My situation with my ex is confusing to me right now because I'm still in love with her and as they say love is blind so I am asking for help.

I dated this girl for a while and I ended up breaking up with her. I regret it so bad that I started thinking why I did what I did. Basically I was introduced to her by this guy who I used to idolized and wanted to be just like him. He drove exotic cars, had super models all around him, and was very built and good looking. We are good friends and like good friends we absorb some if each others personality. Except it came to the point where I felt like I was being manipulated, unable to make decisions for myself, and be completely submerged by what this guy wanted. I was weak. Half the time I was dating my ex, it would be me and the other him. I know it sounds messed. All this is my fault because I thought I wanted to be like him but now I realize being true to your roots and to who you are and having your own character is more important than anything.

Anyway basically I was weak because I idolized him I let him dictate the outcome of my relationship. He wanted something to happen for me and created this idea in my head that if it doesn't happen I should break up with her, I'm talking about sex by the way. Now I'm young, 23 and all I wanted was to continue falling deeper in love and experience my own relationship.

Me and her got into a huge argument about sex and I broke up with her with every word I was told by my friend. Next day I "awoke". And the regret I feel is utterly painful. I realized my mistake I found myself. It was very hard not to listen to my friend he was like a father to me and did more for me in one year than my real dad has ever done. I wouldn't have lost her if I had been stronger. I went out of my way and beyond to make things right and apologize, but in her eyes she said there is not a crumb of hope that she'll forgive me. This torn me apart. I let her go and thanked her for being someone I was proud to be with and I was, in my eyes she was perfect, even her imperfections were perfect. We loved each other, and I torn her heart in two. She doesn't want to speak to me. And I know the rule that I shouldn't contact her for a couple of months. I'm giving her her space.

I miss her like crazy it's been a month now, went on two dates and it's not easy. Even though I realize my mistake, the pain and anger I feel for myself is incredible, I don't know how to overcome it. It's like the more days go by without her forgiveness the harder I am on myself. I can't forget this I know it's only been a month but I know myself I won't forget this anytime soon.

This isn't about your ex. Its about YOU, and how you deal with YOURSELF. The goal is to acknowledge your mistakes, and forgive YOURSELF, and learn enough not to repeat them. In this way you can grow, and move on, without her forgiveness, which may never come.

Stick with the NC forever, as you heal, can put things in perspective, and make better decisions for yourself, based on facts, and not just feelings.

Now go find yourself, and be good to yourself.

I will agree, don't contact her and get into any of the old. You need to find out who you are, what you want and how to be the real you. Then move on with a new relationship

Thanks for the replies guys. I am trying to make the most of christmas and newyears but damn its hard to when she's all I think about. I already accepted the fact that I made a huge mistake, yet I'm still mad at myself. Although this pain that I feel is really doing wonders for me at the gym and my motivation is higher than ever. Its really bringing out who I am and not giving a **** what people think and I'm able to stand up for what I believe in. It was this pain that caused me to leave my job where I was working with my friend 40 hours a week and when I left like the guy in braveheart who yells freeeeedommmm! Anyway lol I come to the conclusion that if what I did didn't happen when it did, it would have happened eventually. That makes me feel a little better but I still feel like chocking somebody until their air supply runs out lol because it would have took finding me to keep me from losing her. **** life is unfair!