Hi, my husband left me 4 months ago after 16 years together! He said he wasn't sure how he felt about us anymore. Since he left I have made some self improvements including weight loss. We have had a friendly relationship since he went as have 2 children together. He has been the one to come round to us, sometimes 3 or 4 days on a row and sometimes stays over. He appears to find me attractive now! In the past week or so he's backed off, I asked him about it and he just said its confusing him! He's enjoying his own company, I am so confused. Could he genuinely be confused or is he just frightened of telling me straight that he wants to move on? He still tells me what he's been up to and says he wants no one else but again could this just be to keep the peace with me? He also quizzes me about my life and has said he doesn't know if he could see me with another man! Is all of this just to keep me on a string? I don't know what to do, any advice would be appreciated.

I think you start backing off him, and focus on building a life without him, just in case he doesn't want to come back. I think you have been hoping and trying to please him and have not paid attention or learned why he left in the first place.

At least you haven't said what broke up a 16 year old marriage.

Girl I think you should go out with Friends and move on , or at else go out and just acte like you don't care anymore that your not going to be watting until he's comes back.

He's got the best of both world's doesn't he.

He has his own space, lives on his own, and on the other hand, stops in several times a week to 'visit' and if he feels like it, spends the night with you.

You aren't sitting down with him and the kids having dinner and pretending everything is OK are you? Do the kids matter here at all?

What's with this setup.

He's either in, or he is out. He plays married when he feels like it, decides on when and how much time he'll spend with the kids, and wants you one minute, and doesn't the next. He is entirely in control here- of you, your children, and your life.

I'd say it's time to draw some boundaries. He can't have it both ways.

After four months, you might consider seeing a lawyer for a separation agreement, and a support order and visitation set up.

He may balk at the 'formality', however, you are entitled to a life outside of the marriage you had with him, and it is time in my opinion, to step up, take care of business, and move on.

You are both in limbo here. And so are the children. I don't hear anyone moving in any direction, just everybody accommodating a (now) single man who calls the shots.

I also don't hear why he left, or whether you have insisted on marriage counselling, or coming up with some temporary arrangement for him to come and take his children to his place. Why is that. Everything is stalled.

If you ask how he really feels in your question, does it really matter? If he wanted to figure out where his marriage is going, or gone, he would have done something to either save it, or end it.

The ball is in your court.

Thank you for your replies and advice. I'm not sure what broke up our marriage! I thought everything was going well we've always got along well with minimal arguments (nothing major) enjoyed doing similar things. It was just out of the blue I was gob smacked and never saw it coming. He couldn't give me a real reason he just said he didn't feel same anymore. I suggested counceling but he wasn't interested. Midlife crisis sprung to mind if there is such a thing! Just keeps telling me he's confused (maybe he's just using cowards way out!). I am trying to get on with my life regardless, its just so hard because I've always got the uncertainty looming! Feel anxious all the time. He did tell me a few weeks ago its not just me but the whole family ties! He seems to always change what he says or how he's feeling. He told me the other day that he's not frightened of telling me if he wanted to move on but he's still confused! (puppet on string springs to mind - what a mug I am!).

I know its very unsettling to be in limbo, uncertain whether to cut bait and run on your own, or stay and figure it out. I have found it best in times of confusion, to back away and examine things alone for facts and clues as to what's going on and what should be done for your own good.

I think you do have to interact well for the children, but you have to have your own path to thrive yourself, while he deals with his confusion.

How old are you both?

I am 33 and he is 37. We met when I was 17 and he was 21. We were both young and to add to that we'd only been together 4 months when I fell pregnant! He chose to stay with me then and we bought a place together. Because of this there is also doubt in my mind whether he ever really loved me or just stayed out of obligation, although 16 years together is a long time to stick it out!

He has wanderlust and he did more than just stay out of obligation, he built a family and a home with you. But its often the case he feels left out and deprived of his youth, and feels something is missing.

Does he have things he does just for himself, that's good clean adult fun, with other men, or does he live a solitary straight home from work lifestyle? How many children do you have? What major things is he going through at work? I ask, because its very easy to get busy with obligations that take so much of our lives, and we feel life has passed us by, especially when kids, and jobs have consumed our time and energy, and our thoughts change to "whats NEXT"?

Especially when those obligations are coming to an end, and we question ourselves, and our lives. That's why I ask these questions, to get a picture of HIM.

Initially we were a close knit family and neither of us did much on our own. He has always enjoyed his fishing and for past 9 years has gone fishing for a week in france alone. As far as I know there's nothing major going on at work or in his life. Since he left he has been enjoying nights out with his buddies. Keeps telling me he's enjoying his own company at the moment and doesn't want anyone else in his life. I'm struggling to trust him with this cause a couple of months ago he went on a date which his 'family' set him up with. He went and when I found out he said he was sorry, said he didn't enjoy the experience and should never have gone! He told me the other day he needs space again (he kept coming round to mine!) cause he's confused but I can't help but wonder if he's pushing me away so he can date without feeling so guilty or if he is just genuinely confused. My head is a mess!

Of course it is, as well it should be. Sudden changes like this will mess up anyone's head.

But for the short term, you put your own needs first, and make getting in his head a very low priority, because the reasons don't matter, what's done about it does.

