This is my story and I really need help as I have stopped moving...

About 6 or so years my ex and I have broke up because of her family which they didn't accept me for cultural reasons. At that time I have accepted that she was gone but never forgotten her, she did call me couple of times along the way and I have always answered and asked her to come back, and she didn't. A few years after that I have found out that she has gotten engaged so I left the country to work abroad, which I have done and really did good in my career. During that time she has tried to add me through Facebook and sent me few messages asking how I was doing... I never answered.

A few months ago I have returned to my country and started working here, she again sent me a message and I have replied, I was cold because I was really hurt anyway she told me that she didn't get married and I have always been remembered in the best of ways. She asked to meet but I rejected. A few months after she sent me another message asking how I was and I replied with a long message saying that I still do love her but can't be a friend only and if there are no future for us, then please leave me alone because it does hurt to still be reminded of her.

Then she asked to have my contact and maybe meet, I said OK and we have meet, at that time I was being in control and then she told me what have happened to her and she wants a family and she wants to be happy ( but never indicated it was me). So I asked for another chance as long as we have the same intention, she agreed and we kicked off we actually slept together and went on a trip, during that time I admit I was a bit pushy but never did I hide my intention that I want us to end up together, she said she doesn't want a relationship. If things work then it is straight to proposal, I agreed not to label what we have and marriage what I wanted.

We stayed around 2 months together in the beginning she was welcoming but then she started always talking about her ex and what they had, in the start I was telling her this subject hurt me but then she said she needed to talk about him. Days go by and I am only listing to her talking good and bad about him she even said that he really love her but he was stupid and a child ( he is 10 years older than her) he was her fiancé and then a BF where they stayed together for around 4 years... and basically lived together.

Anyway we were always on the phone and I was supportive, I even didn't talk about future with her, when she one day came and said that she is not ready for a relationship and she has issues and can't jump from a relation to another and she have to put herself first, believe me I was supportive even when she was blaming me about the past when I was with her, and when I told her that I didn't have any other relationship while we were not together ( as she said that is not healthy), anyway few days ago we were talking on the phone and suddenly she went back talking about him, no problem for me but then she started being explicit and saying that he has taking her down to his level ( by the way he is still stalking her almost everyday for the past year when she broke up with him) so I said sweetie you are being explicit... she was angry and hung up the phone, I tried calling but she sent a message saying she can't talk.

Anyway at night I called and she answered few minutes later, and then she started saying that we can't even be friends now but maybe in the future, she knows that I have feelings for her and it is not fair that she always talk to me about her past, but that all she has, she still have issues and can't jump into a relationship. When I said but I have always listened even though I didn't like it but it was for her own good, she said but I didn't like the subject and I was always upset because she saw me (face time conversation).

I asked if she see me in her future she said at the moment no but don't know later. So I said you know my contacts and everything about me. When ever you are done with your issues and think I am the right person for you then give me a call. I wanted to end it up on that note, but she got upset again, and said that I was selfish for not letting her say what she wants to saY, that it was the wrong timing, and she will always be there for me. We hung up, and there are no contact for 4 days.

What do you read from that is she gone forever now ?

My read is you have catered to her, and followed her program long enough, and its time you see the futility of living in false hope, and make up your mind to cut ALL, and any contact with her, and build a life that makes you happy.

You have let this female play on your feelings for her own selfish purposes for long enough. Time to stand on your own and do for yourself. Its been that way for a long while guy, but the problem is you have failed to act in your own interest, because you have always allowed her to talk you out of it.

Stop that crap.

So she is gone forever :(... is that what you think... there is no hope

Oh she will be back. Not to marry you, but to suck more from you as she moves along with her life.

You are an option when she needss it. You just wait until she does. I don't know, maybe love has you blind, but she clearly dominates your life in a very unhealthy way.

Thank you for your honesty, what I was doing lately was to show that I do stand behind her always... and do care about her, but unfortunately, as soon as I spoke my mind of her not being classy (as she said) she did turn against me and blamed me for the past ( although I was pushing to marry her)... what dose piss me off is that she keeps on telling me that I should have been in a relationship to understand, and her last advise is to be in a relationship... not even giving credit that I do want to be with her , and left her alone all these years not to ruin what she had... man, she humiliated the guy to the extent of abusing him physically letrely and made him cry and beg in front of all hers friends begging after he cheated on her... she told me that no one will tolerate that and you won't... but he did because he loves me and oh she could him a teenager ( he is 40 and she is almost 30)... and I said I will never take that... any ways it is her lost... I offered safety, security and unconditional love... which she clearly dose not want as she still want to party and get drunk ( she started doing that 2 years ago, because he got her into that ) that is messed up.

