My husband and I have been, what on the surface, seems happily married for four years. He is a strong, opinionated character and when we argue, I often feel put down and dominated. Other than that, he is loving and caring and I truly do believe he cares about me. He is very affectionate in private, telling me how much he loves me and how beautiful I am etc. The problem however, is going on behind the scenes. My husband lies a lot. At first, it was lies about how he crashed his car, which he did to save face about having two car accidents that were his fault. Next came the porn, He has always been addicted to porn and watches it in secret, often to masturbate to. He pays around forty to fifty pounds a month on porn subscriptions and saves all of his downloaded videos to an external hard drive. He is very shady about watching porn and often lies about paying for it, even though I can see the transactions on his credit card statement!

In the past, he has created a pseudonym on YouTube, claiming he is someone else from the states. He used his page to post videos and start a blog on his two favourite fetishes. When I found out, I was very upset, and he, very embarrassed. He immediately deleted the pages and promised not to do it again.
Next, I found some messages on his computer from a work colleague of his. He was secretly going to go round to her house to perform hypnosis on her - one of his fetishes. She apparently cancelled. When I confronted him, I threatens to leave and he was apologetic and very upset.
I am constantly snooping and checking up on him to find out if he is still doing these things behind my back and today I found an email sent to a foot fetish club in London apologising for missing the last foot fetish party and saying how he was hoping to attend the next. Am I wrong to be concerned that my husband is trying to go to a sex party behind my back? There is no sex involved, just foot worship, but I feel so hurt. I am destroyed each time I find something new like this but can't confront him as he would turn it all back on me for snooping (and I fully appreciate that I am in the wrong for this, but I can't stop).

Should I leave, stay and forget it or confront him? I am being over sensitive? Does this go on in lots of relationships a d perhaps the women just don't know? Opinions and advice gratefully received.

I don't think your being over sensitive at all. You should leave him. You've confronted him before and he's still lying. But I would confront him again and tell him you know what he's doing. For a fact. You found proof. Its wrong. Watching porn about his fetishes is one thing. All guys do it.. BUT going to fetish parties and touching other woman is cheating whether he sleeps with them or not. He prbly gets more out of touching their feet then accual sex. But I don't know.

If it were me I would leave people with fetishes like this aren't just going to stop because he would have the last time you confronted him. And even if he promises to change and stops going to these parties.. its going to be very hard to trust him again your constantly going to be worring( like you are) and its just not worth all the stress, well maybe to you it is? But you deserve to be happy and it sounds like this guy is not going to change I say move on. You said yourself your not happy? So there is no reason to stay with this man. If your not happy and he is cheating on you? There is really no more to say.

First thought that comes to mind is marriage counseling. I think there may be a lack of communication between the two of you about what each of you need and expect in the relationship. I understand what you see as lies, but I also see a glimmer of someone who may not feel able to share his needs with his wife.

Have you ever sat down with him and talked about his needs/fetishes? Have you tried coming up with compromises which would give him outlets inside the marriage (such as porn geared to his fetish and masturbation) so that he doesn't feel the need to look for other women? If his behavior has gotten worse over the years and his fetishes are taking over his life, would he be willing to look into counseling to help him get them back under control?

Are you willing to help him by being understanding and not condemning his needs IF he attempts to control them and keep them inside the marriage? Can you learn to trust him and stop looking for evidence of his wrong-doings (after he agrees to get help and the two of you agree to a compromise)? Would you ever be able to go to one of his 'foot fetish' meetings with him if he agreed to not sneak around?

I read your previous thread about before you got married, did you ever find out what was going on then or is that when the 'lies' and mistrust began? If this has been a pattern for over five years, I don't see it being broken without counseling and a lot of work on both of your parts. Communication, open and without confrontation, and compromise from both of you.

Stop giving him ultimatums that you aren't going to follow through on. It's hard and it hurts to even think about walking away, but if you tell him you are going to leave if x behavior continues, then you need to follow through when it does.

Look into counseling. If he isn't willing to go, then go on your own. Find out if it is in your best interest to walk away before any more damage is done to you. Be open to thinking about (if not trying) new ways to handle working with your husband. If he is unwilling to seek help or work with you, then you know how serious he really is about you and the marriage. Counseling can give you the tools to rebuild the marriage or the door to walk out. Either way the tools will help you rebuild your self-confidence, respect and image.

