I've been dating a girl about 2 years now. We met at school and when we started it was a little rocky at first I was still kind of getting over the girl I dated before her, but after a while and some space things started to work and I've fallen in love with this girl I've been dating. She has been amazing to me , and I am happier than I have ever been. Also we are both 23, she will be 24 in 3 months.

Since we have graduated college we have been both at home living with parents until we mostly get on our feet. I have a full time job now in my field near my home town (about 15 minutes away). She is in grad school pursing her masters because she couldn't get a job in her field out of college. The job she has now is awful and can cause her stress from time to time. But we manage to see each other on the weekends , usually alternating every other weekend who goes to visit whom. Things have been great for the entire time, we don't really fight.. we get along great.

Until recently she was acting a little odd when we got back from our vacation that we took together. She was great and fine until the night we flew home and once we got back home she started being kind of distant. When I got home I called and asked her what was wrong she told me she's been really stressed lately and now stress from our relationship is starting to bother her. I asked her what about it was bothering her, and she said every time she tries to figure it out it always comes back to us living far apart, and it makes her unhappy about our relationship. So I asked how long it has been going on for, and she said she's felt this before but usually something makes it go away kind of quickly, but she's been stressed from her job, school is getting harder and its not going away this time. And she asked me if I would come down this upcoming weekend to discuss everything and she's confused on what she should do. So I said sure, and I asked "what do you want to do to fix it? Move in together?" and she just said we can discuss everything. We had spoken previously about living together and both decided that we didn't want to start discussing it until she was close to finishing grad school, so that it wouldn't be a distraction. She said she couldn't go another year of feeling like this every so often. She did also say that she loves me very much and she doesn't want to get rid of me because she loves me so much.


Being super curious I asked her I said, " are you contemplating breaking up over this? Can you tell me that you aren't going to end things this weekend?" and she said "i can't promise that , I want to talk to you, and I want to talk more on the phone and see if that helps us at all."

So I have a few questions for anyone willing to answer. 1. Should I be worried? 2. Is talking about living together at this stage too much? I mean we are both almost 24. We've dated for 2 years, I just don't know if its too soon or not.


Any other advice would be greatly appreciated... I'm losing sleep over this.

That's the risk of LDR's, when one partner needs a hug from the stresses of a day, and you aren't there. When you are lonely, they aren't there. Makes a difference when you are happy apart, but if one is not... its a problem.

Don't know what's on her mind, but do know now is not the time to be distracted, or worried about your own feelings, because I am willing to bet she is at an emotional cross road, and becoming unsure and confused.

I think it was a mistake to voice your concerns over a break up, when you should have, in my opinion been pay close attention to her discontent. Clearly the distance thing is wearing her out, and the only solution is to solve the distance, or end the relationship. I feel its at that point because of this.


She said she couldn't go another year of feeling like this every so often. She did also say that she loves me very much and she doesn't want to get rid of me because she loves me so much.

This is where a solution, or suggestion would have reassured her you understood, and was on the same page. When you gave into your super curiosity, you showed your own fear, and a lack of understanding. Reopen this dialog, and pursue a solution to the distance and at least offer an alternative to the stress that uncertainty is causing your partner.

You must covey confidence that nothing is impossible, or off the table of possibility. Hopefully this approach at the very least can gain clarity, as how things should proceed. Can you work where she is? That's the question you have to have an answer for, or can she get a good job, or pursue school where you are? Find out what's the best plan.

Ending the distance is the goal. I would be very interested in an update please, to this situation.

Thank you for your prompt response.


She lives about 1 hr 30 minutes from me and We both know living together at this point in time is not financially possible.

I just recently switched from a job that had some long hours and a 1 hour + commute, so I plan on suggesting to her that if I can find an affordable apartment I am willing to move closer to help cut the distance (about 1 hour closer, cutting it down to about 30 minutes) I figured I was used to it already for a year , so why not go back to it.. plus I won't be dealing with traffic anymore. I have told her already that I am willing to work this out in any way possible that will make her happy.

Another thing to add , Is I believe she gets pressure from her family lately, they have joked around when I am around about when I would "take her off their hands and let her live with me" even to the point where they joke about offering to help with rent... and sometimes I don't know if they are joking.

We have been talking like normal, she asked me to just keep talking normally as we do.

I will be sure to give you an update.

You have been together two years, and should be able to communicate, and work together.

I agree. You should be able to talk.

Without your pressure.

If I were her, I would be questioning a LD thing, too. Especially with you hounding her. She sounds smart.

This may be a case of her wanting to live her own life & grow w/o a boyfriend to worry about. Monkey on her back.

These are crucial stages here. New careers, etc..

"She was great and fine until the night we flew home and once we got back home she started being kind of distant"

LDs are like vacations.

Try laying off the pressure. Do your own thing. Concentrate on your job.

If she wants this, let her be the one to let you know.

Doesn't sound like she's jumping up & down about it.

Don't go out of your way until you really know she wants what you want.

Well we spoke and it went south. We ended up breaking up over it.. she said that she's really scared about our future together that lately things have become unknown to her. She say she still loves me and loves being with me but our relationship she said feels stale and strained. We ended things with her saying she still didn't know what to do. But I figured as hard as it was, maybe this is what she needs to figure things out. I offered to her maybe we take a break from each other for a little while so she could think things through but she said she doesn't believe in breaks that sometimes going through that can be worse than breaking up which I can agree with some of the time. We usually see each other on weekends and when we do were almost always doing something. So I suggested to her maybe we should take some time to not do anything and just focus on each other for a little while. And she said it sounded great but she's so scared that it would come back to this point and that she's so freaked out about everything she doesn't want to hold back while I'm putting in effort. Right now I'm heartbroken, but I feel better that I fully know what she's thinking currently, even if it is just a bunch of unanswered questions. I'm not banking on her coming back , but just the way we left things off seems like this wasn't fully what she wanted to do.