Yes it is messed up. To be blunt you give into her whims, and wants the same way the other guy did.

What is your advise... I won't give in like her ex did... I do respect myself and she knows that very well... that is why she is nervous and said that she doesn't want me to see her broken... to be honest I am so confused... sorry that I am going round and round... but I am really confused

I read the entire thread.
Sorry it might sting, but,
1. I don't think she loves you (anymore). Positive on this.
2. She needed someone to talk about everything, who won't create any problem later with all the information she pours while talking.
3. If a girl hates a guy and wants to forget him, she will erase him off his mind. She won't be talking about that guy over and over if she really hates him.
4. And you don't deserve this. There are other women who would die to get an unconditional, supportive, listening-to-everything-guy.

So, do not feel pity of her situation, she can very well handle her situation. Stop contacts, move on before it is too late. If you continue, even after years and years, this still looks like a dead end.
Sorry.

You offer much, but she doesn't appreciate it. Someone else will. Heal from her influence, and share your happiness and loving care with someone that will do the same for you.

Thank you both for your input... it is much appreciated, but she is the love of my life and I don't know how to basiclly move on, you know I used to hire flight attendance for a living... but yet I didn't even matter.

Anyway... I thought that she wanted the contact because she has been around and she found out that I am a person that really love her... she is a pessimistic woman with lots of baggage as they say ( she started taking medicine to fall asleep while she was with him) one time she told me that she doesn't love him and lost interest when she was with him but she couldn't let go and don't want to be alone, and also she didn't want to interfere with my life thinking I was in a relationship, when it comes to people that she is able to talk to about her situation, she has 2 friends (both of them divorces and remarried also drinks, both of them above 45 and one of them looking to get divorced every other day) they both know about her situation and both of them tells her that he was a good guy and loved her dearly and they do blame her, her family as she said they didn't support her when she ended the engagement and he has proposed many times after but they rejected him, during her engagement to him she told him about me and apperantly she talks about me when she is drunk, she told me that he was a friend then a lover and then everything in her world , and I can't be the same ( I always told her that she is my world but not only a friend)... I seruoisly don't know what she wants... she said that we are not clicking, I do know that she has a blockaed around her which is understandable , I went with her rules but she doesn't appreciate that... I do know it is over for me and she doesn't see me as a husband, but will she call and if she did should I answer, one time she told me that she added me on Facebook a while ago on a different name so she could see how was I doing and what am I doing... also she said that she felt guilty about our break up because every one blamed her... then she blamed me because I didn't try enough... to be honest am I analyzing something that doesn't excist anymore... knowing that there no hope for me... how to let go... I was really fine before she came back to my life... I was enjoing life to the fulist.. a dream job and a good life... but she was always there in the back of my mind even when I thought she was married... I found out that she was not married just recently when she told me... I just don't know how to move on... and if there are any hope

She is right about one thing. You should have moved on to another relationship.

She was not over you, and you were not over her.

Despite all that she has done to you, you let her back into your life, and expected that things would be different. But she spent more time lamenting about her ex, than she did working on a new relationship with you. But, you took that, and I don't understand why.

In the four years you were apart, what prevented you from moving on. I'm not so sure I believe you that you weren't in contact with her during that time. Somehow, she was comfortable enough after all the rejections from you (messaging etc.) that she was just able to jump back into your life after four years.

And what of the cultural reasons, that broke the two of you up in the first place. I presume that those reasons are still there. How is it that now, you don't even mention that.

And still, you are hanging on, wondering what will happen in the future, now that she has gone again. You wonder if she will ever contact you again.

I'd say that she's never stopped contacting you, and will likely continue to, when it suits her purpose. When she needs somebody to support her, and help her with her boyfriend/relationship problems, and likes to have you waiting so she can cry on your shoulder. Only to up and go again, when she can go and tackle her life without you in it.

