OK, my usual long question!

We had a dear sweet elderly widow neighbor as a friend for several years. Entire time, her granddaughter did not like us for some unknown reason, to guess grandma and we think she was jealous of close relationship we had. But granddaughter who is my own age regularly voiced to others in community she thought we were friends with grandma only to plot to steal her money. She'd warn her grandma of this as well, which grandma shared with me but laughed off as her crazy granddaughter whom she's had to tolerate other abuse from through the years--grandaughter comes in her house when she's not home and moved photos around, has even taken our kids' homemade Christmas cards down that grandma has on her display, and she has sighed about grandaughter's son tortures grandma's little dog so it won't come near him--not a bad kid, just a kid who's too rough on a geriatric dog. It was a friend unloading her troubles to another friend. I was just as likely to tell her about my neighbor whose dog ate our chickens or my sister blaming me for my father's death or we'd share our bemoaning the crazy neighbor we both had who complained vehemently about everyone's dogs barking. For the most part, I've never exchanged more than a few cordial greetings with granddaughter and we do not interact socially in same circles at all.

My children are all 10 and under and see elderly friend as their substitute grandma, as she is age my mom would be--all real grandparents are passed away.

Grandma is of average means, as are we, we've treated her to lunch on her b-day or she may gift a small item--something she might herself have gotten free from a magazine subscription or some such or maybe slip $1 into a card for the kids or buy them an icecream cone. But otherwise the friendship was an equal share. If we went to a show, we both bought our own tickets. If we do lunch, we split the check on what we ate. If we drove her to an outing, she'd offer to pay for gas but we always refused. Typical friendship deal, I'd say. My kids would shovel her snow, we'd babysit her pets, she'd on occasion babysit my kids. No exchange of $. She invited us to a couple of family holiday dinners at her house and us vice versa.

Granddaughter lives a few blocks from grandma, has 2 kids one about our kids'age, another quite a bit older.

We moved away a few years ago and thereafter we still continued friendship with us driving half hour to go see her fairly regularly to keep her from being lonely, still came to shovel her out or help her weed, just chat or invited her to our place but would pick her up to bring her and take her back as she didn't like driving the distance herself. She has other friends who live out of state who come and visit from time to time. She has a handful of other neighbors--mostly other widows--she visits with as well.

Now about 6 months ago the granddaughter apparently decided she wanted rid of us. I would peg this as being after we'd been seen out with grandma at an event for grandparents and she came as 'substitute' grandma for my kids. This was not an event to which the real granddaughter was invited, it was a group to which we belong but she does not, so it wasn't like grandma chose us over her. It was entirely none of her business. But a mutual friend saw us there and reported it to granddaughter who was upset then with grandma.

While I was at grandma's house with my kids after work one day the phone rang, it was granddaughter and when grandma said we were there, she asked to speak to me, which was unusual. She then told me she didn't like what I'd done. I said, "ok, you don't like it." She repeated herself. "I said, ok, I get it, you don't like it." I had no intention of engaging her in conversation over something that was none of her business. She then called me a bunch of expletives. I responded 'that's mature.' She responded 'whatever!' and told me to give phone back to grandma.

Next day, grandma called me to say she'd stood up to granddaughter and told her never to call one of her friends expletives again.

But within several days grandma telephoned and tearfully told us she loved us but she felt she had to sever our friendship because her granddaughter would not leave her alone. The stress was killing her. I certainly felt bad for her, but couldn't believe this turn of events. I honestly could not bring myself to tell my kids, so I asked her to get on the phone with them herself to tell them that. I honestly thought she wouldn't be able to do that and it might change her mind to break their hearts. But she did. My kids cried and cried and cried.

But we respected Grandma's decision and didn't want to cause her more stress. We stopped visiting and calling. I did write grandma a letter telling her if she ever needed us to contact us, that we considered her a friend for life but we would respect her position. A few times since Grandma has left message on our machine saying she misses us, and kids would get hopes up of seeing her again like always but I didn't respond as by now I had heard all sorts of rumors of granddaughter being at grandma's all the time to watch for us. I didn't want to drop by or even call, not knowing when or if granddaughter would know and torture grandma again. Granddaughter never once contacted us.

Now 6 months later we learn granddaughter has posted her dislike of us on her 'social media page' and friends of hers suggest all sorts of violence. But other than keep track of it, we have never contacted, responded.

We just went trick-or-treating in neighborhood where we used to live near grandma, as we have every year, as where we live now is few houses. At block with grandma's house, I gave them choice of whether they wanted to go or not--in costume no one would know who it was and I stayed in dark on sidewalk. My daughter refused to go. My son said 'Well, I'm going!" and marched right up tot he hosue.

As we watched, it was granddaughter who answered grandma's door and gave him candy. He quickly ran back to us and reported he never even saw grandma or her little dog inside. I knew then that he had gone with hopes of seeing his friend. He had wanted to give her a hug. He was disapppointed.

Later we found out that with snow coming my son wants to go shovel grandma's driveway and we had to explain he can't. He started crying so long and loud, it broke my heart, then just as quickly he turned to deep anger. He said he hates the granddaughter and wants to kill her. He's just a little boy, so hurt by all this. I have tried to explain--just as every religion or philosophy on earth tries to explain--why evil exists it the world, and he doesn't 'get' it anymore than the rest of us do....Further, he has never had a voice in all this. He's powerless and I recognize what a torture that is to a child. If I could have, I'd have protected him. But even if grandma hadn't had to tell him, I'd have had to at some point. He kept thinking some way some how this would blow over and he'd get his dear grandma back.(frankly as did I, but I suppose I knew that was always impossible and certainly never voiced to him that I ever thought she'd be our friend again) It's worse than if she had died! And we know we've done nothing wrong to deserve this. I of course also hate the granddaughter and think what she's done is totally unconscionable. But it's not my family matter. It is grandma's.

What do I do? Get counseling for my son? Let him write a letter to grandma? Or grandaughter? Send it or not? Or distract him with whatever I can (what I've been doing, but he keeps the topic alive in his own mind regardless....) I have sought opportunities for other 'substitute' grandmas...like getting a new puppy when dog dies, but nothing on that horizon as of yet...

Many times due to my background, I am child-like in my social trust and responses. I don't feel much different from my kids and it's as hard to be "mom" here as it's ever ever ever been.

Thanks in advance for any replies.

I appreciate your thourough question. Very well done.

I keep coming around to, what would I do in a similar situation.

Considering all that has happened, it might be helpful to your son to be less encouraging of his continuing expression of anger and resentment toward the granddaughter, and instead put down a final chapter.

To keep this going without it likely to end up that this lovely Grandmother will choose you and your children, over her own granddaughter, isn't helpful, or likely.

I would encourage your son to sit down in a day or two (after he has had time to really think out his thoughts and through the anger), and write a letter to the Grandmother. Keeping in mind, and letting him know, that this will be the end of it.

Tell him that you respect his thoughts, and they are his own, and when he is finished his letter, the relationship with the grandmother is over. There won't be any further talking about it, or lamenting the past, or phoning and leaving a message for her, etc.

He is young, but not too young, that the hard lesson to be learned- and the grieving that goes along with it, is a necessary part of life, in order to move forward, and move on, with closure.

There might be tears, and sadness, as there is with any loss, but it is a fact of life that we all have to learn to cope with. Hanging on is not emotionally healthy.

I would destroy the letter myself, and not upset grandmother (or further cause a problem with the granddaughter).