Moved to its own thread, and edited/T

I'm in tears as I share this about my two year marriage. I am very well educated, attractive and rather popular in my circle of friends. However, I have a lot of baggage stemming from my parent's divorce, as well as personal setbacks that I experienced over the years. I have been blessed with a 11 month old son, who is such a sweet and beautiful kid. Yet, through it all, there's this nagging hole of emptiness in my life. I have tried to fill it with religion, friends, material things, etc... but lately, I have been expressing all of my insecurities by obsessing over my husband's ex fiancé.

I am 30 and my husband is 43. I'm obsessed with the idea of his past. It doesn't help that his ex fiancé lives just miles down the road from us. It is all the more disturbing to watch my husband's good friend still being best friends with his ex fiancé. What is worse is that, my sister in law (husband's sister) is also really close friends with his ex fiancé. I stalk their activity on Facebook, and it bothers the crap out of me when I see my sister in law "liking" or "commenting" on his ex fiance's pictures on Facebook.

As a result of all this, I have a really torn relationship with his family, including his parents and his sister. This adds on to even more pain and frustration. I have asked myself all the same questions, and I have probably convinced myself that he loved her more and found her more attractive and what they had in their relationship was the real deal. Not to make excuses, but I do think what triggered all of this and made it even more concrete for me was finding my husband holding on to her phone number, along with her mother's phone number.

When my husband and I first started living together prior to being married, he received a call out of the blue from his ex fiance's mother. That sparked the first official fight between us, almost becoming physical. Just a month into our married life, he got a phone call around 2:30 am in the early morning from his ex fiance's mother as well. Of course, I've been in relationships before my husband. To add to all of my insecurities, when I confronted my husband about whether he will drop everything he is doing to aid his ex fiancé or her mother if he were to get a call asking for his help, without any hesitation, he said that he will do just that for it's the human thing to do. He furthermore justified it by saying that they haven't done him anything wrong. Do keep in mind though that his claim all along has been that the reason their relationship didn't leap into marriage was because she cheated on him.

I'm more of the mindset that you should leave the past in the past, which means no contact whatsoever with those in the past. Even when I was 7 months pregnant, I found my husband holding on to his ex girlfriends' phone numbers and contact information. Even when I let him move in with me during our dating period while he had no job or an education, he chose to bring pictures of his ex girlfriends into the house. All of this has been really bothersome. I have been through therapy, and have taken medication after medication. Due to all the emotional trauma, I even had two failed suicidal attempts resulting in hospitalization in a mental unit on two separate occasions.

I am a mother and I'm trying my best not to repeat any of that nonsense. For someone who believes that past should be past, I do not understand why I am having a hard time keeping his past in the past. It doesn't help that it's been over 2 years of marriage and we still haven't taken a trip together anywhere. When I think about the fact that he went to Vegas and Bermuda with his ex fiancé years ago, it makes me cringe and I am resistant to even plan a trip with him anywhere. All in all, I'm so perplexed and super depressed. The "Shut up... Get over it" dialog goes through my head a thousand times a day, but it still doesn't stop me from googling his ex fiancé, or looking up her Facebook business page, or monitoring what my sister in law is doing in terms of liking or commenting on her pictures...

This really is crazy, and I never thought that I would be so insecure. Please help!

I think you have lumped all your rather many issues into one pot, and no wonder you are overwhelmed, and going in circles. This happens often when you have a lot of past baggage, unresolved, and take on even more.

If I were your friend (and I am), I would tell you to focus on what's the highest priority, (your new family, which is you son, and husband), and the things you can control (what you do with your own time), and let what's out of your control go (the actions, and interactions of others), so you can stop competing with the ghosts of the past, and enjoy what you have.

Your obsession with the actions of others is because you refuse to admit you cannot control what others feel, or do, and that you have no power over them, but are constantly wanting them to change to make yourself feel better. Yet you give into that fear that to be happy, others have to be happier with you than hat came before you.

Build your own life that you enjoy, and makes you happy, and that means with your own friends, and activities, NOT those of your husband, his family, or his ex, or his exes mama.

Then you won't have the time to worry about what makes others happy, or what they do for themselves, but will focus on what YOU do for YOURSELF.

That's what's important NOW, what you do for yourself, so make a plan that helps you vent the emotional stress OUT of you through physical activities, work, chores, or hobbies, so you can be occupied with what's good, and stop wandering through this emotional limbo, as you continue to heal from not only past hurts, and miseries, but present ones that are being made by YOU, so you need a positive support system, just for YOU!

Why do I think all you need is a friend, or two, or close family to help you with some healthy, positive thinking?