That you have not moved on over several years, and counting, and continue to hold out hope that somehow a relationship with her will work out, and you will get married, and live happily ever after, is worrysome.

That you continue to live your life around her, either not getting over her, or waiting for her to come back, seems to me, worthy of therapy in itself. To choose to live your life this way, is where I see the problem. It has nothing to do with her, she is the one that you choose to justify this continued denial of living on, and yet clearly, you have had opportunity to move on.

No matter that you had a dream job, and were apparently enjoying life to the fullest, she was, as you said, "always there in the back of my mind, even when I thought she was married".

There is a big chunk of your life that you are not living. Because of your continued justification of living in the past, and hoping for a future that isn't going to work out, to me, it seems strange that you would not see this. Or choose not to deal with it.

Taking her out of the picture, in your post, only leaves you, not her, stuck. Have you considered at all that this infatuation with her, is seriously affecting your life?

Thank you Jake for your input, but I really have not contacted her since our breakup the first time... she always did... I only responded recently when I thought she was always trying to find out what I was doing... as for the moving on... yes I have meet girls during my time abroad but there were only friends nothing more, to a point I didn't want to get hurt and I was concentrating on building a better future in my professional life.
As for why I put up with her recently when she was talking about her past... I was only supporting and actually never commented on what ever happened to her... also when she were talking about the subject she said that I needed to know so I will know where is she coming from. The issue is that I don't run into relationships... I had few in the past but this one is the closest to me, as for the cultural differences, the change is that in my country girls usually get married between 23-28 and when they reach 30's they are most likely to be considered... it dose happen but not likely... which is a fact (crazy culture) anyway... in the past she was much younger and was still in school at the moment she is a business owner... that is the difference, why am I stuck on her until now... I am actually confused and not knowing if she will call or she wouldn't it is just wondring... and if she did what should I say... you know so many questions and I do analyze a lot this is a problem

Cut ALL contact, and ignore her forever, and eventually, you will heal. You will no longer be confused, because you will no longer be available for her confusion, drama, and FALE HOPE.

You will get your natural strength back, that you have allowed her to suck from you, and will no longer be afraid to be hurt, or take risks.

How to move on... is a good question. Unless you are really willing to move on, want to have a good future for yourself, ready to take a step ahead, refuse to dwell in the past, you cannot move on. So, you know what is best for you. A firm decision.

I feel really bad, I don't know how to make a decision... how long is NC??

Tman77, I absolutely agree with everything everyone has said here. The one things she's right about is she is not ready for a relationship. You have feelings as well and your feelings are valid. It's very difficult when someone your with continuously talks about an ex or past relationships. You do have hope Tman77 but not with this woman. There is someone out there for you that has all the same dreams that you have. Someone that will love and appreciate you for you and your kindness. She is taking advantage of your kindness. You can enjoy life to it's fullest. You can't enjoy your life with her in your life. She is draining all of your positive energy out of you. Do not allow her to do this to you. This girl obviously has issues that she needs help with but she can't use you to load all of her issues onto. It will take time to move past her. Love can be a satisfying thing or can be heartbreaking. This may be a really hard thing to hear at this time but you need to break all contact with this girl. There is someone out there for you. Who is your perfect soul mate. But unfortunately, she's not the one.

Take care of yourself. Start doing some things for you. Go do some things you really enjoy. Treat yourself. Be good to yourself. After all, you're a good person and you deserve it! You do not deserve someone who does not return your love. You deserve the best!!

geminichick

Thank you Gimini for your input, it is Hard... I don't have any contact with her... She choose to leave... And I am not going to contact her in any shape or form to be honest... She said we don't click and we can't be friends... I don't know is that from anger or what but she said she doesn't me in her life at the moment... It is her lost... My last contact was with her when we had that conversation... I told her when ever she has things solved and think I will be good with her she knows where to find me and if I am available at that time... But I won't iniate any contact she is the one who walked away... And I know I am a good person... But maybe not for her... I am looking to commit but not to play a game or to be on my toe all the time

She keeps contact because it benefits her, no one else.

You will never move on, as long as you keep her as a choice, and allow her to come back into your life when she wants to.

It is time to cut all any and all contact.
Delete her as a Facebook friend, block her emails, send them to spam, don't open them, if she calls or texts, don't answer and don't listen to any message.

