Past:
I'm Aurora, I'm 19. I have manic depression and anxiety. I grew up in an abusive home until I was 17 and sexually abusive until I was 13. My biological father left when I was born and my step father and mother were the abusers. My mother was also abused by my Stepfather.

I began to date when I was 13 and since then I have dated 11 people. I ruined 6 of those relationships, the rest were either empty relationships or abusive. When I entered the world of dating I had so much love to give and wanted so much back because clearly my home life wasn't loving. I initially trusted men, but as time went by I found myself trapped in horrible relationships. My first boyfriend molested me, my second boyfriend would hit me, my third openly cheated on me, but I would take him back. The ones that were healthy Id ruin by being over emotional, crying every night with them, saying I wanted to die, being jealous of anyone, etc and Id start to abuse them mentally. When I was 17 going on 18 I was in the worse relationship to date. My boyfriend was physically and mentally abusive, calling me words like slut and leaving bruises on me. I got pregnant and miscarried after three months. I was emotionally drained, to help my lost of the baby I bought a pet rabbit. I treated her like my lost baby, he killed her. When I asked why he told me its because he wanted to hurt me. He tried to have me stab him that night. I left and never went back, but the pain I felt from all that and the past 16 years of my life felt too much. I entered a world of deep depression. I grew stronger and brought myself to have some peace.

Present:
I have been with Matt now going on 8 months. We meet online and began an online relationship, we've never meet. We both admitted to loving one another about a week ago. I clearly know I love him for his mind and our connections not because of sex or anything physical. At the start Matt was very bitter and distant with me, he was afraid of having his heart broken again. When I confronted him and told him he would lose me, he changed. I continued to hold a grudge against him and now I argue at least once a week with him and tell him I hate him and want to never speak to him again. He's been so good to me and I'm going to lose him if I keep picking for fights and keep trying to cause him pain. I know I love him, but in those moments I change. I don't want to blame it on my manic depression or past anymore, I just want to finally accept him into my heart and change how I treat him. He's been here this long and he made it clear he doesn't want to go anywhere, but if I continue this I know Ill lose him.

Please any advice or help. I can't afford or want to go to therapy.

First of all, it's good that you recognize the problem, because you can't solve a problem that you don't understand. Secondly, you've reached out for help which is another good thing. If you try to fight an internal battle alone, you're going to lose. Third, you've got to get control of yourself. Self-control is a discipline that many people haven't learned, and yes, you can learn it. If I may be blunt, when you see that you are about to shoot your mouth off then make yourself stop. Speak phrases to yourself like, "I can change whenever I'm ready", "I don't hate anybody", and "I'm worth all of the work that I have ahead of me". Yes, you have a lot of work to do if you want to change.

Forget the past for right now. It will only get in your way. Focus on the here and now. What do you have to do to help yourself right now? That's what you should be thinking. I'm sorry that those things happened to you, but right now it's just extra baggage to weigh you down. Don't worry if you're not perfect at everything. You will still slip up and make mistakes from time to time. We all do. When you do make a mistake, simply say, "I'm not going to do that again." Then forget about it and don't re-live that mistake.

Lastly, tell your boyfriend everything that you have just posted. If he's everything that you've said he is then he'll understand and give you some room to work things out. Don't take advantage of him, but make sure that you are honest and direct with him. He can't help you if you keep him in the dark. Don't threaten to leave him. His heart has been broken enough. Instead, embrace him. This isn't a game and he's not a toy. Threats and intimidation just irritate an already difficult situation. Should he decide that he wants out of the relationship, then let him out. Let's face it, your problems may be too big for him. Some guys can barely hold themselves together, much less anyone else. Should he decide to make an exit (and I don't know that he will) then that's not a bad thing either. It will give you time and space to get your life in order BEFORE you enter another relationship. If you need someone to speak with, talk to your friends, talk to co-workers, talk to your hairdresser, talk to wrong numbers, talk to anyone who will listen. By the way, no drinking! Alcohol will only make things worse. I promise.

I hope this will get you started. Good luck, sweetheart. You can do this. I'm praying for you.