Is these thoughts 'normal' or 'average' my therapist say it's OK if I don't want people touching me especially in intimate ways. She said it's OK if I don't want to go to the gyno (never been before even though I am 32). I feel any kind of touching or probing by others in the private areas is very intrusive, uncomfortable and violating. Sigh. Even though therapist say it's all right not to be touched I feel something is wrong with me. Feel very out of place in this world filled with sex and romance -- maybe I am to die a virgin because I do not like close relationships with people :( I have no options seem there is only one and that is get off this damn planet ASAP. It's obvious there is no life worth living for those who cannot form close bonds, right? Ty

If you feel like there is something wrong with you for feeling this way, those feelings need to be explored. It's not up to your therapist to say it's all right or not. That's not the point. Your feelings about it are what need to be talked about.

Why do you feel that way? Is there a negative experience of being touched or probed in your personal history?

Since your previous thread was closed, I am posting a link to it for those answering your question to get more information on what has already been suggested.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-sexuality/extreme-phobia-intimate-touching-sex-dead-end-590326.html#post2865407

Is your therapist doing more than saying it 'okay' to have these feelings? Is she trying to work with to broaden your comfort zone and discover the underlying issues for you to be able to identify and work on them?

Wondergirl my therapist doesn't know about the sexual issues because I cannot bring myself to talk about sex in there. She knows I am single and live alone. The most I been able to say is that I do not like people touching me and can't go to the gyno and she said that was 'alright.' yes I have had a negative experience with touching but it was very long time ago in high school, like 15 years ago, forced oral sex. Haven't had any experiences since then though. Have never even been asked on a single date :( obviously there is 'something' wrong with me as a person, don't know of other women like this.

(cont.) Even though I am attracted to men (not a lesbian) I regularly want to punch them in the face randomly. There is a parts of me that hates them and how they pick certain women and treat the rest like invisible garbage. Even if I have these feelings I can't make them go away because I don't know how to.

Personally I think you need a new therapist, and/or you need to be more truthful with your therapist.

Humans are sexual beings, and normal is to be close and enjoy touching each other. This can vary depending on each person, of course.

Going to a doctor for an exam, thou I am not a female, but I do think many women look forward to a gyno exam, however I would think a good therapist would explain that the benefits provided by a gyno exam far outweigh the uncomfortable feelings during one.

I don't know of any men that are thrilled by getting our gonads touched during a doctors exam, but we manage to get through it. And contrary to popular belief, men would prefer a male doctor checking us rather than a female.

Your missing out on two important aspects of life, the closeness of intimacy, and a proper medical exam.

It is OK to have problems or issues, certainly if you were molested in some way. There is proper help available to get your issues resolved.

Your therapist is saying what you want to hear because she doesn't have the full story and is probably hoping you will feel comfortable enough to give it to her. She cannot be effective in helping you deal with your problems and issues unless you open up to her. If you don't feel like you can, then you need a new therapist who will be a bit more direct in getting to the root of your issues.

Something for you to think about: Because you don't want to be touched, you may be giving off signals saying 'stay away' much like a cactus does with its needles. You may have a defensive shield up that you aren't even aware of.

This may seem harsh, but until you are willing to deal with your past and be open in your therapy, I think you are going to continue feeling alone. It is inside you to change how you perceive the world and to find affection and intimacy within yourself that you are willing to share.

Give your therapist a chance to help you. I think you will be much happier inside if you do.

How can you expect a guy to notice you if you have intimacy issues? People can tell when someone feel like worthless. It's not something a man would be attracted to. So you need to work on that self-esteem of yours.

As others have pointed out, get a new therapist, and be honest.

You have some issues to work through so right now is no time to be searching for a man.

Go see a gyno. It's important for your health. Tell her about your issues-- she can possibly refer you to a better therapist.

For now on work on yourself. Baby steps :-)!

Hello. I cannot changes my therapist, I am stuck there because of very limited insurance. The only other available place is a few towns over and it's too far for me to travel each week. I am really tired of hearing people keep saying 'humans are sexual and it's normal for wanting intimacy, etc. (not just on here in general). So I feel like since I don't fit into that, obviously I must not be human. Either they say that or they say 'no man wants to be w/ someone with low self esteem or you feel worthless' well fine I can't change none of these issues because too fu*ked up and no one want to be with me because I have these problems so why bother? Only option I see is to off myself and forget about all of this bullsh*t. there's no hope.