Good luck.

Judging from what you've posted he's been lying and cheating for years. You married him KNOWING he was lying and cheating.

Foot fetish but no sex involved? He looks at feet, fantasizes and then comes home and has sex with you?

I say he's a chronic, uncurable liar. I say... go before you have no self respect left.

I don't understand how you can characterize a man who cheats and lies about his sex life, car accidents, anything else he thinks he can lie about as "he is loving and caring and I truly do believe he cares about me." A man who CARES about you tells you the truth and doesn't go to fetish parties behind your back.

Thank you both so much for all of your advice.
Cat, in answer to your questions about whether we have sat and talked about his sexual need and fetishes - yes. He clams up and refuses to talk about it. I indulge his fetishes in our sexual relationships and am always reassuring that I do not find them weird. I have even suggested us going to a fetish club together so that we can broaden or understanding of each others needs but he instantly poo-pooed it, saying that he could never do that with his wife and that he would not want to see his wife doing things with other people. Unfortunately, the reason I am finding this whole situation so tricky is that he refuses to talk about his sexual issues with me. I assume he is embarrassed but I don't know what to do to help him to open up. I really do try to not be confrontational or judgemental, but maybe he sees me that way?

Oh, and I forgot to add that I am not sure if he has actually been to one of these parties yet. The email was apologising for cancelling on last months party and saying that he hoped to make it to this months one. Does this make a difference?

I don't think he's embaressed. You said you indulge in his fetishes with him I think he won't tell you things because, maybe he's cheating or doesn't want you to know about his parties and other things. I would leave him.

And no it does not make a diefference he was still planning on going to the party

Isn't this directly the opposite of there is no sex, "they" just stare at feet - "he would not want to see his wife doing things with other people".

He either IS or IS NOT having sex with other people - and I doubt very much that he isn't participating but you would be expected to participate.

I am going to be honest that the foot fetish isn't the one that bothers me. The hypnosis one is the concern to me.

The hypnosis is about one person taking complete control and another giving it up. It doesn't even lend itself well to 'safe words'. I don't know whether he wants to control or be controlled (dominant personalities sometimes like to find a way to give up total control) but he does have that fetish/desire and is seeking playmates with the same.

I still think you should seek counseling and see what his reaction to the suggestion is. I think it might be the best way to find out what you need and give yourself time to make plans for the future. If he agrees then you can see if there is something to work on. If he makes excuses, tries to change your mind, says yes but throws obstacles in the way or says it isn't working after one session, then you will have a clearer picture of his mindset and will know that there isn't anything you can do. Compromises only work if both parties make them and so far it doesn't sound like he is.

Thank you. So much to consider. I think I will confront him tonigh but am so scared I haven't stopped crying all day! I would be really grateful if there are any men with opinions out there.

Thank you. So much to consider. I think I will confront him tonigh but am so scared I haven't stopped crying all day! I would be really grateful if there are any men with opinions out there.


I'm sure you didn't mean it this way but this is almost insulting - do you think a MAN will think the lying and cheating are all right?

I've been posting here a long time - I will bet money that any man who answers will be really harsh, not as nice as those of us who have answered thus far.

Oh sorry, no I didn't mean to insult at all. That was not my intention.

I will address it in my opinion.

I don't have a trouble with fethish issues, most people have some even if they don't admit it, if you and your husband want to do them, and both are OK with it, great. ** although as a hypnotist myself, never knew it was a fethish ?
But anyway, it is the lying, that is the issue, nor really what he is lying about.

I would say he has serious issues, and my advice my be a trial separation with marriage counseling at this point

Ok... another happily married guys here.

I see plenty of blame to so both ways here...

First... the incessant snooping is really wrong at many levels... it destroys any trust there might have been and will drive him away towards the very things you have issues with.

Now if he is paying for porn or not is more of a matter of how much and what your household income is... I.E. if you are well off its not an issue, but if you have trouble making ends meet then it is. Because there is plenty of porn to be had for free to satisfy most people. And its not hard to find if you know where to go.

Now personally... I think a line is being crossed when direct interaction with another living person happens. Meaning they are physically in the same room.

