Hey everybody, I'm usually not the type to seek help for anything like this, but I'm in a tough spot and although I feel I might know what I need to do, I would really appreciate some input from non-biased parties.

So some background info, my girlfriend and I started dating our Senior Year in High School, and had just about the greatest honeymoon period anyone could ask for. We fell in love, and despite the knowledge that we probably wouldn't be in the same city the following year, decided we cared enough about each other to work through whatever problems we would have, knowing that in the long run we'll be together again.

She ended up going to a school about 2 hours away from where I live, while I stayed in the same city to work and go to a CC before transferring out. The first year was a bit rough, we were able to see each other about once every two weeks or so, yet when we did see each other we both agreed it was the best time either of us had ever had before. We maintained constant communication, talked and texted a lot, and were completely honest about everything with each other, from any insecurities, to stories about being hit on by others, to plans we both had about our future together. We were so confident with what we had that we never argued about anything, short of a few tiny fits that always ended within the hour anyway.

Then Summer came and I was out of the country for a month and a half, and things got a little tense with her wondering how we could put up with the constant distance, but when I returned, everything was perfect again, and we spent every day of the rest of the Summer together doing things and hanging out.

Then this school year starts, and she has new roommates that I didn't personally approve of from the start [mainly because my girlfriend was a strongly independent person who always focuses on school and us over partying and the like, whereas her roommates were mostly partiers who liked to go out and get hammered, while my girlfriend had never drank before] Although she knew of how I felt about them, I never made it an issue really, and she reassured me that she would still be the same person and that they could "never make me [my gf] do anything I don't want to do", to which I replied "No they can't, but they can change what it is you think you want to do".

Shortly after starting school again, she goes out to a few parties and tells me that her roommates are "trying to break her out of her shell", which I completely understand, and I support, save for the fact that my greatest fear was that she would end up like they are.

We got into an argument about that, but eventually made up when I agreed I just had to trust her and realize that she's still the same person I love, just doing new things.

She's a part of her school's Mock Trial team, and when that started up, she began hanging out with them A LOT. Around this same time, I start to feel her growing more distant, she doesn't call as much as she used to, texting her was more like talking to myself, and it was usually me initiating conversations. Then, the night before our break up, she got actually drank [not a tiny bit, but not a lot as she described it], and said it's something she'll be doing again occasionally. Personally, I have always been extremely against the idea of her drinking, and she knew this very clearly, but I found myself willing to swallow my pride and try to adapt as long as she did it in moderation, as much as it hurt me to see her doing it.

After about a month and half of this, I confront her and tell her "You don't really want to be in a relationship, do you?" She broke down and told me how she's been overwhelmed with school, work and Mock Trial, that she started to realize how much she had been neglecting me, and how bad she feels about the way she's been treating me. She then told me that she can't handle a relationship right now, and that she needs a chance to grown and experience new things on her own in order to find out who she really is because she's having a hard time changing without me there to change along with her, leaving her to "fill me in" whenever she finds the time. I told her I understand, and that I felt this was all coming, and that no matter what happens or what changes she makes, I will love her. She told me she still has feelings for me, and that if we had lived in the same town we probably wouldn't be going through this.

Among the things that were said in the break up conversation, we both said we still have feelings for each other, and that we'll still always be here if the other ever needs us and we would still be extremely close [it was a serious, 2 year relationship for crying out loud]. But that she needs space and time to grow, and that if we can work out, we will, but if not then "we had one hell of a run".

And now my question- It's only been three days, and I understand that I should have given her more space to begin with as far as her new life with her new friends, despite the fact that I know her well enough to know that she's going to regret some of these changes she's been making [it's already established that her new group of friends aren't even going to live in the same country next year, while she'll be stuck there without them] and chances are, they'll grow as well and move on without her.

Our 2 year anniversary is exactly one week after our break-up, and her 20th birthday is one-month after, and I'll be leaving the country for a month about a week after her birthday. She left the question of the future of our relationship pretty open, and since the break-up wasn't even in person, I kind of want the closure that comes with knowing exactly where we stand. She'll be in town two-weeks after our break up, and I was wondering if it would be a bad idea to go and see her [she lives 2 streets away], and talk to her about where exactly we stand, or if I should maintain NC?

When her birthday rolls around, I had already bought her a gift from before the break-up, do I say anything on her birthday? Do I say anything on what would have been our anniversary? [I think no to the second, but kind of feel the need to wish send her a "Happy Birthday" text] Do I just stow away the gift? I currently plan on maintaining No Contact up until either the day she's in town, or her birthday, but I would really, really appreciate some input from everyone else here.

Sorry, I didn't realize how long my post was :(
Seeing as to how the time-frame for action [or inaction] is pretty near, it would mean so much to me to hear anything anyone has to say about this.