What's the point of even fu*king living if you can't live normal like everyone else and enjoy the things that's supposed to be things the rest of the humans enjoy? It's a joke this whole life.

hello. I cannot changes my therapist, I am stuck there because of very limited insurance.
Okay, then. We will help you help her to be the greatest therapist in the world.

I can't change none of these issues
Of course you can. If I could change how I think about things, so can you.

what's the point of even fu*king living if you can't live normal like everyone else and enjoy the things that's supposed to be things the rest of the humans enjoy? it's a joke this whole life.
Um, you're trying to throw the baby out with the bathwater.

What have you picked up from things we have said so far?

How you do it then? How you change what you think? She tell me the same things every week to change my thought and not think negative about life. It don't last; think positive for one day and then something goes wrong and it's back where I started :( Some people can do it and some people can't, that's just the way it is. I believe there's no hope for some people no matter what they try, so why bother sticking around for nothing?. the things that people are saying here is everyone have issues going to these intrusive exams but they still do it, Ok. I even try it but make a fool out of myself twice and had to leave. So I can't do it. She will think it's stupid to bring up sex to her (therapist) when she know I lives alone with a dog & never even been on date! Sigh. Also, person said 'missing out on intimacy' and 'it's normal for humans to want sex, etc.' Again, not denying it but if your not fitting in with that, then obviously you don't belong, right? It would make said person a 'defect' as far as humans go :(

Maybe my time better spent adjusting to and learning to accept that this is the way things are, I am going to live alone and never have a partner or family. I would do that but I don't know how to do that either.

How you do it then? It don't last; think positive for one day
What do you do that one day that makes it work?

You start by telling your counselor the complete truth, let them know why things are the way they are. They do not judge, and will try to help you cope with things the way they are. The Counselor does not have magic words, but may have role playing or learning to separate the past and present.

Many women don't go for their checks up, because they don't like being touched at least by a stranger, that is why many go to women doctors for that. But then I don't know anyone that likes a tooth being pulled or filled, but we still go, Some things like that is merely a matter of forcing yourself to do something's,

And yes, victim of sexual abuse, have the same feelings that you do very often. That is why they go to support groups, that is why they go to counseling. But you have to try to help yourself by being honest with those wanting to help you

I was molested and raped by a family member when I was younger, then raped as a teenager. I know your pain. I was afraid of people touching me. My brother would place his hand on my thigh, a child mind you, and I would cry. I hated myself and felt so alone. I lied to my therapist saying nothing happened to make me this way. It didn't help any. I bucked up and told her and worked from there.
I also gave off that, don't bother me, don't talk to me, stay away vibe, and I learned to break that.

It's scary feeling alone, it's scary feeling different. But dear, you are not alone. I know a few people like this, I was for example. I met a girl in psych ward who was completely asexual. She had never had a sexual thought in her life and felt no draw to either gender. She felt alone too. Just know this, you are not alone. You can work through this. I believe in you.

I too suffered sexual abuse in the past. When I first started working on it I couldn't actually speak about it. No matter how much I wanted to, as soon as I started thinking about what I needed to say I would feel like my throat was closing up and I literally couldn't get the words out.

I had to start trying to say things out loud in private to myself. When I still couldn't get the words out I would try to write them down. When I couldn't even do that I would draw a picture of how I was feeling. By the time I could actually share my story verbally I was a long way on the road to recovery.

I don't know if my method will help you. I know something will if you give it a chance. Lots of people have travelled this path, and it is a hard one to follow, but so worth it when you get to your destination, accepting the past and free of the negative effects it has on your life.

Another tool you might find helpful is EFT. (Emotional freedom techniques). You can read about it here:

EFTUniverse.com (http://www.eftuniverse.com/)

You can learn to use it as a self-help tool for free. Click on get started on the top of the left hand menu.

Hang on in there and keep looking for the right solution for you. I totally believe there is one for you; try and believe it might just be possible yourself.

