I know this is a long one but its important to give the background...
I met a guy through an online dating website and we met a week later and got on very well. He lives a few hours from me so we would see each other every week or 10 days and he would stay with me for 2 or 3 days. After a few weeks I asked about going to his home, to save him from all the driving each time, and he just said he didn't mind travelling to me. He travels around the country a lot with his job.
When we were seeing each other about 6 weeks we agreed not to date anyone else and "give our relationship a go" and around the same time he told me that the reason he wasn't inviting me to his home was because he had only broken up with his girlfriend (in april)two months before we had met (in june) and that she was away with her work until November and her stuff was still in his house. I asked if they would get back together and he shook his head no and that was all he said/did. Things were going very well although I didn't know why they broke up only that he finished it with her. All this time he is telling me he really really likes me and is buying me little gifts, sending cards to my home etc.
End of September he treated me to two nights away in a hotel and it was really a lovely time. When we got back he didn't call me for 5 days although he texted every day. Before this we had spoken on the phone every night and texted several times a day since we met so I knew something was up. Eventually I texted him to call me and when he did he said that since coming back after being away he realised he was neglecting things at home and needed to focus on them. The call lasted an hour so a lot was said but I just said that I knew it was over when he hadn't rang me for so long and we agreed it was over. The next morning he texted that he regretted how the conversation had gone and didn't want to hurt me and that I deserved better but that he would like to meet up and talk if I was open to that. We met the next week (he booked himself into a hotel) and had a lovely chat and a long kiss at the end but I went home. He texted the next day to say he really enjoyed seeing me.
During a long I'm chat last Sunday (9 hours) and a one hour phone call afterwards he told me that his ex girlfriend had been in contact with him and that he couldn't commit to me until he resolved that when she comes back on November 18th. This is the real reason he had to stop seeing me. She wants to get back with him (they were together 7 years) and he thinks he should try to salvage it even though it may never be the same again. I told him I understood now what was going on and that I agreed he had to do that. He said he felt himself really falling for me over the 4 months we were together and that it wasn't fair on me. I understood that would be the end of it and would hear no more but problem is, he is texting me and I'm chatting with me every day since Sunday and today I received a little note from him in the post with a copy of a CD I liked. I am so confused about why he is still in contact, it is like we are still going out but just not seeing each other! The texts are the same as if we were in a relationship (not sex texts btw) just caring texts with xx at the end and calling me nice things etc.
I am not ready to move on or give up on what we might be able to have. We had great chemistry and some things in common and really felt a mutual connection but don't know why he is still in such regular contact given what he has said he wants with his ex girlfriend... Seven years is a lot longer than 4 months and I am afraid if I tell him to reduce the contact with me, he will just forget about me and get straight back with her when she comes home. He tells me he misses our cuddles and closeness and how lovely I am. I know he is struggling in his head but don't know what to do for the next 3 weeks. Will the texts just stop when she gets back? What should I do?

First off, you need to figure out what exactly you want?

If you have no feelings for him, then just back away completely and go meet new people.

IF you want to get back with him, then let him know, then back away until he sorts things out with his girlfriend.

It seems to be that he doesn't really know what he wants, but he does have some unfinished business with his ex that he needs to sort out.

Thank you IWish, I have very strong feelings for him and feel heartbroken at the thoughts of not seeing him again. I haven't seen him since we met last Tuesday. He told me in our long IM chat that he found out his girlfriend was texting guys with a view to meeting up and he found out and called a halt. She moved out 2 weeks before she had to leave for her seven months army duty. I don't know how long she has been back in contact with him, was it all along or only recently, who knows? I'm afraid that he wants to try to work it out with her as that is what he is eluding to, keeps saying 7 years is a long time etc... He knows how I feel, we both cried on the phone last Sunday. Its just really difficult when he keeps texting me and IM chatting every day :(

He obviously has a lot of unfinished business to take care of with her. So let him work it out. You can't keep following him around with all that baggage. Wait until he drops off all the baggage before thinking about possibilities with him again.

You cannot control his actions, but you can control yours. So I suggest that you be clear about you feeilngs to him, so that he's not confused about where you stand. After confirming your feelings for him, then back away because the ball would be on his side of the court.

While you back away, go do your own thing. Don't contact each other until he sorts out his problems. There's no reason for you to drag this out. You should be able to move on with your life to do your own thing. He will find you when he's ready. But don't put your life on hold for someone who may never come back to you.

So live on while waiting until your heart gives up. But also do other things with your life, continue to meet new people. Don't sit at home waiting for him to come around.

Thank you IWish, its just that I am not "following him around". He initiates all the texts or chats and I only respond, that's why I'm confused as we are broken up. Should I tell him that its confusing for me and ask that he break all contact with me as he needs to think about his ex? She will be back in three weeks time and if he is texting me all the time, he can't be trying to deal in his mind with the issues he has with her? I'm afraid to tell him no contact and then I may be out of his thoughts and he will definitely get back with her, am really confused and my heart hurts a lot!

As long as you are clear in your mind, it shouldn't affect you so much. And as long as you were clear with him about your intentions, then there shouldn't be any confusion.

This is how I see things play out. You tell him exactly how you feel. He understands and wants to continue to keep in touch with you. The most probable reason is because he still has feelings for you but he needs to sort things out with his ex first.

Unfortunately, it seems like you're the backup option, because if things don't work out with his ex, he can come crying to you. He won't be able to have full closure until she moves back anyway, so there isn't much either of you can do until then.

Once all intentions and feelings are out in the open. You have to decide what type of arrangement do you want with him. Do you want to cut off all communication and for him to only contact you when he let go of his ex and wants you back? What do you want from him?

Its affecting me terribly because it finished on the phone, then it finished again when we met a week later but he keeps coming back with texts etc. I know he has strong feelings for me but I think he wants to give the ex a chance because of the time they have already spent together. I can keep responding to the texts and chats, I look forward to them and really enjoy them. My gut tells me it will all suddenly stop on Nov 18th and my heart will be hurt again but I don't want to not be in contact with him in the meantime as I don't want him to forget about me. Ultimately I want him to see her and realise he actually doesn't want to give it a go with her again and doesn't feel the same about her and be with me. I have been single for 6 years and finally met a guy that I really clicked with, he treated me brilliantly, very romantic and thoughtful and appreciated those qualities in me also. He has said in chats that he would never ask me to "wait around for him" and that he doesn't deserve to ask that and that I deserve better but still the texts are calling me "pet" and "yummy" as they did before we split and always have xx at the end. I know I must be annoying you now by keeping coming back to you, I just want to do the best I can to make him "choose" me but I know he won't do that until he sees her, he hasn't seen her for 7 months.

If you really like him that much, then just keep getting to know each other better. Don't worry about each other's feelings right now. Just focus on your conversation at hand. Focus on getting to know each other better. Let's see how your feelings for each other develop while getting to know each other better.

The time will come when you can talk about your situation again, but now's not the time.

Thank you again. It is obviously just a waiting game but I don't have to let him know I'm "waiting" and will still go out and keep busy with work etc I have no desire to meet anyone else yet anyway. I know he has to work this out one way or the other before we would have any chance so will just wait and see what happens with her when she gets back I guess.

At least go out with your friends, go do your hobbies, play sports, read a book. Get busy, do things for yourself. Just don't sit by the phone waiting for him to contact you. If he does contact you, then just respond accordingly. Don't over-analyze everything he says, because that's unnecessary stress for you.