I should also add that we are both bloggers, and we follow each others' blogs, even post-breakup. We both obviously wrote some vague posts about the state of things, but aside from that I've continued to post everything I usually do [political rants, mostly]. Although yesterday, I went on a trip with family to a place she and I had always hoped to visit together, and posted photos and a story about the fun I had there, and she favored it, which I kind of feel broke the whole "no contact" rule and what not, but also feel I'm reading too much into that tiny action. She did say she hopes we can still talk, but if we do I'm making sure she's the first to start the conversation, except in the cases that I mentioned in my initial post.

Is time to get rid of the false hope and accept what has happened. She did not leave the future of the relationship pretty "open", she completely closed it by deciding that this relationship is over and that you two should break up. Go no contact, either return or trash the gift, accept that this was a beautiful experience and that it is now over, and start healing from this. It is going to hurt, especially because you seem to value the relationship A LOT. You will get over this eventually, even if you don't think so, keep yourself busy, and you will be back to normal before you know it.

Its only been 3 days? When is her birthday?

You can drag this out and send yourself through a lot of emotional pain for a long time, or you can make this a clean break and accept you need time to mourn, heal, and adjust.

You can hold on and hope, or let go and accept. The letting go is the hardest, but the best way to heal, through rebuilding a life without her.

Doesn't matter who initiates contact, the results will be the same, old feelings and memories get stirred up.

Her Birthday is exactly one month from today. I don't plan on giving her the gift or any of that, but seeing as to how we both kind of agreed to the break, I feel I should at the very least text her a basic "Happy Birthday".

We're on good terms, and have agreed we still have feelings for each other, and that it would be best to take a break and spend time apart to put things into perspective, and to be honest, I'm 99% sure that if she wasn't under so much stress with school and work and such, we would still be together.

I'm handling everything well, and although I would love to get back with her, I don't have high hopes, but that doesn't mean I want to abandon us completely. She just sent me a message on Facebook about an hour ago after she found out my uncle was in the hospital saying that's she's sorry about my uncle and hopes he's doing okay, to which I replied with a "Thank you, I appreciate it."

Although I am trying to move on, I do still have small hopes in the back of my mind that maybe this is just a phase that our relationship needs to go through. Not too long ago she had been talking about where we should move in our future and joking about what our kids would say when they heard our stories, only for it to come to this. I'm not so naïve as to think there's a big chance things will be okay, but I won't lie, I do think time and space might be a good thing for us.

Of course you still have some hope of getting back together. Its only been 3 days. Natural, and normal. As time goes by you will get about doing your thing, and exploring your world. That's what she is doing. Try to relax, and see how you feel when her birthday arrives, and then act accordingly.

You seem to have a level head, so do what you have to to make your life happy and hope for the best, but plan for the worst.

Thank you for the advice, talaniman, I really appreciate it.
We are both level-headed people, and she just happened to succumb to extreme stress, which I completely understand.

Now I also wanted to know, I kind of feel the need for actually "see" her after breaking up, and I'll get the chance in about a week and a half when she comes home. I want to maintain NC here for us to both get the time we need, so is it more of an unwise post-breakup idea that I have to ask to see her when she comes back to try and settle things? I was thinking of sending her a "can we talk, in person" text a few days after she gets back, and laying out how I feel that we both need this break, and it really will help us see if there's anything left to salvage or if it's time for us to go our own ways- kind of talk, and then going back to NC after that.

What is your opinion on this?
I should also note that due to another long story, I know she's been checking up on my blog and Facebook a lot since the break-up.

I am already accepting the worst, that it is over and there's nothing I can do about that, but if a chance happens to come along and we are both willing, I wouldn't throw it away.

I understand, but better to give her all the time, and space she needs to decide for herself what she really wants without your influence. Not take any opportunity to make your case.

I think you give her what she asked for, and stay patient, cool, calm, and collected, and not give in to impulses based in fear, or desperation.

She will know what she wants better without you telling her what YOU want.

"She then told me that she can't handle a relationship right now"

Take that & run. Disappear. Let her have that.

Here's something about NC:
Its not to play dead, hoping that she comes back.

Its for you to build some strength & character. Not rely on some chick that doesn't want you.

Sorry.

She messaged me today asking if she could pick up some of her old books, and I agreed and she stopped by. It was the first time we had seen each other in a month, and the first time of "actual" talk since the break up.

I invited her in, and after an awkward moment, she got really teary eyes and asked in a shaky voice "can I hug you?" We hugged tightly like that for a while, her eyes still teary, and she told me she missed me.

