I'm in need of advice! I really don't know where to start so ill try and keep it simple. I have been with my husband 12 years and we have a 5 year old. Inlaws don't live local- about a 2 hour drive when in uk or a 2 hour flight when abroad.

They don't ring, email, text, skype nothing. Twice a year we get a phone asking what our child wants for xmas/birthday. Before I was pregnant they kept letting us down mostly last minute too after demanding specific dates which we would have to cancel plans for, we were told that's the ONLY date we can see you or it will be 6 months. Generally speaking they have not supported their son and he feels very let down by them. While I was 8 months pregnant we were supposed to go to them for xmas and on the 23rd dec at 8pm they rang and cancelled! When they found out I was pregnant they were excited and planned to come and stay and help after the birth... needless to say they didn't. Now to be fair the mil had a health issue (but that's standard!) so I hope you can see a pattern of let downs... At that time we tried to talk to them explain how we felt and sort things out but they hit the roof and then pretended it never happened. That was 5 years ago and since then things between us have been bitter, resentful and very stressful. Both my husband and I feel the same about them but they don't seem to care, they don't want to be involved in ANYTHING we do and mil has a very good knack of upsetting everyone with what she says. Mil is very selfish and only cares about what she wants or she throws a tantrum.
It all recently came to a head at a family do. And since then WE thought that perhaps it was a positive thing and now at last we could talk and sort things out. However since then we received a very long a unemotional and cold email from them which was just plain nasty.

We have since got talking to FIL but MIL does NOT know anything about it because FIL knows she will flip out. Talks with FIL started well then went sour and we have not spoken since. Part of the problem is that inlaws thinks they are the best most doting grandparents in the would but that is so far from the truth they don't know anything about their grandchild.

I have confided in one of the family about things as they suspected as much was going on and they too have had problems with them and have also in the past received a very nasty email (mil's brother and wife) they are totally undstanding of what's happening but non of us understand the inlaws!

How on earth do we proceed from here? Since the big fall out nine months ago the mil has started sending things in the post to our child with promices to take him places and see him etc. How can mil expect to have a relationship with our (there only grandchild) and not us.

Inlaws don't do emotions or talking they like get stick there heads in the sand and pretend the show go on as normal... we just can't do that.

Please let me know you thoughts. Clearly this is only some of the story I can't fit 12 years worth on here!

Thanks so much

Although it's sad, it's reality that isn't going to change, and your expectations need to be lowered drastically. You also need to stop thinking that you can involve other family in an assessment of how good or bad they are as inlaws, and especially the FIL, who it sounds like you might have driven away by wanting to convince him about how awful his wife is. I BELIEVE you about her, but I don't agree with how you are trying to handle it. And if she has poor health, who knows what it and any medications might be doing to her personality.

You have a husband and child. Leave it at that. (Not sure if you have parents yourself or not.) Serious problems with your inlaws need to be handled by your husband. Avoid family gatherings more and when there, just be pleasantly superficial. Someday they will be gone. Your child doesn't need to be in the middle of strife he doesn't understand. Concentrate on the relatives you do get along with. I know this is easy for me to say, and I know it rarely works out without complications (such as when plans are made and you get ditched), but strive to free yourself from this thing you can't change.

Thank you for your quick response. Its funny you say that my expectaions are too high, that's what my FIL said. I find it very sad that they don't want to be involved- though they say they do but they can't promise things to my child that won't happen and leave me to handle the fall out. Two phone calls a year does not make you grandparent of the year. Is it not strange that they don't wish to see him grow up?

So you think the best way to handle it is to lower expectations to nothing and pretend nothing has happened and go along with the 'show'?

I just find it hard to swallow all the fakeness-whats the point of it? Ive never met people like them. My parents and grandparents are shocked by them and disgusted. They have read the emails and know the full extent of what's happened.

Im not sure why you think that I've driven FIL away by trying to convince him how awful his wife is... why would you think that I've solely discussed her? We spoke about all the issues-well tried to!

I'm sorry if I assumed anything. The sentence that followed 'going sour' with FIL seemed to imply that you had tried to convince him of all they were doing wrong, and since MIL wasn't to know you two were talking, I assumed a lot had to be about her.
Not only do I think your expectations are too high, I also don't think you can convince anyone in life that they are wrong about anything, unless it's one simple obvious act. These are 2 people who don't show emotions, hide their heads in the sand, think gifts show love, and just plain are somewhat 'removed' from real involvement with their grandchild. That's all part of their entire personalities.
I have friends who are so involved with extended family that their lives are consumed by it, and others who haven't a clue what even immediate family is doing. Most of us fall somewhere in between.