QLP & Lyra thank you for sharing your stories and what have happened to you in the past. Sigh. Sometime I wonder if I am like you all, maybe you were meant to get through these types of things and some other people weren't. I will do what you said qlp and try draw a picture first it is at least a start & shows I am trying to do something. I told my therapist about what happened that time and we talked about it for a few minutes but haven't brought it up since, that was months ago. Anyway mostly I just feels hopeless. If anyone have ideas how ican learn to live by myself and like it that would be great also. Ty

If you want to live by yourself and actually like it, you have to actually want it. If it's not what you actually want, you're not going to like it.

There's this quote I remember reading before, "if you think you can, you're right. if you think you can't, you're right." at first I didn't understand it at all. But over the years I've come to understand it better. If I don't think I can accomplish something, then I'll be the only one holding myself back if I don't accomplish it. It doesn't matter if anyone else thinks I can do something if I don't think I can do it. It's like having a self fulfilling prophecy, if you think you will fail at something, most likely you will, and the only real reason for failing will be because it's what you expected from yourself.

For me, when I start feeling like I can't do something, and I realize that I'm getting back into my old ways of thinking negatively, I make a conscious effort to tell myself I can. And sometimes it's literally like that children's book the little engine that could. I just have to keep telling myself "i think i can. i think i can." until I finally actually feel like I can. And when I'm having a rough day, it helps to take a deep breath and look around for something to be grateful and appreciative of. It can be something as simple as someone holding a door for me, noticing a pretty flower or tree, or maybe just enjoying the sunshine for a minute. It all sounds insignificant at first, but it's amazing what a difference taking just a minute to show gratitude for something can make.

If you go on some of these online dating sites in the forums and things the reality set in that majority of these men don't even want women that never have experience with relationships. To them it is red flags if you're single and never married over 30 or so. I think a person can think positive all they want, but that's the reality of the circumstances right there from males in the dating world; they don't want you :(

if you go on some of these online dating sites in the forums ... that's the reality of the circumstances right there from males in the dating world; they don't want you :(
I sure hope you don't think dating sites are the only way to find dates and that is the be-all, end-all of dating! There are a lot of real men out there without preconceived notions of what a woman should be.

if you go on some of these online dating sites in the forums and things the reality set in that majority of these men don't even want women that never have experience with relationships. to them it is red flags if you're single and never married over 30 or so. I think a person can think positive all they want, but that's the reality of the circumstances right there from males in the dating world; they don't want you :(

And there's that negative thinking creeping in again... if you think you are unworthy and no one wants you then you'll give off that vibe and then it will become your reality. But if you're confident and you can love yourself, that's what will shine through.

And as for internet dating... while it works for some, like wondergirl said, it is not everything. In my opinion, it's much better to meet someone doing something you like, like joining a book club, cooking class, at the gym, something like that.

This is a post from another thread you made about FaceBook. I think it has some information in it that has a good deal of bearing on your sexual issues. I am wondering why you haven't mentioned having Asperger Syndrome (and anxiety disorder) in this thread.


ty you tal for the suggestions. personally i don't see how anyone is being social at the home depot or grocery stores, when I go there I shop and leave. But OK. Cat:It was the original catapult why I wanted to start using F.B. found out he was on there and thought 'maybe I should join' then realized I know of other people I used to be friends with that are on there as well. I have Asperger Syndrome and like I said anxiety disorder. Frankly don't have an interest in finding new friends; if I got on F.B. I was sure some people I knew would pop up and that would've been fine. Since I decide I wasn't going to contact him at all, no point joining to talk to old people from my life, b/c I don't friends anyways. Used to have friends and dropped them all, too many troubles trying to navigate social interactions, IMO. Tired of going through it; everyone is all into these social networking and doing this and that. I don't understand connecting with others for 'enjoyment' so not going to bother trying anymore. Prefer do things on my own, then no hassles. That's how I see it. Again thanks though for advice.

Edit: When I said 'connecting with others for enjoyment purposes' that came out wrong. What I meant was connecting with others and having social obligations. I don't know why I ever thought I could get in that loop & function in the first place. It was a stupid idea. Ok ty.