I have realized that before, I was stupid in wanting her to act certain ways, and that I am willing to accept her for who she is becoming [I didn't say any of this, for the record]

I gave her the books, but then invited her to sit and chat for a little while.
We sat next to each other on the couch and talked for a good 40 minutes, about school, about work, about things we've been doing. I know we both wanted to talk about us, but we didn't really get onto the subject, aside from her telling me she misses me and occasionally accidentally falling back to old habits and reaching for my hand/sweater and such [not outright grabbing them, but kind of like we used to]

She reached for my hands after we hugged, then pulled back and apologized sheepishly, blaming "habit".

I would love to have her back, but I don't want to rush anything. She mentioned during out conversation that her computer has been acting up and she wanted someone to take a look at it, knowing that I'm a computer whiz and could probably fix it. I didn't take note during the conversation, but feel that we should talk again, this time more about us.

She had to leave to make an appointment [a real one, not a fake one ;p], but said that she hopes we can still talk.

I know people go on and on about NC here, and I understand how it is supposed to help me, but I believe that we need this talk for us to both set things on the table, and take it from there.

My plan is to call her tonight and offer to take a quick look at the computer [I know for a fact I can fix it, but yeah], and how it would probably be a good idea to get what we're feeling out on the table.

I know some here are probably going to be against it, but I don't believe in any "end-all save-all" solutions [flat out going NC to get over her and move on, manipulating her, etc], and everything we've ever done has been through communication. Hopefully, this session of ours [which will probably be tonight, since we're both going to be out of town for the weekend] will provide some closure.

I will keep people here updated in case anyone finds themselves in the same situation, and I'm still open to whatever input/criticisms any of you may have to my idea to speak to her.

I am in absolute love with this girl, and I honestly believe she loves me back, and that this is one of those points where we both need to step back and look at the bigger picture forming around the two of us.
If this talk doesn't go well, then NC for me and I will learn to accept the loss, but if things look hopeful, then I guess we'll see.

I think you are prolonging the agony with this girl.

Whether you both communicate or not, she's already told you. She's done.

If I were you, I would leave her alone. Don't make BS dates to fix her computer.

That's lame.

You talk a lot about NC, but don't seem to have the nuts to actually do it.

I figure I should keep this updated with what happens just to help out anyone in remotely the same situation, but here's what's been happening:
We eventually talked, during which she confessed that she was still "very much in love" with me, and has high hopes that we'll end up together again, but for right now she still feels like she made the right choice. I didn't push her or anything, but I admit to her that I felt the same way. I told her it wasn't okay for her to be messaging me all the time like she used to when we were together if she doesn't want to be together, to which she agreed and told me she's just not used to the idea that I'm no longer there to fill that whole in her life.

She had also agreed to go on a date with this guy barely a week and a half after we broke up [this guy has been into her for a while, btw], which I will admit I asked about, to which she told me "There is no excuse for what I did, and I am so sorry for it. I don't know why I agreed, I do like him, but I don't think nor hope that anything would ever become of it. When I'm with you, I feel whole, like you're my missing piece and you're this perfect, built up person who knows where he stands in life, and I begin to feel the same way. But when I'm with him, it's like being with pieces of a person who could never really make the same presence as you do"


We still agreed that despite that little talk, we should have an in person talk when she returns home in two weeks.

Well, just two freaking days after she confessed her "love" for me, she goes to this party, gets really drunk [which she has never done, btw], and calls that same guy to pick her up.
He drops her off at her dorm, and ends up staying the night with her. The kicker? Even though it was probably a "drunk" idea for her to ask him to stay, she has invited him over to do it again, to which he eagerly accepted.

When I found out about this, I lost all hope and faith in her, and to be honest, became really angry. I have decided absolutely NC. She knows that I found out about all of this, yet the morning after [today] she texts me telling me that "there's something in my computer oh my god" which I'm assuming she meant a hacker/spyware controlling it or something [She knows that I'm capable of fixing such a thing]. Needless to say, I didn't reply to her.

My current situation is-
I am going to wait and see if she at least has the decency to follow through with that in=person talk she had spoken of, and only if she comes to me asking for it would I accept. Other than that, although I still do love her deep down, I will not let her play me like this, and don't plan on initiating any form of contact with her any time soon. Her birthday is in a week, and I've thrown away the card I had planned on sending her.

"high hopes that we'll end up together again"
That sounds like just what you want to hear.

"but for right now".
Always an excuse.
Here the honesty:

"she still feels like she made the right choice"

Now you know.

Who wants you & who doesn't.

Right? She can only let you down so easy.

Now its on you to walk away.

Forget the in person future talk. What purpose could it serve but to confuse you by stirring up old feelings? Accept the end, and let it be your closure.

Its nothing but misery to wait for her to make a move later. That false hope and desperate. Be real the only reason you would wait is hoping she sees the light, and changes her mind.