So here's the problem. My boyfriend & I have been together for over a yr now & recently moved intogther. I have 7 yr old twins (boy/girl) & he has a 9 1/2 yr old daughter (is his youngest of 4 kids). The 9 yr old lives with her mom & refuses to sleep in her own bed, so mom allows her to sleep with her too because she likes the comfort. My boyfriend & his ex have lived apart for about 2 1/2 yrs now. Whenever my kids & I went to his place to visit or now that we live together, his daughter comes here to visit, she will not sleep alone. She always has to sleep with my 7 yr old daughter. Now, when my boyfriend is out of town, my daughter wants to always sleep with me & I'm trying to break her of this habit. Or when my daughter goes to her dad's, she always wants to sleep with him! It's very frusterating for me. So now tonight, we were in a hotel for the Holiday weekend visiting my bf's family & his daughter stayed with us. The 1st night had to put the 2 girls together while my son slept on floor. The 2nd night, my boyfriend is lying in bed with me & his daughter asked him if he would sleep with her because my daughter "kicked" her too much the night before (yet it never bothers her when they have to share a full or her twin size bed)! So my boyfriend jumps right over & says "yeah baby, I'll sleep with you tonight." So then tells my daughter, "hey, guess what you get to do tonight? You get to sleep with your Mom!"

Don't get me wrong, I believe it's okay every now & then if they are scared or something to go to their room to lay with them until they fall asleep. I have told him repeatedly that his daughter needs to learn to sleep in her own bed, she's almost 10 yrs old & it's ridiculous that she won't EVER sleep alone & it's mostly her mother to blame. He always agreed. But tonight, I was actually offended I guess that he chose to go sleep with her & reninforce the whole "sleeping attachement" she has. When he asked if I was upset, I told him how I see it & he got mad & said, "well what if I wanted to sleep with her & cuddle her, I hardly ever get to see her anymore?" Then all pissy he rolled over to wrap his arms around her. His daughter can do NO wrong in his eyes!

I'm trying to figure out if she's jealous of me, if she's doing the whole emotional blackmail on her dad because she knows he misses her so much, & her mother (I believe) is put out because he moved 200 miles away & no longer has him at her every beckon call? He also has a lot of regrets when it comes to his older children, so he's trying to make up for it with this one & he's admitted that he is & carries a lot of guilt. I don't know if I'm out of line, or are my concerns legitimate? (I also have a 19 yr old son, so I know very well that 9 yr olds are perfectly capable of manipulating their parents).

She is too old to be sleeping with either parent or step parent except on rare occasions of nightmares, storms, etc. This whole discussion is between you and him, however, before you get into a 3 way disagreement in front of her.

It's good that you try to break your daughter of the habit. Of course the problem is now a family one that shouldn't be different for your child and his.

After outlining to him all the psychological and social reasons for having children learn that sleep is for sleeping alone or with a sibling of the same gender (ask if you need help saying it), you might want to warn him that this can be used as ammunition by a spiteful ex, or used to fuel flames of suspicion by teachers, neighbors, parents of school friends, etc, who find out somehow and get the wrong idea. Do it calmly at a time when emotions are not running wild.

I offer a different point of view.
As long as everyone in the home is OK with it (mom, step dad, daughter) and everyone is comfratable with it. Thre is nothing wrong with it. In fact, america is the ONLY place that puts a taboo on it. Family beds are common all over the world, and not just in third world countries, where there is only one bed to begin with.

If the girl is not ready for her own bed yet, why cause undue stress and anxiety to force her away from where she is comfortable and getting good sleep?

(no disrespect intended joy! Just a difference of opinions)