Wonder & just curious -- but not to be rude but IMO that is complete and utter B.S. that 'just think positive' and 'feel confident!' and guys will love that. Yea, right! How do I know? Because I tried it most of my life and it did absolutely nothing for me. Nothing. I was walking around like an idiot thinking if I thought I was all right, so would someone else. Yea suuuure. There's a lot of sad, fat girls with bad skin sitting at home wanting dates with these men and they're 'nice' too. LOL. IMO it's not about being a 'good person' anymore if you're a woman and don't look really good and have lot of experience dating and in bed -- they will just pass on you. I don't understand why peoples on here continue to deny this :( I took a cooking class to 'meet men' way back when and all I got out of it was a cooking class. Guys don't talk to me in those things and never have. They don't approaches me probably because I am not a 9 or a 10 or even an 8. WHERE is the other places to meet men? If they don't talk to you where do it matter what places you go? I use go bars and clubs w/ my gf's and got passed over for them in those places too. Made me feel like garbage so I stopped going.

Cat I didn't mention asperger and anxiety because I didn't think it was relevant. Just diagnosed a few weeks ago with Aspergers and anxiety disorder since 2 years ago. You see the males list all the time they don't want 'head cases' or girls with 'mental problems' so that's another strike! If you have mental disorders and not 'cute' as a girl, (I am average) than you're a lost cause. So I feels I have 2 options: learn to live alone and like it or commit suicide if I can't take fact I am never going to find partners. That's how I see it.

**I'm not going on F.B. to talk to that guy. No point, I'm not 'dating material' anyway so why bother.

I took a cooking class to 'meet men' way back when and all I got out of it was a cooking class. Guys don't talk to me in those things and never have.
Did you talk to any of them?

I didn't mention asperger and anxiety because I didn't think it was relevant.
They are extremely relevant! I am married to a man with Asperger's. His father had it. Our son is autistic (different type called hyperlexia). All three of them are the only people walking around in their world. They don't believe it's of any use to talk with anyone else. Add anxiety into the mix, and now I understand you a lot better.

I have very fat friends, spotty friends, a brother in law with a really bad squint, two friends with aspergers (two young brothers that I worked with during their schooling), disabled friends, a friend with PTSD, OCD, epilepsy and anxiety issues. They have all managed to have valuable relationships. My own daughter has CFS, Fibromyalgia and, due to medications and forced inactivity, has become very overweight. She has been with her lovely boyfriend for 4 years - despite the fact she spends half the week too ill to leave her bed and the rest hobbling around just about functioning.

I'm not saying it is easy. But it isn't impossible. Someone wise on here once said try the Walmart test. Go sit outside Walmart and watch the array of couples of all shapes, sizes, and personalities coming out. Many wouldn't fit the 'ideal partner' picture, yet still they found someone to be happy with.

As for being experienced in bed - I would want a guy to get to know me as a person before he even thought about asking that question.

Where to meet men? Everywhere! I talk to new people every day; wherever I happen to meet them. I do realise the Aspergers and anxiety are going to make it a lot harder. My two young friends both met new people, including young ladies they dated, at computer classes. I think the reason this worked for them is because they were really interested in the classes and in talking to other people about their interest. They didn't go to meet people; they met people who shared their interest once there.

Try to think of things that you would really enjoy doing for yourself and be open to meeting new people while doing it. Above all stop thinking that you aren't worth getting to know.

You have told us quite a bit about yourself. Now I am sorry if this is going to sound harsh: There is only one thing I would find wouldn't attract me to getting to know you; and that is your negativity. I would have to feel like working hard to get past that. But the great news is the one thing really holding you back is the thing you do have the power to change.

Wondergirl no I didn't talk to any of the males in the cooking class. How? Other girls was talking to the 3 that was in there and I didn't know what to say, didn't want to butt in so I just kept quiet. Usually that's what happen when other women around the men ignores me like I'm not there. If they interested they would've talk to me like they did the other girls right? How do your husband act? What's his ways like? Why and how did you marry him if he have aspergers? Most of the people's with aspergers don't even know how to date or get dates, like me :/ I'm not the type to go up and just strike up a conversation with some guy, yea right! Most time if you're not really attractive or w/e the guys don't want you talking to them or hitting on them anyway.

