imsurroundedbyfish
Sep 13, 2011, 08:10 AM
Will someone please help me? I'm sorry this is going to be a long post but I'm very desperate.
8 months or so ago I split up with my first boyfriend . He was 3 years older than me and we had been dating for 3 months, which isn't long I know, but it was long enough for me to completely fall for him.
Maybe it was because I was naïve to relationships I don't know... but within 3 months we had exchanged "I love you"s and basically had our whole future planned ou; he said that as soon as I turned 18 he would propose to me and we talked about having children (in the future obvioulsy). We both wanted to have sex - really badly - but we knew we couldn't - we're supposed to be Christians and I am under age whereas he isn't (and neither of us wanted him in trouble).
When I was dating him I was so happy and it seemed like nothing could go wrong with the world.
And then we split up. And my world fell to pieces and still is falling to pieces because I've made so many mistakes!
It didn't really help that we had NO choice but tocontinue to have to see eachother; we're both from the same church and go to the same youth and neither one of us was prepared to - or should ever feel they have to - leave.
But yes, my first mistake was sending him, a couple of weeks after we split, a really long email basically listing all of his faults. It wasn't clever I know, and we argued about it. We actually seemed to argue a hell of a lot to start with.
I spent most of my time at school daydreaming about him... about our first kiss, his hugs, making out, the things he used to say to me that made me feel so good. I would play out my memories of doing such things with him in my head and also times when I had the perfect opportunity to say yes to sex, and then change the images so we did end up doing it. It would make me feel close to him and when I got really lost in my thoughts it would make my heart leap which I liked.
perhaps the most fatal mistake was trying to be his friend straight away.
Once I had gotten through that mindless arguing stage I tried to be nice to him and be his friend because I was still in love with him and I thought being his friend was the next best thing. I still wanted to know what was up with him so I could help him out and try to make him feel better. In fairness we both confided a lot of personal stuff in each other over that period.
But I never seemed to be able to win... it upset me if he wouldn't tell me what was wrong... but it also upset me when he did tell me something personal, usually because it pained me to know he was feeling so bad or that something as bad as that could happen to him, or because I wished I could give him a hug and a kiss and make him forget the pain. This got me into a bigger mental mess as I spent time grieving over his woes.
I went on a bit of a rebound tbh, I fancied LOADS of people but I didn't really want love from any of them because I was just lusting aimlessly... more recently it's been more lust than ever, I've started thinking about getting into a "friends with benefits"style relationship because I'm feeling that down.
I found myself under a lot of stress with my ex at one point because one of my best friends had started talking to him a lot and it concerned me. I didn't want him anywhere near my friends! It worried me that they'd get too close. My worst fears were confirmed a few weeks later when it turned out he fancied her. Fortunatley when my best friend heard this, she freaked out and proceeded to block him from her Facebook, msn and phone, thus ending my stress.
But since that, and I actually think he may have done it once or twice before that as well, he kept yo-yo-ing back to me. Every so often he would say to me over email or live chat that he wasn't over me at all and he wanted to be with me again. Then when I suggested we get back together he would be all like "no no that wouldnt be right it's against God's will and just wouldn't be right!"
So every time he did that it would bring back raw emotion and pain and I would get upset and feel it was unfair. Therefore all the times he did this (it was 3 times I think) I would end up arguing with him and telling him how horrid he was for doing this to me.
Then there was the biggie. At the beginning of August, just over 6 months after we split up we were both going to go on camp with our church for a week. About a week before we went he messaged me again, doing the same thing, saying he wanted to be with me and he wasn't over me. But this time it was different, he said he really wanted to get back together. So we agreed we'd pray about it and then come to a decision towards the end of camp.
I stupidly allowed my old love for him to creep back into my heart, and I went back to that stage of feeling giddy round him, my heart racing when I saw him. Fantasies of kissing him and cuddling up to him and loving him and being loved cae back too. I got really hopeful and happy... Only to be let down. We both felt God telling us it wouldn't be ideal for us to get back together. He said a load of stuff to me about loving the attention and affection and not him as a person. I now know that isn't true because I miss him as a person and talking to him and his humor etc...
But I spent the rest of the camp feeling insanely jealous of and threatened by the other girls he would be talking to, one girl in particular, with whom he would always sit in meetings and meals and always be asking if she was okay.
All my grief came back and it felt as if we'd only just split up.
