I've been lurking on here for a few years, but now I need to ask/unload myself. I've never been in a situation like this, and need to ask advice but can't turn to any of my friends because of the nature of the problem.

I just need to know if it's possible to love two people at once?

I'm happily married - Have been for 5 years, and have been with my husband for 9 years. He's my best friend, we never really argue, we just co-exist happily in our own little way.

But, (always a but), back in September I was away at a work party when I met a man. It was literally a case of there being nowhere to sit except the seat next to him, so I sat down, and we didn't leave each other's side all night. We just had everything in common. We exchanged numbers because we work in the same industry and he wanted to organise some work together in the future.

He was invited to my work party by my boss and, again, we found ourselves sitting next to each other, and just dominating each other's attention all night. It was this evening that he text messaged me after I'd gone to bed and told me I was the most amazing person he'd ever met. I was flattered but didn't think anything of it - I thought he was a great guy, but we're both married (he has an 11 year old son), and I didn't feel 'attracted' to him in that way.

The next day he offered to drive me home as he lives about an hour down the road from me, and I have no idea what happened, but in the cold light of (sober) day, I realised I was starting to develop feelings for him. It was then I decided I would be wary around him in future.

A couple of weeks after that, he was in the area with work and asked if I'd like to meet him for a coffee - I was interested to see whether the feelings I had on the journey home would be the same or if they had passed, so I agreed. Again, they came flooding back and we spent three hours just talking to each other. It was as we said bye that I realised I wanted to kiss him, and that my feelings were getting out of control.

I knew that there was an event we both needed to be at this past weekend, so I convinced myself I'd give it one more meeting, get this very important event out of the way, and then tell him I couldn't see him anymore.

We travelled together to the event, and all the way there he was trying to analyse his feelings for me - He's very honest, he's 41 and has only ever slept with his wife. He admits he's not in love with her anymore, but cares for her deeply and never imagined he would be considering leaving her. I was honest in return, I love my husband but I have these feelings I don't understand for him.

Of course, things get out of hand and we end up spending the night together. We don't have sex, but we are intimate and sleep in each others arms - and it feels so right. On the journey home, he says he's never felt like this about anyone before, not even when he met his wife - he thinks he's falling in love with me, and he wants us to be together.

I just don't know what to do. He treats me in a way my husband has never treated me - He tells me he just wants to look after me for the rest of my life. He tells me how beautiful I am and how he wants to just be near me. I know it's only flattering words, but the look in his eyes shows he believes it.

I do have feelings for him - I find him remarkably attractive (at the event at the weekend, I couldn't take my eyes off him) and we have so much in common it's strange - but I'm married. I made a vow, and a promise, and I don't want to break that - especially by hurting someone I love so much. But I feel intoxicated and I can't look at my husband in the same way.

I always thought if I had feelings like this for anybody else, my marriage would be over. I'm confused about how I can feel like this about two people at the same time.

Does anybody have ANY advice for me? I know I've done some terrible things, and perhaps if I'd had a sordid one night stand I'd be able to try and forget about it and move on, but it's the fact that I'm emotionally cheating that is killing me. I can't help how I feel, even if I can keep telling him we're not going to go all the way, I still can't stop myself wanting to be near him, to smell him, to be in his arms...

Help?

I think it's a very bad idea to begin a relationship before you end the relationship you are in. I do have issue with "of course" you ended up sharing a room. I work in a very heavily male-dominated profession. I travel with and meet men all the time. There is no "of course" involved. It doesn't happen.

He wants you to be together. What does that mean? He's going to leave the wife (and child) he no longer loves? Or are you going to be together when he can get away for a night?

As far as if you had a torrid, one night stand, you wouldn't feel this way - you were intimate with this guy! Intercourse isn't the only "cheating" venue. Torrid is in the eyes on the beholder. I guarantee 100% that your husband and his wife both think you had a torrid one night stand, with or without intercourse. My husband tells me about sleeping in some other woman's arms... he's got a big problem on his hands.

I'm a realist - EVERY married man who cheats never felt like this before, wants to do nothing but be near your intoxicating beauty, doesn't love his wife (and usually no longer has sex with her, news which is always a shock to her when the affair comes to light because she recalls that they were having sex on a regular basis).

New relationships are ALWAYS intoxicating and exciting and easy to fall into. It's living with someone, sharing the highs and low, raising children together that holds a couple together. However, if for whatever reason that isn't enough for you, you owe your husband a duty to be honest with him.

I appreciate that you are torn and confused but would I get involved with a man who has no problem cheating on his wife? No, because he would have no problem cheating on me.