Don't check on her on Facebook or some site to see how she is doing.

Then in time you can start thinking about yourself and what can you do without her.

Thank you Fr_Chuck for your input
It is a bit hard... believe I have never contacted her before and to be honest from what she has said at the end by even saying that we can't be friends now... because she knows I have feelings and get upset when she talks about her Ex all the time but this is what she had to live with... oh and at the moment she can't see me in her life... I don't think she will even call... it has been almost 1 week since we last talked and that was it (when we had that conversation)

In this case, best see NC as forever.

No contact goes on as long as it takes. I think a broken heart heals like any other broken BODY part - you need time to heal. Maybe it will take a year or two or three. Maybe you'll NEVER get over her. That doesn't mean that your life can't and won't go on.

In your heart, what do you want to happen?

I think I would have no contact. Decide every morning not to contact her (or let her contact you) for that one day. Go to bed, get up the next morning, say, "Okay, no contact just for today." Pretty soon the days run together.

I think she is/was using you - or trying to. In many cases the only way to save yourself is to stay OUT of the claws of the controlling person.

You are well spoken, you seem kind, you have a handle on things. If she's a user - and it sounds like she is, even though I don't know her - she will zoom in on your good nature and attempt to run things.

What do you think it will take for you to heal your heart? Sometimes the answer is there. You just have to look inward to find it.

You have to muster up the courage & realization that she is not the one for you.

I think you have put up with enough. It didn't work before, it didn't work now & its not going to work tomorrow.

Get out of denial. You may want her, but she doesn't.

The longer you stay with this, the longer you will be miserable and confused.

As you asked for my input here it is;you have been given a lot of good advice -I agree with what previous posters have said.

I can only add that when it's over,it's most often over for good and for good reasons-it wasn't meant to be.

The sooner you realise that you have got to start living your own life-making the most of who you are and what you have got,the quicker you will heal.

No contact is often forever,it works as it helps get rid of the confusion and the false hope.

If/when an ex tries to get in touch,my take is they do so either because they want some sort of control over you,or they feel bad.

That's their problem-not yours.

Go live your life my friend,heal and make the most of it.

Take care.

This relationship has issues, do you believe that you can work on overcoming them? Better yet do you think she wants to put the effort forward as well? I would go NC and do what I could to improve my life. I firmly believe that if you get to a place where you are happy in your life without her then if she decides to give it a go you can look at with a different perspective and may just decline.

The reason the others suggested NC is so that you can completely get over her. It's pointless to go into NC only to go crawling back to her eventually. Then you mine as well never stop trying.

I understand that you really love her and that you're willing to wait for her to come back to you. But there's no guarantee that she will come back to you.

Try thinking about it this way. She already knows how you feel about her, so the ball is really on her side of the court. You don't have anything else you need to prove to her. If she loved you back, she will come find you and be with you.

The fact that she wants to put some distance from you is because she doesn't feel the same way. And you can't force her to feel the same way about you, it will happen naturally (without your influence).

NC is to help you move on with your life so that you don't keep holding onto something that may never happen.

Wow... sweety there is no hope in this relationship to be honest is not a relationship it is a game of cat and mouse and tag at the same time. She is playing both of you emotionally and mentally and you are letting her do this to you. As much as you want this to work it will never be healthy for you or for herself. The best thing to do is move on with yourself remove all contacts with her and heal yourself. Sometimes it hurts more to forget a person then to be with that person, and the way I see it that is the problem you are only hurting yourself. Move on and be happy and you will see there is light on the other side of the tunnel. Share that love you have with someone else who will appreciate you and love you unconditionally as well.

Don't give up hope you will find someone as wonderful as yourself. Appreciate yourself and the decisions you make to bring you happiness. Good Luck

She enjoys your company, but does not respect you. As long as you are available she will continue to run back to you for comfort, but that is all she wants. Make yourself unavailable to her, and get on with your life. There are plenty of women who are willing to have a happy mutually fulfilling relationship with you.

Tmann;

I'm wondering if your waiting for someone to post and tell you there is hope for you and your ex. I understand this is a difficult thing for you to go through but you have to make a decision (for your own well-being) not to contacxt her and move on with your life. Wipe the slate clean so to speak. Have a fresh start. After all, happy endings can happen. It's up to you to make that possible!!