My ex lover and I couldn't be together because our families would not have accepted it due to us being of different religions. I told him that we shall convince our parents but he was firm and knew that we do not have a future ahead and we accepted this hard reality. We were good friends before our courtship.

He went abroad for his career for a year and I supported him as a friend. He came back and got busy with his career and wanted a casual relation with some intimacy (like we had earlier) which I did not want respecting his earlier decision of parting ways.

We were in NO CONTACT for one year because he was busy in his career after coming back and did not want any distraction. In the meantime, I really missed him but did not contact him because he did not want me too and wished me luck and told me indirectly to move on. He told me not to disclose our brief relation to anyone. (no friends, no family) Also during this one year his friend asked me out and I declined because I was still in love with my ex lover and could not get over him.

Suddenly after a year he contacted me and said he was to go abroad again and wanted to meet. I was really surprised by him contacting me and told him we could meet as friends. I met him with all the warmth and he wanted the same coziness and bit of intimacy but I stopped. I TOLD HIM HOW MUCH I STILL LOVED HIM BUT HE TOLD ME TO STOP DWELLING ON IT. He later told me that me not being intimate with him the other day , (like we used to be earlier) made him feel as if I did not care for him, (which is so untrue. I have always loved him.)

Also he got to know that his friend had asked me out and I declined him for my ex lover. He blasted at me for disclosing it to his friend and told me not to contact him (my ex lover) ever again.

Again after 4 months my ex contacted me for clarification about his friend and I cleared everything. He suggested that we should go out casually but he was not ready for a relationship. He accused me of being a stone, arrogant and rigid and dogmatic and what not.. He even said that we both were just attracted to each other and saying I love you doesn't mean something concrete. This shattered me. He met me and for all the clarifications again. We again parted amicably and he said that we should not contact each other again.

After a week again he contacted me and said that he is missing me and would love to see me. I told him that he can't keep undoing me and keep on coming in and out of my life at his own will and I also have feelings and I get hurt like other humans do. He Again started blaming me and said that I have Ego. For the first time in my life I told him not to contact me again, over the phone because I have had enough. I HAVE NEVER SPOKEN TO ANYONE RUDELY AND HARSHLY BEFORE AND HAVE NEVER BROKEN OFF TIES, BUT THIS TIME..

Why do I still feel so sad and as if I have hurt him? I am losing my peace of mind!

It looks like he is throwing you backwards and forwards, pulling at your heartstrings but when you get close throwing you away again.

He knows exactly how you feel, but it also seems like with every interaction you are putting the ball in his court.

He needs to know after all this time that, if he isn't going to be honest with you and himself and either tell you he loves you and you both make it work, that he's going to lose you - and you need to accept this and not give him the satisfaction of knowing that you will be at his beck and call.

@confusedhere : Yes thank you for the concern. I am really grateful to you ! Wish someday I can get over this . I hate this phase right now of missing him despite of knowing I should not and that he has hurt me a lot of times

Missing him after a few years of high hopes and being used is understandable, but have heart, If you stick to your word of keeping him out of your life FOREVER, no matter what, this phase will be but a memory, in the past. It takes time, and being good to yourself, and you will realize that it was a great thing that you finally stood up for yourself, and did what you had to for yourself.

When all the emotional dust settles, you will have that peace of mind.