As far as his car... if nobody else was involved... I'm not surprised. Being completely honest is only going to cost you a lot of money to the insurance company. And maybe effect your license to drive.

About the stongly opinionated comment... I see two of them... from your words its clear you are as well. Nothing wrong with it... just admit to it. I am as well and not afraid to say so.

As far as him wanking ( I believe is a common UK term) that's his business... would he have the right to complain if you took care of yourself from time to time? I don't think so.

Like I said... I see issues from both sides here... and some I am seeing WILL feed more of them.

You are both adults... and you both have to respect each others privacy. I think there might be more to this because we only see what one person is telling us.

It IS possible he was trying to Hypnotise the coworker to break a bad habit like smoking or something else... the very fact he talked to her about it doesn't mean something wrong had to be taking place. Heck... I frequently talk with the neighbor woman all the time without my wife there or her husband, or give her a hand with something when he's not there to help, and I do that with several of the neighbors... and none of us are trying to jump the others bones. And its not because we are ugly tolls. Its because we are just friends.

And as a final note... critisism and accusations WILL drive a guy into being more secretive and private, and make them lie just to get you to stop hounding them... as well as putting a chill in the relationship.

Heck... a LOT of people put stuff on Utube... or have blogs... its not like he's on a dating site which would be way different if he was.

Blogs and UTube are the last places you would pick anyone up with, I have more chances stepping out on the sidewalk once, than I would years on UTube or a Blog.

Now the ONE thing I find fault with is the foot fetish thing... Its not my thing... but as to my understanding, there isn't sex involved, just like a sort of fashion show thing geared to people with those interests... as far as I understand it anyway. But that's the closest I've seen where a line might be crossed.. but even that isn't definite because nobody has proven sex occurs at them.

It might be as innocent as going to a strip club and watching women dance naked... which where I live and work if a dancer and patron even touched each other... would instantly get BOTH thrown out and barred from returning to the club. THe club would lose their license to operate and they would never get it back... and that would cost the owners a HUGE amount of money.

Just being honest here and giving my opinion based on what has been written and what words were used and how it was phrased from how I see it.

Its not always WHAT was actually said... but HOW it was said that says more.

- and so that's what men say.

Thanks, smoothy. Yes, you are right, and I am happy to admit I am opinionated too. Your comment about the hypnosis being used to break a habit is very valid, but my concern is that it turns him on... and that's why he was doing it.
Also, the foot fetish club allows men to touch, suck and lick other women's feet for quite a large fee. Do you consider this acceptable in a marriage? Thanks

Thanks, smoothy. Yes, you are right, and I am happy to admit I am opinionated too. Your comment about the hypnosis being used to break a habit is very valid, but my concern is that it turns him on....and that's why he was doing it.
Also, the foot fetish club allows men to touch, suck and lick other women's feet for quite a large fee. Do you consider this acceptable in a marriage? Thanks


Without the knowledge of the wife? You've GOT to be kidding.

Acceptable in a marriage? Anything goes with the OTHER PARTY'S CONSENT. So - do you agree with this practice?

Otherwise - I can't believe what I'm reading. He lies, you know he lies, he's ALWAYS lied and now you want to know if touching, sucking and licking other women's feet FOR QUITE A LARGE FEE is a problem in a marriage when he lies about it?

Of course, he's said that this IS a sexual practice and that this is NOT a sexual practice. So - which is it? He does this because he has no other hobbies OR it's a sexual experience - without you.

Again - I can't believe what I'm reading.

Thanks, smoothy. Yes, you are right, and I am happy to admit I am opinionated too. Your comment about the hypnosis being used to break a habit is very valid, but my concern is that it turns him on....and that's why he was doing it.
Also, the foot fetish club allows men to touch, suck and lick other women's feet for quite a large fee. Do you consider this acceptable in a marriage? Thanks

As far as that club... from my viewpoint that's a gray area. Meaning its not clear or obvious. And I'm trying to not let a personal prejudice show, because I'm really not even in the tiniest way turned on by feet even on the most beautiful of women. Heck if anyting the thought of anyone putting a toe or toes in or near my mouth is actually a turn-off.

But even if that doesn't cross a line... its coming pretty close to it. Closer than someone should be.

But having his hands in her panties or bra... is a definite line crossing... with both feet (pun intended).