QLP even though that's supposed to make me feel better it made me feel bad, sigh. All those people you know with disabilities and mental problems all found someone. That is good for them by the way, but look at them and then me I never even been on one date nor asked on one before :( If a man interested in a woman he will approach her and ask for a date, so obviously they aren't interested. I seen my old female friends easily get bf's and asked on dates etc. which have never happened to me. I don't understand people and communicate with them. I don't see how I'm to think positive when never had any positive results. Just because I go to these shopping centers like walmart don't mean guys talk to me, they never have. It's true what you said though the couples that's out and about aren't 'perfect' looking or anything like that. Some of the things I like to do is shopping, cooking, movies, listening music and reading books, knitting. That's really it; most my activities I like I do by myself.

Wondergirl... How do your husband act? what's his ways like? why and how did you marry him if he have aspergers?
He and I went to different colleges and worked part-time at a YMCA in their cafeteria. He was behind the steam table handing out vegetables and potatoes, while I was around the corner of the steam table in charge of beverages and desserts. Since we were near each other and the same age, we would chat between customers. He lived at home with his family, and his house was near my college, so he offered to drive me home after work at 9 p.m. so I didn't have to spend money to take a cab. Our first date was hiking at a state park one Saturday. I got to carry his camera bags and equipment while he took pictures of leaves and chipmunks. Our second date was to a movie and McDonald's. He liked me because I didn't cost much money.

He is a nice person and moral and honest. We found things to talk about, so we got married. Back then, we had no idea what Asperger's is; we figured that out about two years ago to explain the way he thinks and behaves (social misfit, poor eye contact, rigid thinker, hates change, has a narrow range of interests, has set routines, is clumsy).

Firstly, if you are giving out, 'go away' signals through anxiety and negativity that will stop people talking to you. It's no good deciding to think more positively after you get good results; you have to try and think positive to get the good results. Just because it didn't happen until now does't mean it can't.

You like knitting. Imagine if you had thought, 'that is too hard, I have never done it, therefore I will never be able to knit.' Ditto cooking, reading, etc. You had to learn how. But first you had to be willing to learn and believe it was possible.

If we want to see something different happen to us we have to change something we are doing. How about looking around for something you could volunteer to help out with? Maybe you could use your cooking skills to help out with some kind of food programme for the needy. I don't know if you have 'meals on wheels' where you live for the elderly? If not, how about soup kitchens or something similar? Or the YMCA like WG? Or maybe you could use your love of reading to help out in a local school or library, listening to children read.

TY wondergirl for sharing your story how you met your husband. Even though you don't think it was much, it was a really nice love story & make me wonder if I can meet someone too on day (even though it seem unlikely ever happen). The way you describe his behaviors is how I am too. It seem if you're a guy and have these 'traits' then you can still get a girlfriend, but if you're a girl and have them and have to wait for guys to ask you out, it is never going to happen. I wonder why you would be attracted to those 'traits?' in a man.

i wonder why you would be attracted to those 'traits?' in a man.
He has many "normal" good traits (and you do too!). I guess the thing to do is find someone who will look beyond the stimming and lack of eye contact to uncover those good traits which are more valuable than good looks or being a social butterfly. He is very smart (I bet you are too), has several areas of special interest (photography and repairing things -- what are yours?), cannot lie, will never cheat on me (cheating is not how his brain operates), and doesn't tell me what to do or how to do it.

Now, tell me about your good traits.

QLP -- how I can not give out 'go away' signals then? Sometime when you try make eye contact with men they look away or pretend your not there :( then what? Well, be realistic if I never had a date by this time obviously I am not good enough to get one. I'm sorry that is just the reality of it & it sound like B.S. putting it any other way. Yes, there's 'meals on wheels' here and yes there's a library reading program: what you think that is going to do for me and getting men? Sigh. What's volunteering going to do? I will go to these places and no one will talk to me except maybe the girls like what always happens. I been to college and no guys ask me out then either only hit on me in bars a few times and it was all sex related.

Wondergirl -- your husband sound like somebody nice to be with :) you're lucky at least you finds a mate. Not to be rude: but he is not affectionate right? From what I gather most of the males out there do not want girls who are not into affection and sex. Which I can understand, so that makes me feel like a 'freak.'even though you said the guy have to get to know you first, within first 3 months they usually want sex, that's the reality... I don't have a lot of good traits. I like reading and being myself. I like to listen to people problems and I like cooking. I like antiques. That's really it :(

No, he's not huggy-kissy, but he does all the grocery shopping, keeps the vehicles clean and in good repair, fixes anything around the house that gets broken, and makes sure our five cats are happy. Isn't that kind of love good enough?