I'm not banking on her coming back , but just the way we left things off seems like this wasn't fully what she wanted to do.



It always seems that way during a break up. They did what they did for themselves and for your part, you have to accept it.

Her words, and actions don't match, but her actions speak volumes. Don't they??

She asked me if we made a decision and I said It sounds like you want to end things, and I think it'd be best for you to do so so you can think things through and have time for herself.

It may be good for me because I can think things through as well and see what should happen. Only issue coming up is we have a wedding in a month that were going to and are staying in the same room... It's going to be hard.

Modify all your future plans that excludes her from them. She is on her own now, so say what you mean, and mean what you say. This is no time to waffle on decisions, or be wishy washy.

So I'll post an update


Been apart about a week now, I've given her some space, she's talked to me a little at work, and actually called me on this past Monday and ask how come I haven't been talking to her so I told her "well , i want you to be able to clear your head and not stress as much so i figured i'd step back a bit and we kinda are broken up now..so i'm sure we both need some time" she went on to tell me that she is still thinking about things and was under the assumption that we are more so on a break than completely broken up. I asked her as to why she thinks that and she said " well we did talk and said that I would take time to think about things and figure myself out first, and from our talk we both did gather we both don't want to end this right now, and I know that I am confused but I do know that I don't want to end it"

So more or less, as much as we don't believe in them we are on a break. I did leave off with her telling her that I was going to be stepping back and not talking to her as much so as I am not to cloud her judgement. I know there is a very large school of thought that believe that breaks are just breakups , and I do believe that to an extent , but this does not seem like a "break up"

Later that same Monday night, her mother e-mailed me saying she was sorry to see things the way they are and that she was happy that my girlfriend was with me and that I treated her so well and was mature enough not to make a big scene about everything that's happening. I responded back telling the mother how I felt about everything but also said that I understood where my girlfriend was coming from and that it's a very tough time in her life, she just needs a little bit to figure herself out. Her mother responded back very happy with my response and also said she hopes we can work things out.

So more or less... I'm on a break.. and I guess more or less with this update... whats good advice for a break minus limited contact, because that I am already planning.


On a side note, I've taken this week to really think more about myself than our relationship as well. And I've been thinking this break could potentially be good for me, I've realized there's a lot of friends of mine I have not seen in a while and should reconnect with. I am also realizing I took a lot of vices I used to enjoy in small amounts and taken them a little too far ( making/drinking beer, buying video games, playing poker) and I'm thinking that it maybe good for both of us, and could be part of the reason why our relationship is stressed due to distance and has got a little stale .

You can do whatever you want, but you were right to tell her you are stepping back so she can make a decision for herself without your influence. You said what you mean, so now mean what you say, and stay stepped back until she is sure of what she wants, and there is no more confusion.

She has told you already she doesn't want titles, or commitment, but she does still want attention. That's why it's a break, and not a break up. Continue to give her what she asked for, and keep your own dignity, and self respect.

Don't believe me? Read how some of these other guys on this forum felt when they did not know how to handle a break! Sure you want it to be a difference between a break, and break up, but there is NOT. NONE!

So think carefully before you start anything, take your own time before going with this minimal contact strategy, because just talking to her, and her mom briefly has shaken your resolve to keep your own words. And its only been a week?? She is trying to get you in the friend zone, and if that's cool, then go ahead, keep us updated.

You are correct that getting the email from the mother shook me a little bit. Mostly because I was not expecting it come as I have never had a good relationship with a significant others parents, first time for everything. I always worry that everything is just a front from parents (being a guy and possibly harming "daddys little girl" etc) Her mother did specify though that she believes her daughter is going through a phase and has talked to her about it and it does seem like she's worried about her own future and won't be able to find a job.

I will keep you updated and keep my distance.

I also think part of the reason I am calm about all of this is because I did go through this with her, but I got the space I needed because she was in England at the time and we only spoke maybe once a week, if we were lucky.

I would go NC.

Remove the wait, drama, Mom stepping in, etc... BS

"her daughter is going through a phase"
That's for sure. So are you. The breakup phase. Mom was letting you down easy just like daughter.

Drama.

Don't put your life on hold.

The world is a big place.

Just an update, yes I am continuing with my NC idea. I'm not just doing it to "get her back" I want her to figure herself out.

So she contacted me recently(Via E-mail) and asked me how come I haven't been speaking to her and that she's felt very withdrawn from the world around her lately and told me that she's very stressed still about everything and she's starting to see that I am not the cause of her stress, but the stress in her life is affecting her thoughts of our relationship and how she acts in it.

The only thing I have responded with is that I hope she can figure it out and that I am going to Ireland for a week with work we would talk when I got back.

You done okay until you told her you would talk when you get back from Ireland. Like she will have it figured out by then! PUH-LEASE!!

Less is more. "I hope you figure it out", was quite enough. I would never have answered her email.

"The only thing I have responded with is that I hope she can figure it out and that I am going to Ireland for a week with work we would talk when I got back."


That isn't NC. Get with the program.