Basically the difference between window shopping (just casually looking) for cars (OK)... and hopping in for a test drive (NOT OK). Or Buying the car (REALLY NOT OK)

And on the Hypnosis... absent any info indicating something more and wrong was going to happen... you have to assume nothing was. Possibly creeepy yes... but we don't have enough info for a guess on the intent. A spouse deserves the benefit of the doubt absent more proof. Unless there was something more specific than what you told us which could quickly change my opinion on that.

Yea, this is crazy. You know he's cheating .
Do you just want us to tell you what you want to hear?
That just because he's going to fetish parties doesn't mean he's cheating and he really does love you he just has a problem, NO.
If he loved you he wouldn't go touch other woman,and lie to you. And never mind that,HES PAYING FOR IT.?. thats gross. So basically your husband is soliciting prositutes behind your back just not for sex for feet...

Would he mind if you went out and licked sucked and touched someone else? I think so

missdesperatehousewife
But my concern is that it turns him on... and that's why he was doing it.

Obviosly it turns him on or he wouldn't be doing it.. you already said it was a fetish. So you know it turns him on..

I think you are in serious denial.
No offence it happends a lot. But I can't believe you don't see it, even thoughh I think you do

I can see it and I am just trying to convince myself it's not true. I love him so much. It hurts so bad. Thank you for your honesty everyone.

My colleague, "KE," says it will - you are lying to yourself.

So he says he loves you and you're beautiful... in private. In public he lies and cheats, keeps secrets, spends "large sums of money" on his fetishes and, in general, embarasses you.

That's not a reason to love someone. That's not a reason to stay.

A lot of people love the wrong man at one time or another. Hopefully "we" are strong enough to walk away before we get destroyed.

Whatever you do I hope it works out for you. You are the only person who knows what is best for you.

I know its going to be hard to leave him./ believe me I've been there. Butmits so not worth all the heartache and torture.. wondering where he is, is he really at work? You know? You deservre more. No one should have to put up with that.. you're his wife he shoul;d have came to you and told you. "listen i like feet" or whatever. You said he's embaressed but he wasn't embaressed enough to lick someone's foor that he doesn't even know with other people around. You're his wife its wrong. I know its hard to admit to yourself. I've been through it. But it is cheating. He might as well be sleeping with these woman because its having the same efect on oyu. Maybe worrse... well I hope you make the right choice for you..

And by the way. Do you have children? What about them? How would they feel if they found out he was treating you like this? And paying woman for sexual parties? If not for you.. leave for them.. they shouldn't think its OK to treat a woman that way. I believe children are a product of there envirnment .
He's jerk

That he is willing to lie and coverup his 'other' life, I think, is the biggest problem. Is it really so different than lying and covering up an affair?

There is a greater need for him, to continue with what has been causing serious marital problems, than to deal honestly with the issues.

And what are the issues. Why do they exist, and why does he need to engage in activities that he very well knows will ruin his relationship with you. He's gone further by not even trying to coverup the credit card statements with his porn purchases, yet will say he's not charging any such thing.

It is one thing when serious marital problems arise, to clear the air, work through differences and problems, and compromise to come to some sort of resolve. That he isn't anywhere near that ballpark, says to me that his behaviour is not something that he can control. He continues to deny any wrong doing, even if it is to make minor changes and compromises. You agreeing to watch porn with him for example, will not change his behaviour. You still do not know the extent of what he does, or what drives him to do it, and risk everything.

Can you live with what you think and know of his behaviour? Your needs right now are honesty and getting questions answered, which he does not appear willing to do. You are not at all unreasonable in questioning anything involving other people for satisfaction, sexually, that he should be able to be satisfied with, within his marriage. This affects you, as much, if not greater, than his need to indulge in his activities.

His behaviour probably feels like there is 'another woman', although to him, it is a compulsion to have his needs met, no matter what. He does not see it your way, other than to offer up a double standard, that he would not wish you to do the same.

If this is something he has been able to hide, and has gone on far longer than the duration of your marriage, and he is simply unwilling to address the issues, then what are you left with. You cannot change him, or have any true understanding of this type of behaviour if he won't address it.

What are your choices. You could stay, force the issue, get into counselling, and wait, possibly for years, for him to work through this. You could just accept his behaviour. You could leave.

Where does this all sit for you.