Hello all,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost two years. We love each other deeply and enjoy spending time together, laughing together, just being together. But we have a lot of problems. We argue a lot. I feel like he doesn't move on things that are necessary to improve our lives together.

He's been separated for five years but has yet to initiate divorce proceedings. Money is an issue. I know he worries too that if he initiates the divorce (as opposed to his ex initiating it or the two of them mutually agreeing) that his children will resent him. I get that. But his children have also told him to get a divorce, that'd be the best thing for all. Both of his children are in their early twenties. He also struggles with insecurities that cause him to be clingy, passive aggressive, and negative.

I have my own issues. I'm in a twelve step program and am now 2 and a half years sober. I am working hard at rebuilding my life (I cause a lot of damage before I quit drinking). It's a slow, humbling process. But it is so much harder when I feel like I am constantly dealing with someone who is stuck living in the past and worries over the future. I don't know if this is making sense. I hope it is. I really need help. I am starting to really feel frustrated and angry. I am getting snippy. And I'm losing my own sense of what is reasonable to expect from him and myself and what is not.

I would be happy to explain further. But I guess I will stop here and see what you all think.

- sad and confused

Kudos for being sober for 2 and a half years. Its something to be proud of.

Its also enough time to make some decisions for yourself, and not be stuck in the indecision you now face. Expect nothing of him, as you have no control over his thoughts, or actions, only YOURS.

I think you leave him stuck, and make the changes you need to to make your own life happy, whether he gets it, or not. Why should you be stuck in his situation that he made for himself? You should not! You can control what you do for yourself, and the life you want, and that's what you should do for yourself.

I suggest you demand from yourself to make yourself happy, and be very grateful you have control over your own sober thoughts and actions. Be happy and know you deserve a partner to share it with, and leave the sad confusion behind you, and settle for nothing less.

Sucks when we have to accept that life changes, and though we cannot help feel bad about it, we still have to make decisions and follow through with them. Pretty much like the decision to not drink, just for today. One step at a time. Same drill.

You only owe this fellow honesty. You have grown, he has not. That's not your fault, so don't blame yourself for doing what you have to do to have the happy, healthy life you know you deserve. So let go, and do better for yourself.

You can do this.

Well, first of all I would just tell him how you feel. If you feel like you can't do it quite yet, just wait until you feel ready. If you feel sad just try to respect him how he is. Maybe he's the sort of person who doesn't listen? Try to send him a letter or email him. I hope you all find this information interesting and helpful.

Congratulations on your 2.5 years sobriety. That is a major feat to have accomplished. Trying to rebuild your life and making positive changes are keys to staying sober. Having said that... the man you are with seems to be setting you back... not able to move forward himself. Honestly, I would leave him behind and move on with your life with a more positive, rewarding future. You need to be with someone who knows what they want in their life and have a stable future that you can share your life with. You don't want to be with someone you have to try and fix... you need someone who is stable in every area of their life.