I am from a different country from the US, but I'm here for work for a while. I met a guy who is an American and we hung out a bit and he asked me out. He doesn't want a super serious relationship, but he said he really likes me and is attracted to me. I think he's pretty cool too. I also don't want something serious. But since I'm not from around here, I'm not sure what relevance sex has. I'm a virgin, because the way I've grown up, sex is a big deal, and I suppose I'm saving myself for someone really special or for marriage. So while I'm interested in him, I don't want to involve sex. But does it really matter to American guys?

I'm not American, OR a guy. But I feel the need to answer this.

If you're a virgin and saving yourself, the one you'll marry WILL wait for that time. He won't want you to lose it sooner. If you're attracted to someone you're in a relationship with, you can kiss them to show that. You don't HAVE to take it further. I'm proud that you are able to keep your chastity.

X Dani

Depends on the person as to how important sex is in a relationship. You would have to ask him how important it is to him. It can also depend on the relationship. Since he knows you won't be staying in the US, he may be more willing to keep things on a non-sexual level.

Be honest with him and if he can't take 'no' for an answer then he isn't a person you want to date. What you don't want to do is lead him to believe that the relationship is going to become sexual when that is not what you want.

You might want to make it clear that you want to keep the relationship on a platonic level because you are only in the US temporarily and you don't believe in casual sex. Let him decide if he wants to keep seeing you once he knows where you stand. If he doesn't, then there are other men. If he does, then I hope you can build a lasting friendship.

It isn't a serious relationship and if having sex is such a big deal to you I would make sure the first guy you have it with is somebody special. Not to some guy who isn't serious to you. I was raised to save myself until marriage, but to be honest I don't really believe in that. I think having sex with somebody is the biggest way to show that you love and trust somebody and I wouldn't just throw that away to any guy. A lot of people don't have sex right away and not in every relationship. You need to do what is best for you. I am an american girl, by the way, if that helps.

Thank you all for responding.

I had told the guy that I'm not interested in a relationship, serious or otherwise at this time, so he had said we should continue being friends. We hung out again and he was asking me about my culture and what role sex plays in it. Where I come from, sex is a very private affair and lots of people don't do it till they are married or have only one partner who they later on marry. There are lots who indulge in it much like Americans do, but it is all still very private.

I also asked him about the American paradigm regarding sex, and he said that here in America, everyone has sex and it is pretty rare to find someone who will not want it from you, if you are dating. Only ultra-conservative people or those who are very religious would not expect it.

Not that I'm looking for an American guy to end up with or something, but I would like to NOT be someone who will closely associate only with those who are from my own culture. I want to be open to meeting and getting to know all kinds of people and maybe also finding love with someone completely different from me. However, I don't think I can become someone who treats sex lightly. It is not that it is important to me because of religious reasons and I do not consider it immoral for people to treat sex the way they seem to do in America, but I've grown up with a certain mindset and I cannot take it lightly. It is important to me. I have to have a strong emotional bond and trust with someone before I'll get physically intimate with them.

So considering all this, am I stupid to think that I could actually build a close relationship with someone outside of my culture? Should I just close my mind's door to American guys in general?

Again, I'm not looking to end up with someone foreign to me. I'm looking to just fall in love with someone eventually and not care about where they are from in doing that.

There are some general American people that believe sex is very precious. It's not always a cultural or religious thing, it depends how they've been brought up and what they personally believe in.

X Dani

I think if you stay within the boundaries of what YOU think is good behavior and stick by your own guns, then you will be fine. No doubt you will meet many, some more honest than others, and some mor selfish than others. No matter what they are, you deal with them accordingly.

Not all American guys are hormone driven, at least not all the time, so deal with us as individuals until you know us enough to either trust us, or NOT!

I hope you enjoy your experience here, through the good, and the bad.

Hi talaniman,
Yes I understand what you mean, and I do treat every person I meet as an individual, American or not. But when it comes to falling for someone, I think I'd rather not, if the chances are that I'll be rejected because I am not willing to have sex till I'm more sure. I will still treat people as individuals, but I think I'll keep a check on my own emotions and not fall for any American guy too easily.
Thanks for responding! :)

We are very hard to resist, but you already know that. :D

Talaniman Rule - Never assume that your feelings are shared by others. Just ask, and act accordingly

QUOTE by seaweed86;
I also asked him about the American paradigm regarding sex, and he said that here in America, everyone has sex and it is pretty rare to find someone who will not want it from you, if you are dating.

So considering all this, am I stupid to think that I could actually build a close relationship with someone outside of my culture? Should I just close my mind's door to American guys in general?


Think of it this way... would you expect someone who comes to your country to base the belief of how things are handled, especially something like sex, on what one person tells them?

There are plenty of Americans who hold the same beliefs that you do regarding sex and relationships.

You are certainly not stupid, just misinformed by covering an entire population by the limited experience of one guy.

Sure, you will meet some people who will want to have sex, just as you will meet some who want to wait until they are married, or wait until they are in a very committed relationship. No doubt you would find the same in any country.

Continue to get to know different people while you are in America. Just remain upfront about your beliefs from the start and you will be able to find those who feel the same way that you do much faster.

First there is not one "American culture" on this. In America, many people due to religious or nationality do not have sex till they are married, ( or wait till they are at least in a long term relationship.

Others will have sex after several months of dating.

And there are many who only live for today and the pleasure they get that have sex with someone they just meet and don't even know their names. And will never see them again after that night.

It is not and does not matter what "everyone else "does, you do only what you want to do.

Again, thank you fr_chuck and DoulaLC.
I suppose I'll just learn more about different cultures and how to adapt to them as I go along, even relationship wise. Have to say though, relationships were hard enough when the implicit assumption was that sex will not be had till marriage. I feel like a complete stranger to a world where that's completely open and people differ widely on what they expect. Let's see :-) this was more of a curiousness question than anything else.

@talaniman - I share in that belief, always prefer to ask rather than assume anything, but in this case, I am not used to talking openly about sex with people who are not extremely close to me. I'll live to be more open I guess :)

This has two sides - you are not from the US and are making judgments about "our" culture. Many people in the US make those same judgments about people from other countries who come "here" and judge "those people" based on experiences with those one or two people.

It's not fair in either direction.

"We" are no different from "you." We make our decisions based on our own morals and don't get pressured into what we don't want to do.