Two weeks after that I had another stress to deal with. Basically, remember what I said about him always talking to one of my mates? The same thing happened again but with another mate. Except this time there was flirting and lots of it. Even when I asked them to stop they didn't and I got really stressed out. When he started to say things to her like he found her sexier than he'd ever found me and that he thought her was fit I begun to get suicidal thoughts. Not just about killing myself but the how, the where and the when/ Toward the end of the week I lost it totally and ended up self harming on my wrist.
Then I turned into a total monster... I told him I loved him so much I hated him. I threatened to kill myself in front of him and he then blocked my on Facebook and email. So I started using another mates fb account (with her permission) to pretend I was her worrying about me self harming and being depressed, and also to humiliate him by getting personal info out of him. I don't know why I did this but eventually my friend told me I had to stop and changed her pw.
I got so down that my grief started to cause problems between me and my friends who don't understand what this pain is like, and think I should just get over it.
I basically felt like I was standing in my own mess.
Now, as it happened, things sorted out between me and my mates (mostly) and also my ex found out it had been me on my mates account. He has unblocked me and forgiven me but he still isn’t talking to me. I sent my flirting friend a long and heartfelt email about how I’ve been feeling about him and her flirting and now she has stopped. So things should all be okay right?
No… I still feel like I’m standing in my own mess. I haven’t recovered. I feel down about him all the time, sometimes it comes out of nowhere at all! But I get so down I start crying, especially at night and then I’ll cry till I’m exhausted. I’ll start crying at a song, even ones that never used to upset me before. Walking down the road from school I will start crying randomly. I don’t feel happy about anything – even though there are good things going on in my life at the moment I can’t feel happy about them. There still is a bit of tension between friends. I still get suicidal thoughts from time to time as well and now I don’t want to see my young cousins because it reminds me of him and our plans for a family.
I’ve gone back to daydreaming about him and regretting stuff like saying no to sex, so badly that it burns and I wish I could turn back time, getting stressed because I know I can’t.
I basically feel like my life is in tatters around me.
When I see him I get really upset and yet I feel affection for him at the same time.
I’m struggling to come to terms with the fact I will never again hug him or kiss him or be with him in that way.
I know all this has to end… but I’m really struggling and I need help, any advice or help I can get. What’s wrong with me? What’s happened to me? How can I put it right? How can I stop loving him? How can I trust that letting go is the right thing to do, after all the time he yo-yo-ed with me?
I want to be happy again and free.
Please help me; I’m sorry this post was so long!
Thank you in advance xxx
8 months or so ago I split up with my first boyfriend . He was 3 years older than me and we had been dating for 3 months, which isn't long I know, but it was long enough for me to completely fall for him.
Maybe it was because I was naïve to relationships I don't know... but within 3 months we had exchanged "I love you"s and basically had our whole future planned ou; he said that as soon as I turned 18 he would propose to me and we talked about having children (in the future obvioulsy). We both wanted to have sex - really badly - but we knew we couldn't - we're supposed to be Christians and I am under age whereas he isn't (and neither of us wanted him in trouble).
When I was dating him I was so happy and it seemed like nothing could go wrong with the world.
And then we split up. And my world fell to pieces and still is falling to pieces because I've made so many mistakes!
It didn't really help that we had NO choice but tocontinue to have to see eachother; we're both from the same church and go to the same youth and neither one of us was prepared to - or should ever feel they have to - leave.
But yes, my first mistake was sending him, a couple of weeks after we split, a really long email basically listing all of his faults. It wasn't clever I know, and we argued about it. We actually seemed to argue a hell of a lot to start with.
I spent most of my time at school daydreaming about him... about our first kiss, his hugs, making out, the things he used to say to me that made me feel so good. I would play out my memories of doing such things with him in my head and also times when I had the perfect opportunity to say yes to sex, and then change the images so we did end up doing it. It would make me feel close to him and when I got really lost in my thoughts it would make my heart leap which I liked.
perhaps the most fatal mistake was trying to be his friend straight away.
Once I had gotten through that mindless arguing stage I tried to be nice to him and be his friend because I was still in love with him and I thought being his friend was the next best thing. I still wanted to know what was up with him so I could help him out and try to make him feel better. In fairness we both confided a lot of personal stuff in each other over that period.
But I never seemed to be able to win... it upset me if he wouldn't tell me what was wrong... but it also upset me when he did tell me something personal, usually because it pained me to know he was feeling so bad or that something as bad as that could happen to him, or because I wished I could give him a hug and a kiss and make him forget the pain. This got me into a bigger mental mess as I spent time grieving over his woes.
