Well, I've been lately probably for the past year going through a hard time. It's really impossible to describe the pain I feel, but it's truly there. The sad thing is, my parents were married for eighteen years almost. My mother loved my father to death, but he was indifferent. He bullied her, abused her verbally, nearly physical, he treated me and my mildly autistic brother the same. It was horrible, I lived basically my whole life almost 18 years, in pain and anger, outrage, etc. When I was fifteen I wanted to just kill myself because of my dad, but the only reason I didn't, is because I felt that my mother and brother I couldn't bare to be without them, and it would be an selfish act in itself to do it. My dad and I fought, because he broke my belief in a strong family, he broke my heart for so many reasons. He treated my mother like **** basically, it was wrong and I stood up for her. So many memories, they're just all so painful.
I remember one night, where I was about to go to bed, I heard an argument break out, I walked out of my room just to hear what was going on. I then heard weeping, and I walked into my mom and dad's bedroom hallway and saw my mom on the floor with a pillow, and a blanket, crying so hard. I came toward her, and asked her what happened. She told me to go back to sleep, that she'll be fine. I told her that I'm not going to let her sleep on the floor, I let her sleep in my bed that night, and I slept on the sofa, as I do now. My parents got divorced eventually a year ago. I've come to terms with things, but I still wish my dad would change. I'm a firm believer in Jesus Christ, and I know he's really not. I pray for him, try to witness to him, it just hurts so much. We did everything for my dad, when he lost his numerous jobs, we relocated every time, leaving behind my own family, my own friends. He put my mom through so much hell, he doesn't even care. You'd thing this divorce might change him, but no it didn't. It's gotten worser, it's like he's a stranger. I don't know him anymore, I get along with him like he's a neighbor or someone I don't know real well. It scares the hell out of me... I feel so empty and miserable, I'm so afraid of trusting people, or letting people in, it's like I've trapped my heart on lock and key, but I've lost the key. I'm just trying to reach out, and I feel like I have to get this off my chest. So if anyone was any good true advice, I'd gladly appreciate it.

It would help to know how old you are, and whether you are living at home with your mother and brother now.

That you can identify the problems and suffering you all went through as a result of your father's behaviour, the flip side of that is working through it, accepting it for what it was, and not letting the past rule the future.

By that I mean, when you mention how difficult it is to separate your life, from your father's life, and trust is hard to come by in relationships now. As long as you see him as the cause of how you think, feel, and live your own life, you are robbing yourself of what could, and should be.

It is sometimes easier to stay affected by the past, than it is to change the future.

Consider that if you don't change, you may find yourself feeling this way for the next 10 years, or even the rest of your life. To not make a change now, will have you blaming your father for the cause of bad relationships, trust issues, and generally a poor outlook on life that leaves you stagnant.

You can only blame him so long for your own unhappiness. I hope you don't take that the wrong way- clearly he has caused far too many years of abuse, and you suffer those consequences.

But, he is out of your life now. He is a grown man, who may or may not change, but one thing is for certain, even if he were to wake up one morning feeling remorseful for all that he has done and make amends with his family, it will still not change your own outlook and control over your own life.

It is never easy to let the past go, no matter how hard it was, and no matter what or who was involved with shaping it. You do not have to carry this burden.

If you have ever considered counselling, I urge you to go- now. Let a professional help you through the learning and work you need to do, to truly be independent of what has shaped your life so far.

Divorces are difficult for adults and really hard on the kids, a truly life changing event. It affects all areas of our lives and makes for some seriously difficult times and feelings as we adjust to the changes. Its really hard. But the good news is its for the best, and in time when you have adjusted to the changes, and healed from the emotional trauma you will be stronger for it.

But for now someone to talk to would be a great idea, be it close friend, family, teacher, minister, or a counselor. Its healthier to talk to someone, to vent, and rant those feelings out, than to bottle them up, and be hurt by them.

So find someone to talk to, or come back here and rant/vent away. Not only will we understand, we give cyber hugs too! >cyber hug< I think its great that you have reached out. That's a good sign.

I would say, just imagine how your mother would have thought about all that. She is in need of a counseling more than you. Just take care of your mother and try to forget your father. He will be back within the next few years. Besides that, try to make some really good friends and girl friends. Enjoy your life. You can't ruin the future because of your past.

Thank you so much everyone for your answers. AJ, I'm not sure my dad will be coming back. SO much has happened, I don't think he will, he's mentally ill, sports addiction, etc. I wish I could enjoy my life. Easier said than done.