at him about it, tried to be mean to him so he would let it go, everything. It hurts me to think I am hurting my best friend. I hope to eventually get over my ex and get into a happy relationship, but I know it'll not be with my best friend.
It scares me to think of what it would do to him if I got into a new relationship. As a result, I've now stopped talking to him. Told him we cannot be friends if he continues to keep those feelings. It kills me to do this, I really really didn't want to do it, but I don't know what else to do.

Now I feel miserable, I cannot be with the guy I'm so in love with, that's a whole different mess in its own right, and I don't think I should have my best friend in my life anymore, because I'm not sure that would be the right thing to do.

My best friend incidentally doesn't think we should stop talking. He really is madly in love with me. He sees nothing wrong with me, he doesn't like some things that I do, but he still loves me. He says this love for me and me are the best things in his life and so on. I don't know how to deal with that. I cannot reciprocate. I keep thinking he'll eventually understand that I don't reciprocate and he should move on, and we'll be friends, but he just refuses to. He says he doesn't even want to and I can do whatever I want and he won't let it go. He says I can stop talking to him all I want and he'll still always love me. He's dating other girls, but not really because he likes them, but because he's just passing time. I think if I stay away from him, maybe he'll not think of me as much and he'll fall for some girl and then he'll think he wants the friend me back and then we'll be good. But I don't know how long that'll take to happen, and in the mean time it's taking all my will power to not talk to him.

I feel weak and suddenly very alone. I've stopped talking to my ex because I guess that's all I can do to get over him and that's bloody hard. And now I've stopped talking to my best friend too, so he can get over me, and that's harder because he doesn't even want to stop talking. It's not like I don't have other friends, I do, but no one as close to me as these two. Losing them depresses me and makes me withdraw from other people, even those that I know would be happy to be there for me.

I guess why I'm writing here is because I don't know what to do. It really is one of the hardest things to keep myself from talking to my best friend when he's SUCH a support to me and I really need that right now, not because of the boyfriend issue, I don't talk about that with him anymore, but otherwise as well. Am I doing the right thing? I feel responsible for how he'll feel later. I feel that I shouldn't knowingly put him through that. But then in selfish moments I feel that it's not supposed to be my job to keep caring about how he feels, it's his job too, and I've been very very clear about how I feel. So he knows what he's getting into, and that's the best I can do.

I don't know. Help? :(

I think you need a strategy to cope with YOUR feelings in a realistic way, and separate facts from feelings. All of us humans are subject to our feelings being influenced by other humans and circumstances, so we can be pulled in many confusing directions. The key is understanding and knowing yourself, what you want, and how to cope with your feelings in different situations. And being honest enough with yourself to be honest with others, no matter how they act, or react to YOU.

Just strive to be a good human, and fair to yourself as you are to others, and enjoy the journey, even when its bumpy! Live life, and know you can't please everybody.

From the wife
Doesn't matter all who chase you, or why, when you are really ready, you will allow yourself to be caught.

Thank you for answering.
I know this forum isn't there so that people can provide me with nice, neat solutions to my problems or anything, but could you tell me in your opinion, what it is that you think I should do? Should I continue not talking to my friend, or is it okay if I talk to him and continue being friends with him?

I'd like to add here, it's not that it is just he who is a friend to me, I'm a friend to him as well. I'm there when he needs me to be, I listen to him too and provide whatever help I can when he needs it.

Your answer, while helpful in a larger sense still feels vague. I could interpret it in multiple ways for this situation of mine. Again, I'm not looking for miracle answers, just an opinion on this specific situation. I hope it is not too much to ask for?

I cannot be a psychic, and tell you what to do specifically. Your path is your choice, as I don't know you, or the ones in your life.

Sure I would still talk to my friend, and when he acts like a butthole, or crosses the line, tell him to screw off, and ignore him until he returns to his senses. Even if it takes a few days, years, months, NEVER!!

I guess I am concerned your friend is obsessed if after 3 years he still loves you ( assuming you have been cilear you do not have those feelings)

For his own good you have to cut ties with him. So that he can move on, and to be honest you don't keep him somewhere in the back of your mind as a far back.

You can not make people happy and real happiness does not come from others and you have to learn to be happy with you

I don't think I should call it obsessed, that seems crazy and he's not crazy. He's leaving me alone now when I've asked for us to not talk to each other.
I also don't think I would keep him in the back of my mind as a far back. I don't think I would want to be with someone unless I'm in love with them, and I don't think I could compromise on that for the sake of being with someone.

However, fr_chuck, I do think you're right, and I won't talk to him. I hope I have the will power to do it consistently, because it's really hard when he very actively doesn't want to stop talking.

Thank you for your answers.

I am in a very similar situtuation, and I feel so bad that I don't have the same feelings for my best friend. I can't understand why I don't have these feelings but I can't help it, I just don't. But I hate seeing him so unhappy, which is making me wonder if I should just give him a chance. At the moment we are still speaking but it is so hard to carry on when both of us can't see a way of resolving the situation. How are you and your best friend at the moment?

Well, I can say I can't imagine being happy in a situation where my girl is still best friends with a guy she had been in love with for years from whom she was constantly rejected.