Have you and your husband considered counseling? The fact that your husband has chosen to hang on to his relationship with her does not help, I find that disrespectful. He needs to set some boundaries with her mother. That is just rude, but you need to stop snooping on the face book page of his sister if it brings you discomfort.
Get your own circle of friends and concentrate on your son. I highly suggest you and your husband do some marriage counseling. If he doesn't, do it for you.

Thank you Talaniman and Homegirl. I have signed up for counseling starting Jan 4th. It's a new year, and it's time to change the way I live MY life. Echoing the words of you both, there is no way that I can control the actions of others. Even if I were to get my husband, his close friend, his sister and everyone in the entire world to assure me a thousand times that I'm the best thing that happened to my husband, it doesn't make an ounce of difference if I refuse to believe that for myself. I'm hoping and praying that 2012 will be the year that I regain my identity. Since we became a couple in Feb 2009, it's been all about him, his circle of friends and not to mention, his family that lives 20 minutes down the road. I'm a transplant to Dallas and it was my choice to run away from my close network in Philadelphia. However, I'm now realizing that trying to make it on my own and "merge" into someone else's shadow has made me lose myself in the process. It's obvious that I haven't allowed my husband and I to carve out our identity together as a couple, considering that I'm constantly haunting and taunting him of his past. If anything, I've rewinded his life 18 some years and have basically trapped him there. The obsessive compuslive behavior that I have developed needs to be eradicated, and I am the only one who can take the inititative and continue with the measures to live a better, healthier life for my son. And yes, you are both right. I need to stop mopping around on Facebook wondering who is doing what. Fighting the ghosts of the past has taken a toll on me physically as well. It's no wonder that I'm exhausted all the time. Raising a 11 month old child who is about to get very active requires for me to be here physically and mentally equipped. Thank you so much for being straight forward with me. I appreciate it!

And no your past is something that comes with you and never changes, it is how we deal with the past.

As for family and friends, sorry you can not ask people to stop being friends with another just because one party breaks up with them.

Myself, my ex wife's sister will all be my sister in law and her mom and dad were like my mom and dad till they day they died. I often stopped and talked or visted with them.

If you and your husband were to divorce, he would have to keep in contact with you and his child, what if his new wife wanted him to break all contact with you and his child.
*** we had someone on here this week wanting that***

So my best advice, get off face book, don't stalk them, don't care what comments they like or what photos they share. It is really and truly non of your business. You are obsessing on things that you can't control, your husband can't control and are very unrealistic.

Don't let all that Texas sun go to waste, its gorgeous this time of year, and the Metroplex is a great place to live. Explore all those opportunities, there are MANY!!

I wish you the best

I Hate His/Her Ex is a book for anyone having difficulty coming to terms with their partners past relationships - brilliant read! Available on Amazon or most bookstores - Download from Amazon or buy it on paperback!

Pixiemoore: I just purchased the book for $14 at Amazon. I can't wait to read it as soon as it's delivered on Monday :)

Talaniman: It's indeed gorgeous down here in Jan of all times. I'm trying to find a new job that will let me work more normal hours, Monday through Friday. The current schedule of every Fri, Sat and Sun is making my husband and I raise our son like single parents. We don't even see each other because my husband doesn't get home until really late on M-Thu nights and the rest of the week when I'm working, I don't get home until 8:30pm. We haven't functioned as a family unit in a very long time. I've put out several applications in the last two months but so far no doors have opened up. I'm going to be persistent until something comes through.

Fr Chuck: Your post reminded me of the simple fact that my parents are divorced. Although they are remarried, their spouses are all very much tolerant of my mom and dad still maintaing contact with their respective children. Granted, my mother lives half across the world and none of us have seen her in 12 years, my step mom is very much tolerant of my dad having a relationship with us kids. Likewise, my dad still remains civil to the friends and family he accrued through my mom. So, yes, you are right, for it's an unrealistic expectation to expect everyone else to accommodate to my "needs" and "wants." Being in therapy right now is helping me realize that even if his friends and family were to cut off all ties with his past to make my happy, really and truly, I won't be happy for as long as I'm insecure, bitter and fearful, my mind will entertain all sorts of unnecessary thoughts.

Thank you everyone for your ongoing support. Looking forward to my therapy session this evening. I've been blessed with a great counselor!

Just an update: I've been seeing a therapist since the first week in January 2012. I've been keeping up with it once a week since then. I've also had the opportunity to take my husband to counseling with me for a few sessions. Meanwhile, I've been reading the book "I hate his/her ex." Aside from focusing on things to help me be a better person for myself, my husband, my son and my community, I've been plugging back into my spiritual life as well. It's a work in progress, and I'm reminded daily of the change of heart that's already taking place within me. Thank you for all the encouragement!

Blessings to you all!

One more additional good news to add: I haven't checked out my husband's ex's Facebook page... let alone my sister in law's Facebook activity... The temptation has been there, but I've been choosing to not let any images or thoughts flood or feed my insecurity!