He went home and covered his trail at least in some part by lying to his wife - and you think everything he tells you is true?

And do you know what I do for a living? I'm an investigator. Among other things I work matrimonial (and sometimes prenuptual) surveillances. If he's done this before and his wife is on to him there'll be some really great photos for someone to hand to YOUR husband.

You're an investigator? You know what I am? I'm a good human being who has found herself in a situation she doesn't know how to cope with and is trying to get through without making the biggest mistake of her life or hurting terribly people she really cares about. This isn't black and white and you can't get on your high horse and tell me he's a bad person. I wanted advice on how to handle the situation, not a lecture on how all cheaters are the same.

Yes, I'm an investigator. I've heard your "good human being who found herself in a situation" a thousand times. You didn't find yourself in a situation. You created the situation.

I have no high horse. I only know what I've seen in my career - and life, for that matter. I've never, ever been in your shoes, and I never will be. I never played with fire for the exact reasons you've posted. Somebody gets hurt - maybe it's you, maybe it's your "partner," maybe it's both of your spouses. Maybe it's the children who get sucked into the fray.

You wanted advice on whether to continue your affair with a married man. You see sexual intercourse as a prerequisite to a physical affair. I say having "intimate relations" meets the "affair" requirements.

I suggested that it's a very bad idea on several levels. You say he's a good person who just happens to spend the night in intimate situations with women other than his wife. For that matter you are a "good person" who does the same. I don't think this is the behavior of a good person. But I do agree - I don't know him intimately. You do.

And it is black and white - you are married. He is married. Where's the beige in that one?

You didn't answer my question - he wants you to be together. What does that mean? He's telling his wife about your relationship and filing for divorce OR he's going to see you when he can sneak out of the house?

You need someone to explain the difference between love and infatuation. Maybe this man is worth tearing two families apart. Maybe he's not. You seem to believe he is. It is, of course, your decision.

You asked for opinions - you got mine. I'm sure you're a lovely person in person. You don't come across so well on the printed page - at least in my eyes. Re-read what you posted in six months.

This is a total mistake. Has this man told you he is going to leave his wife or does he just want to have an affair with you?
I'd say you are going through a 5 year itch in your marriage and you are playing with fire.
This married man knows what he's doing and he's dong it to his wife and son. Leave him alone.
Go talk to a counselor if you want about your flirtation with ruining your marriage or get with your husband and try to rekindle things.
The advice JudyKayTee gave was good. I thought the same thing as I was reading this. Don't get suckered into doing something you'll regret. If you are unhappy in your marriage, get out of it, but don't throw it away because some man turned your head. What you both are doing is way wrong.

You wouldn't develop feelings for this man if your marriage wasn't missing something. Now, what is it missing?

I strongly encourage you to find and go to a counselor to talk this out. Meanwhile, stay away from/totally avoid/don't talk with this other man you think you love.

I agree with Wondergirl. Hills and valleys. Relationships are full of them and it's how you handle the valleys that is important. Find someone that can help you. I found out my wife had a 22 month affair this past January. Started when our twins were only two years old. I can tell you that I wish she had just left the relationship (ours) or been honest with me that she wasn't felling right. Or even that this other guy was flirting with her. I would have been able to do something. I was given no choice and I am still devistated. I lost 30 pounds (I was not overweight), depressed and had to take 4 months off work. Just don't do it or at least do it the right way. Either give your husband a chance and both of you work to get that feeling back. It can happen but it takes work. It's easy to fall into the same patterns of everyday life. See someone who can help you. We've been through it more than once and it does really help. Two last things... If you plan to stay with your husband and commit to the relationship again, don't tell him about this. The pain it will cause now and the reminents that will remain in the future are not worth it - as long as you end it now and turn things around.

Hi Again. It looks like they removed a link I had posted. Just search on "10 reasons not to have an affair" and you'll find some good one's. Also, let me know if you want to contact my wife to ask her how she now feels about how stupid and destructive it was. It has affected every aspect of our lives. She is not going back to her more than well paying jobs, she has lost friends, lost her freedom, lost my trust in her, she can hardly live with herself, almost lost her family and everything else. It's not worth the pain and destruction. Work on your marriage and if it doesn't work, end it then go with the other.

I am sorry, no you had and made choices and you wanted to sleep with and be with this other man, And of course he tells you he does not love his wife, that makes it easier for you to justify. Why is he not divorced, I am sure he has a dozen excuses.

Either leave your husband to be with this man or stop any contact, you did not have contact before, so someone is working it to arrange the contact now