I went on a bit of a rebound tbh, I fancied LOADS of people but I didn't really want love from any of them because I was just lusting aimlessly... more recently it's been more lust than ever, I've started thinking about getting into a "friends with benefits"style relationship because I'm feeling that down.
I found myself under a lot of stress with my ex at one point because one of my best friends had started talking to him a lot and it concerned me. I didn't want him anywhere near my friends! It worried me that they'd get too close. My worst fears were confirmed a few weeks later when it turned out he fancied her. Fortunatley when my best friend heard this, she freaked out and proceeded to block him from her Facebook, msn and phone, thus ending my stress.
But since that, and I actually think he may have done it once or twice before that as well, he kept yo-yo-ing back to me. Every so often he would say to me over email or live chat that he wasn't over me at all and he wanted to be with me again. Then when I suggested we get back together he would be all like "no no that wouldnt be right it's against God's will and just wouldn't be right!"
So every time he did that it would bring back raw emotion and pain and I would get upset and feel it was unfair. Therefore all the times he did this (it was 3 times I think) I would end up arguing with him and telling him how horrid he was for doing this to me.
Then there was the biggie. At the beginning of August, just over 6 months after we split up we were both going to go on camp with our church for a week. About a week before we went he messaged me again, doing the same thing, saying he wanted to be with me and he wasn't over me. But this time it was different, he said he really wanted to get back together. So we agreed we'd pray about it and then come to a decision towards the end of camp.
I stupidly allowed my old love for him to creep back into my heart, and I went back to that stage of feeling giddy round him, my heart racing when I saw him. Fantasies of kissing him and cuddling up to him and loving him and being loved cae back too. I got really hopeful and happy... Only to be let down. We both felt God telling us it wouldn't be ideal for us to get back together. He said a load of stuff to me about loving the attention and affection and not him as a person. I now know that isn't true because I miss him as a person and talking to him and his humor etc...
But I spent the rest of the camp feeling insanely jealous of and threatened by the other girls he would be talking to, one girl in particular, with whom he would always sit in meetings and meals and always be asking if she was okay.
All my grief came back and it felt as if we'd only just split up.
Two weeks after that I had another stress to deal with. Basically, remember what I said about him always talking to one of my mates? The same thing happened again but with another mate. Except this time there was flirting and lots of it. Even when I asked them to stop they didn't and I got really stressed out. When he started to say things to her like he found her sexier than he'd ever found me and that he thought her was fit I begun to get suicidal thoughts. Not just about killing myself but the how, the where and the when/ Toward the end of the week I lost it totally and ended up self harming on my wrist.
Then I turned into a total monster... I told him I loved him so much I hated him. I threatened to kill myself in front of him and he then blocked my on Facebook and email. So I started using another mates fb account (with her permission) to pretend I was her worrying about me self harming and being depressed, and also to humiliate him by getting personal info out of him. I don't know why I did this but eventually my friend told me I had to stop and changed her pw.
I got so down that my grief started to cause problems between me and my friends who don't understand what this pain is like, and think I should just get over it.
I basically felt like I was standing in my own mess.
Now, as it happened, things sorted out between me and my mates (mostly) and also my ex found out it had been me on my mates account. He has unblocked me and forgiven me but he still isn’t talking to me. I sent my flirting friend a long and heartfelt email about how I’ve been feeling about him and her flirting and now she has stopped. So things should all be okay right?
No… I still feel like I’m standing in my own mess. I haven’t recovered. I feel down about him all the time, sometimes it comes out of nowhere at all! But I get so down I start crying, especially at night and then I’ll cry till I’m exhausted. I’ll start crying at a song, even ones that never used to upset me before. Walking down the road from school I will start crying randomly. I don’t feel happy about anything – even though there are good things going on in my life at the moment I can’t feel happy about them. There still is a bit of tension between friends. I still get suicidal thoughts from time to time as well and now I don’t want to see my young cousins because it reminds me of him and our plans for a family.
I’ve gone back to daydreaming about him and regretting stuff like saying no to sex, so badly that it burns and I wish I could turn back time, getting stressed because I know I can’t.
I basically feel like my life is in tatters around me.
When I see him I get really upset and yet I feel affection for him at the same time.
I’m struggling to come to terms with the fact I will never again hug him or kiss him or be with him in that way.
I know all this has to end… but I’m really struggling and I need help, any advice or help I can get. What’s wrong with me? What’s happened to me? How can I put it right? How can I stop loving him? How can I trust that letting go is the right thing to do, after all the time he yo-yo-ed with me?
I want to be happy again and free.
Please help me; I’m sorry this post was so long!
Thank you in advance xxx