Hi
Well my girlfriend of 8 months left me a few weeks before her 21st birthday. It was very long distance, she is Spanish and I am British. I won't tell you too much, but basically she suddenly started to do badly in university and had to redo parts of the year, her parents gave her a hard time, she got really stressed and told me she didn't want a serious relationship but she promised me she really loved me and I was all she wanted.

So we tried for a few weeks to see how things went but she was too stressed, and when it ended she just said at the moment we can only be friends at least until she was less overwhelmed and that I wouldn't lose her. She said her feelings changed, that she can't love me now and that I have to move on, she needs to concentrate on other things. She said she doesn't want me to have any hope, so won't answer any questions on a future, but she has said maybe in the future, in a year or two we could be together.

She is a social worker so she knows how to deal with these things and part of me thinks she is really just trying to protect my feelings by saying there is no hope, but she seems reluctant to close the door. She said she doesn't want a serious relationship with anyone right now and promised me there was no one else. When we talk she is cold and distant and she says it's because she is uncomfortable as she doesn't want me to think things will go back to how they were.

I may have the opportunity to spend a year studying very close to where she is, in a years time. She knows this. She told me I am the boy she wants to marry, but it's too soon for that, and too soon for anything with anyone. She said she still likes me, and she has kept the things I gave her, the teddy is still on her bed. And the bracelet I gave her she said she will wear on special occasions. She doesn't contact me first at the moment, but we have spoken a bit since the breakup, one night for almost 2 hours and she was telling me how she won't change and she can't do this now so I must move on, she doesn't want me to hope as it will just hurt me.

I know that she will probably have non-serious things with people between now and the time when we could have a chance, and that my best option is to do as she says and move on, hope for nothing and if it happens its destiny. But its very difficult, so does anyone have any advice?

Do you think that it could happen in the future? Or is she just not that into me?
Thanks for your time. Its been more than a month since the breakup so I feel much better but I still have bad days where a song makes me think of her or whatever. I'm giving her as much space as I can, and only speak when I see her online and willing to talk.

Anything else I should do?

My suggestion is strict NO CONTACT, and change the songs you are listening to. Leave her ALONE completely, off line, on line, and that's the bottom line.

Sorry for your loss, and it will get better, EVENTUALLY.

Sorry, this one's over.

"She said she doesn't want me to have any hope"

Now you have all the distance you need. Whew!! LD's suck.

Hope that you understood her message.

"is she just not that into me?

No. Not into you. Or carrying on.

Join the club.

I know its over now, believe me I do
But I was wondering if anyone thinks I could win her back, or how I could?
I know that I have to move on and if I did want her again I have to be patient.
She said she is afraid of a relationship, she has been cheated on before (on her birthday) which she left me shortly before. So I just wondered if the stress of that and the other things could have made her change and maybe there would be a hope once things settle down she oculd return to the girl I love.

Oh, and extra information, apparently she isn't talking to her friends or her parents and she has a family history of mental illness, mainly depression and bipolar disorder. She says she has more problems in her life than I can understand, that she can't talk to anyone about these problems and when I offer to help she is extremely defensive and says that I need to know everything about her and I shouldn't. She says that the stress is too much and she can't take anything anymore and that each day is a struggle. Before all this she started to do badly in her university, and she is really scared she will fail as her parents would kill her.
In a rare moment of relative warmth she told me she has always trusted me and still does, and she doesn't want me to think she doesn't. As she is being cold with everyone and pushing everyone away, not just me.
Does this change things?

"i know its over now, believe me i do
But i was wondering if anyone thinks i could win her back, or how i could?"

Those two statements contradict themselves, if you understand that it is over, then you understand that there is no "getting her back".

I have heard that phrase and it means this relationship is over, is not a "maybe" is a "definitely". Move on, keep yourself busy, and start healing from this, this girl is done and even if she still has feelings for you she is moving on. Thank her for the experiences, and start to move on.

Her flaws, and issues, and actions are insurmountable obstacles unless she gets the right help for herself, and wants to change.

This isn't about YOU, or your feelings, but HER, and how she deals with HERSELF, and her issues, flaws, and actions. Things you cannot control.

The short answer is NO!!

No those statements do not contradict themselves.
It is over now is what I said, NOW, not in the future, its just over for now. I know that.
You would have to be naïve to ignore the possibility that the stress in her life has caused her to change how she feels. There are some things love can't overcome and no disney fueled idea of true love overcoming all obstacles is true, you should know that.
I know that at the moment, she has lots of problems and that these problems are destroying all areas of her life. Imagine if she did love me again one day, what kind of a person would I be if I just walk out on her at a time like this? The fact is, everyone is going to hurt us, we just have to find the people worth suffering for.
The problem here, is that I trust the girl I love more than I trust any opinions I find on the internet! I know that common sense says its over and is should move on. But I feel she needs help, she needs me to be there for her when this is all over.

"there is no such thing as over, we can never say never" these were the exact words of my ex and I think it is what you should think about, it is possible to make anyone love you again, people who hated each other can fall in love if the situation is right, old enemies can become friends.

I am not depressed about losing her, I spent weeks as a wreck but I am over that now. So I don't need the emotional help gained from "being over her" if she was happy with someone else, great! I would be delighted for her, all I want is for her to be happy even if I'm not part of it.

But she clearly isn't happy, she is very very upset about things and she isn't getting help.
I know I am only her ex now, but I am not walking out on her, never, even if we are only ever friends I will never walk out on her.

Her friend contactd me and told me that she is very sorry for the way she is acting as she is being cold with everyone, not talking, not eating, hiding in her room etc. they want her to go to a therapist as it does seem similar to the bipolar disorder and depression that has plagued her family.

I refuse to abandon her. I just wonder if anyone has any experience of these situations to know how I should act, if not as a future lover but just as a friend. I guess I will only completely surrender my dreams of a relationship with her when I can see the normal her again, a happy version of her, and if that version still doesn't want me then fine, I accept

What if it takes years for her to overcome her problems? Look guy, I can feel your helplessness. I truly can, but I doubt if waiting around hoping gets either of you to a healthy place. This is the time to get yourself healthy in mind, soul, and emotions, or you will be of no help to anyone, no matter how bad you want to help. That's my advice, that's what you should be doing while you are hoping.

This may take years for you both, so best get busy.

Thanks for the advice, that advice is actually useful.
I am trying to do that, to put my dreams at the back of my mind and try to invest the time and energy I was putting into trying to help her on myself instead.
I can't change that I love her, I really can't.
I know it seems like I could be wasting my life to wait for her to sort her problems out, but some people are like this, they wait for someone special. If I met someone else, who I thought was special too, I would consider being with them. But for now I haven't, I have only ever met one person who I feel this way for. So I will do what I an for her, but do it as a friend, and whatever happens is destiny.