Actually, HHV, it sounds like you have some very interesting traits. Maybe it's time to start looking for guys in better places, looking for guys who like what you like and who think like you do.

Did you ever read any books by Temple Grandin?

I never read any books by Temple Grandin nor heard of her. Looked her up on Goodreads.com and she got a lot of books, but which one is the best? I seen a bookclub at the library I wanted to join it's all women in it; that's not going to help meet men at the library. They go to the library when I'm there but none of them talks to me, we just get books, that's it... I think your husband qualities are worth being with him I guess. You must not care he is not 'touchy feely' then? There is no places to meet men besides public places I been going to and like I said they don't talk to me anyway.

I strongly encourage you to join the book discussion group. It will help you a bit with social skills and getting outside your own skin. (That's what my husband has tried to do [with my help ;)] during his lifetime.)

Hmmmm, start with Grandin's book Thinking In Pictures. She has Asperger's, has a Ph.D. in animal science, and has helped the livestock industry rebuild and reconfigure at least 60% of their slaughterhouses so there is no cruelty to animals who are to be killed for food. She has an affinity to animals (as do many people with Asperger's). She is my personal hero and is a contributing editor/columnist for an autism/Asperger's magazine that I have been published in twice.

Now, do me a favor. Get your mind off meeting men. Forget that for now. Think about just enjoying life. "How can I enjoy each day? What can I do to be happy each day?"

Stick around. I have specific ideas for you to try.

Well I am tired of concentrating on 'how can I be happy everyday?' its nothing but a distraction the fact I am alone and will probably always be alone. I would rather learn how to deal with that. I willcheck out the temple grandin book.

well i am tired of concentrating on 'how can i be happy everyday?' its nothing but a distraction the fact i am alone and will probably always be alone. i would rather learn how to deal with that. i willcheck out the temple grandin book.

Sometimes we don't find things until we stop looking for them. So maybe taking a break from trying to deliberately be happy is exactly what you need. Good luck. I wish you the best and I hope you stick around and let us know how things are going :)

By "enjoying yourself," I mean do the things you know you like to do -- read (and join that book discussion group?), listen to people's problems (answer questions here on this site? You're a thoughtful person and might give a new perspective to someone), try out some new recipes (you said you like to cook), and learn more about antiques (pick a specialty, like old toys, and check out some library books that are descriptive and price guides.

Speaking of antiques and collectibles, my mom is 87 and wants to get a good price on her Gorham sterling silverware. Maybe you could help me figure out some things about how she should do this.

That's what everyone say: oh just stop looking and things will happen. YEA RIGHT. I am 31 never been on date even, nothing is going to happen pretty sure of that since it never have. Tired of sitting around pretending I am going to find someone when it's obvious its NOT EVER going to happen :( this whole world is bullsh*t. plain and simple. Some people destined to die alone because not everyone can have what they want in this world...

Wondergirl your mom is going to have to look if there's any markings on the silverware. Is it yellowed or in what kind of condition? Also look for the pattern styles on Ebay. Any other info on it? I am trying out new recipes in a cookbook I got for Christmas. I keep thinking about book club but too much of a chicken and loser to actually join it and go. Just another thing like to try but don't do it because of anxiety disorder. Just a bunch of things in life I will never be able to do. Life not worth living if that's the case. Ty

wondergirl your mom is going to have to look if there's any markings on the silverware. is it yellowed or in what kind of condition? also look for the pattern styles on Ebay. any other info on it?
The silver is in perfect condition and complete servings for six plus hostess pieces. I got a price guide from the library and also checked eBay. Now we have to get it appraised and find a buyer somehow (not easy in this economy). Thanks for that help, HHV.

I wish you lived near me. We would have fun swapping recipes and starting a writers' group. (You're a good writer.)

W.G. glad you find the silver pieces on Ebay and are able to price them, now you can make a profit which is good. I usually just ignores it when someone says compliments to me like 'you have nice handwriting' or w/e. it makes me feel uncomfortable so I just pretend I didn't hear it and move on to the next thing. Just wanted you to know to know that... now it's too bad we don't live closer we could've maybe did some activities :( like the book club, sigh. You work at the library? What's that's like? I wish I could get a job there, but it's small and not hiring at this time.