Hello! I am 21 years old and I cannot have an orgasm with my boyfriend of 4 months. This has made our sex life quite frustrating, and it is bumming both of us out.

I have been with 3 people prior to him, and I have realized that I have developed some habits from when I was with my first sexual partner of 2 years. During intercourse, most of the time I would be stimulating my **** while he was inside of me, and we would both climax that way. I have also touched myself to climax with the other partners, and we were both left satisfied.

With my new boyfriend, the first time we had sex, he commented on me touching myself, and asked me why I was doing that; he had never been with someone that did that, and he is used to giving all the pleasure to get his partners to orgasm. I told him that this habit was something that I have done with all of my previous partners, but he really wants to get me to climax with only him touching me.

It is very frustrating and hard for me to me to get to the point of climax without me touching myself. It almost seems as though I "shut off" when he touches me, and I never reach climax because he cannot make me feel that same feeling that I can give to myself to get me there. I have only had very seldom orgasms with my first partner touching me without my help, but overall, in all my sexual experience I only reach orgasm by my own touch alone.

Also, I have formed masturbating habits that I am still trying to break. When I masturbate, I can very easily *** by spreading my legs out in the air, and stretching my hamstrings and/or by physically tightening my perineum/anus/vulva area. It takes a lot more time and patience to orgasm any other way when masturbating.

I just need to figure out how to overcome this, and to be able to feel good to the point of orgasm when someone else is touching me. I know this is all mental, and it is also very depressing for me and my partner. I feel inadequate and unable to move past these habits I have formed in my sexual life.

I think your new partner is being slightly unrealistic. I'd say that if you asked a lot of women, they would also have to touch themselves to orgasm during sex. A lot of women struggle to be brought to orgasm by their partner and really there is nothing wrong with it... unless you are expected to only *** this way and you are left frustrated when you can't.

It doesn't really matter if he hasn't been with anyone that has done that before or not, or that he thinks he should be the one that brings you to orgasm. If it doesn't work for you... don't do it. You both deserve to be satisfied and if it takes you to give yourself an orgasm... then do it!

These aren't habits you have to break.. if that's what feels good.. then that's what feels good.

I completely understand. My friends and I have experienced very similar issues.

One of the most important things I've learned is that masturbating can't be the same as having sex with a partner (at least not for me). The experiences are too different, and I don't feel safe combining them. What I've learned is that orgasm is easier to achieve during sex when both partners are willing to set aside expectations born from previous experiences and explore what they can do together.

Frustration is natural, but counterproductive. I recommend turning your sex on its head. Well, maybe not literally, although that could be fun. Instead, think about changing locations, styles, anything to put you both in a new experience that you can create together. Maybe you don't reach orgasm the first time, that's okay. As long as you are both working towards satisfying each other and yourselves, you are on the right track.

Don't get down on yourself. Habits are natural and can be healthy, but you always have options. You are never stuck and you are never failing, you are just trying something that isn't as effective as you would like it to be. Feel free to explore and try new things. They don't have to work.

Best of luck.