At this point, let go of him, and make it better for yourself without him. He gets his space, and you pursue your peace of mind. Focus on handling YOUR business, and covering your own a$$, and best interests, without him. Protect yourself against his confusion since you don't know what his next step is. Know what yours is though, because there will come a time when confusion is no longer acceptable, and decisions MUST be made.

You will have to make sure he knows that soon, not now, but soon, if things continue this way much longer.

Do you work?

I do work part time, I also joined a gym (not been for 3 weeks though need to push myself a little). He's told me before that he doesn't know if he could see me with another man and is always questioning what I've been up to and quizzing me about the new lad that's started at my place of work! He loves the way I'm looking right now that's part the reason I think he's staying away (when he's around me he can't stop checking me out!). I don't want to move to far on with my life cause I'm scared of losing him completely, although whatever I've been doing so far isn't working! Thank you for the chat I'm already starting to feel more positive about things it's really helping me understand things a little better .

Don't let your fear of losing him stop you from being honest, and standing for your own interests want, and needs while you cater to HIM. Maybe he is confused, but that's no excuse for YOU to be confused, and in limbo.

Your totally right, only I, myself can change how I'm feeling right now and improve my life! I shouldn't rely on someone else for my own happiness! I need to take control. A million thanks for your help and advice it has been great to have the opinion of someone that's not involved! Today is the first day of the rest of my life and it will only be what I make it! Again many thanks x

Hi I'm posting in addition to another question I'd posted on 4th Oct regarding my husband leaving me.

Anyway 2 weeks ago I'd decided I'd had enough of the uncertainty of what was happening between us. Since he left he's been in and out of my life when he feels like it! I questioned him about it and asked if he was ready to move on as he'd been talking of moving out of his brothers and getting flat of his own! He said 'yes that's what I want' whilst crying into my shoulder!

Two days later he kept texting me and phoning me, I finally returned his call later that day and he was crying again, said he'd been like that since we spoke! He said he wasn't sure whether it was me or family life he was missing but getting his own place was something he needed to try, he said he might not even like it! I have noticed over the past couple of months he's been really down and hasn't been enjoying hobbies and things that he always used to love, he seems to come for my company to possibly make himself feel better.

Also a few comments he's made about death i.e.. The other week he was looking at fast sports cars and I asked him jokingly 'you trying to kill yourself' he just replied 'who knows' there have been several comments he's said that have scared me especially because of his apparent low mood!

I've got no one I can talk to this about as I don't want to talk behind his back. I was wondering if it could be some sort of midlife crisis or depression he's suffering with or whether he could just be taking me for a fool (alot of work if the latter is the case). He keeps telling me he's sorry for not being fair to me and that he can't expect me to wait!

Don't know how to deal with the situation. Any opinions would be greatly appreciated.

Hi I'm posting in addition to another question I'd posted on 4th Oct regarding my husband leaving me. Anyway 2 weeks ago I'd decided I'd had enough of the uncertainty of what was happening between us. Since he left he's been in and out of my life when he feels like it! I questioned him about it and asked if he was ready to move on as he'd been talking of moving out of his brothers and getting flat of his own! He said 'yes that's what I want' whilst crying into my shoulder! Two days later he kept texting me and phoning me, I finally returned his call later that day and he was crying again, said he'd been like that since we spoke! He said he wasn't sure whether it was me or family life he was missing but getting his own place was something he needed to try, he said he might not even like it! I have noticed over the past couple of months he's been really down and hasn't been enjoying hobbies and things that he always used to love, he seems to come for my company to possibly make himself feel better. Also a few comments he's made about death i.e.. The other week he was looking at fast sports cars and I asked him jokingly 'you trying to kill yourself' he just replied 'who knows' there have been several comments he's said that have scared me especially because of his apparent low mood! I've got no one I can talk to this about as I don't want to talk behind his back. I was wondering if it could be some sort of midlife crisis or depression he's suffering with or whether he could just be taking me for a fool (alot of work if the latter is the case). He keeps telling me he's sorry for not being fair to me and that he can't expect me to wait! Don't know how to deal with the situation.

He's being unbelievably selfish and doesn't appear to be taking your feelings into consideration whatsoever. I understand your concern for his well-being, because you love him - but is this concern being reciprocated? It's not fair that he keeps relying on you to make himself feel better, while still clinging to this freedom he's decided he wants. Personally, I think it's time you stand up to him and let him know that you're not there for just when he feels like it. If he doesn't want to be with you - then he should leave you alone, or else accept that he has obviously made a mistake and return to the marriage, as he so clearly wants it both ways.

Thank you. Part of me gets angry with him for being like this with me but part of me is worried for his well being too especially if he is depressed. He does break away for a while and says he's not being fair to me but always comes back although less and less as time goes on. He says he can't expect me to wait and if I find someone else he'd have to deal with it! It's just killing me not knowing whether he's just using me as an emotional crutch or whether he is genuinely confused about his life! If it's confusion I don't want to throw away our 16 year relationship, but on the other hand don't want to be lead on and end up hurting more in long run. He never really has any answers and I keep telling myself if there was nothing left between us why would he behave like this surely he'd just stay awawy and live the life he seemingly wants!

I hope things start to improve for you. Unfortunately, no matter how this situation turns around, someone will be hurt, perhaps everyone involved. But once there is a definitive change, you can begin to heal - whether that be the relationship, or your new path. I wish you the very best either way, but stick to my original opinion that going it alone is going to be the best bet. What he's doing isn't fair.

Steph