My stepdaughter is 14 years old and has caused all kind of turmoil in our family. She writes nasty mean things on Facebook, tells lies to her grandparents, other family and friends and her father nor I can do anything about it.
Her mother said her Facebook messages were acceptable even when one spoke of "*** in the mouth". Her grandparents take her side and say she has problems with us being together as a family w/ a new sibling but refuse to discuss the issues. They will not speak to me at all about her but talk to everyone else.
I have tried to be nice, love her, but I find myself disgusted now. I don't want her no where near me or my other children. We are all so happy until she starts drama.
We have called a family meeting and she has admitted numerous times that it was her fault and that she was sorry. I begged her to tell me what I have done to make her hate me but she cannot think of anything. Just this past Christmas she caused a big family uproar that stopped us from having Christmas with my husband's side of the family. How can a 14 year old girl do this? Because no one makes her accountable for her actions. My husband goes to discipline her and all the family says she hasn't done anything wrong.
What do you do? I have 5 of my own children that I love so much and they love me in return. I have other children who stay with us all the time and never have problems. I treat children very well but I also make them behave and respect adults.
IF someone out there has been through the same situation please respond and let me know that it gets better?

Well, I'm a father of five girls - and I haven't been exactly through anything as bad as you describe, however, keep in mind that at 14, the girl is going through hormonal changes, and that's likely what's behind her behavior. As for others not seeing the same thing you see, well, sometimes we don't see what we don't want to see. Maybe they DO see it but don't want to acknowledge it because if they did they could get dragged into the drama too.

Never been a "STEP" parent, so I really don't know anything about that side of it, but we DID have a girlfriend of my #2 daughter have some home problems and came to stay with us - but she was 17, well along in passing through that hormonal stage. We DID have differences of opinions, but generally my girls held up my law when Adrian wanted to raise trouble.

Does this girl have any close friends her age? Perhaps maybe a little older? Or, maybe one of her friends has an older sister; can you talk to her? Maybe she needs to redirect her energy and needs help focusing on the cause of her anger issues. If all else fails, perhaps talking to a psychiatrist may help. Maybe medication might mellow her out - but I generally tend to try staying away from drugs for solving problems.

Mostly you just have to ride out the storm. The more you try to control the situation the more OUT OF CONTROL it will be. Boy I feel for you. I'm glad I never had that much drama with my girls. My baby is 24, so we're all WELL past that stage. But for some girls it can be exceptionally difficult.

From their point of view (the adolescent girl) everything and every one is against them. They can't see how their actions affect others or how repercussions come back on her. She can't see her own fault. The more you try to do anything, it's like throwing gas upon a fire, it only blazes up and makes tons of smoke. The best way to extinguish such a fire is to let it burn itself out. Just be her friend when she wants you to be. Till then don't become an enemy.

Remember, you replaced her mother - for whatever reason or circumstance outside your control, an irrational mind will find a way to blame you.

Boy am I SO So so sorry for you.

"(

Good luck.

The girl has a problem with something that's really eating at her. I could speculate, but there are so many things it could be, and honestly she may not even consciously realize what it is that's bugging her so bad. Plus everything is complicated with the "family" chiming into the mix, her age, lots of siblings running around, its like the perfect storm.

You need to find some way to find the root of her issue. I'm sure there will be a primary issue there, that she just can not seem to handle on her own. Others would recommend counseling, but I tend to think that if your heart is in the game, you can find this underlying issue. May have to take some extreme actions, like maybe her and you go on an exclusive vacation and talk it out (which will only work if you can truly relate with her in a non judgmental way). If not you, then someone else who would be more impartial to the family dynamics.

Keep in mind, she is a human, not a monster even as she may act that way sometimes. Find a way, or find someone who can dig down deep enough to find this problem she has, that she is having difficulty with. Once you find this, then you can take actions to heal it. Then, she will no longer have the need to act out.

And I know you must be jaded at this point, and unfortunately that does not help. Understand her actions are not really her, in a balanced state. These actions of hers, are really a plea for help; even as she may not even know why?

Give this some thought - how to uncover this underlying issue. In time, you will find a way.

Baboo Says - A Kids Manual For Life

Thanks for the feedback. I am trying to read the Bible and pray to God to help me in this situation. I am so ill on this matter with his daughter and his family. I haven't seen any of them since before Christmas. He talks to his family and it makes me feel betrayed. Why? Because I am the one who intervenes between them when their arguments get heated, I try to include them in our life, I have treated his daughter well and loved on her many times, but I am the one they all blame.
I can understand the daughter has issues with being a teenager, hormones, and all the new things that have occurred in her life the last two years, but to smile in my face and then go lie is so wrong. However, she is a child.
His family doesn't support us one bit on monitoring her Facebook when she is talking dirty, making her clean up her room, pick up her trash, clean up her dishes, or anything that she doesn't want to do.
For example, one of her reasons she was upset and told them that we treated her unfairly is because the other daughter has friends over a lot but she doesn't. We said have we ever told you that you were not allowed to have a friend over? Her response was NO. We said when you have asked for a friend to come over have we allowed it? Yes. Have we even gone out of our way to pick them up for you? Yes. Then how can you say we are unfair? I don't know. But when she tells his parents, sister-in-law and brother these things they start saying how we do mistreat her. Its all bull.
Christmas she wrote me and said thanks for her pandora bracelet, charm, clothes, and hair accessories. That she really needed them and was so happy. I wrote back and said I'm glad you like them. Have a great Christmas! Next day on Facebook she rights bad things about the family again. Jeez!! I then get upset because the family knows about it but will not intervene. They just keep allowing her to do these nasty things.
Right before Christmas I go to pick up my baby from his parents house. His mom, dad, brother, father, sister, sister-in-law and her mother are there when I pick the baby up after work. I have the baby in the carrier in my arms when the sister-in-law comes out the door(BTW she lives there) and starts cussing and screaming at me about his daughter and they all watch. I proved her to be a lier one time in front of them but then I got so mad to be cornered like that, I started crying and left. No apology yet!
So thanks for listening to me vent. As you can tell I am very hurt and careless if I ever see them again. My parents would have never allowed that and I am thankful for my children, parents, family and friends who support me and make me a better person.

Who has legal custody?

But when she is in your and your husbands home, your husband makes the rules for her and has full right to allow or not allow daughter to do things, if he is letting other family control him, that is his issue, not his daughters.

Husband needs to stand up to his ex wife and tell her when things is wrong as should he against grandparents and more.

You are having issues since you will not have and inforce rules in your home.